What Do You Guys Think About My Story? :)

[Karice]

This is a short story, just tell me what you think about this little part.

My friend Bobby and I were hiking around in the woods, and I decided to go my own way for a while without telling him. I wanted to have fun and explore the woods by myself for a change. After two hours, I was done hiking around, and it was now dusk. I found myself lost in the woods, and I found lions approaching me, looking at me hungrily, licking their chops.

"No please," I said aloud, tears falling down my face, knowing I was going to be digested into their stomachs soon. I weakly tried to run, but I tripped, and the Lions fast approached me, baring their teeth. "Oh my God," I thought, scared as they began clawing at me through my clothes. Suddenly, rocks were thrown at the Lions, and they painfully roared, and limped away, bleeding.

I looked up, and saw Bobby. "Bobby, you saved my life," I told him, gratefully.

"Alex, you're welcome," He told me, smiling teasingly. "We're best friends. I just hope you learned your lesson not to wander off on your own in the woods."

"I sure did," I told him.

We walked a long while later. It was now completely dark, and a pack of wolves was now approaching us, baring their teeth, ready to eat us. We begun to run full force, and the wolves ran after us, ready to make us their meal! We were sweaty and our adrenaline was pumping full force. I didn't want to die! I was only 20!

I pushed Bobby into the pack of wolves. I wanted to save myself "Noooooooo!" Bobby cried inhumanely as they eagerly dragged him in closer and they hungrily begun clawing at him. He reached his hand out for me to save him, and I ran fully away from him, ignoring his screams of terror.

I looked back, and saw the wolves hungrily devouring Bobby. They were ripping his flesh, eating him alive. Bobby's face was twisted in a painful grimace as he begun to die. After making Bobby their dinner, they were full and satisfied, and walked away from Bobby. I looked at the remains of Bobby's body and turned away, and kept walking.

I was glad I saved myself, but begun to feel like sobbing, knowing I had fed my friend to wolves to save myself. I tried to rationalize my actions by saying to myself, "You had to do what you did to save your life."

I walked a little more, and a nasty thought came unwanted into my head. "Bobby never would have fed you to wolves." A little tear fell down my face, and I continued walking, aimlessly.

 

[Severus Snape]

There are a few problems with this piece. First, lions don't live in the woods. They live in the savanna, in Africa. If you're referring to mountain lions, then type out the whole phrase, or simply call them "cougars," so as to eliminate confusion. Second, you need to change "Lions" in your second paragraph to "lions," as this is not a proper noun. Third, in your sixth paragraph, the word "now" appears twice in the same sentence--this creates redundancy and a bit of an awkward tone. Fourth, you should change "begun" to "began." Begun is past participle, which means it needs a verb like "had" before it to make it grammatically correct.

"Inhumanely" would suggest cruelty, so I am unsure of how a person would cry "inhumanely." I suggest you change this to something along the lines of: "Bobby shrieked in terror."

There are other mistakes throughout the piece, mostly regarding punctuation, grammar, usage, and redundancy.

However, it is a very creative excerpt.

 

[Karice]

I thought "inhumanely" meant screamed like an animal or a monster....:mello:

 

[Severus Snape]

I thought "inhumanely" meant screamed like an animal or a monster....:mello:

What you want, then, is inhumanly. Either way, it seems an awkward word to use in the situation. The sacrificial character is, after all, more human than your protagonist--so the reason why you would want to describe his screams as inhuman is beyond me. I think something along the lines of, "shrieked in utter terror at the prospect of his grim demise," would be better suited for your character, but you're the writer, so I won't tell you what to do.

 

[MJ~And~Me]

Its good:yes:

 

[Karice]

What you want, then, is inhumanly. Either way, it seems an awkward word to use in the situation. The sacrificial character is, after all, more human than your protagonist--so the reason why you would want to describe his screams as inhuman is beyond me. I think something along the lines of, "shrieked in utter terror at the prospect of his grim demise," would be better suited for your character, but you're the writer, so I won't tell you what to do.

Oh, I see the difference now between "inhumanly" and "inhumanely." Thanks. I'm glad that you see that Bobby is indeed the good guy who had just saved his friend's life, only to have his selfish friend, Alex, feed him to wolves just to save his own life. Alex, in my opinion as I wrote him was supposed to be one of the worst friends in the world.

 

[xthunderx2]

well I liked your story...had me a little mad at Alex....you did a great job..thank you for sharing..

 

[Karice]

Someone else who read my story pointed out something that I hadn't thought of. They said "The lions still haven't eaten, and Alex is still lost in the woods. Who's going to throw rocks at the lions for Alex now?" Implying that Alex just fed his good chance of survival to Wolves, like a dumbass. they actually made a good point. :mellow: