Hope you feel better L.J!
I have been feling very down lately, its hard to explain why and what exactly is the matter. Its a long story. And it has nothing to do with anyone on this board. I just felt like saying something about it here, to get it out of my mind and try to express it in words. Maybe it helps?
I have gone through a lot in this life so far. As has a lot of people, and I feel my story is just one of many, when it comes to what life can give you both as a beginning in life in regards to parents and where you are born etc..and what it gives you as challenges later.
I can see that part of my life have been better/ part has been worse then what people usualy has to handle.
Still, I have always been able to go from being knocked down, to get up and start living again. Its just that some times, like now- I just get so tired of fighting to keep myself up and going. Tired of fighting to keep my faith in people, and trying to trust even though I have had so many bad experiences. Tired of trying to be nice, trying to open up, trying to have faith, and look at the positive aspects of life.
It feels like my soul is tired, its different from being depressed or just sad.
I look at what I have been doing for the past two years, and realice I have changed more then I have wanted to admit, due to some very rough years before that. I was betrayed, and in a very unusual and horrible way.
The change is that even when I do my best to try to have faith, and to dare to open up to people, I hold my guard up, I am more reserved then I used to be. I keep a part of myself completely locked up. And it makes me feel alone. Even if I objectively know I have all the possebilities in this world to not be alone. I am playing it safe. And it hurts me in the long run, I know. I just don`t know the way out of it.
If i could describe it as a picture, i feel like the Frida Kahlo, with a broken column inside her holding her up, and a corset holding her body together.
I just fell extremely vulnerable, and afraid. Still, I know I am strong. And if I am patient, and let my wounds heal, and work on it bit by bit- it will get better. Its just that sometimes, like now, I feel more like giving up, laying down and sleep and escape from the world. I am not saying I want to die, this is not a suicide letter!
I just realice, that with everything that has happened, its not likely that I will heal soon enough to be able to dare to enter in a relationship again while I am still in a age where I can have kids. And that is something that has just hit me, and I feel like I have to redifine what my life will be like. I have never realy thought about it that mutch, but its different when you realice that due to things happening, the choice may actually be out of your hands. And I have to find a purpose in life that makes me feel like its worth the effort.
Thanks to whoever reads this, its not realy something that needs an answear. I just had the need to express what I felt.
