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my outlet and it hurts...

Soso Deaf

Soso Deaf

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je suis de maroc
im not good at being myself so here goes. many of u know me as kinkykate or soso def. when i was the former, i was 110% bitch with out a cause.

or then im soso deaf, 55% meanie and 45% goofy ass. again, that's a cover. i act one way so i don't have to be myself cuz honestly...im so so DEAF and that was a problem for a long time. it took me so long to finally accept what i was and during those years the ONLY friends i had were the jacksons. the only ones who didn't laugh at me or judge me. i realize now i've lost something that i can never replace.

they gave me self confidence. a sense of self and a feeling of self worth but now i feel empty.

i haven't really slept since wednesday. haven't eaten since 10 am on thursday. i spontaneously break out into tears. honestly if i didn't have my son, i don't know what i would do and it scares me to think like that.

so i took a shower and realized what i needed...i looked down at my ankles while shaving and realized i had a perfect spot to harness my pain.

it was mymost painful tattoo(number 13)...right near my shin n u know how small my chicken legs are.

i haven't cried since. my eyes are slowly de-puffing. my headache is going away and i've managed to have a bite of a bagel w/o throwing it up. i truly feel like the worst is over, for at least now. im starting to accept this and i realize what our job is now.


we were the soldiers of truth in the army of love and we supported him when he needed it and now it's our job to honour him in death. im proud to have been a michael fan and i know some of us here have had our differences but i love u guys and i couldn't get thru this without u. this is when a messageboard means the most.

when we can not only honour but we can help heal.


tat2-1.jpg


tat1-1.jpg
 
what? Soso, your irl deaf? And you aint no btch! Your rly sweet and nice to eveybody here!

your tatoo is beautiful tho!
 
In the time I have been here, I have learned to know you a bit. And what i have learned makes me like you. Keep going strong. And yes, we all need to support eachother.
 
All my love to you Katie, big hugs. I know how you are feeling, a lot of us feel a big part of us is missing. It's good that we have this place to share how we feel.
 
danke

trish, zac keeps waving at mike on the screen. points and says doo doo. i can't wait to share w/ him the magic of michael.
 
I don't know you well, but from your posts you come across as a kind person! Not a bitch or meanie at all. I love your tattoo!
 
StaceyMJ said:
I don't know you well, but from your posts you come across as a kind person! Not a bitch or meanie at all. I love your tattoo!
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Katie is definitely a kind person and always makes people smile here, I know she makes me smile with her posts.
 
sends you and everyone here and around the world loves and gives a Universal (HUGS)
 
OMG I LOVE this tattoo... Its awesome!! And BTW, you're not a meanie at all!
 
that tattoo is THE JOINT and I mean from a creative point of view of how you used it to harness the pain - wish i could do that - plus its fly as u know what - good for u - its inspiring - thanks for sharing -

p.s. whatever its worth, just in case you're thinking of me as one who you've had differences with, i just want you to know that for me, were it not for those 'differences' this board could not have been as on fire; with everyone having a chance to stimulate thought with one another - i also want you to know that until i learned my way around this board, you were one of the ones who, if i saw your name i'd click on it because i knew it would be a good place for me to start with learning what was RILLI goin on, not only in the discussion but i mean what's RILLI goin on - period - in context of whatever those crazies were up to b/c i knew u saw through it clearly and the fact that u didn't post with a bunch of "words" (unlike me lol i just can't seem to help feelin' i have to explain myself cause i hate being misunderstood) but anyway ... i thank u for that - so no, thanks for being u

*hand to heart*

we're "here" kate, as far as i'm concerned, if it means anything to ya i mean, just so u know
 
SOS ur posts are always uplifting and somewhat humbling. u seem to have a knack for explaining and communicating w/ people and that's something i'veadmired.

same goes for classic and agb. friend ur avatarhas cracked me up since the beginning. mj lookin so nice but so naughty.

im glad u guys don't think im mean....i remember back when i first got here, trial shit, i would post and post and post and it woul dbe the same questions and finally i got fed up and would lash out. like wtf? can't u scroll back.

i would welcome that time right now, it makes what we went through seem so small and if this is waht it takes to bring everyone together and to have mj at peace, then so be it.

nothing is done w/o a reason and HE knows what he's doing. mj was with this world for almost 51 yrs and in that time has helped thousands upon thousands and that's y he was put here. that was his purpose. themusic and the nice butt were just a bonus, imo
 
Soso Deaf said:
SOS ur posts are always uplifting and somewhat humbling. u seem to have a knack for explaining and communicating w/ people and that's something i'veadmired.

same goes for classic and agb. friend ur avatarhas cracked me up since the beginning. mj lookin so nice but so naughty.

im glad u guys don't think im mean....i remember back when i first got here, trial shit, i would post and post and post and it woul dbe the same questions and finally i got fed up and would lash out. like wtf? can't u scroll back.

i would welcome that time right now, it makes what we went through seem so small and if this is waht it takes to bring everyone together and to have mj at peace, then so be it.

nothing is done w/o a reason and HE knows what he's doing. mj was with this world for almost 51 yrs and in that time has helped thousands upon thousands and that's y he was put here. that was his purpose. themusic and the nice butt were just a bonus, imo
Click to expand...
:rollin:

hilarious and so true lol


and thanx for the compliment very much
 
I came back to this thread because I was watching CNN just now and Teddy Riley was being interviewed. He was saying some really interesting stuff about when he first started to work with Michael and when Michael first heard the demo for Remember the Time. At that time, the news host said for him to hold his story until they show a clip of the video for RTT; when they came back Teddy Riley was crying and tried to finish the interview but the host finally said that he wasn't going to put him through it.

It shows how many people are just so hurt by this. He said what has been said here over and over again: things will never be the same without Michael in the world. He stated that he didn't understand how people could say the mean things that they did about Michael.

It's sad that the majority of us never really get to meet someone with that kind of an aura about them. While he will never be duplicated, I think that another way to pay homage to him is to strive to live life to the max just like he did. I honestly think that despite all the pain he was now at a time in his life that he was truly happy. Maybe that was why God took him from this world--so there was no chance for anyone to inflict pain on him again and take away that happiness.

Just know, Soso Deaf, that there are so many right there with you feeling what you are feeling.

By the way, thanks for the honesty in your first post. I think it's important to know that there are others experiencing what someone else is.
 
I'm swelling up right now. I for one didn't see eye to eye with you most of the time. I honestly didn't even won't to read you post anymore at on point and we had a few rounds. But....ever since I started to get my own life in order and now that this has happened. All of that seems SOOO silly petty and small. I'm so sorry soso. I have none ill feeling of those things anymore toward you.

I have re-evaluated so many things in my life now. So many times that I worried trying to get ready for london. Like on the daily I worried about this and that I had to get prepared for. And now looking back I have learned that it don't matter. We as ppl.. humans take things for granted or we feel as if the world is going come to an end on the smallest things.

Michael is gone *sigh* and I hate that it took losing him to see all of this. I would give anything right now to have him back! Anything! Alll those worries of what to do before the concert that I stressed over seems like nothing to me anymore.

IAll that matters is. LIFE! The life of our loved ones and showing them that we love them. You never know when its your time. I was thinking it coulda be me who passed. it coulda been a family member. Any way you look at it...it's just all so sudden. That why I have learned to love, cherish, and appreciate what I have.

Those stupid fights with had on what micheael would wear or what he would do. God.. I got so annoyed with some of yall. But now I would give anything for that back. Baby is gone and everything seems so small and pointless now.

I love you guys so much. This was the place I could always find comfort and understanding of Our michael, when other around me didn't understand my love for him. Thank you all for the good and the bad.

We will get through this. Though I hate what it took for me to grow up and realize this. :no:
 
well then this had one positive. if anything, we know that u can be here today and gone today. and mjf, i don't drink THAT much! lol i think we all have egos, want to post, want peopleto agree w/ us and when it doesn't happen, we get upset. we have cliques etc...

it wasthe same way during the trial but on june 13th one thing was apparent, we were all, at that time, friends and a family.

and here we are now, w/ the news from june 25th, friends and a family
 
classic I so desparetely wanted to feel that aura to be in his presence even if I never met him. I wanted to feel and be in one accordance and just in the same room. Building with him. I never gave up hope that michael would tour again although I never wanted him to feel pressured into doing it. I just kept the faith in my heart.

When TII was announced and michael held the Press con. I thought this was my chance I would finally feel the magic the being of this wonderful man that I spent so many hours of my life thinking about. So then the rescheduling happened and I was just happy that my date wasn't moved to 2010. I would see michael soon. There was a count down thread. I got less then 3 weeks away. So close and then it just got snatched away from me (us, him, he was so hype for the comeback). I still can't believe this. It's not that michael just cancelled the shows and maybe I can hope for another time. It's that I can never hope for anything else. Never a laugh, a cry, a smile, an appearance, a mask and pj's, NOTHING! He's FOREVER GONE!

what I wouldn't do to just have a few more days back. we didn't get to say goodbye or anything. It just feels so unreal and taken away. I could care less if michael never ever sang another song or performed again. I just now want him here on earth. I want him to breathe and walk that walk of his just a little while longer. BUT the hope is gone.

Why right now! At 50? he had so much to give still. I had so much to give him.
 
I was thinking, during the tattoo, about the times i had with mike. the dumb things he said that made us laugh, how we almost got hit by a bus and the family was crackingup at our asses, us racing on the freeway....

mj is alive in ur memories of him. justlike he'll live on through his music, hopefully he was able to be enough of an influence to guide his children to the right path and he can shine on thru them
 
Soso Deaf said:
well then this had one positive. if anything, we know that u can be here today and gone today. and mjf, i don't drink THAT much! lol i think we all have egos, want to post, want peopleto agree w/ us and when it doesn't happen, we get upset. we have cliques etc...

it wasthe same way during the trial but on june 13th one thing was apparent, we were all, at that time, friends and a family.

and here we are now, w/ the news from june 25th, friends and a family
Click to expand...
so true with think that we are right and those who don't agree...down with them. But that's so petty. We got to love one another. even ppl you don't know and you see them on the street. Be kind hearted to folks.

we are gonna pull through I don't know when or how long cuz right now seem unnatural and wrong on so many level. I don't know how I would look at the month of june anymore. I even went back in my journal to see past date of what was happening all the way to his bday of 08 then the count down from the press con. who woulda even thought he would be gone right now. He didn't even make it to 51 years or age.:no: I want to go back to wednesday. I truely still can't mental believe this. I talk and type about it. but I still don't feel like he is really gone.
 
oh my future baby daddy...wtf have u been? man this is some trying times, babe. what a low to hit after so many months of highs. but the best thing i can think of to make it bearable is that he's not in pain any longer and his children, and his baby mama and family seem to be trying ot work things out and they're in teh care of folks who love 'em.

so long as that stays constant, i can smile knowing he's watching them from above with a smile on his face
 
This is the first day I could bring myself to be here. It's so tragic but I need my friends. I'm hoping to post some words later. I just miss him so much & everytime I think about the kids my heart aches those poor babies. So many thoughts, so little words.
 
SoSo Deaf, First of all let me start off by saying I am new to this forum. I used the other one but know it is gone. I also have read your post and I love your tattoos. I have been a mess myself ever since Michael passed away. I too am getting a tattoo. I have none now. I am a big chicken..lol...But Michael has motivated me to do this. it doesnt seem like it right now I know but we will all make it through this.

I love you Michael rest in peace sweet angel. You light only shines brighter now.
 
true dat rick'd....true dat.

glad ur here posting and trust me, tattoos never hurt until today. it was like all my pain went into the tattoo. it was very odd but releiving afterwards

this is the time we should band together and make this work. this isn't it. tehre's more to come.
 
Hey Soso,

I don't know you too much or any of the new peep's here since I had to be off the forum for awhile. I used to work for the PR team here awhile back when it was MJJF. I loved your post and you seem like real honest and cool people's.

Love the tattoo

God Bless,
Destiny
 
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