How do I get out of this black hole of grief?!

[ForeverKOP]

I've been trying to figure out what triggered this, and I think I know why this is happening. Here it goes...

I've been a member of the MJ/LMP forum for a while and around Dec 27-28, I decided to check out MJ's forums because I hadn't been there in a while (i went to the forums completely fine). While I was there, I found some really depressing threads such as this one:

-- http://mjfanclub.net/mjforum373/showthread.php?t=25070 -- where it basically said where are people going? Why aren't there still people on the site, are people forgetting michael already? What's the future for MJ forums? I think one of the replies on there got my mind going,

Originally Posted by LoveUMichael View Post
Hello everyone! I'm still here. I come on and read every day - haven't posted much but I am always on, keeping up with everything. I love Michael/LMP so if there are any threads on that, I make sure to pop in and read. I also spend time on the Michael/LMP forum which I enjoy. I think things have calmed down as the months have gone on and the news has been somewhat quiet (thank God) so that's probably why there's not quite as much activity on here but also, the holidays are so busy for everyone and I am sure many just don't have the time to post that much. I know that's been the case with me - between work, an ill father, and both of my kids back from college on break - it's a lot of distraction. Perhaps things will pick up after New Year's and I am sure that the minute things get going with Murray, there will be lots to talk about. That being said, my heart breaks every day when I think that Michael is gone. I still can't believe it, still haven't truly accepted it. I listen to his music every day in my car and to me that helps me to forget for a few minutes that he is no longer with us. It's impossible for me to hear his angelic voice in "Heal the World" and not cry. That song spoke volumes about why he was here. What a beautiful, beautiful soul. Six months later, the pain is still there...the wounds still fresh for me. But we go on and so we have to try to do what helps us feel better. I look forward to receiving my TII DVD which I had pre-ordered. I even bought a photo ornament for my tree and put a picture of him in it - and it's a photo of him from TII because I loved how he looked so much in his later years. He was such a beautiful man - inside and out. See? Even typing the word "was" was difficult for me right now. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of him and that my heart doesn't ache for all that he went through. I think of his children who no longer have their wonderful daddy with them. And I thank God for his mother and for the rest of his family who surround them now, with love. I have been watching the Jackson's show on A&E and I really like it. At first, I thought it would hurt too much to see reminders of him but you know, I always loved the Jacksons. I grew up with the J5 and although Michael was the biggest star there could ever be, it must not have been easy to be any of his brothers who had to be in his shadow. I always loved the family and my heart goes out to all of them. I've been enjoying the show and it is actually comforting to me because I see Michael in all of them - in their looks, their mannerisms, everything. When I hear Jermaine's soft voice, oh how it reminds me of Michael. I always liked Jermaine and I see that gentleness in him that I loved so much in Michael. I think they are all very loving and gentle people. So, I'll be watching it and supporting his brothers and the rest of his family as they help raise Michael's beautiful children. I also want to mention that I watched the video of the fans who went to Forest Lawn with the Christmas tree and the lovely items. I tear up when I see it because I can't believe he is there...that that beautiful voice is silent...and those limbs are forever stilled...but I am grateful and thankful for the wonderful fans who went there and did this. I feel like they did it for all of us who live too far away and can not get there. So I thank them. What special people they are. Anyway, I am still here. I hope to post more soon. The love I have for Michael will always keep me coming back and it is nice to be somewhere with such kind and giving people like I have found here in this forum. Michael has such special fans and so many of us have connected here since his passing. I consider this yet another gift that Michael has given us.

And of course, I just had to ask for the video that made her tear up, then I came across 3 of them like this. *Watch at your own risk*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5bAfNR4ZPo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w7FBcKVaPJw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKUq77EEhyM

Before this I also watched the Travis Payne interview with Raffles, which again reminded me what a great guy Michael was, and how he was planning so many things.

And finally NEW YEARS.
I came across threads like this...

"As 2009 draws to a close...why do i feel bad?"
http://mjfanclub.net/mjforum373/showthread.php?t=25479

"New year without Michael? (please read)"
http://mjfanclub.net/mjforum373/showthread.php?t=25502

These type of things made me feel like if we were leaving 2009, we were leaving michael. 2009 was basically DOMINATED by MJ. Going past 2009 and onto 2010 is inevitable, as I can not change time, but somehow it made me feel like we would start to forget him this year.

Then I finally came back to MJJC after an absense and found similar threads...

"Is anyone else finding it hard"
http://www.mjjcommunity.com/forum/showthread.php?t=84669

"Does anybody cry every single day??"
http://www.mjjcommunity.com/forum/showthread.php?t=84402

"2009 Year in Review: Fallen idol"
http://www.mjjcommunity.com/forum/showthread.php?t=84767

I also saw some footage of the 2005 trial which reminded me how much pain he went through, which made my pain go even deeper. I think if michael was loved more when he was alive, and that he didn't have to go through all that ish, his passing would be much much easier to cope with.

Edit: I also saw TII again on Jan 3, which reminded me of everything all over again. How he could have done the shows and all that...

woooooooooooh...didn't mean for it to be that long...sorry guys. =/

 

[souldreamer7]

Like many others have said..it's normal...just because you've not met or 'knew' him in person dosen't mean you don't care. music is powerful...and michael is such a symbol of love & hope it is understandable how anyone could feel saddness...his passing stopped the whole world still.. it's good that you are understanding what triggered your sudden saddness...it's true we all mourn differently. michael will always be in your heart. i hope that your feeling better.

 

[cyberjackson]

Just cry. Mourn. Learn more about who he was. I have loved Michael since I was a baby pretty much. He is in my mind every day when I awake..and just before I go to sleep. Notice I haven't changed my mood sign since that dreadful June 25th. I try to smile and laugh..but deep down I feel like a cold, empty shell. I know he is in a better place right now and he can still see all of us. You can speak to him and he'll hear you. That is something that comforts me at least. He was "laid to rest" on the morning of my birthday... . His death has hit people where it hurts. It has shocked the world. I felt that planet literally stopped rotating and time stood still. The light went away from the world. That's how I feel, and just wanted to share it with you... so when people ask you, "why do you cry?" You don't have to reply. It's ok to be sad and heartbroken, it's normal. A ton of us are in the same boat as you. Just be a good person, and be giving, and loving. It's what Michael would have wanted. Remember.. he can hear you.:better:

You should check out the "psychics channel Michael thread". Fans share experiences and dreams that are interesting to read and comforting. It helped me. It may not be what most people believe, but it's cool to check out.:angel:

 

[swirly]

I think it is absolutely amazing (in a weird way) that so many people have come out of the wood work AFTER his death and realised that it has impacted them more than they could ever have imagined.

It just simply means that Michael was a part of ALL of our lives in one way or another, but sometimes you just take for granted what you think will always be there.

Mourning is perfectable acceptable, and it's different for everyone. It is unusual for you to feel such sadness when you weren't close to him or didn't seem to have any connection with him in the first place, but I would advise you to just relax, to accept slowly that he HAS gone, but that you can still love him endlessly, and still support him through protecting his legacy and enjoying all the beautiful work that he created for us.

If over the next few months you still feel severely depressed, only then would I suggest you get some professional help :flowers:

 

[ForeverKOP]

I think it is absolutely amazing (in a weird way) that so many people have come out of the wood work AFTER his death and realised that it has impacted them more than they could ever have imagined.

It just simply means that Michael was a part of ALL of our lives in one way or another, but sometimes you just take for granted what you think will always be there.

Mourning is perfectable acceptable, and it's different for everyone. It is unusual for you to feel such sadness when you weren't close to him or didn't seem to have any connection with him in the first place, but I would advise you to just relax, to accept slowly that he HAS gone, but that you can still love him endlessly, and still support him through protecting his legacy and enjoying all the beautiful work that he created for us.

If over the next few months you still feel severely depressed, only then would I suggest you get some professional help :flowers:

I was told exactly the opposite a few posts ago...

I was born in the 90's, and by the time I was old enough to talk and understand what MJ was about, he was labeled as a "child mol.este.r" "j.a.cko" and all the other horrible things they said about him. I never really bothered to look him up when he was alive because by what everyone was saying he was a "bad guy". When he died, all the attention he got made me curious...who was this guy? So then I began my journey as an MJ fan. I began to discover how amazing he really was, and how the media perception of him was totally TOTALLY off. I was doing all this while everyone was mourning. I was discovering the man. Those months for me almost felt like he was still here because I was learning something new everyday, and we would get news updates every morning. Now, when I get what MJ was all about, I'm beginning to mourn him. ='(....

 

[souldreamer7]

I was told exactly the opposite a few posts ago...

I was born in the 90's, and by the time I was old enough to talk and understand what MJ was about, he was labeled as a "child mol.este.r" "j.a.cko" and all the other horrible things they said about him. I never really bothered to look him up when he was alive because by what everyone was saying he was a "bad guy". When he died, all the attention he got made me curious...who was this guy? So then I began my journey as an MJ fan. I began to discover how amazing he really was, and how the media perception of him was totally TOTALLY off. I was doing all this while everyone was mourning. I was discovering the man. Those months for me almost felt like he was still here because I was learning something new everyday, and we would get news updates every morning. Now, when I get what MJ was all about, I'm beginning to mourn him. ='(....

Any advice on getting past the mourning?

I'm beginning to think I have a problem. Since New Years for some reason, I went into HEAVY, HEAVY depression mode. I had felt nothing like this in the past 6 months, it's as if a storm just came and hit me in the face real hard. I felt this emptiness and just couldn't stop crying. I think the video of the fans taking the Christmas tree to forest lawn helped trigger this out pour of grief, as well as other things I read and heard. I have no idea why this is happening to me, and it’s beginning to bother me a lot. I'm trying to stay away from Michael related things right now, but it's not working. ='(. I don't understand why I can't let go. People keep telling me, you never knew the guy, why are you still crying over him 6 months later. I HAVE NO IDEA why he's constantly on my mind. When I woke up on New Years Eve, I felt this unbearable pain of emptiness. Just pure emptiness. June 25th ruined my life, I wish it never happened. I'm honestly finding it really tough to get over. From August to October, and some of November, it was all excitement because of This Is It, but now when everything is quieting down, I'm back to square one. While watching the Jackson Family reality show, I couldn't help noticing how content they were in episodes 2 & 3, as if nothing had happened and they were moving on with their lives already. It's a heartless question to ask....but were they even mourning?

It’s like I'm stuck in a black hole of grief. I wasn't even an MJ fan before June 25th and yet this has hit me so hard!!

I know a lot of people are over the actual “death” and have moved on to enjoy MJ the musician and the human. TBH, I hadn’t mourned AT ALL since June 25th for some reason, I could watch and listen to MJ without being sad. The memorial moved me a little bit, a few tears here and there, but nothing to the extent of what I’m feeling now. My question is, is this even normal?! Emotions hitting you SO HARD 6 months later??

Are there others feeling as helpless as me? Any advice?

My advice is just grieve. It is a normal process. It dosen't matter if you were a 'fan' before or after. what matters is that you understood what Michael Jackson was about. To me it seems that you 'got it' or you wouldn't be so heart broken. Sometimes we all grieve in different stages. Myself for example - I grieve what I call 'Late' or 'Backwards' at times. I've lost 3 close family members so I know death. Sometimes it takes awhile for it to hit you...because you are in shock. You may not cry for many months. You think to yourself.. that something is wrong with you because everyone around you has cried very much right away.. and by the time you cry others seem to be moving onto a different stage. It's normal. It's a healthy process - so along as the process keeps moving into stages till it is complete..although the pain dosn't ever go away,but the constant cry and emptiness does. Soon you will heal. It just takes time...go with your own emotions and do things to help you get through it. After awhile and you feel that this has not let up,that's when it is not as healthy and you would need professional assistance,like a counselor to find out the root of the problem. So far it sounds to me that nothing like the latter is wrong. I hope that helps you somewhat. --It Is fine that it has hit you now and not at all... like I said if it dosen't ease up that's when you should talk to someone.

Xonedon,
Yes, sometimes the mourning process isn't regular.. but it becomes pathological when it's not done at all or when it takes more than 2 years to end... so.. you are doing it, so it's ok. What is not regular is that suddenly a person's death hits you when before that person had no significance to you... as a specialist and as MJ fan friend, i advice you to seek for a psychologist (it is a very good thing when we care for ourselves and decide to invest in our well being and development as persons)... i think now your grief can be dislocated... and transfered to this situation and MJ thougts that you identify with...there is something in Michael's personality that makes you feel for him... and i think the roots can be more deeper and hidden than you think...please take care of yourself... emptyness is when we have nothing to colour our life with... you need to find someone that realy helps you find some colours for your life... :girl_pride:ride_flag:
"The meaning that fullfils the emptiness of a hole can only be found within the realtionship with others." (Sweet)
Hugs and L.O.V.E.
Sweet

that's not abnormal..because obviously they have significance with him or they wouldn't be upset.

I think that what what was bothering me the most, worrying if I wasn't "normal" anymore or not. I thought letting it all out, crying and actually going through the process would further project me into this dark hole. I thought it would make me feel even worse. But I guess I should let it all out, maybe that's the only way to get through this? Like stated above, the timing of my grief got me worried also. When everyone was going through the "crying" stage, I was perfectly fine...now when everyone is over that stage, I have hit the "crying" process. I guess I'm grieving backwards??



That post also caught me off guard, should I not be mourning for a celebrity I never met or known?

Like many others have said..it's normal...just because you've not met or 'knew' him in person dosen't mean you don't care. music is powerful...and michael is such a symbol of love & hope it is understandable how anyone could feel saddness...his passing stopped the whole world still.. it's good that you are understanding what triggered your sudden saddness...it's true we all mourn differently. michael will always be in your heart. i hope that your feeling better.