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I can't live without him.

WeAreTheWorld

WeAreTheWorld

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I'm sorry, I just needed to get this off my chest. I don't expect anyone to read it all.

I just can't live without him. There is no way in this world that I can survive without him. No way.
And that is exactly why I wont.
No, I'm not talking about suicide. Just as much as I know that I can't breath without him, I know that there's no way that I'm gonna end my breathing because of him. I know that the last thing he'd wanted would be for anyone to get hurt because of him. But I just can't live without him. A world without his music, or seeing his face (even if it just is on screen) or hearing his voice is no world I would want to be a part of. Or can be a part of. Therefore I'm going to keep on listening to his music, keep on spreading it and keep on loving it.
Because I will always love him. Yes, I'm very young, but he's been in my life for too long and saved me too many times for me to let go of him. Maybe when I'm 35 and have children, a carrier, a husband and a house of my own, he will no longer have this massive part of my heart. But I doubt it.
So where am I getting with this?

See, I want to listen to his music. I want to love it again, I want it to make me happy. But I just couldn't, until just now. These last couple of days I've tried to listen to his music, but it only made things worse. I began crying, shaking... having panic attacks.
The pain somehow grew even bigger. But still I just couldn't shake of that need to hear him, that longing for his voice. Then suddenly today, I was listening to music on my phone, avoiding any Michael-songs just like I've begun doing, when I saw "Will you be there" and I pressed play. I thought I was gonna start screaming and crying again, but when the song began playing I just started smiling. Sure, the pain was there and so where the tears after a few minutes. But I smiled, I actually smiled. I suddenly pictured him sitting there in front of me singing. Somehow it felt like he actually WAS there. I'd like to think that he was.
And it made me smile. I saw him, and I actually felt him with me, and it HELPED. I may be crazy, but the thought of him being there is so comforting somehow.
Somehow it made me think that the fact that he's no longer here physically makes it possible for him to always be present... spiritually. It's crazy, I know. But it made me smile. Suddenly I could feel a bit closer to him again.
We all have our ways of dealing with stuff, and this is mine. I might be out of my mind, but in that case I just have to keep on being so. Because as I said there's no way I'm living without him.

This doesn't mean that I'm saying that I'm over it all yet. On the contrary, it's all just getting worse by every day that passes. The pain's just growing and God knows how long it will be before I can stop hurting. But this is something good anyway.
Because in all my pain and grief I would really love to be able to listen to his music. I would really want to be able to get into that "Michael-world" and isolate myself when it's all getting so unbearable that I just can't take it.
I need it, especially now, when everything else is going to hell.

I know it all sounds crazy, but anything that's got something to do with Michael that brings me even the faintest glimpse of happiness right now, is something that I'm going to grasp and hold on to for dear life. Because I can't live without him, I really can't. And I don't want to either.

Now that's my way of dealing with things. I would very much like to hear about y'alls.
 
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Well, I've been trying to celebrate Michael's life, listening to his music, thinking of happier times. I look at death as just a part of life, just as much as a birthday or milestone event. Plus I like to think there is a Heaven and Michael is there now, happy and resting..one day you will meet him again, believe me. Keep the Faith.
 
IRISH_JR said:
Well, I've been trying to celebrate Michael's life, listening to his music, thinking of happier times. I look at death as just a part of life, just as much as a birthday or milestone event. Plus I like to think there is a Heaven and Michael is there now, happy and resting..one day you will meet him again, believe me. Keep the Faith.
Click to expand...

That's so beautiful. I'd really like to think that's true.
 
Thanks, everyone, for sharing your feelings and your stories. If you are ever truly feeling like ending your life, there are suicide hotlines posted:

http://www.mjjcommunity.com/forum/showthread.php?t=66247

There are people on phones, in the U.S. and internationally who can talk to you, offer comfort, and give resources for your area.

The love in this community is amazing. Thank you.

Victoria
 
WeAreTheWorld said:
I'm sorry, I just needed to get this off my chest. I don't expect anyone to read it all.

I just can't live without him. There is no way in this world that I can survive without him. No way.
And that is exactly why I wont.
No, I'm not talking about suicide. Just as much as I know that I can't breath without him, I know that there's no way that I'm gonna end my breathing because of him. I know that the last thing he'd wanted would be for anyone to get hurt because of him. But I just can't live without him. A world without his music, or seeing his face (even if it just is on screen) or hearing his voice is no world I would want to be a part of. Or can be a part of. Therefore I'm going to keep on listening to his music, keep on spreading it and keep on loving it.
Because I will always love him. Yes, I'm very young, but he's been in my life for too long and saved me too many times for me to let go of him. Maybe when I'm 35 and have children, a carrier, a husband and a house of my own, he will no longer have this massive part of my heart. But I doubt it.
So where am I getting with this?

See, I want to listen to his music. I want to love it again, I want it to make me happy. But I just couldn't, until just now. These last couple of days I've tried to listen to his music, but it only made things worse. I began crying, shaking... having panic attacks.
The pain somehow grew even bigger. But still I just couldn't shake of that need to hear him, that longing for his voice. Then suddenly today, I was listening to music on my phone, avoiding any Michael-songs just like I've begun doing, when I saw "Will you be there" and I pressed play. I thought I was gonna start screaming and crying again, but when the song began playing I just started smiling. Sure, the pain was there and so where the tears after a few minutes. But I smiled, I actually smiled. I suddenly pictured him sitting there in front of me singing. Somehow it felt like he actually WAS there. I'd like to think that he was.
And it made me smile. I saw him, and I actually felt him with me, and it HELPED. I may be crazy, but the thought of him being there is so comforting somehow.
Somehow it made me think that the fact that he's no longer here physically makes it possible for him to always be present... spiritually. It's crazy, I know. But it made me smile. Suddenly I could feel a bit closer to him again.
We all have our ways of dealing with stuff, and this is mine. I might be out of my mind, but in that case I just have to keep on being so. Because as I said there's no way I'm living without him.

This doesn't mean that I'm saying that I'm over it all yet. On the contrary, it's all just getting worse by every day that passes. The pain's just growing and God knows how long it will be before I can stop hurting. But this is something good anyway.
Because in all my pain and grief I would really love to be able to listen to his music. I would really want to be able to get into that "Michael-world" and isolate myself when it's all getting so unbearable that I just can't take it.
I need it, especially now, when everything else is going to hell.

I know it all sounds crazy, but anything that's got something to do with Michael that brings me even the faintest glimpse of happiness right now, is something that I'm going to grasp and hold on to for dear life. Because I can't live without him, I really can't.

Now that's my way of dealing with things. I would very much like to hear about y'alls.
Click to expand...

I can totally undersatand how you feel. Some people are far too emotional to accept a loss easily. Some people take days to get over a loss, some take months and some probably a year. But believe you me, no matter how emotional you are you will get over it when its meant too.

I will give you my own example, I felt the same way when I lost my Dad 11months back due to an un expected Heart attack. It was similar to that of MJ, there was no good bye.
I felt very strange that my sibilings came to accept his loss while I was still hurting badly. I like you now, did'nt see a purpose of life, I was praying for Death. But as time went by I learnt to live with the dis-appointment.

I know it takes time but believe me we all learn learn to live with it, especially wen we see other people suffer even more we comfort ourselves that it not the worst thing in the world.

When some one told me wat im telling you at that time I refused to acknowledge it saying that there was no way I cud live without Dad, be it 1 year frm then or 10 years. But I was wrong...

Im not saying we can forget Mike but we will learn to live with it.
 
Peter_Pan said:
I can totally undersatand how you feel. Some people are far too emotional to accept a loss easily. Some people take days to get over a loss, some take months and some probably a year. But believe you me, no matter how emotional you are you will get over it when its meant too.

I will give you my own example, I felt the same way when I lost my Dad 11months back due to an un expected Heart attack. It was similar to that of MJ, there was no good bye.
I felt very strange that my sibilings came to accept his loss while I was still hurting badly. I like you now, did'nt see a purpose of life, I was praying for Death. But as time went by I learnt to live with the dis-appointment.

I know it takes time but believe me we all learn learn to live with it, especially wen we see other people suffer even more we comfort ourselves that it not the worst thing in the world.

When some one told me wat im telling you at that time I refused to acknowledge it saying that there was no way I cud live without Dad, be it 1 year frm then or 10 years. But I was wrong...

Im not saying we can forget Mike but we will learn to live with it.
Click to expand...

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad, I really am. And I suppose your right about all that, it's just so hard believing that there will actually be a time when this doesn't hurt anymore. I guess we will all learn to live with it eventually, but I hate waiting for it.
 
WeAreTheWorld said:
when I saw "Will you be there" and I pressed play. I thought I was gonna start screaming and crying again, but when the song began playing I just started smiling. Sure, the pain was there and so where the tears after a few minutes. But I smiled, I actually smiled. I suddenly pictured him sitting there in front of me singing.
Click to expand...

Something similar happened to me today. Yesterday I couldn't listen to his music but today I missed his voice so much that I had to listen to some of the songs. I listened to Little Susie, I cried, I listened to Who is it, I enjoyed it, I listened to There must be more to life than this, I smiled. :)

When I feel sad I try to think about that he's happy and smiling.

Michael, I love you!
 
WeAreTheWorld said:
I'm so sorry to hear about your dad, I really am. And I suppose your right about all that, it's just so hard believing that there will actually be a time when this doesn't hurt anymore. I guess we will all learn to live with it eventually, but I hate waiting for it.
Click to expand...

"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles." Sir, Charles Spencer Chaplin Jr.

Lets see, I will msg you in abt a month's time to check how you are feeling.
Im sure things will be better by then.
 
The moment I heard that he passed, I thought the same thing...what am I going to do?, how am I going to live and get past this? I know I'll never be the same now that he is gone... a big piece of me died with him. But then I thought, Michael would want us to be strong and be happy and celebrate him... so that's what I am going to do. I feel like he gave us so much and did so much for people and we should do that for him.. keep his music and his legacy alive. That is what's keeping me going...
 
I feel exactly the same as you. i don't know how I'm going to live my life without Michael.
we'll never see any NEW Pics! , we'll never hear anything new.

All My life Dreams have been shattered.
And it hurts to see how Michaels happy and enthusiastic future plans have been horrifyingly taken away also.

But i will live my life, in dedication to Michael to continue his world, to live out his Dreams to Heal the world as he would have wanted.
And to continue to enjoy Michaels Music and short films and performances, till the end as i have always done.

Michael wouldn't want anything less to see his fans embracing his music and his entertainment has we always have.

This is the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with in my life.
There hasn't and I don't think there ever will be a day, where I don't realize that Michael has gone and I just break down in tears and cry.

Michael Does and Always will mean THAT MUCH to me.

Michael, I Will Love You Forever & Always. :cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry: :boohoo:
 
Kinga said:
Something similar happened to me today. Yesterday I couldn't listen to his music but today I missed his voice so much that I had to listen to some of the songs. I listened to Little Susie, I cried, I listened to Who is it, I enjoyed it, I listened to There must be more to life than this, I smiled. :)

When I feel sad I try to think about that he's happy and smiling.

Michael, I love you!
Click to expand...

I really do believe that the longing for his voice and the joy that listening to his music or watching his videos brings me is stronger than the pain.
And that's so beautiful.
Somehow the Michael who is making me hurt so much is the same Michael who is actually succeeding in comforting me and giving me back my smile.

I love him so much. I don't think there will ever be a time when I wont.
 
I find it odd that the thing that is helping the most through this time is Michaels music, just like it has helped me through many other times. My family think i am torturing myself by listening to it because it makes me cry but they don't understand that inside it makes me feel better when I can hear he is still there.
 
WeAreTheWorld said:
I really do believe that the longing for his voice and the joy that listening to his music or watching his videos brings me is stronger than the pain.
And that's so beautiful.
Somehow the Michael who is making me hurt so much is the same Michael who is actually succeeding in comforting me and giving me back my smile.

I love him so much. I don't think there will ever be a time when I wont.
Click to expand...


I feel exactly the same way :)
I'm so glad i have this place to come to where there are people who understand how i am feeling.
 
Nothing really makes sense to me either anymore.
Everything seems meaningless...
 
WeAreTheWorld said:
I'm sorry, I just needed to get this off my chest. I don't expect anyone to read it all.

I just can't live without him. There is no way in this world that I can survive without him. No way.
And that is exactly why I wont.
No, I'm not talking about suicide. Just as much as I know that I can't breath without him, I know that there's no way that I'm gonna end my breathing because of him. I know that the last thing he'd wanted would be for anyone to get hurt because of him. But I just can't live without him. A world without his music, or seeing his face (even if it just is on screen) or hearing his voice is no world I would want to be a part of. Or can be a part of. Therefore I'm going to keep on listening to his music, keep on spreading it and keep on loving it.
Because I will always love him. Yes, I'm very young, but he's been in my life for too long and saved me too many times for me to let go of him. Maybe when I'm 35 and have children, a carrier, a husband and a house of my own, he will no longer have this massive part of my heart. But I doubt it.
So where am I getting with this?

See, I want to listen to his music. I want to love it again, I want it to make me happy. But I just couldn't, until just now. These last couple of days I've tried to listen to his music, but it only made things worse. I began crying, shaking... having panic attacks.
The pain somehow grew even bigger. But still I just couldn't shake of that need to hear him, that longing for his voice. Then suddenly today, I was listening to music on my phone, avoiding any Michael-songs just like I've begun doing, when I saw "Will you be there" and I pressed play. I thought I was gonna start screaming and crying again, but when the song began playing I just started smiling. Sure, the pain was there and so where the tears after a few minutes. But I smiled, I actually smiled. I suddenly pictured him sitting there in front of me singing. Somehow it felt like he actually WAS there. I'd like to think that he was.
And it made me smile. I saw him, and I actually felt him with me, and it HELPED. I may be crazy, but the thought of him being there is so comforting somehow.
Somehow it made me think that the fact that he's no longer here physically makes it possible for him to always be present... spiritually. It's crazy, I know. But it made me smile. Suddenly I could feel a bit closer to him again.
We all have our ways of dealing with stuff, and this is mine. I might be out of my mind, but in that case I just have to keep on being so. Because as I said there's no way I'm living without him.

This doesn't mean that I'm saying that I'm over it all yet. On the contrary, it's all just getting worse by every day that passes. The pain's just growing and God knows how long it will be before I can stop hurting. But this is something good anyway.
Because in all my pain and grief I would really love to be able to listen to his music. I would really want to be able to get into that "Michael-world" and isolate myself when it's all getting so unbearable that I just can't take it.
I need it, especially now, when everything else is going to hell.

I know it all sounds crazy, but anything that's got something to do with Michael that brings me even the faintest glimpse of happiness right now, is something that I'm going to grasp and hold on to for dear life. Because I can't live without him, I really can't. And I don't want to either.

Now that's my way of dealing with things. I would very much like to hear about y'alls.
Click to expand...

That's not crazy at all...that's how everyone should think. I don't feel as if I've lost him at all...I understand the grief of the fans, but the way that we know Michael was always through his music, dance, and videos/short-films. And even his writings/books, etc...and all of those things are still here! We have that, and we will always have that. That's why I don't see him as being "dead" at all. His spirit lives.

Now on the other hand, think about the people who were around him and knew him in terms of his personality every day, and the people who grew up with him (his brothers, sisters, family, friends, etc)...they knew Michael not only through his music, but through personal interaction with him. They've lost a different Michael than we have lost, if you can get what I'm saying. They've lost their little brother, their best friend, their son, etc...

But the things that we know Michal through...his music, dance, videos, etc...are still here and will always be here. So we always have him.
 
I want so much to change my life now, do all the things I feared, I delayed, I thought I have no money/time/opportunity to do. I will live my life for 2 of us and moooore. I feel this special aura came over me and I know it's Michael's because that was exactly how I felt whenever I saw him. I feel more inspired than ever and yhis is my biggest challenge and test of how he ingraved his goodness and all else in me. That is how I deal with it. I am going to be better than ever, I will change my job to the one which is really really useful and live my life to the full. I will always hurt and am not saying goodbye.
 
Tinkerbell78 said:
I want so much to change my life now, do all the things I feared, I delayed, I thought I have no money/time/opportunity to do. I will live my life for 2 of us and moooore. I feel this special aura came over me and I know it's Michael's because that was exactly how I felt whenever I saw him. I feel more inspired than ever and yhis is my biggest challenge and test of how he ingraved his goodness and all else in me. That is how I deal with it. I am going to be better than ever, I will change my job to the one which is really really useful and live my life to the full. I will always hurt and am not saying goodbye.
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Omg that's so wonderful! And so will I. If there's anything Michael's death has taught me is that you can't take anything for granted. He wasn't supposed to die! He just wasn't, nobody expected it. Everybody expected him to live on for... so long. I COUNTED on it. But this made me realize that nothing is certain. You just gotta do the best you can with the time you have left.
I really believe Michael did, and so will I.
 
WeAreTheWorld said:
Somehow it made me think that the fact that he's no longer here physically makes it possible for him to always be present... spiritually. It's crazy, I know. But it made me smile. Suddenly I could feel a bit closer to him again.
We all have our ways of dealing with stuff, and this is mine..
Click to expand...
that is exactly how i started to feel yesterday:)
 
I am just so tired of being around my family members who keep telling me to get over it......my grandmother just told me that I would look back when I was older and think "how stupid I was." And I burst into tears......I just can't take it anymore. People may think that it is imposible to love someone that they have never met, but God I love him. I am so in love with him and will miss him every single day. I don't think I should have to get over it, I need to cry....I just wish my family could understand that. I'm moving out in the next few months and it can't come fast enough. I just want to crawl up into a ball and sob.....
 
But as Michael said, the creator may be gone, but listen his music, his soul was binded to his music.

He will live forever.
 
Green_Bean said:
I am just so tired of being around my family members who keep telling me to get over it......my grandmother just told me that I would look back when I was older and think "how stupid I was." And I burst into tears......I just can't take it anymore. People may think that it is imposible to love someone that they have never met, but God I love him. I am so in love with him and will miss him every single day. I don't think I should have to get over it, I need to cry....I just wish my family could understand that. I'm moving out in the next few months and it can't come fast enough. I just want to crawl up into a ball and sob.....
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It's too bad that they can't understand. I really feel for you, I don't know what I would have done if my family wasn't this supportive. it's bad enough that my dad is commenting all the time, but it isn't on purpose. He's like "Oh, did your friends talk a lot about his death?" or "Do you wanna sit and read some magazines with us?"

NO I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE. But I guess he just means well. I love him too. More than anything. I never thougt something could hurt this much, and the pain is somehow growing everyday. I wont get over it for a very long time. I hate it. I really hope you can find comfort here or something. I know I have.
 
When I had the worse news (Michael is dead) I got really sad... crying too much... but I capt this thought on my mind: one day, when my time comes too (and I'ts not for now ok!!!) I will finaly meet Michael... and hug Michael. He is safe right now, he is with god and no one can hurt him anymore!
I really loved to read what has been your last feelings and impretions! If Michael is now all the time with you, he can be with me too (in fact, i've always felt him as a close friend). And he can be now with all of us!
"Just call my name, and I'll be there!"
 
I wish i could hold michael and try to take the emotional pain he felt away :(
 
Wearetheworld thanks so much for sharing that. Yes I too despite the initial, and subsequent feelings of dread & horror, i do feel michaels spirit a lot closer to me than i did before. i am filled with the most beautiful and the most awful emotions all at once. pretty horrid really, but i know the awful ones are of grief & they'll fade with time.

Green Bean - try to not take it personally what they are saying to you. they just don't understand your connection with michael cos they don't share it. try not to bother sharing with them stuff they can't understand, if they really can't. please remember we are all here for you and we understand :yes:


8701girl said:
I wish i could hold michael and try to take the emotional pain he felt away :(
Click to expand...

i truly believe that the moment he arrived where he is now, he was released of all that. that is one thing to be thankful for in all this. and I think he is very touched to see our love for him, but that he wants us to eventually shed our own emotional pain. when we can.
 
violet said:
Wearetheworld thanks so much for sharing that. Yes I too despite the initial, and subsequent feelings of dread & horror, i do feel michaels spirit a lot closer to me than i did before. i am filled with the most beautiful and the most awful emotions all at once. pretty horrid really, but i know the awful ones are of grief & they'll fade with time.
Click to expand...

Yeah I really hope you're right. The question is how long does it take until you learn to accept and deal with it? Right now that time feels so far away. Too far away. Like... nowhere.
 
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