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Feeling worse every day

Loopy

Loopy

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I just wondered if anyone else was feeling worse every day?? I am a 34yr old married woman with a 7 yr old, but i just cant stop thinking about Michael all the time. I can not concentrate in my work and really feel pretty low. My husband keeps asking me what is wrong but i am just saying i am dont know. I really feel llike i have lost a close relative. I cant tell anyone as they will just laugh at me and say -oh you didn't even know him - whats wrong with you?! I am unable to listen to any of his more sentimental songs, and speechless came on yesterday and i dissolved in a fit of tears and had to pull the car over! I am also unable to sleep. I was supposed to be seeing him at the O2 next month, and am absolutely dreading that day as i am going to feel so very sad. I really feel that he had such a rough time and did not deserve what happened to him. I have always been a big fan for as long as i remember and feel completely empty. It just seems completely irrational to me but i cant help it. Is anyone else feeling this bad?? Thanks.
 
Yes dear, I really understand you because I feel the same! Some of my friends said to me that time will heal, but with every day I feel worse! I miss him more and more each day!
 
I understand how you feel.

I am a 33 yr old mum with 3 kids in the age of 6, 3 and 1.

The thing that keeps me going is the thought that Michael is still with us in a way and that we have to go on for our kids and to finnish Michaels work here on earth.

Feel free to talk to me or anyone else, i think talking (lots of it) does help for me.
 
Loopy said:
I really feel llike i have lost a close relative. I cant tell anyone as they will just laugh at me and say -oh you didn't even know him - whats wrong with you?! .
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i feel the same . YA,i told my friends and they were juz like :are you crazy ?why are you crying for a person you don't even know?
coming here gives me great comfort, at least ppl here share the same feeling:)
you are not alone in this! *big big hugs*
 
I too am having a hard time focusing on other things. Since that horrible day, Michael is the first thing on my mind every morning when I wake up, and each day I feel like I have to come to terms with it again. Some days are so hard. :(
 
Loopy said:
I just wondered if anyone else was feeling worse every day?? I am a 34yr old married woman with a 7 yr old, but i just cant stop thinking about Michael all the time. I can not concentrate in my work and really feel pretty low. My husband keeps asking me what is wrong but i am just saying i am dont know. I really feel llike i have lost a close relative. I cant tell anyone as they will just laugh at me and say -oh you didn't even know him - whats wrong with you?! I am unable to listen to any of his more sentimental songs, and speechless came on yesterday and i dissolved in a fit of tears and had to pull the car over! I am also unable to sleep. I was supposed to be seeing him at the O2 next month, and am absolutely dreading that day as i am going to feel so very sad. I really feel that he had such a rough time and did not deserve what happened to him. I have always been a big fan for as long as i remember and feel completely empty. It just seems completely irrational to me but i cant help it. Is anyone else feeling this bad?? Thanks.
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I don´t know if this makes you feel any better but I feel exactly the same. I am 35 years old and I don´t have any children but I am having a really hard time concentrating at work. I guess it is partly because of everything he has been going through that I feel like this becuase I really wanted him to be publicly exonerated and the he would live to see it. I also find it really annoying when people say "will he be remembered for his music or for his weird behavior". He was falsely accused and what about everything he did for charity. Is there anyone who has done more? Maybe somebody but MJ sure did a lot and he should be remembered for that as well. I will never give up though and I think that (or hope) that when some time has passed people will be more fair to him.
 
I feel worse now than I did the day he died. The day Michael died I was in shock, I did not cry.. I did not listen to his music.. I felt nothing. Now two months on, Im a wreck.. I cant stop obsessing/thinking/dwelling over what happened through out Michaels life, all the injustice and hardships he had to deal with and how tragic his life ended.. I cant stop listening to his music.. I feel sadder now than I did on the day of the memorial.. I just cant see how Im going to move forward with myself. I never met Michael, I never came close to him, Ive never been to a concert of his events.. Yet, I feel as though he was a part of me... Like I was his best friend. He made us all feel like he was our best friend, he really cared for us. I really and only believe it when Michaels family members say his fans meant everything to him because he really showed us how much he cared, he reached out, we reached out and even though we were across the other side of the world, Michael could hear our cries.

My pain gets worse for everyday that goes.. I honestly thought the day he died that I would be able to handle it and move on with my life, as I am an adult and have my own life to take care of.. Ive hid my sadness to my friends and family, they dont know how hard Ive taken this. I shrug my shoulders and say ''how sad that MJ died..'' when people ask me how Im coping with it, but the truth is I die a little inside everytime I think about Michael. I cry myself to sleep ever so often.. I dwell over all the horrible things Michael had to go through when he was alive and wondered if he died a happy man and if he was content with his life before he passed on.. I dwell that Michael deserved so much more and that there was not a single thing I could do about the situation he has been in. I feel completely and utterly helpless.

I hide my pain very well.. People know Im a fan, but they dont think Im that affected. I just shrug my shoulders and say ''yeah.. tragic eh.. its sad.. michael was a great entertainer''... But the truth is Im crying on the inside and on the outside and my heart is aching so bad.

I must not be a sane person for loving, caring, wanting to know, and mourning the loss of a person I never met. But I know Im not the only one so I cant be that insane.. Michael never met many of his fans and he still loved them too, not because they bought his records, but because MJ fans genuenly cared for Michaels wellbeing. And as did he with us.
 
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I think I feel better. Maybe because I'm not listening to any of his music/videos etc. I'm doing much much better this way. And I'm forcing myself to listen to anything that is funny and light-hearted on the news, mags etc.
 
I like your attitude Sunnyday.. Perhaps I should try that because Im having a cry-marathon everytime I go through sad videos, memorial, songs and pictures.. I dont know why I do that to myself... Im torturing myself...
 
MichaelMySoul said:
I like your attitude Sunnyday.. Perhaps I should try that because Im having a cry-marathon everytime I go through sad videos, memorial, songs and pictures.. I dont know why I do that to myself... Im torturing myself...
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Of course you should try that!!! :) I know I did the same when my father died. I avoided anything that had to do with him, not because I didn't love him but because it helped! 4 years later I'm fine, I just wait to meet him again when my time comes, that's all. Also, it's important to avoid any films like dramas, sad songs etc. Everything has to be uplifting even if you don't feel like it. Don't torture yourself by watching the memorial, coffins etc. It's not good for your recovery. Take a break! Hope that helps. :)
 
Helps alot, thank you. Im so glad I have fans to talk you... It makes things so much easier. I dont know why Ive been dwelling with the memorial service, and the coffin and the sad songs.. I guess Ive just convinced myself that I need to be depressed over his death. No body needs to be depressed over his death... Instead celebrate the good life he lived. Its hard.. But I'll give that a try because how it is now is not fun at all..
 
Thanks everyone - i am really glad that i found this forum so that i can talk to other people that feel the same as me. I just feel really stupid but really cant help it. I have decided that i am going to go to the O2 and put some flowers at his memorial on the day that i was supposed to be seeing him in concert. I have kept the day off work that i originally booked, so will go up there then. At least i will feel like i have done a very small something. I think i will not listen to him for while, or watch anything and see if that helps a bit. Does anybody know what his favourite flowers were??
 
I would have to say red and yellow roses.. his favorite colors :)
 
with me nothing helps...I feel lost and confused
there are days when I wake up and feel so confused...like I don't know where I am or what day is. I mean I know where I am(at home) but I feel...lost in time?I don't know how to explain. sometimes I'm thinking Michael's death was a dream and now I'm finally waking up back to reality. but it's not a dream....uuugh I feel really lost, it's been like this ever since Michael died
 
I know what you mean snowwhite. I feel like im stuck in an alternate universe/ bad nightmare sometimes I can dream of Michael and I dont want to wake up because when I wake up hes not here and that hurts.. so I would rather be in the dreaming state (sleeping) then the nightmare state (awake) so its a form of consciousness. But Ive also been lightheaded and everything is spinning and so surreal. Im really struggling with this every single day.
 
to be honest I don't think I'll ever come out of this state...as scary as it sounds...to me everything is a dream
I knew that if god forbid something would ever happen to him then I'm lost
I can look ok on the outside but on the inside I'm not the same person anymore
 
Big hugs,i know to how u feel,i feel that way to and since wat happen the pain has got stronger and the emptyness is getting bigger everyday,its a very werid feeling i have never felt this way in my life and i have lost alot of things in my life that mean the world to me,but this is like a whole other different kind of pain and ppl say time will heal but maybe for some ppl thats true but for other it isnt,for me still now to this day nothing seems real and im so confussed about everything,29 years in my life and now nothing :cry: everytime i see something on the tv like about the memorial it hits me like fresh pain,feels like i am trap and i cant get to the other end,all of this has made me very very ill,its horrffic the pain,i wld love to be able to play his music and sing and be happy but i cant i just breakdown crying just cant handle it and i know that will never change ever,i just want to fall asleep and never wake up for me that would be the best ever,even before this i felt this way and now this has happen the pain has double by a million its horrible,i dont sleep anymore well i never really did,, before this i only sleep 4 hrs but now i am luckly if i sleep 2hrs its just all to much also as a fan i feel i am to blame as if it wasnt for these concert and him trying to be the best for his fan then i believe this wldnt of happen at all, i would of loved michael even if he didnt perform again or if he never done anything again,i just truely believe if there had been no concerts then things would be so different i believe, i wish i didnt feel this way but as i fan i feel to blame not saying any other fans r to blame this is how i feel in me personaly :cry:,so big huggles to the guys that are feeling this like this,hope this all makes sense as im crying just typing this xxx
 
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I feel worse everyday to. I have been good so far these last few days but i still feel all the pain inside and Michael is never far from my thoughts. I havent been able to listen to any his music at all since he died and which is hard bc i miss his voice so much!! Each day is a challenge for us all and everyday something new comes up in the news about Michael and what really happened and its so hard to not watch and see whats being said because i really want to know and we all need some kind of closure with this tragety. I try to avoid it all and just come here instead where i can at least feel better and know that Iam not alone in this.

I know everyone saids he will never be forgotten and that his music and legacy will live on forever but that just doesnt seem like enough. Michael is supposed to be here and he should be with his family right now with his kids and with his fans doing his 50 shows in london. instead of celebrating his comeback we are mourning his death and thats the one thing that i think is even worse then him being in jail for crimes he NEVER comminted. Michael cant even defend himself anymore and thats so sad.

I dont know how if i will ever recover from this ever. I will always have tears to shed for Michael and my heart will always be broken for him bc he was just so speacial and one of a kind and no one will ever be like him.

I think the best thing for all of us fans to do is to just remmeber all the wonderful memrories Michael gave us. How he had us happy, how he made us laugh so hard we cried, how he changed us for the better with his music, how he was such a insperation that he is incouraging us to keep doing his work in healing the world, how he taught us to dance, sing, and express ourselves through music and how he just made such a huge impact on everyone who knew him, loved him, or met him just by saying hi or smiling. Michael was a angel and he continues to be one.
 
sunnyday81 said:
Of course you should try that!!! :) I know I did the same when my father died. I avoided anything that had to do with him, not because I didn't love him but because it helped! 4 years later I'm fine, I just wait to meet him again when my time comes, that's all. Also, it's important to avoid any films like dramas, sad songs etc. Everything has to be uplifting even if you don't feel like it. Don't torture yourself by watching the memorial, coffins etc. It's not good for your recovery. Take a break! Hope that helps. :)
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Very good advice :)
 
I feel the same :( The day Michael died I heard it on the news at around midnight here in the UK and was stunned but didn't cry. I didn't believe it. I phoned my Mum and she cried. I think it was the memorial or maybe before that when things started getting worse and worse for me. If I'm in the car I have to listen to his CD's, if I'm at home I have to watch his DVD's, if I don't I feel like I'm being unfaithful. My favourite DVD at the moment is the Dangerous tour 'Live in Bucharest', I saw Michael here in the UK at Wembley on the Dangerous tour but there isn't a 'Live in London' so that is the closest I'll get to re-living the best night of my life.

I feel so badly for Michael, we can only imagine the humiliation he had to face when those vultures accused him of the horrendous things they did. What I keep dwelling on constantly is that he should still be here. If that Conrad Murray had not fallen asleep and given him the correct ammoint of Propofol (if that is what killed him) he would still be here.

As someone who has 18 years experience dealing with drug dependency I so wish I had known what Michael was going through and could have spoken to him about what he was dealing with.

Michael I want to back here with us so badly it hurts so much. I will love you always, until we meet XXXXX
 
Sadly, i feel the same way. Have in mind that i was not a fan that stalked him or even went to any of his concerts. I even found this forum only after he died. I guess i never completely realised what impact this man and his music had on me over the years. I am 27 years old and yet every night until 2-3 am i keep reading here, then in the morning i go to work just to do the same, in some moments i cannot stop watching MJ stuff, listening to his songs, in other moments i do not want to read/listen watch any of that. Sometimes at work the pain is so overwhelming that i rush to the restroom trying to gain control over myself. Reality as it was before june 25 is something very far away from me now. As i said in my thread this is something i have never experienced before, i cannot explain it to myself, it is like something surrealistic.

God bless you all for being here for one another.
 
I am still in pain myself. I couldn’t imagine before that his death will be such a huge disaster for me. I always loved his music but I never was a person who would follow each his step. I always had my own life to live and some other interests besides. Since MJ passed away he became my first interest.. I cannot stop thinking about him. I feel his energy more and more every day and it works like a magnate to me. I try to avoid listening to his music and it helps for a short period of time only. So, today I was listening to his songs again driving my car and I was crying again. I planned my trip to Las Vegas to see the place Michael loved to visit. Maybe this will help me to go through it? Just to have a bit of fun? Also I wanted to go to the church and order a special prayer for him. I am a Christian orthodox and our church usually doesn’t do any service for people who used to belong to another religion. At this point I do not really care what the church says.. I just will give a note to the priest with Michael name on it to make them pray. I just will spell it like "Michaeel" so it well be correct spelling for orthodox praying. Maybe I will feel better after all that? Who knows… .
 
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Asedora said:
I am still in pain myself. I couldn’t imagine before that his death will be such a huge disaster for me. I always loved his music but I never was a person who would follow each his step. I always had my own life to live and some other interests besides. Since MJ passed away he became my first interest.. I cannot stop thinking about him. I feel his energy more and more every day and it works like a magnate to me. I try to avoid listening to his music and it helps for a short period of time only. So, today I was listening to his songs again driving my car and I was crying again. I planned my trip to Las Vegas to see the place Michael loved to visit. Maybe this will help me to go through it? Just to have a bit of fun? Also I wanted to go to the church and order a special prayer for him. I am a Christian orthodox and our church usually doesn’t do any service for people who used to belong to another religion. At this point I do not really care what the church says.. I just will give a note to the priest with Michael name on it to make them pray. I just will spell it like "Michaeel" so it well be correct spelling for orthodox praying. Maybe I will feel better after all that? Who knows… .
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Asedora, don't worry about what a dogma says, do what feels right for you. :) I'm also a Christian Greek Orthodox but I do not follow my dogma letter by letter. Dogmas remind me of political parties. lol Otherwise I would miss all the other good things spirituality has to offer!
Michaeel (Mi-ha-eel) is the original Greek pronunciation for Michael indeed! lol But in modern Greek we say Michalis! LOL
 
sunnyday81 said:
Asedora, don't worry about what a dogma says, do what feels right for you. :) I'm also a Christian Greek Orthodox but I do not follow my dogma letter by letter. Dogmas remind me of political parties. lol Otherwise I would miss all the other good things spirituality has to offer!
Michaeel (Mi-ha-eel) is the original Greek pronunciation for Michael indeed! lol But in modern Greek we say Michalis! LOL
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Oh, thank you sunnyday81:) I am Russian Orthodox.I still recpect some rules, because it keeps tradition free from changes.I still believe that not all chenges are good.
But, at this point I feel like I do not care about dogma at all. I feel like I have to order a special pray for him for 40 days. "Mi-ha-eel" is a saint name and it is how MJ name sounds according to our Julian calendar.
 
Maybe I am an oddball, but his music and his videos make me happy.
Even though we don't have him now, it reminds me that we had him once, and we are so blessed to have received such wonderful enterainment from him. Whenever I am sad and miss him, I listen to his music and it makes me happy again, because music can never 'go'.
...but that's just me...
 
I think I have been going through different stages of grief, i was very sad, shocked at first, then angry for a while, especially about that stupid doctor not watching Micheal, now I feel very depressed and I too feel ashamed to tell people, because they would think it strange, I didnt know him after all.

I am afraid I am going to miss him more and more as time goes on, and the feelings of anger that I wont ever see anymore of what his amazing mind was capable of creating. I am anxious about all these products, movies and unrealeased songs coming out...I have a feeling they are going to be very dissappointing..I mean not Michaels work, but all the horrible greed and tasteless marketing that is going to surround it. Without Michael at the helm of his art, it wont really be his. It will be part of a very ugly and clunky moving machine. It wont be what Michael wanted at all, how could it. Nobody has his genius.

I am thinking of just avoiding it all and waiting for his art to come to me...a beautiful melody that finds its way to my ear, maybe on the radio, or a glimpse of a new dance move Ill catch on a tv monitor somewhere. His art will find its way through all the ugly marketing and money mongering that will commence.

I think I will just wait to see it shine through like a beacon of hope...a message from Michael.
 
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