I will have to scout around for that one as well--do you mind telling us where you found it?
Well, my reading list has been modified. Gomenasai, Herr Freud. I'm currently reading a topic which is of fascination to me.
Although technically a self-help book, the work does contain a lot of actual information and hardly any Dr. Phil brand hogwash. What drives the desire for another to such extremes so as to turn seemingly average (and even successful) individuals into harassers, stalkers, even violent creatures--all to salvage the attachment to one person?
To the layperson, "love" may seem to be the force responsible for all this chaos. Clearly, the obsessor "loves" so much that he cannot contain himself for his feelings towards his beloved, that he must, at all costs, win him/her over or else perish in the effort for the sake of romance. This is, of course, an erroneous misconception both obsessors and the unqualified people who observe them have. Obsessive "love" has little to do with the reproduction-encouraging chemical reaction we deem "love," and more to do with an effort on the obsessor's behalf to heal a damaged bond with a physically or emotionally unavailable parent.
Yes, it seems odd that the obsessor would project his childhood aspirations unto a complete stranger, but this is
exactly what happens on a subconscious level. We are the sort of animal who picks up behaviour from the example set forth by others--we are social animals, and the first "social" group we are ever a part of is undoubtedly one's family--specifically, one in direct connection with mother and father. We pick up our attitudes towards men and women, and towards human attachments on the reproductive scale, by observing the interactions between our parents, and between them and ourselves.
On a "romantic" sense--we pick up how men and women act by watching our parents in the grand stage of childhood family life. This is not equivalent to Freud's Oedipus/Electra complexes--as these do not involve sexual fantasies of mother/father--they are instead role models in what to look for
outside of that relationship, as the ultimate goal of parenthood is eventual separation from the parents and independence in the outer world. An example of this may be, say, a woman whose father was physically or emotionally absent from her life may obsess over a man who is also physically or emotionally aloof in regards to her--or else, she may
fear this occurring as childhood memories of her father's abandonment flood her unconscious, prompting her to preemptively take measures against a perceived abandonment on her lover's part (despite no evidence existing of his intentions to do this). In turn, her smothering hold on him prompts him to alienate himself from her--so that her fear becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, this time due to
her own actions instead of circumstances outside her control.
Similarly, we pick up our idea of how human relationships should be from our parents as well, as we try to recreate the bond we once had with our mother inside the womb and in our newborn years--the height of our human happiness at its most simplistic level. If, during childhood, our relationship with either mother or father is strained--if they are physically/emotionally/verbally abusive or negligent, we seek to fill the void with a fulfilling relationship elsewhere--the problem is, we have no idea what this healthy relationship is supposed to look like, knowing nothing but neglect, abandonment, and fear--we become overzealous in our attempts to preserve whatever extraneous relationship it is we have, and it becomes like water slipping from a thirsty man's hands--despite our efforts,nay,
because of them, it slips all the same, reopening the childhood wounds we suffered as children--but as adults, powerful beings with abilities to do more than just keep mum and weep silently to ourselves in a corner, we can
try to save this projected attachment through pursuit--and in the valiant effort to rekindle a dead relationship using pursuit/power tactics, we become different beings--obsessive driver-bys, callers, stalkers, etc. It is because of the strength of the need for that healthy attachment deviated in childhood that obsessive lovers do the things they do, and go to the extreme measures they go.
Other factors which can shape someone to become an obsessor:
-Genetic predisposition (personality traits)
-Chemical imbalance in the brain (mood disorders)
-relationships with siblings
-relationships with childhood "peers"
-youthful romantic experiences (or lack thereof)
Genetic predisposition towards a certain sort of personality and chemical imbalances in the brain which can cause mood disorders (i.e. depression) obviously set an important foundation for what can later become an obsessive personality. However, they are not the sole factors, outside of a failed connection with one's parent figures, which can trigger this sort of thing. Failing the relationship with one's parents, if the relationship with siblings is also one which is unhealthy, the need for suitable human attachment is intensified and the deviance from achieving it in a fulfilling manner is further expanded. This same concept applies to relationships with other children--their rejection further "validates" the pre-obsessor's already existing feelings of being unwanted, unloved, abandoned, unlovable, etc. Similarly, stormy romantic relationships (or attempts at them), especially in the formative adolescent years, which either mirror those witnessed among parental units during childhood, or else become deviant on their own either through joint fault or over the obsessor's desire to fulfill his needs, add more to the already filled-to-the-brim feelings of rejection, etc. so that the self becomes desperate to make a suitable connection, and understandably so--as it equates "romantic" love with the sort of attachment missed during childhood years, and the finding of said attachment becomes a matter of survival of the self.
Overall, it has been a fascinating read. I'm not yet entirely finished with it. It does shed much-needed light on a little-understood psychological problem. I greatly recommend this book. I got it yesterday afternoon, and I stayed up reading it for hours.