zinniabooklover
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Yessssssss!!!! Totally. That's it. I mean, I do wonder if there was a tiny kernel of sexual attraction there because of his hands. There was always an issue with his hands. But, generally, yeah, there wasn't any obvious sexual attraction so now that it's hit me like a ton of bricks - and kind of out of the blue - it's just ... weird. This is what I was trying to get at in my pathetic attempt to write a haiku. I was saying Michael in the Black Panther dance is insanely erotic but I never felt any sexual attraction to him but now that's changed (that's the last line). Just trying to look at the tension between those two opposite things. That was the idea, anyway.Tbh, I think all of our feelings for Michael are complicated! But yours may be more so because you didn't start out with ANY of that sexual attraction, from what I understand. So that might be why it's especially confusing to you
It's definitely confusing. I love it but it's kind of seriously weird, as well.
I agree with all of this. I think my problem is I keep on trying to understand it. I need to just be more Zen about it and accept it for what it is. I don't think it can be explained or it isn't even necessary for me to know any more than I do at the moment. If I'm happy about it (and I am) then I should just go with the flow. But that never seems to happen. And I do think that combination of sensuality AND the raw sexual power is an electric combination. I think it's the two together that sometimes feels too much.I *COMPLETELY* understand what you are trying to articulate in the part I bolded here. I've said this at some point, but I very much think part of what made Michael so intoxicating is that he triggers every single response a woman/person can possibly have to another person. There's deep admiration, awe, intellectual stimulation, emotional stimulation, romantic interest, sexual attraction, spiritual attraction... but breaking it down to the two topics we are discussing here, for me, Michael is an intensely sensual figure with a kind of raw sexual power that feels both animalistic and wild (as well as tender), in the exact way you want a man to trigger you...
I really want to put a circle of protection around him. A circle of light would do very nicely, actually. He is (sorry, was) pure light. That is definitely how I think of him....but at the same time, he is so vulnerable, gentle, loving, kind, and pure, that he also triggers an intense protectiveness and all the nurturing I love to give to the people I most care about. That's why I think you may not be able to nail down exactly what it is you are feeling. It's NOT maternal, but it's nurturing, protective, loving... you want to cradle him in a way that you want to with anyone you love. He was pure light and no one pure in their heart would ever want to do anything but help pure light shine even brighter.
Same. That's why it's so weird. And my crushes were never this intense. I mean, really lovely and all that but not so my mind was being pulverised. And definitely not this much heat. That's for d*mn sure.I've had celebrity crushes here and there before, but I have NEVER had one that ignited both of these feelings simultaneously and in equal measure. I wouldn't even call my feelings about Michael a celebrity crush. I genuinely love him lol.
This. 1000%. I fantasise about being his friend more than any other type of fantasy or daydream. I want to talk with him about the moon, about trees, about the poetry of Rilke, about backing vocals, about video editing, about Martha Graham, about Alvin Ailey, about Curtis Mayfield, about Eastern religious thought ... or just about Spiderman comics. And The Flash. That would do me just fine, lol. Not the films. The comics.I also really want to talk to him about my childhood and trauma, which probably sounds so strange ... But in these fantasies, he and I are actual friends, so I also fantasize about the mutuality of that friendship. I don't remember if it was an interview or something, but I recall hearing or reading somewhere that one of his social struggles was that people just always wanted to talk to him about him and he was much more interested in learning about other people. That is I think what gave me the freedom to start fantasizing about what kind of listener he would be and what he would say about things I want to tell him lol.
The sticking point for me is I can't imagine what his responses might be (even though it's MY fantasy, fgs). I can't seem to give myself the freedom to imagine what his response to anything I say might be. I just can't do it. So my daydreams are a bit lopsided, lol. And quite short.