Here's another blog. I find it therapeutic because I'm able to better deal with my feeling in this way.
So here we are, nearly 3 weeks since Michael Jackson died. I think I went through all of the Kubler-Ross's so called 5 stages of grief.
Denial: "Oh, no, Michael Jackson is not dead. This can't be true. He's only sick. This is just the media doing their usual thing. "
Anger : Why? Why Michael? Out of all the people in this world why does it have to be my hero? Why do all of the riteous people in the wold die too soon, and the bad people get to live on?" those among other feelings, I still have.
Barganing Ok, this is a dream, right? make this be a publicity stunt, or a cruel joke by MJ and I will not say anything bad about him again. ever. Just as long as he is alive and ok"
depression "Michael Jackson is dead and I want to die too. This whole world can come to an end as far as I'm concerned. What world would this be without Michael? Without him, I have no purpose in life"
acceptance He's dead. Lets face it. He's really dead. Gone. Now what? I have to just live my life never seeing a new picture or performance. That was it. "
I've finally arrived at acceptance a few days ago. I went to Gary three times last week to visit Michael's boyhood home and to pay my respects. The first time, I took my friend to see his boyhood home, because she's never been there before. The second trip, I just went to buy a t-shirt that I didn't have the money for the first time. Gary is really a Ish hole city. I've lived on 13th and Sawyer, I've traveled to Detroit, but in all, Gary, Indiana is the most pathetic place I have ever seen. Even worst than North Chicago, or riverdale. The whole city is filled with run-down biuldings and empty lots. Litter everywhere. I guess they have no budget for land and property development, even in their city hall and supposedly downtown shopping districts. It's really a shell of it's former self. The only place that was half-way nice was their baseball stadium. There was a Bennigans too, but you'd never know that with the location it was in. The Steelmills stood there near the lake and still remained an eyesore. I began to understand why Joe wanted to badly move his family out of there, and why the drive was so hard to him to do so.
So at 2300 Jackson st (named only by coincidence when the Jackson Family purchased it in 1949) there was quite a crowd assembled who had my same intentions in mind. One woman came all the way from the Ukraine. Some of the Gary locals were trying to profit from Michael's death by selling t-shirts. DVD's (bootleg, of course) and CD's. Yeah, they were making money from Michael's death like many people are, but I really couldn't be too upset at them. In Gary, Indiana, there were no real shops there, so jobs must be real scarce. People have to make money somehow, and frankly I rather see them selling bootleg MJ stuff that than to be doing things counterproductive to the community. So I did spend money that I really didn't have and buy 2 t-shirts to commemorate my man. They did a very good job with them. I brought one t-shirt that had his birth and death date on it, but there's a lovely picture of him on the front from the HIStory tour. Another t-shirt I brought don't have those dates on there , and just says ing of Pop. It's just tripped out that I couldn't not find one MJ t-shirt 3 months ago, but now the're everywhere. And I feel so odd buying them, because I'm not just someone buying MJ merchandise because he died, but because I loved him. Every since I was little. Decades before this event.
While I stood in frount of the near-delapidated one story frame home it dawned on me the reason why I was there. I was there because I wanted to pay my respects for Michael. But why did I need to come to a home that he hadn't lived in for 40 years? The place was just so so small. Too small for even my family. It didn't at all seem like it even had 2 bedrooms, a livingroom and a kitchen. I don't think it even had a basement. In fact, my livingroom was probally the size of that whole house. How they reared 9 children in that place was beyond me. I read in Moonwalk that people used to tease them, and say that the family had to sleep in shifts (LOL) . AND the house looked like it was built with popsicle sticks and glue, and could be knocked over if someone leaned on it too hard. I hope it's just from age, and the place had actually seen better days. I gazed at the array of gifts placed around the house, the notes signs and cards appreciative of the outpuring of love and support from people, but feeling that this is in vain. I didn't contribute to the cavalcade of gifts because I knew Michael himself would never see them, or his children would play with the toys people around the world left for them. I know nearly all of those things will eventually end up in the trash when this dies down. In the end, I questioned why I was there. I was just standing there looking at mearly a building. And not amount of time of me standing there looking was going to make me feel any better about him being dead, or will bring him back. That's what I was looking for. A sence of finality and closure. I was looking at the wrong place. A structure couldn't do that for me. I had to get closure another way. I can't explain it better than that.
After being at the Gary home about 6 times in my entire life, I have decided that I'll never visit his home again. It's just a building in the middle of a socialeconomic wasteland. If anything, the home on 2300 Jackson St should be buried and put to rest the way Michael is . Gary, Indiana should move on, being proud to have Michael's origins being there, but not make it a focalpoint to their existance. That's like the only thing their holding on to. Which is quite pathetic since he hasn't lived there since 1969. They should try to get money for land and property development. Make a place to be proud of. A place where people would actually want to live in, and move to. Nothing fancy, nothing ritzy, just clean, neat. With buisness, shops increasing the amount of jobs and job opportunity. Mabey if the Olympics would come to Gary instead of Chicago, that may be the shot in the arm they will need.
So the funeral happened last Tuesday. The funeral that I wanted to desperately travel to see last week, but couldn't due to lack of money, and schedueling waffeling from the Jackson family (although it wasn't really their fault. It's hard planning a send-off for the most famous person on Earth). Even if I had the money to go, It wouldn't been a gurantee that I would;ve gotten a ticket because there was a lottery. Just like many things in my life, I had to miss this because of financial constraints. There's never enough money for anything.
I thought the funeral was fitting and appropriate for the greatest entertainer in HIStory. It was emotionally moving for me, and at times hard to watch. Especially towards the end of it. I couldn't help but to be a little bitter at the people there. Michael Jackson should've been outliving Smokey Robinson, Barry Gordy, Joe Jackson, and those other dinosaurs. Not the other way around. The feelings of sadness and anger came back. I know this is an unpopular idea, but I sort of wished that Michael's coffin was opened. Even if it was just partially. Living or dead, I wanted to see him for one last time. I know it might've caused a media and crowd frenzy, but It would've made this reality so definite to me. It really don't seem he's gone. I mean, I know that he is, but it just seems unreal. I have came to terms with his death. I'm slowly coming out of this pain. I'm trying to find ways of coping with this loss, and how to move on with my life. It's so hard.
My third trip to Gary, Indiana had to do with the Michael Jackson memorial they held at Steelhead Stadium. When I heard that there was going to be one, at first I wasn't going to go. I felt, what's the use? Then, I heard that Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton was going to be there. So I changed my mind. Afterall, Jesse and Al have said incredible things since Michael had died. Things that made me look at it diffrently and feel a little less distraut. So I wanted to go because I wanted to hear whatever they were going to say.
Leaving 2 hours early was really too late. Traffic was terrible basicly all the way there. In perfect traffic, I can drive to Gary from my home in less than an hour. And when I got there, parking was a nightmare. It was so crowded, I was worried they would start turning away people because it was already packed. I underestimated it. I didn't believe many people would attend. I think Gary did a great job with it. There was a lot of talented men, woman, and children that did well. It was more of a party-like atmosphere, than a solem event. When Jesse Jackson talked, I barely heard him. I think they were having sound problems because some portions of the service was too loud, and some were inaudible. For some reason, Al Sharpton didn't show up. I was dissapointed, but rhis part still didn't upset me too much.
What was upsetting was Joe Jackson. I just don't get this guy. Towards the end of Michael's memorial, he tries to advertise for his new buisness venture. I understand that people morn and grieve in different ways, but to me this was just disguisting. This wasn't just anyone who died, this was his own son. This makes me wonder if he really loved him in the first place. Did Joe Jackson have any love for Michael, or was he jealous of him his whole life? It's starting to all make sence to me. At first when told Michael was talented, he wouldn't even hear Michael sing. Katherine had to talk Joe into it. Why did he beat him so much? I read somewhere that when he was 7 or 8 Joe nearly broke his arm. Who would do that to a child? He use to tell him that he was ugly, and and too black, and that he would amount to nothing. He tried everything he could to break his spirit, and Michael basicly busted his @ss to prove him wrong. He became the biggest thing in the world. Loved an adored by millions. I bet that pissed him off. Joe was a failed musician. Michael became everything that he wanted to be. I bet 45 years later he still held that hostility. Maybe he's even glad Michael died. Maybe now that Michael is out of the way he could finally be famous. He's extrememly delusional that people would want to be interested in his new label and performers when the world is still mourning the death of his son. If I was Katherine I would be so angry at him. This would've been the final straw. I know she's exremely religous, but I would divorce him after this spectacle. She's an extardinary woman, way too good for him.
Right now, they're fighting to bury Michael at neverland. Although it's a beautiful, fitting and appropriate place for him to be buried, it's clearly not his wishes. I think his wishes should be honored first. Not to create a nother Graceland where people will pay to go to, and they will make money forever. I don't think he would want that. Maybe they should create a whole new place for him to be buried. Lay a kick-@ss monument that says nice things on it, and leave Michael alone. Let him rest. If he couldn't be left alone in life, at least let him rest in death. If people want to visit his grave, fine, but don't turn it into an attraction. He deserves more respect. I also think a MJ musieum would be real nice. They mentioned that at the Gary tribute. Michael had also said he wanted that, so why not? I would go. Hell, I'd even try to get a job there so I could be there everyday !
So here we are, nearly 3 weeks since Michael Jackson died. I think I went through all of the Kubler-Ross's so called 5 stages of grief.
Denial: "Oh, no, Michael Jackson is not dead. This can't be true. He's only sick. This is just the media doing their usual thing. "
Anger : Why? Why Michael? Out of all the people in this world why does it have to be my hero? Why do all of the riteous people in the wold die too soon, and the bad people get to live on?" those among other feelings, I still have.
Barganing Ok, this is a dream, right? make this be a publicity stunt, or a cruel joke by MJ and I will not say anything bad about him again. ever. Just as long as he is alive and ok"
depression "Michael Jackson is dead and I want to die too. This whole world can come to an end as far as I'm concerned. What world would this be without Michael? Without him, I have no purpose in life"
acceptance He's dead. Lets face it. He's really dead. Gone. Now what? I have to just live my life never seeing a new picture or performance. That was it. "
I've finally arrived at acceptance a few days ago. I went to Gary three times last week to visit Michael's boyhood home and to pay my respects. The first time, I took my friend to see his boyhood home, because she's never been there before. The second trip, I just went to buy a t-shirt that I didn't have the money for the first time. Gary is really a Ish hole city. I've lived on 13th and Sawyer, I've traveled to Detroit, but in all, Gary, Indiana is the most pathetic place I have ever seen. Even worst than North Chicago, or riverdale. The whole city is filled with run-down biuldings and empty lots. Litter everywhere. I guess they have no budget for land and property development, even in their city hall and supposedly downtown shopping districts. It's really a shell of it's former self. The only place that was half-way nice was their baseball stadium. There was a Bennigans too, but you'd never know that with the location it was in. The Steelmills stood there near the lake and still remained an eyesore. I began to understand why Joe wanted to badly move his family out of there, and why the drive was so hard to him to do so.
So at 2300 Jackson st (named only by coincidence when the Jackson Family purchased it in 1949) there was quite a crowd assembled who had my same intentions in mind. One woman came all the way from the Ukraine. Some of the Gary locals were trying to profit from Michael's death by selling t-shirts. DVD's (bootleg, of course) and CD's. Yeah, they were making money from Michael's death like many people are, but I really couldn't be too upset at them. In Gary, Indiana, there were no real shops there, so jobs must be real scarce. People have to make money somehow, and frankly I rather see them selling bootleg MJ stuff that than to be doing things counterproductive to the community. So I did spend money that I really didn't have and buy 2 t-shirts to commemorate my man. They did a very good job with them. I brought one t-shirt that had his birth and death date on it, but there's a lovely picture of him on the front from the HIStory tour. Another t-shirt I brought don't have those dates on there , and just says ing of Pop. It's just tripped out that I couldn't not find one MJ t-shirt 3 months ago, but now the're everywhere. And I feel so odd buying them, because I'm not just someone buying MJ merchandise because he died, but because I loved him. Every since I was little. Decades before this event.
While I stood in frount of the near-delapidated one story frame home it dawned on me the reason why I was there. I was there because I wanted to pay my respects for Michael. But why did I need to come to a home that he hadn't lived in for 40 years? The place was just so so small. Too small for even my family. It didn't at all seem like it even had 2 bedrooms, a livingroom and a kitchen. I don't think it even had a basement. In fact, my livingroom was probally the size of that whole house. How they reared 9 children in that place was beyond me. I read in Moonwalk that people used to tease them, and say that the family had to sleep in shifts (LOL) . AND the house looked like it was built with popsicle sticks and glue, and could be knocked over if someone leaned on it too hard. I hope it's just from age, and the place had actually seen better days. I gazed at the array of gifts placed around the house, the notes signs and cards appreciative of the outpuring of love and support from people, but feeling that this is in vain. I didn't contribute to the cavalcade of gifts because I knew Michael himself would never see them, or his children would play with the toys people around the world left for them. I know nearly all of those things will eventually end up in the trash when this dies down. In the end, I questioned why I was there. I was just standing there looking at mearly a building. And not amount of time of me standing there looking was going to make me feel any better about him being dead, or will bring him back. That's what I was looking for. A sence of finality and closure. I was looking at the wrong place. A structure couldn't do that for me. I had to get closure another way. I can't explain it better than that.
After being at the Gary home about 6 times in my entire life, I have decided that I'll never visit his home again. It's just a building in the middle of a socialeconomic wasteland. If anything, the home on 2300 Jackson St should be buried and put to rest the way Michael is . Gary, Indiana should move on, being proud to have Michael's origins being there, but not make it a focalpoint to their existance. That's like the only thing their holding on to. Which is quite pathetic since he hasn't lived there since 1969. They should try to get money for land and property development. Make a place to be proud of. A place where people would actually want to live in, and move to. Nothing fancy, nothing ritzy, just clean, neat. With buisness, shops increasing the amount of jobs and job opportunity. Mabey if the Olympics would come to Gary instead of Chicago, that may be the shot in the arm they will need.
So the funeral happened last Tuesday. The funeral that I wanted to desperately travel to see last week, but couldn't due to lack of money, and schedueling waffeling from the Jackson family (although it wasn't really their fault. It's hard planning a send-off for the most famous person on Earth). Even if I had the money to go, It wouldn't been a gurantee that I would;ve gotten a ticket because there was a lottery. Just like many things in my life, I had to miss this because of financial constraints. There's never enough money for anything.
I thought the funeral was fitting and appropriate for the greatest entertainer in HIStory. It was emotionally moving for me, and at times hard to watch. Especially towards the end of it. I couldn't help but to be a little bitter at the people there. Michael Jackson should've been outliving Smokey Robinson, Barry Gordy, Joe Jackson, and those other dinosaurs. Not the other way around. The feelings of sadness and anger came back. I know this is an unpopular idea, but I sort of wished that Michael's coffin was opened. Even if it was just partially. Living or dead, I wanted to see him for one last time. I know it might've caused a media and crowd frenzy, but It would've made this reality so definite to me. It really don't seem he's gone. I mean, I know that he is, but it just seems unreal. I have came to terms with his death. I'm slowly coming out of this pain. I'm trying to find ways of coping with this loss, and how to move on with my life. It's so hard.
My third trip to Gary, Indiana had to do with the Michael Jackson memorial they held at Steelhead Stadium. When I heard that there was going to be one, at first I wasn't going to go. I felt, what's the use? Then, I heard that Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton was going to be there. So I changed my mind. Afterall, Jesse and Al have said incredible things since Michael had died. Things that made me look at it diffrently and feel a little less distraut. So I wanted to go because I wanted to hear whatever they were going to say.
Leaving 2 hours early was really too late. Traffic was terrible basicly all the way there. In perfect traffic, I can drive to Gary from my home in less than an hour. And when I got there, parking was a nightmare. It was so crowded, I was worried they would start turning away people because it was already packed. I underestimated it. I didn't believe many people would attend. I think Gary did a great job with it. There was a lot of talented men, woman, and children that did well. It was more of a party-like atmosphere, than a solem event. When Jesse Jackson talked, I barely heard him. I think they were having sound problems because some portions of the service was too loud, and some were inaudible. For some reason, Al Sharpton didn't show up. I was dissapointed, but rhis part still didn't upset me too much.
What was upsetting was Joe Jackson. I just don't get this guy. Towards the end of Michael's memorial, he tries to advertise for his new buisness venture. I understand that people morn and grieve in different ways, but to me this was just disguisting. This wasn't just anyone who died, this was his own son. This makes me wonder if he really loved him in the first place. Did Joe Jackson have any love for Michael, or was he jealous of him his whole life? It's starting to all make sence to me. At first when told Michael was talented, he wouldn't even hear Michael sing. Katherine had to talk Joe into it. Why did he beat him so much? I read somewhere that when he was 7 or 8 Joe nearly broke his arm. Who would do that to a child? He use to tell him that he was ugly, and and too black, and that he would amount to nothing. He tried everything he could to break his spirit, and Michael basicly busted his @ss to prove him wrong. He became the biggest thing in the world. Loved an adored by millions. I bet that pissed him off. Joe was a failed musician. Michael became everything that he wanted to be. I bet 45 years later he still held that hostility. Maybe he's even glad Michael died. Maybe now that Michael is out of the way he could finally be famous. He's extrememly delusional that people would want to be interested in his new label and performers when the world is still mourning the death of his son. If I was Katherine I would be so angry at him. This would've been the final straw. I know she's exremely religous, but I would divorce him after this spectacle. She's an extardinary woman, way too good for him.
Right now, they're fighting to bury Michael at neverland. Although it's a beautiful, fitting and appropriate place for him to be buried, it's clearly not his wishes. I think his wishes should be honored first. Not to create a nother Graceland where people will pay to go to, and they will make money forever. I don't think he would want that. Maybe they should create a whole new place for him to be buried. Lay a kick-@ss monument that says nice things on it, and leave Michael alone. Let him rest. If he couldn't be left alone in life, at least let him rest in death. If people want to visit his grave, fine, but don't turn it into an attraction. He deserves more respect. I also think a MJ musieum would be real nice. They mentioned that at the Gary tribute. Michael had also said he wanted that, so why not? I would go. Hell, I'd even try to get a job there so I could be there everyday !