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Personal Pain. Is anyone else going thru smth like this?

RedRoses

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I was looking through a lot of the old threads.. especially of the day everything happened. Some days I accept it. Some days I dont. WTF I honestly at times really do feel like I dont want to live cus hes not here. I do. And it sounds crazy even in my own head. I just want him back :( There really is such a huge piece of me missing. I dont think anything will ever be the same. I feel like i'll be mourning forever.
Its been 8 days
It took me 5 yrs to get back to normal cos I was anorexic. Not so much extreme where I was very very very underweight, but bad enough where I was only eating once a wk or so. I called it controlled anorexia.
Ive lost 5 lbs in 8 days.
And I like it. Thats the worst part. The pain my body feels from the starvation. Like im hurting so much over this that the physical pain to me feels good. Almost like a punishment. Like I am physically punishing my body and I cant explain what it is that makes me feel good about it. Maybe I want my inner pain to match my outer?
I'm getting my MJ tat soon..and on my ribs. Its gonna hurt. and I want it to. I want to feel that pain....
Is anyone else going through.. well.. personal bouts such as this?
 
Don't do that to your yourself, we all loved Michael but death is a part of life and we have to accept it although it's unbearable. Sometimes I feel so sad that I can't even force myself to smile, but in the end i know that life goes on and that Michael will always be a part of me.
 
RedRoses said:
I was looking through a lot of the old threads.. especially of the day everything happened. Some days I accept it. Some days I dont. WTF I honestly at times really do feel like I dont want to live cus hes not here. I do. And it sounds crazy even in my own head. I just want him back :( There really is such a huge piece of me missing. I dont think anything will ever be the same. I feel like i'll be mourning forever.
Its been 8 days
It took me 5 yrs to get back to normal cos I was anorexic. Not so much extreme where I was very very very underweight, but bad enough where I was only eating once a wk or so. I called it controlled anorexia.
Ive lost 5 lbs in 8 days.
And I like it. Thats the worst part. The pain my body feels from the starvation. Like im hurting so much over this that the physical pain to me feels good. Almost like a punishment. Like I am physically punishing my body and I cant explain what it is that makes me feel good about it. Maybe I want my inner pain to match my outer?
I'm getting my MJ tat soon..and on my ribs. Its gonna hurt. and I want it to. I want to feel that pain....
Is anyone else going through.. well.. personal bouts such as this?
Click to expand...

i know exactly what you feel my dear... for me, it's not with starvation.. but i feel i wana hurt myself physically, like cutting myself or punching myself so it hurts and i wana enjoy the physical pain. i know to people it may sound very crazy. but i guess i understand why we want physical pain. ii think it's coz our souls care hurting so much, like we are so much in pain emotionaly that we want to kind of distract the emotional pain by physical pain. coz the physical pain is much less hurtful than the emotional one. so i perfectly understand you.
but may i ask you please to try to eat please. you know, Michael would be so hurt if he saw that you are torturing yourself and your beautiful body like this... we don't want our beautiful Michael to be hurt... do you my dear? i don't think so...
so will you please try to eat very little amount of food with short periods between them so your stomach can get used to the food.

may i just remind you, one day we will see Michael, don't you wana be in the best shape ever? i know you do... so please eat for his love... please.

Love
 
I feel worse, the more days go by. Initially I thought that when the shock is behind I'd be better, but now see that it's the other way around. I just can't accept the fact that he was so well the night before, ready to give us once again so much, and is not around the next morning. NO! Something happened, and the fact that we will neve know drives me nuts..
 
i am the exact opposite. i do not like to feel pain at all and i prefer to smoke, eat, and keep really busy so i don't feel it! (physical or emotional)

emotional pain - grief - is hard to deal with, and we all have our ways. for you it's starvation/physical pain. for me it's smoking cigarettes and keeping my life way too busy.

i think it's all about balance. a little of something can be fine but when something makes you feel better it is SO easy to get addicted to doing it. and once you're addicted you need to do it more and more and do not know when to stop, and if you DO know, you can't.

do what you need to do to cope, but try to keep balanced. become stronger from your challenges and michael will be so proud of you! he needs us now to keep his dream going and turn it into reality.

you can deal with addictions by stopping the habit (eg starving/inflicting pain) and getting thru withdrawal. OR by imprinting over the addiction with positive ones. maybe eating really healthy foods like salad, fruit, green smoothie(google that!), or gardening, walking in nature, dance, art, writing, whatever your thing is. volunteer at a animal shelter or soup kitchen. helping others more needy than yourself is a great reality check & puts your own pain into perspective, and can help to get you motivated in life.

sometimes i think we don't know how to deal with emotions and get too selfabsorbed. i do. there is so much to do in the world and we need to sometimes forget our pain a bit and help others.
 
i feel worse every day even more then the day before........

eating? no thanks
working? no thanks.

the only thing that,s comforting me at the moment is walking with my dog and being alone and here on the forum.......

i know michael won,t have me suffering like this....he want,s me to life and spread his messaga and i will........
the joy in life will come back i,m sure about that....only i now speak over my life before michael died and the life after.........2 different lives....
 
I feel the same way! When I heard about you-know-what I haven't been eating anything for 5 days... And I still don't eat much.
And everything seems to me so pointless and I feel so breathless. Everything lot its glow. I really don't wanna live without HIM. He was the most important part in my life.
I have holidays now and I don't wanna go anywhere, I just stay home and do nothing, because I don't want to have any fun and besides I wouldn't have, because I feel awful. I'm really depressed.
 
houselove....mourning is allowd sweetheart.
i belive michael allows us to grieve and mourn about him.
when we all were happy again after two dies after his death i think he will rub his chinn about that...........
it takes time.......and live will get "normal" as possible again.....
rememebr that you have a fan family....we,re here for eachtother..
 
I know how you all feel. I didn't eat for a few days but then I started to feel ill so had to start eating a bit. I find that when i am eating though, a thought about M will pop into my head and I feel sick and have to force myself to carry on. Fussing my dog and walking him helps a bit too.

I find that I have all different compartments of grief:
- so sad for M's children and worried about them, hoping that they remember him.
- worry for him at the thought of him not wanting to leave the children and being in some kind of limbo like in the film 'Ghost' - sounds stupid but what do we know!?
- gutted at losing such a talent and the thought of what he would have brought to the world
- upset for myself and the fans at having to be without him
- feeling like the world is not the same and knowing that he is not 'around'

It just goes on and on.
 
Mourning a loss is one of the hardest things in life that we have to go through, and we all go through it differently.

Like violet said, it's all about balance! It's perfectly understandable that you don't feel like eating or being active, but it's also common to go over the top and work so hard that you don't get a chance to grief. Whatever your way of coping is, in the end you have face the fact that grief is necesarry for your brain to give this loss a place.

Here's the deal: if you in any way weaken your body (by not eating, harming yourself or whatever) your fysical strenght will decrease. And when your body is weakening, you also become less resiliant mentally, which means dealing with grief becomes more difficult (you cry a lot, become very tired etc). So the key is to cope with the loss in a way that comforts you but still enables you to do it. So try not to stop eating, but eat smaller portions throughout the day. Instead of harming yourself, try to find an alternative to release the pressure, like calling a friend, punching a pillow, going for a run... whatever suits you. As for working to hard, try to plan small breaks and an evening off, or a weeking off. Because if you keep un running full power your energy will be gone sooner or later. Give yourself a chance to refuel now and then.

Kudos to you all for sharing your feelings and I hope as a community we will be able to help eachother through this! Take care everyone.
 
I'm scared so scared, I'm afraid of being alone I try to cling onto people because I'm scared out of my mind
I had a problem with nightmares for many years, after losing somebody close a few years ago I was left with this fear of bad things happening to people and the panic never left me, and this is one of my worst nightmares now and I don't know how to handle it I try to rely on other people for support
 
isnt there any fans from the NYC area tat can make a new friendship with this person ? please we all need help at this time.
Im suffering too but im trying to cope the best i can until the funeral.
I just hope you find the strength to continue and keep us updated daily as to what yure doing.
 
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