I'm seriously no better than I was on June 25th. On a bizzare note, I was writing dates on labels to put on food packs at work, and without even realizing it, I wrote June 25th on one. I got a sinking feeling when I saw it and realized the significance of the date. God....it just happened, almost as if I wasn't the one writing it.
As far as how I feel, I still lay in bed trying to dose off, and then suddenly Michael pops in my head. I feel the pain, the feeling of loss coming into my heart....and then the tears automatically form. I try to think of other things to sway my mind, yet he is always...always there.
I wake-up in the morning, and the empty feeling, that feeling of loss comes back to me...the realization that he's no longer with us. yet I'm literally haunted by his death; I think of him all day, I can't seem to get the pictures and puzzles out of my mind, I don't listen to his music...it hurts too much...I find my self telling co-workers and friends about his talents and ordinary things he enjoyed etc...but when I speak of this investigation etc, it's hard for others to relate and understand. In turn, I feel so alone. I then can't wait to come here to get some solace, comfort and answers.
It's never ending. I know time heals all wounds, but this is just sooo deep. I can't imagine what he childern and family are going through. My God, the man felt so alone...he WAS alone. It just breaks my heart. And the one thing that hurts the most, is that it all could have been prevented, if only those who were around him could have been blocked. Mike was starting to get rid of them, yet he was far to naive in believing in people like Dr. Murray.
*sighs* I can only hope to cling to the memories, but as I've said to today, my biggest regret will be that I did not meet the man. Yet that in itself also seems selfish of me. It's sad when you've held a dream for years, and suddenly all hope of it coming to fruition is lost.
And it does sound bizzare, but there are times when I want to just think and make-believe that he's still with us. I guess he understood the sense of wanting to be in one's own world, even if it isn't true, anything to help you get through the pain.
I had a dream the other night; I walked into a hospital room, with cops standing guard outside the door. They opened the door and as I waklked in, there say Michael upright in the bed, and he gave me a hopeful smile, as tears filled his eyes. I put my purse down and walked over to him. We exchanged a huge hug, his body was so warm and his arms were so strong...his hair soft.... He then looked at me as I started to cry and said, "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I'm o.k." I'd like to think that that was him visiting me, and telling me not to cry or worry about his soul. This little dream is often what gets me through the day.
:angel:
