Sisters

[Stranger]

Hi everyone! I would really like to talk about something and I hope people can give me their thoughts and opinions. It would be much appreciated!

I have just one sister (a year older than me) and as it was only the two of us growing up, we were the best of friends. We didn't have any family/cousins around to play with (It was just my mother, who had to work a lot to support us). As a result, we had a great relationship. I depended on her for everything, we did everything together. I can only imagine how lonely I would have been had I been an only child. Yes, of course, we had friends at school, but my sister meant everything to me.

All that changed once we hit our teens. Life just became difficult to deal with and we stopped sharing anything with each other. This has continued for the last 10 years. We still live together, but my sister has developed into a reclusive personality in a way. I mean, she NEVER opens up to me, talks to me properly, shares her opinions etc. In fact we're both pretty much happier on our own becuase that's the way we've turned out. Everything's a secret, when we talk we just argue. And I don't mean a silly sibling squabble. Its serious and we really mean the insults. Its like she spits venom at me.

I don't feel she values me as a person. Whatever I state my opinion, she thinks I'm being arrogant and tells me to "stop my psychobabble". She doesn't respect my job or any of my talents. She has no interest in anything to do with me.

And I do try. I try really hard to talk to her, but it's like a brick wall. she just won't respond. If I try to talk over dinner, she says she's eating. If I talk to her at night, she says she's tired. There's never a good time to talk.

I'm pretty sure I know the reasons we've come to this. As much as I don't want to criticise the woman who raised me, on a public board, my mother made a lot of mistakes. She isn't a person who expresses herself and her feelings. She lacked the intelligence and wisdom of how to raise two daughters on her own. Nowadays it's like my sister has to look after our mum and take charge of the household (she's the head of the house now and makes most decisions). I know she resents it although she would never admit it. I think thats a catalyst for a lot of the hatred she feels towards me. Also, becasue she knows that our mother depends on her for friendship and support, my sister cannot really have her own life. She can't just swan off on holiday or have a boyfriend or move out on her own. Its like she's tied in it for life.

And if I'm really honest, I don't like my sister as a person. She has a horrible temper, she's judgemental, impatient etc. But she proabably thinks similar of me.

I see so many sisters having such a great relationship and it really hurts me. Sisters who go out together, enjoy themselves, share with each other. We never do any of that.

The worse thing is, she's really the only family I have (apart from our mother) and if we continue down this path, we'll never be friends.

The past is the past. There's nothing we can do to change it, but is there really no way to get closer to her?

 

[Severus Snape]

Ich habe keine Ahnung. My sister is 10 years younger than I, and I'm more of a surrogate parent than a sister to her because neither her mother nor her father have any sense. I have a brother who would be closer in age/relationship comparison to your sister, but he's not emotionally distant. If anything, it's the opposite--it's a battle to even get him to shut up about his feelings.

So, I don't know what to tell you. The thing with people who have built emotional walls is that it's rather difficult to get them to open up. Depending on the person, they may gradually open up after they've encountered a special sort of person they feel they can trust, or it may not occur at all, as they feel they can't trust anyone. Talking to them and being nice isn't going to work either, especially if they've already developed a deep-seated contempt/resentment towards you. If they felt they could trust you, they would have talked to you already. However, this isn't the case.

Although your intentions are good, there isn't much you can do about this. If she doesn't want to fix the relationship with you, no matter how much you try to open up to her and be civil, nothing will ever change. In order for a relationship to truly exist on a healthy plane, both parties must be willing to put in relatively equal work into developing/maintaining it. Some people simply can't accept that not all relationships, even with people one would assume we'd be destined to have a bond with such as nuclear family members, will work out.

This doesn't mean it can't ever be repaired. You simply have to wait for her to reciprocate the move on her own. Prodding her about opening up to you will likely have the adverse effect, and will prove counterproductive in the end.

 

[Alma]

Hi everyone! I would really like to talk about something and I hope people can give me their thoughts and opinions. It would be much appreciated!

I have just one sister (a year older than me) and as it was only the two of us growing up, we were the best of friends. We didn't have any family/cousins around to play with (It was just my mother, who had to work a lot to support us). As a result, we had a great relationship. I depended on her for everything, we did everything together. I can only imagine how lonely I would have been had I been an only child. Yes, of course, we had friends at school, but my sister meant everything to me.

All that changed once we hit our teens. Life just became difficult to deal with and we stopped sharing anything with each other. This has continued for the last 10 years. We still live together, but my sister has developed into a reclusive personality in a way. I mean, she NEVER opens up to me, talks to me properly, shares her opinions etc. In fact we're both pretty much happier on our own becuase that's the way we've turned out. Everything's a secret, when we talk we just argue. And I don't mean a silly sibling squabble. Its serious and we really mean the insults. Its like she spits venom at me.

I don't feel she values me as a person. Whatever I state my opinion, she thinks I'm being arrogant and tells me to "stop my psychobabble". She doesn't respect my job or any of my talents. She has no interest in anything to do with me.

And I do try. I try really hard to talk to her, but it's like a brick wall. she just won't respond. If I try to talk over dinner, she says she's eating. If I talk to her at night, she says she's tired. There's never a good time to talk.

I'm pretty sure I know the reasons we've come to this. As much as I don't want to criticise the woman who raised me, on a public board, my mother made a lot of mistakes. She isn't a person who expresses herself and her feelings. She lacked the intelligence and wisdom of how to raise two daughters on her own. Nowadays it's like my sister has to look after our mum and take charge of the household (she's the head of the house now and makes most decisions). I know she resents it although she would never admit it. I think thats a catalyst for a lot of the hatred she feels towards me. Also, becasue she knows that our mother depends on her for friendship and support, my sister cannot really have her own life. She can't just swan off on holiday or have a boyfriend or move out on her own. Its like she's tied in it for life.

And if I'm really honest, I don't like my sister as a person. She has a horrible temper, she's judgemental, impatient etc. But she proabably thinks similar of me.

I see so many sisters having such a great relationship and it really hurts me. Sisters who go out together, enjoy themselves, share with each other. We never do any of that.

The worse thing is, she's really the only family I have (apart from our mother) and if we continue down this path, we'll never be friends.

The past is the past. There's nothing we can do to change it, but is there really no way to get closer to her?

So sorry to read all this... I've a sister, much older than I am, and while we've used to fight a lot.. a lot, things have gotten better, and I just realize more and more than she's a blessing to me, and all the things she has done for me not many would have done... Hoping your sister's personality can improve with time... Maybe she is hurting inside with how things have come to be too, and she doesn't know how to express that - in our family, it's a self-same type of secrecy and we're internalizing a lot, unfortunately, so I know it must get very consuming at times, not knowing if and when someone should do the first step to solve an issue - pride also gets in a way.. I know my father is one of the most proud people I've ever met.. I know how it feels, it's safe to say...

I wish I could help more... But I don't know what to say.. except maybe you could try to do a first step and .. don't know, organize a little reunion, between you, your mother and sister, maybe...? Though I can only imagine how hard it is... But the fact that it's saddening and consuming you isn't healthy... so something, no matter how little must be tried...

 

[Alma]

Ich habe keine Ahnung. My sister is 10 years younger than I, and I'm more of a surrogate parent than a sister to her because neither her mother nor her father have any sense. I have a brother who would be closer in age/relationship comparison to your sister, but he's not emotionally distant. If anything, it's the opposite--it's a battle to even get him to shut up about his feelings.

So, I don't know what to tell you. The thing with people who have built emotional walls is that it's rather difficult to get them to open up. Depending on the person, they may gradually open up after they've encountered a special sort of person they feel they can trust, or it may not occur at all, as they feel they can't trust anyone. Talking to them and being nice isn't going to work either, especially if they've already developed a deep-seated contempt/resentment towards you. If they felt they could trust you, they would have talked to you already. However, this isn't the case.

Although your intentions are good, there isn't much you can do about this. If she doesn't want to fix the relationship with you, no matter how much you try to open up to her and be civil, nothing will ever change. In order for a relationship to truly exist on a healthy plane, both parties must be willing to put in relatively equal work into developing/maintaining it. Some people simply can't accept that not all relationships, even with people one would assume we'd be destined to have a bond with such as nuclear family members, will work out.

This doesn't mean it can't ever be repaired. You simply have to wait for her to reciprocate the move on her own. Prodding her about opening up to you will likely have the adverse effect, and will prove counterproductive in the end.

^^ Dude, my sister is 10 years Older than I am. Go figure. ^ ..

 

[Ashtanga]

Well, I have two sisters ... one 17 years older than me and the other 20 years older than me. And unfortunately, we do not get along.... We are like water and oil. So different... and I never can understand them. *big sigh*

 

[xMichellex]

It sounds like your sister has had a tough time and has been pushed into being head of the household and is unable to live her own life the way she would probably choose to and that is probably making her feel unhappy causing her to withdraw into herself and express negative feelings like you described. Everyone needs space and sometimes creating space between yourself and family members can be the best thing. Maybe think about what she would like to do though, could you treat her or arrange for her to take a break away while you stay home with your mum? It might give her some space and some 'her' time and with you offering to take care of things make her realise you do care and value her.

 

[suzynyc]

I am closest to my younger sister than my other three. Yet we fight often. Sometimes we can stop speaking to each other for days, or weeks. One time we didn't speak to each other for months. We are in our 40's and haven't lived together since we were teens but we still have a shaky relationship. She has a different personality from me. I am quiet, shy, introverted. I don't share my feelings easily. My sister on the other hand is a type A personality and can be bossy, aggressive, judgmental. She doesn't understand that not everybody can be like her. I always feel like she's trying to change me and can't accept me for who I am. So our personalities clash. But we are still close and hang out together often. We instant message and email each other constantly (sometimes we fight through instant message, lol).

I am guessing since you and your sister still live with your mother that you are both still young so maybe with time as your sister matures she will soften up. Also, let her know that she is not alone in taking care of your mother and that you are there to help her in any way you can. And then do it. Don't leave it all on your sister (speaking from experience). So even though my sister and I fight often we still do stuff together. So I hope someday you and your sister can have that too (the hanging out, not the fighting heh).

 

[Stranger]

Thanks everyone for your messages..much appreciated. Just to clarify, I didn't mean my sister has to take care of my mother physically. She's not ill or anything. I just meant that my mother relies on my sister for friendship and moral support since she does not have many friends herself and rarely trusts anyone. (As you can see, it's a bit of a family trait lol).

Maybe I should just lay off for a few months- as in, I won't initiate conversations with her or try to get her to do things with me etc. Maybe that would give her some "space"? Maybe me pushing her into talking is having the adverse effect.

I can wait and see if gradually, she'll start talking? If not, after a few months, I can start approaching things differently? I can make sure I don't get drawn into an argument, don't talk about feelings and just keep things light?

I just want to have a friendship with her. I want us to be able to trust each other implicitly and be able to be open about things. Sometimes secrecy can be so heavy and tiring!

 

[Alma]

Thanks everyone for your messages..much appreciated. Just to clarify, I didn't mean my sister has to take care of my mother physically. She's not ill or anything. I just meant that my mother relies on my sister for friendship and moral support since she does not have many friends herself and rarely trusts anyone. (As you can see, it's a bit of a family trait lol).

Maybe I should just lay off for a few months- as in, I won't initiate conversations with her or try to get her to do things with me etc. Maybe that would give her some "space"? Maybe me pushing her into talking is having the adverse effect.

I can wait and see if gradually, she'll start talking? If not, after a few months, I can start approaching things differently? I can make sure I don't get drawn into an argument, don't talk about feelings and just keep things light?

I just want to have a friendship with her. I want us to be able to trust each other implicitly and be able to be open about things. Sometimes secrecy can be so heavy and tiring!

Yes, that's what you could try to do.. Oftentimes, people, especially out of pride, refuse to do things others are asking them to do, even if it's meant to be in their best interest. My father is the best example for that..... He's totally impossible lots of time. Maybe some sort of a physical distance could do for now, and your sister and mother, as well, will maybe get to clear their thoughts a bit and in time will see things a little bit differently... Just throwing my two cents, though...