Hey my fellow mjj friends and comrads. I know its been a while. I'm famous for having the tupac avatar. I'm having a little crisis and only you guys at mjj board can really help me.i'm really stuck i know i have my son to live for but on the inside i just dont feel to happy with myself. Idk why but i just am. I'm not suciadal or anything i was when i was younger but in this point in my life. I feel like i'm only living for him. And what makes matters worse i feel so alone when i'm at home. I barley talk to anyone. I mean my lil sister and i uses to be really tight but she never comes to me any more to talk that really hurts cuz i bend back and fourth to be there for her. I even come between my parents when they discipline her just to defend her and i would end up getting punished because of it. She's only one year younger then me . Shes a senior in high school and i'm a freshman in college. Ever since i went to college she never holla at me like that. That really hurts. I mean i give her gifts all the time and i get nothing nor do i ask but damm could get something i mean at least once but hey i'm not complaining
. My lil bro he looks up to me alot but we cant really communicate like that yet. He's only twelve he wont beable to understand what go through yet. Then last but not least is my older sister ardine she is 21. But shes only older in age. In mind set and maturity along with street and books smarts i'm older then her. Not being crude just being real. So in that sense i'm the oldest child. I have more responsibility plus i'm a dad and i have a kid of my own. I am a father,son, and big brother to my family. With al that being said i have more stress my father has a doctorate in education and my mother has a masters degree in social working its hard to live up like that. I'm named after my father ardain. Thats my real name ardain. And my whole school career up until college i always have to look up to his standards. My father reputation was big with my teachers and it always put ia hold on me. My mother is my only true friend we have our ups and downs but for the most part we love each other dearly. Dam i love that women. But lately shes been sick and its hard on me. But since i'm the "oldest" i have to be strong. Damn i just want this pain to go away for me. All theses problem i have but the biggest one for me is i think i'm so ugly. I have low real low self -esteem. No matter what folks say i think i'm ugly. When i was younger i was real fat and chubby and the kids would crucify me severely. I hated myself so bad. But as i got older i got into sports and played football,soccer, and basketball.as a result i lost all my weight and stayed up. The women took note of that. But i never felt it. I still viewed myself as ugly and i still do to this day. My son is so cute but sometimes i wonder how a man so ugly can create such beauty. To sum its all up my problems are poor self-image, lack of appreciation cause feel with every thing i do at home no one appreciates me especially my lil sis for all the good i've done 4 her, not meeting up to my parents standards of excellence, and not being able to look in the mirror.i'm done for now give me some advice i really need it muah hugs and kisses
love,
ardain