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Why is "I love you" so important when your dating?

LindaC781

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My daughter went out with this guy and after 4 months she dumped him cause he didn't say "I love you". I told her she was only 23 years old, and that this is the time you just date and have a good time. For crying out loud.

I got another question for you young ladies. Since when is it when you start to date someone, you are theirs and they are yours exclusively? Are you planning to marry? No. But God forbid you date other people and vice versa. What is up with that?? Dating is called "dating" cause that is what it is - here's the definition:

http://dating.about.com/b/2007/09/24/the-definition-of-dating.htm
The Definition of Dating

Monday September 24, 2007
A large number of the emails I receive from readers ask me to define what a "date" is. If the guy at work asked me to coffee, is it a date? We hang out almost every day, but haven't kissed yet - are we dating? Does having sex mean we're now a couple, or are we just dating?... and so forth.
A recent discussion in the forums (The Definition of Dating) also debated this same question recently. What on earth is a date? And does the definition of dating differ depending on the circumstances of the two people involved? (i.e. sexual orientation, age, culture)
In my opinion, a date refers to an activity two people share together with the intention of getting to know each other better on a potentially romantic level. This differs greatly from 'hooking up' which usually describes a casual get together between two people that may or may not be sexual in nature. Two people who are "dating" therefore, have shared several dates together and have made it clear to one another they are interested in more than just a friendship - even if so far the exchanges have been purely friendly in nature. Dating is, essentially, getting to know someone over an extended period of time to determine if a relationship is something worth pursuing.
Still, I am curious. I'd love to hear from the readers of this blog what their definition of dating is, and why.


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So, just as soon as you go out with someone, you own them??
 
Honestly, I think "I love you" is totally meaningless if you don't show it.


My boyfriend says I love you to me all the time and I know he means it but sometimes I don't say it back and he wonders why. Most of the time I respond with a kiss, a very tight hug, or a stroke to his face instead. I think that's more "loving" than just simply saying, "I love you." Anybody can say it but not everybody can show it.

As for "dating" I think everybody's definition is different. To me, when you become "more than friends" with somebody then you're dating them. Then once you get passed a certain point, say 5-6 months (half a year) of dating, then it's kind of "official" or "exclusive."
I used to date a guy for 3 months. We were nothing more than that. We didn't really have a "breakup" either we kind of just agreed not to go out anymore. I've been with my current boyfriend for over 6 months and we have a serious relationship. Not just "dating."

I hope this makes sense.
 
LindaC781 said:
My daughter went out with this guy and after 4 months she dumped him cause he didn't say "I love you". I told her she was only 23 years old, and that this is the time you just date and have a good time. For crying out loud.
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Um, I disagree. Evidently she does too.
 
Giant Enemy Cat said:
Um, I disagree. Evidently she does too.
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Yeah, but there is some unwritten rule according to some women - after the first DATE you're owned by them and you own the person you date. That you can't date others...this is after just one date!!

I can see where my daughter is coming from - but I think she was too serious from the get-go. Maybe that turned him off?

I just think that if your dating, that's what it is. Dating. Not engagement. Not going steady. If you happen to date for quite a while, it turns into a steady thing...Now, after 4 months, yeah the person probably should get a little more serious with you...but not after the first date for crying out loud. That's what it's like here in the United States.
 
with both of my relationships the guy said it way too soon (within a week), I don't even think most guys know what it means they don't know the difference between love and lust and excitement.
 
I think its important but showing it is just as important as saying it, anyone can say "I love you" and that's if they truly mean it. My ex boyfriends have said I love you and showed it with a hug or a kiss but I've had boyfriends that say I love you hoping they'd get in your pants which was a turn off and was dumped :mellow:
 
Its like trying to figure out when you stop "casually" dating and "seriously" date. How do you know when you got to that stage? In my day (lol - now I'm sounding like Grandpa Rugrat), "going steady" meant you got a ring or a pin, and then you were exclusive. But now? How do you know? Can you date around while dating one person until you decide you want to be with that one person exclusively??
 
Oh gosh. Haha. Well...let's see.

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 8 months, and just recently started saying "I Love You." But, we also have been together on and off for years since I was 16 (I am 21 now) and he was 17 (he is 23 now). We are also moving in together in August, which is just the natural next step in our relationship. We have gone through the dating, the break ups, the dating other people, coming back together, hating each other, gone on vacations together haha...basically we've done it all. LOL He lets me have my space to do what I want, go where I want, hang out with who I want to and he knows that I'm not going to do anything to betray his heart or his trust. We are very exclusive.

With my other boyfriends though, it has been different. I wasn't allowed to talk to any other guys, guys werent allowed to talk to me. I had a boyfriend go through my text messages all the time, he wanted to read my emails and my facebook messages because he didn't trust me, and he even went as far as to go through the drawers in my room to make sure I wasn't trying to hide anything from him. He tried to tie me down by saying I love you, and anytime I would disagree with something he said he would pull the 'but if you love me you wouldnt do/say/think that.'

So, in a lot of ways I think that dating has just really evolved, and there are tons of different types of relationships. The one I have with my current boyfriend is more 'normal' I think, than the one I had with my ex who wanted to control my every move. He used I love you as an anchor, where my current boyfriend uses it as the way it should be used.
 
She expected him to fall in love with her after only four months? I don't think she should have broken up with him over that. Would she want him to say, "I love you" if he really didn't mean it?

Anyway, I think it's alright for people to date more than one person at a time, until they actually declare that they are officially boyfriend and girlfriend. Then, they should stop seeing other people.
 
LindaC781 said:
My daughter went out with this guy and after 4 months she dumped him cause he didn't say "I love you". I told her she was only 23 years old, and that this is the time you just date and have a good time. For crying out loud.
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Smart daughter. She needs to follow her heart and if at 23 she has enough backbone to go after what she wants and not settle for less, than that's good.
It makes absolute sense to try to find someone who mirrors certain requirements and is on the same wavelength. Empowerment does not mean you have to date 5 guys at the same time. If 4 months is realistic or not, is another question. Wouldn't be a timeline, more a feeling if it feels "right" or not. Maybe the guy just didn't feel "right".

At 23 I wasn't into super casual funfunfun (anymore) either. At 23 I was one year away of getting married and moving across an ocean to another continent. Is that a generational thing again? I noticed that some younger generations are quite the opposite of 68 again. :cheeky:
 
I was reading a story by Karice on this board called, "Alabama 1960 and the main character Ryan told Tracy, the secondary main character rthat he loved her, and he met her just under an hour ago. That was just psycho of him! :O Tracy, rightfully got scared, and I don't blame her one bit. Who the hell says I love you to someone they haven't known for even one hour?:O
 
I remember I was dating this guy probably less then a Month where he dropped the "I LOVE YOU" on me -- and I didn't know how to respond I was quiet.. We dated for over a year but I think he "loved" me more then I will ever know..
 
You should tell your daughter that you can't expect anyone too fall in love with you within 4 months. That is wayyyyyyy to early.
 
When I was dating boys...I almost..well...never said I love You.I was actually just playing around and didn"t want anything serious. They were falling in love, I was not.
But you know..it is not so true that it is early to fall in love in 4 months...you can fall in love in a minute if the chemistry is right. It did happen to me once, I was crazy about the guy but I didn"t tell him I love him. I do have issues with that word, I admit it. It doesn"t come easy to me, never did.
Yes..guys can be very possesive and they do think they own you sometimes. The girl must set bounderies if she does not want things to be serious.
 
DanceOfZenab1994 said:
You should tell your daughter that you can't expect anyone too fall in love with you within 4 months. That is wayyyyyyy to early.
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I agree.. 4 months is waaay to early.. I don't care if my lover haven't said 'I love you' in the beginning. I have a best friend, and he first said 'I Love You' after we know each other almost 3 years, which I think was better than say it after 4 months...
 
My point of view, which is totally hypotetical, is that you daugter is a very good and serious girl ;)
She probably wants a serious relationship and for her, maybe the way to be sure that the guy is serious too is to get a I love you.

I see young people around me and I'm disturbed on how they just come and go with one and another person, not caring about faithfulness or love, just, be with someone like if it was a new playstation or a new version of a cellphone, hey «i want that one, k got it, hey why not him>...

I find this pretty disturbing like I said, I heard a girl in the bus one day sying ''Yeah my boyfriend is cool, he's cute, fun, faithful.. well, not faithful but anyway, he's cool'..
WHAT!

For me I love you, even if it can easily be a lie, is usually said to tell the person who plan to build something with him or her.
 
Carinemjj said:
My point of view, which is totally hypotetical, is that you daugter is a very good and serious girl ;)
She probably wants a serious relationship and for her, maybe the way to be sure that the guy is serious too is to get a I love you.

I see young people around me and I'm disturbed on how they just come and go with one and another person, not caring about faithfulness or love, just, be with someone like if it was a new playstation or a new version of a cellphone, hey «i want that one, k got it, hey why not him>...

I find this pretty disturbing like I said, I heard a girl in the bus one day sying ''Yeah my boyfriend is cool, he's cute, fun, faithful.. well, not faithful but anyway, he's cool'..
WHAT!

For me I love you, even if it can easily be a lie, is usually said to tell the person who plan to build something with him or her.
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I agree 100%.
 
I have a question and I hope nobody takes it the wrong way. I'm under the impression that it's not acceptable to tell someone "too early" that you do love them- if you happen to actually love someone. (provided there is love and not whatever else).

How do people view MJ's constant talk about love? Of course there's definitely a boatload of different love, romantic love, agape etc.

Are people truly afraid of even uttering that word? I can't help but think that people are still afraid to even say the word love, no matter in what connection. I guess, if love isn't there, there's no point in making up anything- but I'm surprised to about these sort of timelines.
 
Modulation Alert said:
I have a question and I hope nobody takes it the wrong way. I'm under the impression that it's not acceptable to tell someone "too early" that you do love them- if you happen to actually love someone. (provided there is love and not whatever else).

How do people view MJ's constant talk about love? Of course there's definitely a boatload of different love, romantic love, agape etc.

Are people truly afraid of even uttering that word? I can't help but think that people are still afraid to even say the word love, no matter in what connection. I guess, if love isn't there, there's no point in making up anything- but I'm surprised to about these sort of timelines.
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I think they are afraid of uttering the word "love", without being assured they are being loved back. And it could be a fear of commitment from both sides.
 
I'm a hopeless romantic with high morals when it comes to relationships but the way I see it is that it's different for everyone. How can you say four months is too soon or too late to say "I love you" when it all depends on how the person feels? People can fall in love within four months, it is possible. Some people fall in love fast, some don't, so I really don't understand why a lot of you are saying four months is too soon to say it. It can happen anytime. I'll admit people have said it to me in the past within the space of a week and I could tell they didn't mean it, but my partner now who I'm engaged to and have been with for nearly four years said it after about 2-3 months and I didn't think that was too soon.

As for the definition of dating, I think it basically means when two people get together if they are interested in each other in a romantic way and want to spend time on their own together to see if they really do like each other in that way and could see themselves in a relationship. The more dates you have the more you can see if you're compatible with each other and whether a relationship would work. I personally don't think you should date several people at once as that's just cruel and unfair and leads people on because just when they think they're getting somewhere you drop the bombshell that you've been dating other people. I know plenty of people who do this though.
 
MLR930 said:
with both of my relationships the guy said it way too soon (within a week), I don't even think most guys know what it means they don't know the difference between love and lust and excitement.
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You mean saying i love you within a week? Of course thats way too soon. A week....you have barely gotten the time to get to know eachother, pretty normal that they thought it was kinda soon to say I love you already....

I am starting to wonder if you know the difference really, cause that last part is absolutely nonsense. Of course guys know the difference between those.
Not saying all guys do, but i do. and i am prretty sure many more do.
 
Staffordshire Bullterrier said:
I am starting to wonder if you know the difference really, cause that last part is absolutely nonsense. Of course guys know the difference between those.
Not saying all guys do, but i do. and i am prretty sure many more do.
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I most certainly do know the difference and just because you know the difference it doesn't mean that others don't. My first boyfriend proved to me that he didn't love me when he dumped me because I wouldn't dump my best friend for him, he hated her husband that's all and my best friend I've known since high school there's no way I'm going to dump her for some guy I just met a couple weeks ago.
 
To me Dating is basically 2 people who come together because there is some connection, chemistry and spark between them and they would like to explore that further to see where it takes them.....The words "I love you" are very important. Yes actions speak louder. However the words "I love you" seal the deal. Sometimes we need that verbal affirmation as part of a way to convey and express how we feel and make others feel it as well. :)
 
Those three words satisfy an insecure ego. If one needs to be reminded of the love the other supposedly has for him through verbal means on a regular basis, it is clearly not self-evident and thus not "true." Hearing them, however, satisfies an insecure person, who would otherwise have not the flimsiest evidence to support their belief of the other's feelings for them.

Demanded monogamy in an immature relationship occurs for the same reason. The person is too insecure to permit the other to "test the waters" out of fear that he or she will find someone who is much "better" than them. Monogamy should not be expected unless the relationship is established and heading somewhere (a lifelong union). Even then, such a thing is not guaranteed, but it is still appropriate to expect if discussed well enough. Often, the key problem in these things is lack of proper communication. It isn't uncommon that one partner sees a short-term fling, while the other already predicts wedding bells on the horizon. I reckon it's all the romantic propaganda people are bombarded with when they are children (especially girls, I must add) that ruins one's perception of what a relationship is. The way fairy tales and films portray it is too simplistic and idealistic to hold true in the ever-changing ocean of reality.

People have the tendency to assume that their beloved's feelings are the same as theirs, and thus it all ends in heartbreak.
 
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