Feeling worse every day

[MichaelMySoul]

Omg.. I made the mistake of listening to Gone Too Soon, the original video with Ryan White too, Keep the Faith and Man In The Mirror - Moonwalker version yesterday.. I had no idea what I was thinking, I just wanted to listen to them because the songs are good and sensitive.. I broke down crying, massive panic attack.. What was I thinking.. When I hear these songs all I think about is Michael+Dead..

Michaels death strikes me extra hand when I think about his life journey and everthing he has gone through, its not actually the beautiful music Im crying over.. Its his personality.. I can never get over who he was.. The world is crying because we know what a good person he was.. Why else would millions of people who have never met him cry over him? We arent crying over nothing. We are crying because we truly feel a family member has died. Michael was a member of the whole world community. We felt his pain when he was alive, we feel the pain now that he is gone.

I can imagine how many people on this board cry themselves to sleep somedays.. I can cry by just looking at a photograph of him smiling..

 

[ameliajayne]

I feel worse now than I did the day he died. The day Michael died I was in shock, I did not cry.. I did not listen to his music.. I felt nothing. Now two months on, Im a wreck.. I cant stop obsessing/thinking/dwelling over what happened through out Michaels life, all the injustice and hardships he had to deal with and how tragic his life ended.. I cant stop listening to his music.. I feel sadder now than I did on the day of the memorial.. I just cant see how Im going to move forward with myself. I never met Michael, I never came close to him, Ive never been to a concert of his events.. Yet, I feel as though he was a part of me... Like I was his best friend. He made us all feel like he was our best friend, he really cared for us. I really and only believe it when Michaels family members say his fans meant everything to him because he really showed us how much he cared, he reached out, we reached out and even though we were across the other side of the world, Michael could hear our cries.

My pain gets worse for everyday that goes.. I honestly thought the day he died that I would be able to handle it and move on with my life, as I am an adult and have my own life to take care of.. Ive hid my sadness to my friends and family, they dont know how hard Ive taken this. I shrug my shoulders and say ''how sad that MJ died..'' when people ask me how Im coping with it, but the truth is I die a little inside everytime I think about Michael. I cry myself to sleep ever so often.. I dwell over all the horrible things Michael had to go through when he was alive and wondered if he died a happy man and if he was content with his life before he passed on.. I dwell that Michael deserved so much more and that there was not a single thing I could do about the situation he has been in. I feel completely and utterly helpless.

I hide my pain very well.. People know Im a fan, but they dont think Im that affected. I just shrug my shoulders and say ''yeah.. tragic eh.. its sad.. michael was a great entertainer''... But the truth is Im crying on the inside and on the outside and my heart is aching so bad.

I must not be a sane person for loving, caring, wanting to know, and mourning the loss of a person I never met. But I know Im not the only one so I cant be that insane.. Michael never met many of his fans and he still loved them too, not because they bought his records, but because MJ fans genuenly cared for Michaels wellbeing. And as did he with us.

i feel exactly like that my friend, you are NOT alone:better:

 

[indranee]

we're not alone. and Asedora, you're having the delayed reaction that I'm having as well. hang tight girl...

PS. how do you do smilies on this board other than the basic ones?

 

[meena76]

It's not getting easier; it just gets harder and harder everyday. I thought it’s supposed to get better, but it's not, it's not at all.

I'm setting her at my desk, praying to God for composer and strength. Cause I am about to crack.

I'm trying so hard to fight the tears, but I can't hold them off. This is so hard; I don't know what to do anymore.

I need strength.

 

[pauline]

um...i feel the same way...when i talked to my friends, they didn't understand me, they just thought i am very crazy and silly~~and said, the time will heal=]
but can i believe it???the time will heal...i don't think so. since i'm feeling worse everyday and actually very down><
so i will pray to Michael and talk to him everynight before i go to sleep...i thought it can makes me feel more better, since i can feel that Michael was listening in me and keep with me, i truly believe that, am i silly???

 

[witchanna]

let me think to jesus's time the day
michael accidently got buried alive?
i need stop daydreaming about michael been buried alive
again im not geting any sleep i get nightmares of michael been buried alive
that makes wonder if jesus is not telling me something
i cry for unknown reason and lie to my mum to im washing my eyes
i feel down on my self i start drinking to many coffess
my body feels like its on fire hafe of my body is hot the other side is cold
i feeling someone eles pain for no reason

 

[Julia]

I just wondered if anyone else was feeling worse every day?? I am a 34yr old married woman with a 7 yr old, but i just cant stop thinking about Michael all the time. I can not concentrate in my work and really feel pretty low. My husband keeps asking me what is wrong but i am just saying i am dont know. I really feel llike i have lost a close relative. I cant tell anyone as they will just laugh at me and say -oh you didn't even know him - whats wrong with you?! I am unable to listen to any of his more sentimental songs, and speechless came on yesterday and i dissolved in a fit of tears and had to pull the car over! I am also unable to sleep. I was supposed to be seeing him at the O2 next month, and am absolutely dreading that day as i am going to feel so very sad. I really feel that he had such a rough time and did not deserve what happened to him. I have always been a big fan for as long as i remember and feel completely empty. It just seems completely irrational to me but i cant help it. Is anyone else feeling this bad?? Thanks.

Loopy I know how you feel I actually feel worse now than I did when Michael died. I have spent the last two months in a daze bursting into tears at random times of the day. My friends don't understand they say 'Isn't she over that yet' sometimes I just feel like running away. I listen to Michaels' music because I love to hear him. I do avoid two songs Smile and Childhood I have a lttle trouble getting through those but I know in time I will be able to listen to them without tears.

When I feel sad and alone like this I come here where I can be around Michael and be with people who love him as much as I do. This helps me so much.

Julia

 

[Melania]

I like your attitude Sunnyday.. Perhaps I should try that because Im having a cry-marathon everytime I go through sad videos, memorial, songs and pictures.. I dont know why I do that to myself... Im torturing myself...

I've been doing the same thing--it's so depressing and I really shouldn't do it anymore.


Loopy, you expressed my feelings exactly. I, too, am having an incredibly rough time. I just joined this board last night because I feel like things have not gotten better...worse actually. I'm a mom too, and busy with work and grad school, and yet I have trouble concentrating on stuff and cry daily. Just know that you are not alone(!)...hopefully it will get better for all of us.

 

[MJsBollywoodGirl7]

I also feel just as worse as I did when I first heard. I am crying now just thinking about how much I still miss him. It will never get any better for me. How can it when I am just so heartbroken by what happen to Michael. But then when I think about how Michael's death could have been prevented my sadness turns to complete anger. Right from the begining I knew Michael was murdered. I had this horrible vivid MJ dream a little more than a week after Michael's death. In this dream it told me in great vivid detail of Michael's last few minutes were like for him. I woke up horribly shaken and upset by that dream. Because I had never had a dream that was that clear and vivid before. I have this way of predicting things through dreams. And this was the 3rd dream that I had that I was so right about.