LOL@ S' quite special form. Funny girl, as always.
Remember that guy i was tellin' you gals about long ago??? Well, so many months later, same as in the years before we are still at it, fighting day by day for our love and our lives. And let me tell you – it can get really, really ugly. Inside of us, between us, all around us.....it is truly frightening at times.
He can be petty just as much as the next Dan, he can be obnoxious, mean-spirited, cruel beyond belief, vengeful, he can panic easily and retaliate in haste without having complete information; he can also be very controling, needin' complete access, but not ready to share not even bits of knowledge, but rather withhold it; he likes to create confusion and messes around with people's minds and emotions. He can be these a few other bad things as well.
But all of that is alright with me because i like to think i have been designed and equipped from the get go with the right tools to respond to most of that. The weapons of choice in my a
rsena
l are: the sense of humor which is almost a saving grace because it allows me not to take terribly 2 seriously my circumstances or him (although i can exagerate with his dismissal at times), my ability to tease, my hawk-like vision, mostly of spiritual nature, which makes me see through darkness, smoke and mirrors and even through clouds risen from bull and crap and my communication skills which are way above average.
Leaving 'modesty' aside, i like to think i am well versed when it comes to languages. I speak and understand a few of 'em; heck, at times i think i know English better than my mother tongue. I think, pray and cuss in a bunch of them. But above that, the best language i can speak is that of tears. And when i'm not involved in any of that 'communication' i let the rest of my body (driven by my over active mind and my pulsating soul) to do the talkin' and boy can it talk soooo dirrty at times
The ability to take things in stride and solve just about any issue (from the silly to the practical) with whatever means at my disposal also helps out a lot. Patience is a most reluctant ally of mine.
Not to say i ain't got my own lithany of bad traits. But this is not about me, but rather about him. If them awful things that i mentioned before were the only or the major components of his character i would have left long ago. I may be a lot of things, a masochist being one of them, and also a fool (or playing one rather), but stupid is not one of those. I may be innocent (in more ways than i would like lol), but naïve i ain't.
He truly and absolutely can be a wonderful human being, a sensitive soul, a helluva funny guy and a brilliant mind, but for whatever reasons he deliberately chose to share an extremely small portion of those with me. I don't know what kind of people he's had in his life before he met me, but
i never envisioned any perfect human being.
I didn't and i don't expect perfection. That is an attribute of God.
It seems to me this guy of mine went out of his way, bent almost, to prove to me how mean he can be so i would actually understand the depth of his humanity. It actually does take a lot of courage to share with someone the worst sides of one's soul.
I do long for the time when he will deem it necessary and appropriate to share the best of him with me as well. I pray i have already seen him at his worst (even though i am not holding my breath on that one), and
i live for the times and ways when he will bring out the best of him in front of and for me.
One of the things that bugs me off the most about all of this is that he's not pursuing this part of his mission with the same seriousness and dedication that he does with all other aspects of his life, or at least apparently. He could very well be occupied with great many lovely things that he's got in store for me (and i've got some inkling about that), but what he fails to realize is that what i expect are far less 'important' things and certainly not perfection – perfect people, perfect circumstances, perfect moments. If we're gonna consume, instead of consumate, all our relationship in the pursuit of some elusive 'perfect' moment and place, we might never reach those and that is one option that i am not willing to entertain.
This may not be the main component of his life (unlike for me), but i do wish he would strive and do a better job than he has done in the past, more or less recent. IF through some cosmically providential 'mistake' part of his purpose here on earth is for him to make me happy and fulfilled then he needs to take that job seriously and consider its full dimensions, not only the parts he is comfortable with and those he likes to see when it is convenient for him. There is this song which goes '
be patient my child, cause i was born to make you whole'. It's funny but it speaks to me, it shouts almost. I'm trying to be as patient as possible, but in spite of certain suspicions and similarities to alien creatures i are human and i have my limits.
Unlike the lyrics of that song though i am well aware this is not the first and foremost reason for which he was born. There could very well be much more important roles for him to play, but
I CANNOT and I WILL NOT allow him to relegate me at the end of his list of priorities forever.
My dignity as a child of God and as a woman, as well as my love for him prevent me from doing that. This portion of the battle is as much for me – to assert my rightful role, as it is for him - to help him fulfill this part of his mission from Him.
In the immortal words of my girl, Beyonce –
the time needs to come (and relatively soon i hope/pray/need) when
he will indeed put MY love on top. I know that it can't and i don't expect it to remain there, but every now and then i need to feel a bit more special and important to him than some lil' idiot who is only useful to put on shows that he tunes in to.
Just the other day i got into a horrible argument with my folks, occasions on which mom feared that dad would have a heart attack. I simply couldn't answer most of their questions. It is at times like these when i really must wonder if i am not putting myself and those around me through hell for nothing. Thankfully, all that talk with my parents got us into a better place among the three of us, but still it was scary.
When i also realize the impact all of this is heaving over my soul, the strain and the danger for my immortality that is represented by my now forced distance from the confessional (because i believe i am finally ready to enter one if it weren't for certain constrains) i get even more weary.
BUT, in spite of all of this and more i press on. Earlier today i was having a conversation with some neighbours of mine and they were asking, like great many other people in my life (from family to friends and colleagues) –
when will we see you walk down that road (the narrow path that leads to my house)
in two? And i told them that i don't know, but i sure wished the time would come when i would no longer walk the streets of this world and of life alone.
In spite of the silly games he likes to play and beyond the so-called unfaithfulness that he likes to rub in my face, i know he's been true, but like the elephant he is, he's too proud to admit he has been brought to his knees by this tiny lil' ant. Leaving all fake arse modesty aside – he would be hard pressed to find anyone else who says, does, moves, cries and prays the way i do and is such a worthy cause on top of it all lol. More than once my words and my actions have left him speechless as he told me so himself.
One thing is for sure – i would much rather be a commoner's wife than one other mistress in a sultan's harem. But, like i said, there is NO harem. The sad part would be if there wasn't any sultan either lol. Seriously though, if he is not capable, willing, or ready to provide the kind of structure and relationship that i need then he needs to step back and let another man try and do those things for me.
This is what i have in mind
If it doesn't mirror his beliefs and wishes then we really have a problem. But i happen to believe that such a vision is concurrent with his. The time must come though when we put that vision into practice.
He promised me i would see him kneel before me and he also promised a lifetime of smiles, but the truth is that most of what he brought into my life till now have been sorrow and tears. I am still willing to believe in those words and other promises he made, but once i reach a certain point i will no longer be able to offer any more guarantees.
He needs to live up to nobody else's words and expectations but his own.
As of now,
the race is on for all three of my hearts. He has been in the two upper ones since forever almost, but he needs to claim all of them in the time he mentioned or someone else will gain ownership rights over things and people he neglected for far too long already. And even though he might always hold a very special place in the central one, the other two hearts will definitely go to someone else in that case.
And btw of expectations – he also raised the bar quite high from a certain point of view. I hope he can rise up to the occasion as well as likes to brag around. He betta, cause that's another huge problem we might encounter and it could prove to be insurmontable and insuperable all into one.
As crazy as it sounds, i believe my calling in this life is to make an excellent husband out of him. Even if it's the last thing that i do, i will succeed. Don't wanna swear cause that's a sin (i don't swear, but i can cuss the ish outta people and situations, i'm 'funny', i know), but i must succeed. His track record is mixed at best and there were even times when he made it seem mission impossible for me, but with His help i will make it.
It's gonna take some time, quite some effort on my part
, but i got the feelin' we are headed in the right direction. He is, after all, my little precious stone (cause diamonds are off limits round here) that needs a bit of refining here and there round the not so smooth edges, but the core is beautiful and brilliant.
By the time i'm through with him not only will he be beggin' me for more (not just in the sense Janet meant it), but he will also thank me for it. I may also have some other missions of my own, but they will be in subsidiary, he must and he will come first – not only because that's the godly order of things for a woman, but also because he needs it so badly.
We are still far from that point though. We still need to go to school – me in the benches kinda school and he needs to have some really long and ardous lessons at LOVE SCHOOL. I already have in mind quite a few teachers (both female and male) who could give him useful tips. Here is some of the reading material that he will be going through
And once he is done with those he can actually earn his degree
It can be terribly difficult and i have no illusions that it won't continue to be tough (in the future the problems will be of a different nature, i know), but i really hope and wish we will
WIN DA FIGHT.It may sound strange but that's what i am asking for –
a different set of problems. I'm not foolish enough to believe i and we won't have trouble ahead of us, but i simply want to face other kinds of obstacles than the ones i've been dealing with for decades, the major one being solitude.
I'll give it my best shot
I'll put in it all that i got,
Won't try to be what i am not
And if my best ain't good enough,
Guess i'll be left out in the rough
But with His guidance as my cloth
I'll always get on by
And no matter what, i will survive.
But if it were up to me,
We'd be in 2 to cross that sea
We'd face together any tide
Take everything that comes in stride
And for His glory....win da fight.
(c) Shabby 201
2
[video=youtube;rsUIl7qVzYw]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rsUIl7qVzYw&ob=av2e [/video]
HIS will be done.
AMEN
