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Still in so much pain

Ah, the passage of time. It is always most difficult to observe its effects in the world which surrounds us, even within oneself. One never realizes it, but with every second, one is changing. It's among the most difficult realities, and one of my least favourite things to admit, but time is a harsh thing--it is the eternal forward-moving gear which sets us all in motion, which makes things wax and wane, like the moon. It welcomes every tide, it watches them ebb and flow, all of these things are in perpetual motion, as are we. It is inevitable, that things fade with the passing of time--perhaps this is most merciful, although we are creatures who view change with distrust and reluctance, yet we need change to grow, to avoid stagnation.

Yet, some things never quite disappear, although they change with time. Your love for Michael will not disappear if you do not wish for it to disappear--it is a genuine feeling within the chambers of your secret heart, it is with you every day, every night, and if you will it so, it will be with you until your dying day. However, this feeling will evolve. Everything evolves with time as its catalyst. The intensity of your grieving will evolve. The explosion of emotion which gripped the globe after June of 2009 was intense. The loss of our brightest star was something which even those who never cared much for him had to acknowledge--Michael was so ingrained into our culture, into music, that even his detractors had to notice and feel the loss.

However, the crying, the tributes, the 'stopping everything and playing his music on repeat until the moon rises', these were all expressions of the newfound grief, reactions to the novel loss, and attempts to celebrate his life. The absence of these things does not mean that Michael is gone--he'll never truly be gone. It only means that we as a whole are in a different stage in our grieving process--we can't cry forever. The world would stop. There needs to be healing, and ultimate acceptance, that he's not physically among us. In our individual grieving stages as fans, we are all at different points, since every being grieves differently. However, those who carry on with their every day lives do not love Michael any less than you or I--they've simply dealt with the grief differently. It's different, and not one of them has 'forgotten' him if they truly loved him--that's impossible to do!

I want you to know that you are in no way alone. Your sentiments are valid, and there are others out there who echo these very same words. You are kindred spirits through your pain--it's there so you can grow and learn from it, although it is difficult. It won't be easy, but no worthwhile thing is ever easy. Just know that Michael will always be here--just not in the way he previously was. It's change, not oblivion.

Even in death, those who have passed can never be forgotten by those who love them. The world at large may "move on," in fact, this is very much desired in order to maintain a functioning society. However, those of us who love Michael will never forget him, we will always love him, and remember him. He can be in everything, from the soft flutter of the wings of a nearby butterfly, to the dark shadows of a forest in the evenings. He lives on in his music, certainly, because he put every fiber of his being and all his love into it, just for his lovely children, you, me, and the rest of his fans to hear.

Just know that no one who loves ever forgets.
 
I know exactly how you feel. Especially since I am still suffering from depression over what happen to him. I am still crying over him all of the time. I can handle listen to him some what. But watching him is totally out of the question for me. And I miss watching him so very badly. But I just can't handle it. It was just a few days ago I was crying so bad because of how much I miss see a MJ related video. I can't get help for my depression because of the fact my mother refuses to get help for me. I can't tell her anything of what it has been like for me ever since what happen to Michael. Cause she either doesn't want to hear it or listen to me or she would just gets angry with me and we end up having another fight about it. Which is something I should expect from my MJ hating family. I am the only one in my entire family that likes Michael Jackson. And because of that I am totally forced to hide my depression from them whenever I am around them. Especially my mother. They just don't understand of how I could L.O.V.E. someone like Michael. Where I had spent my entire life loving him. I don't even know what made me a fan of his in the first place. I just always was to a point where he is now my one major passion. My bedroom is practically a shrine to him. He is literally everywhere in my room. So I am still constantly feeling the horrible intense pain of what happen to him all of the time. I used to L.O.V.E. life so much when we still had him. But now I can't even begin to tell you just how much I hate living now. All I want now is to be dead and be with my beloved Michael. 3 times I had wanted to kill myself because I couldn't deal with the horrible intense pain. And if God and Michael wasn't so against suicide I would be dead and with my beloved Michael now. The happiness I once had when we still had him has forever been replaced by sadness, misery, anger, sickness, and tiredness. I just hate feeling like this all of time. But yet there is nothing I could do about it. Not when I have gotten so used to feeling like this now. When we still had Michael I was always the total opposite of how I am now. So again I really do know how you feel. And I am one of Michael's older fans. I have been a fan of his since the early 80s.
 
That was a great reply Mikage. I understand how the OP feels but not quite to the same extend because I didn't grieve like everyone else did in 2009. But every now and then it'll hit me and I'll go into a mini depression. I don't think those will ever go away, they might just get more and more far apart.

Lots of hugs Uncledoodoolover
 
I'm sure there are so many others still in so much pain.Me, for example, I am one of them and I find myself completely in uncleDoodooLover's words.

Great reply from mikage, you are so right.

This thread is beautiful, is like a therapy session.
 
i feel the same too,i just cannot except he's not here,i feel like if i do except it i'm letting him go,I know this may sound stupid,but i always imagined michael being here,never in a million years would i have thought i would hear those terrible words,we heard on june 25th,never thought i would fly to l.a and place flowers outside his mothers house,even after seeing all this,i still cannot except he's gone,it's like being stuck in this black hole you cannot get out of,
 
^It doesn't sound stupid. I thought I would die before he did. I thought he'd be one of those things that's always there, like the sun, like the moon, like the stars. Coming to terms with his passing isn't forgetting him. Acceptance is healthy, but you'll get there in your own time, and I know you'll be ok and that he loves you. :hug:
 
Keep your head up and try to think of Michael being alive in the sense of his masterpieces, his work....not a day goes by that i don't get reminded or think about Michael. Which is also pretty normal, cause as soon as i enter my living room i see the big flag and posters and glass cabinet with inside three different big MJ Figurines, i always get reminded of him :).

But i can feel your pain, and only real MJ fans feel that pain, i strongly believe that. There are lots of people who simply like his music and think he's 'cool' but they can never understand what this is for the real fans, that were there since day one. I can never know for sure...but when Michael anounced his TII shows, i was happy as hell, and he seemed to be doing good. At that time however i still didn't have a real job, but i felt happy....about everything concerning MJ. When he passed....oh my...like i said, i don't know for sure, but personally i think i changed. I haven't been that happy person like i was in early 2009 anymore....not to say i'm depressed or sad all the time, but i've changed. I strongly believe it's because our hero is gone. Not his music, his videos , his work....but the good man himself :(
 
I'm so sorry honey, I know how difficult it is for everyone :( If anybody ever needs someone to talk to, I'm here for you :hug:
 
One very, very long post coming up (since I got a lot of issues locked up...so hope you can bare with my constant blabbering)...


Funny enough, when I watched the Bashir documentary back in 2003 or somewhere there (I wasn’t really a full-blown fan yet, just curious since Michael was my childhood idol), it actually made me like him more. Before then, I only knew Michael from his image in music videos and his performances on stage. When I finally watched the Bashir documentary, I mostly paid attention to what Michael said and how he carried himself, rather than the comments that Bashir made (either because I didn’t understand him, or I couldn’t be bothered with what he had to say). As a result, by the end of the documentary, I actually felt depressed that it was over because I wanted to know more about Michael. But that’s another story.

When I started to have some real interest in Michael again, I’d admit that I was pretty much a closet fan; because I still found that being a fan of Michael…was embarrassing. I didn’t dare tell my friends about it because I knew they would make fun of me. I didn’t tell my family because I thought they’d find it weird. And I didn’t dare communicate on MJ forums because I was afraid of being attacked for asking the “wrong” questions. At the time, MJ fans seemed rather intolerant of haters. I felt I couldn’t just simply go in there, and start asking questions about vitiligo, the child molestation allegations and such without getting accused of being a hater or troll. So, I pretty much kept to myself.

Regarding 2009, I think I understand how you feel about missing it. I do feel somewhat similar, in terms of the attention I got from my family that is. Before then, even starting MJ discussions with them was impossible, as they always seemed disinterested, or they would try to change the subject to something else. But in June, all of a sudden, my family was praising Michael. They were calling out for justice against the accusers, and my Mom even offered to buy anything “Michael” for me. But since then, interest has gone down and they’re back to the same state they were before. I missed that level of attention they gave Michael, because it’s the only attention I ever got from anyone else as an MJ fan.

2009 also gave me a chance to open up as an MJ fan, and not feel embarrassed by it. Even though my friend thought it was just a phase, she now knows how serious I am about being a fan (and she probably thinks I’m crazy, but no matter).

Ultimately, I would say that the thing I missed most was the attention people gave Michael. Shortly before June 2009, I remember telling another fan that if Michael were to suddenly pass, and these random people were to crawl out of their woodwork to tell us how sorry they were, I would not want any of their sympathy because it would all be fake and meaningless. But when it really did happen, I appreciated the outpouring of grief from others, because it really made me feel like I wasn’t the only one who cared. It was the sense of “togetherness” that gave me comfort (comfort in numbers, perhaps?). Initially, I really thought they would scoff at Michael’s death and say, “See? I knew he wouldn’t make it past a single concert” or “So close to redemption but no dice, oh well, another failed attempt to make fun of”. Instead, 2009 brought along some real genuine fans. Fans who gave me some hope that, when put together, we're not really alone in caring about Michael, you know?

I miss that time of “coming together”. But since then, I’ve grown quite accepting that people just move on. Sometimes, I feel like I’m prepared to move on myself. My brother discourages me a lot from coming onto message boards anyway; he says it’s a hell of a distraction to my studies and my real-world goals. But I never fail to drop by for a little bit of news or so. Nowadays, I just feed on news of Bad Tour releases, the Conrad Murray Trial, and the Estate lawsuits.

I still wish for the day when I find that friend who is just as fanatical of Michael as me, but I don't count on it. Not in Singapore, at least. Till then, I just get by with how things are.
 
Thank you all so very much *hugs*
I'm glad to see that there are people I can share my feelings with, people who understand me. I really need to distance myself from that tragedy, I have to tell myself that it was a hoax and he's still alive, hiding somewhere. I should really stop watching those touching videos because I'm very sensitive and those things quickly make me depressed :/
I feel better now, because I think of his funny and cute moments but I know it won't last. One day i'll break down again and I don't think that's ever going to change.
That's how I deal with grief, I forget it for a while, and then it comes back. I forget it, it comes back. It's all in ups and downs but it's people like you guys that keep me "up" :)
I can't express in words how much I love you all for your support and your sweet comments,
I know Michael is proud of us, we are really one big family, united, thanks to him :)

Again, thank you and big hugs
 
I feel all of you guys! I'm struggling to find happiness as well. :(
Like MJsBolliwoodGirl, I'm the only one that L.O.V.E Michael. I hete when my family say nasty, mean stuff just for picking on me or making me feel my feelings are not valid at all just because I never had the chance of meeting him.
I've been his fan for 21 years despite all the mean comments made by the media or my fam like I said before.
I always thougt the chance of meeting MY L.O.V.E. would eventually come and now I feel so guilty because I lost time for telling him at least how much I :wub: him ( I sent him a letter to Neverland for his B-Day in 2008 but it was returned because nobody was there anymore; if only I had sent that letter months earlier :sigh:)
If only I could find out if he actually read any of my msgs that expressed my L.O.V.E. my pride or admiration it'd be comforting in somehow. I don't really know what to believe anymore, is his soul in heaven? is he finally happy? does he know how much we miss him? I know Michael is not a genie but I really need a sign.
Iwill write later...
 
Hey > :hug: and :better:



Honestly? We'll never be free from this pain. Losing Michael is as if they had snatched a part of us.... I'll feel this way forever and I'll never be the same person I was before June 25. :( There is nothing that can ease my pain I feel. :cry:
 
hugs to UncleDoodoolover and everyone who has posted in this thread. I have feeling the same way today. I have been watching TII with tears streaming down my face. I watched it a bit yesterday and then today the dam broke when I watched some more. I feel in everyday life we surpress our grief- at least I do and get through and sometimes it is a great relief to have a good cry about Michael not being here now and then. I sometimes get frightened I will forget him but I suppose rationally that will never happen. I think it is good to let the grief out now and then at appropriate times.
At least we can all come here and share without judgement. I know that it can be very hard to live with this grief of MJ not being here and the worry about what might happen at the trial. But I believe in God and know Michael, to me is a better place and the pain for him of living in this world has ended. His life was cut short but we should not cut short ours due to our passing. We are all on a different stages with our grief and I think there are probably many fans still struggling at this moment. I know I will continue to mourn for sometime yet. I am working on incorporating Michael's passing into my life in a positive way so I can move forward with him in my heart.
 
i know how you guys feel. im still struggling with loosing michael. ive gotten better though but when i hear certain songs like "smile" i burst in to tears. when i read stories about him i cry but also smile at the same time. he was my Angel. i will never forget how i herd the news and how i felt. i wont ever forget the non sympathy i got from everyone around me. i was so alone. until i found this place and i finally had ppl to talk to who felt the same way i did. it helped me soooo much. now me im not a new fan. I grew up with Michael's music and he was everything to me. i miss him so much and not a a single day goes by that i dont think about him. i find it sad and kinda sick that After he died no one gave a crap about him. suddenly everyone said how great he was, how talented he was, and how much he was loved. really?? since when did any of these ppl feel that way about him? Michael did get love BUT from the media. he got love from his family, children, friends, and most of all his fans.i dont miss 2009. it was horrible. it was supposed to be a great year for michael and his fans with this is it tour and talks of him doing more shows in the states for the 1st time in nearly 15 years! but that was taken away from him and us and now we just have our memories. i miss him dearly and i will never stop mourning him.
 
Oh, I feel this too!
Glad (don't take it wrong I'm got glad you guys are feeling sad) to see that I'm not the only one who still has a hard time with this.
There is something missing inside of me and I don't think it will ever feel the same again. I will do my best to be happy and live as Michael would have wanted his fans too but there will always be something that just isn't right - not the way it use to be.
 
Thank you for this special threat.
A few hours ago I was sitting in a restaurant, reading Dancing the Dream and I cried.
Sometimes it's almost like I could feel his pain, but also his joy.
Since june 25th he's is part of my life.
My best wishes to all these sensitive people who share their feelings here.
 
Thank you for this thread, it's very comforting to hear everyone's thoughts. I still miss Michael like crazy every day :( And I know I will be missing him till the end of my life.

But nowadays I can often feel joy again as I listen to his music and watch him dancing and performing...which I couldn't feel a while ago. I think it's a sign of some kind of healing. But there are times when I sink too deep in my thoughts and become really miserable again, if I don't be careful. I just have to keep myself busy, enjoy his music, keep his legacy alive and try to stay positive. Those are the things that have helped me in my sorrow. I still feel the pain, but it has became much more bearable.

Hugs to you all :better: It's good to know that we're not alone.

I'm absolutely sure Michael feels how much he is being loved.
 
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