I had a really bad dream this morning, so you're forewarned. I stayed up late last night to catch an online stream of the Dateline show about the tapes Rabbi Boteach has. It made me feel quite sad and then I couldn't sleep for a quite a while.
When I woke up this morning I was having such a crappy dream. In it, for some reason I wanted to know what MJ had been wearing when he died. Then I was at a place where rehearsals for TII were taking place in the morning. Lots of folks were there: the band and dancers, Kenny Ortega, etc. Michael came in, wearing a black t-shirt with a design in the middle that may have been the moon and then over it were the big words MOON and WALK (walk was below moon, so like two separate words). I only saw him in the distance. At one point they were all dancing and MJ was singing and then he stopped and seemed very dizzy, like he was going to pass out. People rushed to him. He said he'd be ok, it's just the feeling in his chest that's the problem. I was sooo flooded with emotion, like Oh Michael, no, no, no. It was terrible. I felt so powerless and I wanted to just stop the future, stop the tape, stop time. "What? How long have you been feeling something wrong in your chest?!" exclaimed someone. Mj said, "For about 2 hours. I'm fine, I'll be fine." Everyone looked at each other like ohhhh God. I was about to burst out crying because I knew what was happening. And then... it happened... NOoOOoo.... he collapsed. His heart failed. It was so horrible to go through this again. Then later it was like he was buried someplace sort of under my bed. Weird, I know. Like his casket was sealed up and my bedroom just happened to be one story/floor over this place. I thought there's no way I can ever even go in there again and others thought too that I'd have to move my room, but then I laid down in bed anyway and slept there. I had this horrible sadness as I pictured MJ downstairs lying there lifeless in his moonwalk shirt, once again I was unable to stop fate, unable to save him. My only comfort (not like it was comfort, just some weird feeling of connection) was to sleep there above where he was placed. Ugh. I was so glad my husband woke me up early from this one...