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2 months on...

MichaelYoureAStud said:
Yesterday after confirming it was murder, I did the one thing I thought I would never ever do. I drank. I drank so I wouldn't feel the pain.
Both of my parents are alcoholics. I promised myself that is a road I would never go down.
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Please, be very very careful with it. It's very easy to start... Some people can overcome it later and some not.. *HUG*
 
FUJON said:
Please, be very very careful with it. It's very easy to start... Some people can overcome it later and some not.. *HUG*
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I know l did the same thing l had a break down. My friends feel its time to let go. God am not looking forward to MJs birthday this coming Saturday:(

I have collected all the books that are to be collected haven't come in terms of starting to reading them.
 
of course, Michael's died let more people knew him and the truth also was coming out.
um...first, please forgive me.
now, i'm 14yrs old. Actually, Michael's died let me became his fans.
Before it, i just knew him from the media, and they always said some negative news or rumors about him. um...i haven't believed in it, but i have confused on it. i didn't know the real of him before. but now, everything had changed. All comes different to me. of course, his death let me focus on him again. i started to search all the thing about him, and i found that he was the greatest man in this world, he's so generous to the world and so kind to the children. Why the media haven't reported something like this about him???? Just focus on his life and also made so many rumors about him. It will misleading some people who didn't know the real of Michael.
but now, i'm very very regret that i'm too late to be his fans, why????why i'm be his fans when he was passed out. why i can't be fans early??? Two months...and there have so many things happened on these 2months...It's my biggest regret in my life, and i dunno what should i do now.
And now, i'm truly becoming his fans, and i will not forget him and i love him forever.
i hope Michael can understand me and all of you can forgive me...
That's really so sad to me, and when everytime i thought of his death and my regret on him, i'm so downcase and i shed my tears...
 
I wouldn't say it's any easier because it really hasn't been any different from the day he passed away for me. However, I am slowly learning how to cope with this tragedy. The last two months has been real hard. I lost weight, I didn't eat, went to work but I wasn't really there. My family were very concerned. I kept ordering things that were related to Michael, anything. Every week, packages and packages from Amazon would arrive at my door and I just couldn't wait to open them. I stayed in my room if I didn't have to be someplace else. Then I realized, Michael wouldn't want me to spend my life like this. He would want US to continue with our lives and help him carry his many legacies for eternity. I know it is easier said than done, but really, Michael loved to laugh and his smile was infectious, so then I knew, I can't keep grieving but I have to celebrate. Celebrate the love that Michael had for us, his dream for the world to be a better place, to heal the world and the children of the world. Because if I'm depressed, I know I wouldn't be able to help spread his dream of a better tomorrow.

So even though it still hurts like hell, and "it cuts like a knife," I am slowly regaining my strength. I'm not going to lie though, there are times when I just breakdown and cry, but I tell myself to get up and laugh. Laughter is a great medicine and so is time. Let time do it's job, with time, hopefully the wound in our hearts will heal.
 
Friday I was a horrible wreck. That was my concert night. I know so many of you have already had to go through this particular pain. And to make matters worse, that coroner's report thing came out at like 8:45pm for us, which would be 7:45 at the O2. I realized I'd have been there at that moment, waiting for Michael to appear and now I was sitting here at home watching this effing report about homicide on my TV.

Saturday (Aug 29) it really helped, though, to be with other fans. We went to some flash mobs and stuff and I only almost-cried once. It was a nice distraction. Sunday, today... would have been the best day of my life ... 7th row at an MJ concert... but I guess I got most of the searing disappointment out on Friday. Today it's only mild sadness. Or exhaustion. Not sure which.

But I still cry. I never know what will set it off. I'm actually getting sick of it. Part of me just wants to pack all my MJ stuff away somewhere and try to pretend none of this emotion exists. But I know I can't do that. I know what you're saying about trying to celebrate instead of being sad, HumanNatur3. It's sure not easy, though. Like most of us, I'm still grappling with how the hell I'm going to do that. How do I get from today to tomorrow without losing my sanity, without dropping into a deep depression, but without losing my intense love for Michael and all the inspiration that he has given me in my life? I mean, I'm not filled with sadness all day long every day. I laugh, I live, I go about my day, but sometimes, somedays it still really, really hurts. Maybe someday it will all come together and make some sense in my heart...?

One thing I can be certain of, though, is that I still feel the JOY when listening to him or watching him. I really do. I feel elated, in love and excited just like always. Just now there's usually some point where the "he's really gone" thought hits me :cry:
 
I had a really hard day today.

This morning wasn't so bad, I felt a little sad as I got my breakfast together and such, but was o.k. when I left the house.

Then, after I started the damn car, I burst into tears. I backed-out of the driveway, and just could not stop crying. The only time I've cried this hard is after my mother's passing and when I thought that my father was dying of liver desease. God, it was so hard to stop.

I gained my composure as I entered my work, and the day began. I was doing fine again, until of course my old boss peaked over at me from behind the counter. She made a funny face and said 'hi,' and I guess I didn't seem myself. She asked me," Mary-Jo, what's wrong, you haven't been yourself for some time now. Come here, let's talk."

We then went for a walk and sat down. I told her, " It's Michael...I know it sounds silly to some, but the man was such a huge part of my past...my youth....my life....I mean, I never knew the man let alone meet him but it just hurts so much...I just can't cope with this.."

She told me that it wasn't silly. She then gave me a card of a councellor that I could contact in case I needed to talk. The reasurring thing is, she looked at me and with a serious tone said, "You need help dear. You have to get someone to talk to."

I will call the woman and see if I can somehow get these feelings out. I don't know if I'll ever rid myself of the regret of never meeting him, but at least talking to someone who may understand will help me heal. I don't want to go on medication or anything, just try to heal on my own.

I wanna thank all of you here for your support. It means sooo much to reach out. I know we all feel the same way.

My dreams are indeed my own, yet they also involved Michael. I guess the lesson I've learned is to not get to wrapped-up in your dreams. Wish I hadn't. They don't always come true.
 
Yes it was. I think she's afraid that this will affect my job. I'm starting to get worried too.

I don't want to keep off this forum, but hell, it's not getting any better. I wake-up in the night usually from a dream I had of Michael. I start to cry. I came home from work this evening, was o.k. for a few minutes getting things organized, then boom, I start crying...I tried to hold it in but it just squeezes at my heart. I don't feel a tightness in my chest or anything, it's mainly the feeling of regret; that I never got the chance to meet him.

I have a lot of regrets in my life, yet this takes the forefront of them all. I know that I'm sounding selfish by saying it but...

Thanks for commenting. I need the comfort in a big way.
 
Please guys don't stop spreading Michael's message, take time to recover, but always come back. We need to stay strong together.
 
I never imagined that it would be possible to feel so bereft by the loss of someone never met. 25/6 was truly a 'stop all the clocks' moment. As the weeks go by, I have been trying to understand why this should be so. For me, I think it is because his message was always such an uplifting one. He aspired to inspire, to entertain and then to make you think. He was passionate about his art, but also about the world and its predicaments.
In performance, when he opened his arms wide, tipped back his head and closed his eyes, you could really feel his global embrace. When he gave his electrifying shout 'Ho!' you could believe that the universe stood still, held its breath and asked who is this mortal who commanded it.
I have been wondering: in the years to come, when the pain and sorrow and 'if only's' of his passing may fade to a background beat in our lives, what will remain of this remarkable man. Among his many legacies to us all (not least his music, dance, video arts and concert performances) he left his hopes and dreams for the welfare of humanity. I hope that there may be a global 'Heal the world ' day (29/8?) in support of charitable concerns to honour Michael in remembrance. I think all we can do to try to ameliorate the pain and loss is to try to carry on some of his dreams, and support each other in so doing.

As the poet said : What will survive of us is love.
 
I still can't say the word "death" and his name in the same sentence. I still can't talk about him in the past tense. I listen to his music constantly and he is still alive to me. I just can't comprehend the idea of him not being here any longer.

I've loved him half of my life. And it's very painful. Especially knowing it was not his time to go.
 
kathiejmie said:
I still can't say the word "death" and his name in the same sentence. I still can't talk about him in the past tense. I listen to his music constantly and he is still alive to me. I just can't comprehend the idea of him not being here any longer.

I've loved him half of my life. And it's very painful. Especially knowing it was not his time to go.
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I totally understand how you feel. I refuse to talk in the past tense about Michael, I will not say that word either.
Big hugs for everyone :hug:
 
For me nothing has changed except sadness. Depression increases with every single day. My life was shaken never to return to its previous state. I cannot explain it but this is the way i feel. I have never felt like this before. Most of the time i feel desperate, like something great is gone. Which is true. Actually one more thing changed - my faith in God. In last years i was angry at God and truly doubted his "existence" and "methods". Michael`s passing and the signs he sent me from above later returned my faith in God. I long for the day when i will face Him and ask Why did you do that and why in that way.

Now my days and night are all for Michael. I started doing things in his memory. These things only give me comfort even a temporary one. I cry every night. I was not a member of this forum but for the last months i read everything from it.

I do not know whether this will ever end. Sometimes i feel like i am a robot - working, walking but dead inside. I do not like it but i can`t help it. The only thing that gives me hope is that i know i am not alone in my sorrow and i can always come here knowing i will be understood instead of mocked.
 
Now Michael's immortal soul is in heaven and I'm sure he's ok I know some day we will meet him there and maybe it's stupid but I can't wait...

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Sometimes I still can't believe he is gone, I had such a cruel dream last week, that he was on a witness protection programme because people had been planning to kill him, and they arrested the people and he was able to return, it was one of those dreams you remember so vividly all day.

I alternate betwee tears when I hear his music, and anger if I see a picture of Murrey, I am not violent but I could tear him apart with my bare hands for killing Michael.

Then I almost feel anger with Michael, saying to myself why did you do it, how could you let Murrey give you all those drugs. I don't blame Michael really but it is just all these emotions.

I long for the day when all the legal stuff is over and the news stops. His music lives on but I can't bear listening to it at the moment. I just feel the sadness, he should be here, this should not have happened, all because he wanted a good night's sleep and Murrey wanted the money and would do anything for it.
 
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