I don't know what to say.

[L.J]

I don't know what to say.

People talk to me and I don't know what to say...

It's a rare day to get me speechless (as some of you may remember).
But I have been without words now for a couple of days and that's how I know that this whole thing isn't a universal joke like I was kind of hoping.

When I was told at work... I was waiting for someone to leap out from somewhere and go "PUNK'D!!"
When I watched it on the tellie I kept thinking "I know it's a joke... they're all being too nice for this to be the real deal." So I pinched myself too to check it wasn't a dream.

But through the unusal niceness of the news reporters and the constant montages I came to the realisation that this was indeed true... but more important was that all the rumours and lies and scandals and innuendo the so called weeds of life's garden were getting overrun by the beautiful flowers of truth, love and compassion.


I think it's up to us as fans in our grief to take up the challenge of keeping the flowers vibrant and to then pull out the weeds when they decide to try and creep back into forefront of Michael's legacy.


I know I have been absent from the community for many months now.
Circumstances arose in my life that resulted in my heart being fractured and my response to distress and pain is to block it out, along with anything slightly connected to it. So I walked away and from that I closed myself off from so many friends and people I cared about, and in that process I guess I've probably lost a lot of friends due to my own silence.
Just know that in my absence from MJJCommunity I never stopped loving Michael or supporting him. Though I couldn't bring myself to immerse myself back into a large online community, I did manage to find my voice in other avenues and continued to respond to rude remarks on various blogs/youtube videos etc.
Michael Jackson was also a regular fixture within my own classes and my students as a result either have respect for Michael Jackson, or they have a healthy respect for not making derogatory remarks about someone, or
someone's interests. I still don't know if I'm ready to re-immerse myself into the community but I want to let my friends on here know that I haven't disappeared and done something foolish to myself in light of recent news, and that more importantly that I am here for all of you.

When I heard the news on my Friday morning at work, I immediately started reaching out to fellow MJ fans in my confusion and fear of the news reports appearing on my work laptop. I think it's safe to say if the events that occurred for me earlier this year fractured my heart... then Friday's news has truly broken my heart.
The loss of Michael Jackson so early is of such a magnitude that I have yet to find words that aptly describe my emotions or the impact that it will have on the community, let alone the world at large.



Right now however I'll just keep sending my love to his family, to my fellow fans and to all others who were inspired and entertained by him.

May he finally have found peace.



:give_flowers:

 

[Mechi]

Gosh L.J. I've missed you greatly! You have no idea how much comfort it is for me only to know you're back! Thank you so much for being here again!!!

 

[Foxy..]

What I have found so poingiant is that all fans have reacted to the terrible news under almost identical circumstances. First we assume its a cruel joke, then move onto denial when witnessing the breaking news and then all feel a sadness that is unexplainable yet so draining.

What is quite wonderful about that fact is that although Michael is no longer with us in body, as a human being, it doesn't take away from the fact that we are collectively as one. MJJC and all other fan networks, online and offline have been brought together by his passing and can allow us to unite to celebrate and reflect upon his legacy. We can also continue his legacy, his music and dance is timeless, therefore our fandom is timeless and this community unbreakable.

I would also like to pass on my deepest sympathy to Michael's entire family, close, distant and fan family. And Michael, wherever you may be, I know you are reading this, Thank You for making the first 21 years of my life so happy with your entertainment, and I will continue to love and support you until I have also passed on. My children will be fans don't you worry!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts L.J. We are all feeling the same pain, never think you are alone in your feelings about Michael

 

[Experience the magic]

Welcome home LJ, I am glad to have you in our mids again. We are here for you, don't forget that. Michael will live on in our memories and we will cary on his legacy. In my country every single Michael item was sold out in a matter of hours. Cd's, dvd's, books, they were all gone. This to me shows that Michael is finally being recognized for the icon he was. We'll keep his spirit alive, together as a community we strand strong!

 

[wendijane]

LJ we are all here :better:

 

[LindaC781]

I'm here for you LJ. Thanks for stopping by. Take care ok?

 

[L.J]

There is only one other thing that I have found that has distressed me more than the knowledge that he is gone... and that is the fact that some really beautiful people I know are hurting so much from this sudden loss.
Friends have voiced to me their pain in not having anyone to talk to who understands their loss and I'm just so greatful for the fact that MJ fans really do know how to support one another.

Much love to you all and I will try to hang around for a little bit.

 

[swirly]

*hugs to you L.J*

 

[L.J]

Gosh L.J. I've missed you greatly! You have no idea how much comfort it is for me only to know you're back! Thank you so much for being here again!!!

And I've missed you :hug:

What I have found so poingiant is that all fans have reacted to the terrible news under almost identical circumstances. First we assume its a cruel joke, then move onto denial when witnessing the breaking news and then all feel a sadness that is unexplainable yet so draining.

What is quite wonderful about that fact is that although Michael is no longer with us in body, as a human being, it doesn't take away from the fact that we are collectively as one. MJJC and all other fan networks, online and offline have been brought together by his passing and can allow us to unite to celebrate and reflect upon his legacy. We can also continue his legacy, his music and dance is timeless, therefore our fandom is timeless and this community unbreakable.

I would also like to pass on my deepest sympathy to Michael's entire family, close, distant and fan family. And Michael, wherever you may be, I know you are reading this, Thank You for making the first 21 years of my life so happy with your entertainment, and I will continue to love and support you until I have also passed on. My children will be fans don't you worry!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts L.J. We are all feeling the same pain, never think you are alone in your feelings about Michael

That's one thing James, I've never felt alone in my feelings in regards to MJ, he has one giant community of wonderful people out there

Welcome home LJ, I am glad to have you in our mids again. We are here for you, don't forget that. Michael will live on in our memories and we will cary on his legacy. In my country every single Michael item was sold out in a matter of hours. Cd's, dvd's, books, they were all gone. This to me shows that Michael is finally being recognized for the icon he was. We'll keep his spirit alive, together as a community we strand strong!

Thankyou :hug: and that's amazing!


Big hugs to wendi, Linda and swirly too

 

[Rebirth]

I'm crushed.

I was able to pull myself together yesterday but today is somewhat different.

I have a hard time believing Michael Jackson has passed away.

Just like I mentioned in a different thread, I feel like marching to LA. I would scream to my lung at Michael to wake up and if he's not, I will pound his chest until he is awake.

I have lost partial of my spirit and my soul. It will regain but not in the same way anymore.

Rest in peace my dear King.

 

[Rebirth]

I know I have been absent from the community for many months now.

I too return to this forum due to Michael's death, which is a complete shock to me.

I was informed by my colleagues last morning. My mind was utterly blank. I thought it was just a rumor or another nasty joke. But indeed it's true.

I didn't cry until I got home from work. Cried again today for a while.

 

[L.J]

:hug: Rebirth love you dude keep your chin up

finding out at work is hard. One friend offered to look after my classes if I wanted to go home and I told her no I needed to be with people.

 

[cryingangel]

Looks like everyone thought it was a sick joke.

I found out at 6:30 a.m. , a friend had sent me a text message at 2:00 a.m. [good thing I didn't hear the phone, or I would've stayed up all night crying]. I deleted the message and told myself: "Why does everyone believe all the crap they hear? And they even tell me afterwards!!" 15 min later, as I was washing my face, my mom came to me with a face that made me wonder if she'd seen a ghost and asked me: "...Is it really true? ..." I knew immediately what she meant and said: "NO!!!! Stop believing all the lies!!!! I'll log on the forum right now and prove to you that it's nothing but a disgusting lie!!!"
Sadly....the forum proved me wrong....
I instantly started crying and asked her not to say a single word to me. Still crying, I got ready for the exam I had to sustain in an hour (what a joy, heh?). I kept crying till the exam started, did everything in my power to focus (ironically, I had to do an essay about how love changes people; thought I would go mad) , and as soon as I was out, tears started brimming into my eyes again.
And when I got home, I literally wanted to pull my hair out and started screaming..... I can't bear to hear the "d" word, or see "2009" next to his name, not to mention talk about him in the past tense... it's too much for me!!!!

I never imagined a world without Michael Jackson could exist... he had proved to me that miracles are possible, and when he said: "I want to live forever", by all means I believed that he would live forever!!!

It's like a big part of me has died...and I know it will never heal.

What pains me most though is that I'm having a hard time believing he will rest in peace. When I think of those 3 little angels, my heart breaks all over again. He left so much and so many behind, he is still so needed! And I am sure he fought for his life with every bit of strength he had left, because he knew how many depended on him, on his healing love.

I really feel like the world is a much sadder place right now. And never before has life seemed so unfair to me.

I'm still in denial. I can't accept it. I just can't.

Welcome back Linda...and like you said, I'm sorry it had to be under these circumstances.
I myself have been absent for a number of months due to exams and other preparations, but right now I don't know how I could take it without this place. It's the only thing offering me a bit of comfort.

 

[L.J]

:hug: you're a beautiful soul.... and when I visit Romania in a few years time you and I are going out for ice cream and we're gonna talk about how awesome Mr Michael Jackson was for us. (and how awesome the ice cream is )

 

[giddyup87]

great post L.J.

and Foxy your signature hit me hard.... i love it.

 

[Rebirth]

LJ - I'm trying to send another im to you but I think its stuck.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I know that each one of us will eventually die and that including Michael Jackson. But it never crossed my mind that he will pass away in this kind of circumstances and at a young age. And damn it, few weeks before his O2 concert???!!!

I am in a way is pissed off right now. Not at Michael but at time and if there is a God, I am going to rant at him/her/it too.

 

[cryingangel]

:hug: you're a beautiful soul.... and when I visit Romania in a few years time you and I are going out for ice cream and we're gonna talk about how awesome Mr Michael Jackson was for us. (and how awesome the ice cream is )

No, how wonderful he IS!!! Say otherwise and you won't be getting any yummy ice-cream


:hug:

 

[cryingangel]

I am in a way is pissed off right now. Not at Michael but at time and if there is a God, I am going to rant at him/her/it too.

Oh dear, it's like you read my mind out. I keep saying that if all things happen for a reason, then this is one hell of an exception, cause there can't be any good reason for this.

 

[Sharlene]

*sigh* L.J and cryingangel... ur stories moved me. ive been spending hour after hour on this site, reading about peoples feelings and whats going on in their mind. i think its because i dont know how to comprehend this myself i am so glad michael's fans are so loving and supportive. i think michael has given a piece of himself to all of us, thats why we have so much love.

 

[cass]

Welcome back with open arms, Lj! Everything is going to be ok. Just focus on the fact that even though we are heartbroken, Michael is without the mental and physical pain that had become his life. He is at peace now and he has left us so many wonderful gifts, some we haven't received yet. He is gone but alive in each one of us. *hug*

 

[L.J]

great post L.J.

and Foxy your signature hit me hard.... i love it.

thankyou Rhys :hug:

LJ - I'm trying to send another im to you but I think its stuck.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I know that each one of us will eventually die and that including Michael Jackson. But it never crossed my mind that he will pass away in this kind of circumstances and at a young age. And damn it, few weeks before his O2 concert???!!!

I am in a way is pissed off right now. Not at Michael but at time and if there is a God, I am going to rant at him/her/it too.

ok you rant and I'll do the fist shaking... I can also do hysterical wailing and temper tantrums.... I know this because I have done all three in the last 48 hours or so.

No, how wonderful he IS!!! Say otherwise and you won't be getting any yummy ice-cream


:hug:

Just remember I'm bigger than you and could make you a crying angel

*sigh* L.J and cryingangel... ur stories moved me. ive been spending hour after hour on this site, reading about peoples feelings and whats going on in their mind. i think its because i dont know how to comprehend this myself i am so glad michael's fans are so loving and supportive. i think michael has given a piece of himself to all of us, thats why we have so much love.

:hug: please give yourself time to step away from the board too and just have some time to reflect by yourself. You are right in saying that fans are supportive, I've seen it time and time again when it comes to MJ's fans in time of need.

Welcome back with open arms, Lj! Everything is going to be ok. Just focus on the fact that even though we are heartbroken, Michael is without the mental and physical pain that had become his life. He is at peace now and he has left us so many wonderful gifts, some we haven't received yet. He is gone but alive in each one of us. *hug*

:hug: thankyou cass I've missed your positivity and kind words

 

[mello1]

Let me say that I support LJ's post. I logged on MJJC on Thursday after the news was confirmed. I was very busy at work and had just come out of a meeting when a co-worker who I just finished talking to came back into my office to ask me why I didn't tell her that MJ had died.

Died. And this from a co-worker who would NEVER joke about such a thing.

Died.

Died. The worst case scenareo. When other singers have died before their time (or before our sense of their time), I would ponder.... man... if this happened to MJ... I couldn't imagine.

Boy. I had no idea in my wildest of imaginations.

I sat at my desk like someone had dropped a load of bricks on my head. And I couldn't cry. I had to be calm and professional. After all, these folks at my job had no idea of how big of a fan I was (all but one person). Then I just shut my office door. My head was hurting. My stomach started to hurt. And my heart started to ache. When I finally got home, I bawled like a baby.

I'm not ashamed to say that these few days have been the worst of my life and I have not felt this bad since my mother died 23 years ago at the age of 52. Moveover, I'm rather overwhelmed by my feelings right now because in a sense, it's worse.

For a person whom I've never met and don't know from Adam, it's worse. Maybe because as someone on another message board I frequent said, it's like a part of my childhood has come to an end. Because he and his brothers were a part of my childhood and part of the best part of it growing up.

I wish I had some deep, profound thing to say that would make people feel better or that I have the answer that would make members who may feel worse than I do not do the things that they are thinking about in their heads.

I've already heard some things and I have begun to reach out to those who I know to offer whatever comfort and support that I can give to them.

Nothing else really matters right now and nothing else is really more important.

My profound and deepest sympathies to his children, his parents, his siblings and other family members, close friends and to all of his fans everywhere around the world.

I've always said this and I do mean it: I am honored and blessed to have lived during the same time that this wonderful creature came into my life at the age of 10 to when he drifted of my life at the age of 51.

 

[friend]

(hugs) LJ and mello... is a comfort to see you both

 

[Kinga]

I can't bear to hear the "d" word, or see "2009" next to his name, not to mention talk about him in the past tense... it's too much for me!!!!

I never imagined a world without Michael Jackson could exist... he had proved to me that miracles are possible, and when he said: "I want to live forever", by all means I believed that he would live forever!!!

It's like a big part of me has died...and I know it will never heal.

What pains me most though is that I'm having a hard time believing he will rest in peace. When I think of those 3 little angels, my heart breaks all over again. He left so much and so many behind, he is still so needed! And I am sure he fought for his life with every bit of strength he had left, because he knew how many depended on him, on his healing love.

I really feel like the world is a much sadder place right now. And never before has life seemed so unfair to me.

I'm still in denial. I can't accept it. I just can't.

Same here, totally. I'm devastated, lost and empty inside. *cries*

 

[L.J]

Mel :hug:

Your post makes my heart hurt, actually a lot of posts on this forum are making my heart hurt... so much open sincerity so much anguish and so much distress.
Finding out at work is hard... especially for a lot of fans who worked with people who had no idea that they were a big fan.

I found out from a guy who usually tells MJ jokes to stir me (in a friendly way thankfully). I told him his joke was lame..
"Hey Linda did you hear about Michael? they think he's dead"

"Andrew that's the lamest joke... even from you."

...his face then just totally fell... and then the strangest thing happened... I felt like I was reading his mind... I could see his brain going "holy shit I'm the first person to tell her.... she didn't know...."

"Oh shit mate I'm so sorry."

then before I could answer him my phone rang... an old friend I hadn't seen in 2 years "Linda I'm so sorry!!!"

and this was all 20 minutes before my first class that I would have to teach for the day...

I walked to the class and I repeated over and over again "don't snap at any kid who makes a joke... they're kids they wont understand... fuck I don't understand"



Thankfully the kids behaved and thankfully my wonderful colleagues hugged me and gave me support and no one made a joke or decided to be an ass.

Mello I too have no words of advice, or strategies to make this easier... except maybe to remind people to listen to that little voice in their head, if it tells you to reach out to someone, do it. If it's telling you that you need some quiet time, do it. If it's telling you not to go to work today because you'll become a mess, then stay home. If it's telling you to light a candle, or call someone, then do it.



:hug: hugs to friend and Kinga :hug:

 

[mello1]

"And when I got home, I literally wanted to pull my hair out and started screaming..... I can't bear to hear the "d" word, or see "2009" next to his name, not to mention talk about him in the past tense... it's too much for me!!!!"

You don't know how much I started bawling again after reading just this part. I feel the exact same way. It's really hard to bare to see that...

 

[Kinga]

...his face then just totally fell... and then the strangest thing happened... I felt like I was reading his mind... I could see his brain going "holy shit I'm the first person to tell her.... she didn't know...."

The person who told me also didn't know that I haven't heard the news. She felt herself awful.

I told her the same like most of the fans: wtf? again that joke!?!?! Go to hell.

:hug: hugs to friend and Kinga :hug:

Hugs back!

 

[MJJChichi]

see girl, i told you

I was right i was right

 

[L.J]

*ignores post by know it all wearing nothing but underpants*






:hug: Chi you sorry sod you're lucky you're in NY otherwise I'd find you and give you a crusher hug... *eyes underpants* actually aren't they the same ones you was wearing back at MJJF a year or so ago? How about I send you some fresher newer ones? I think I have plaid ones around here somewhere...
I do luv ya though, you're a beautiful person.

 

[cryingangel]

Mello, your story reminds me so much of myself. Not only could I never imagine him going before other artists, but I couldn't even picture him going before ME!!!
And unlike other times, I don't have the power to comfort others. What can I say? "You'll have to accept it eventually." - when I don't accept it? "The pain will go away in time" - when I know MY pain won't go away? "There's a reason for everything in life" - when the words "there is no reason" keep resonating in my head?
It's like all the comfort in the world has gone down the drain. And as I said before, unlike with other people, with him I just can't bring myself to believe he'll rest in peace. If I knew that he left leaving everything in order, it would be better, but it came out of nowhere, it was a shock for everyone. Maybe he had felt something (as Lisa-Marie suggested), but I don't think he was ready for it. Heck, NO ONE could have been ready for it!

Linda, Mello, Kinga, and everyone - thank you for your stories. Even now.... even if the stupidest thing in the world has happened, I can still say this: I am NOT alone!