I dont know what else to do but vent.
I've been a fan for 14 short years compared to some other fans. All the ups and downs, highs and lows. I've cried about the seemingly littlest things. I've cried tears when I first read Dancing the Dream (first time I've ever cried about MJ), I've cried during the scare of the crane falling during a performance. I cried about MJ's Oxford speech. I cried when i heard Heaven Can Wait for the first time, Morphine for the first time. I've cried a number of times listening to Speechless, Will You Be There, Smile, Little Susie, She's Out of My Life, and countless others. I cried a many times during the trial and I cried when he was vindicated. All of these tears were so passionate, out of true love for the man, Michael Jackson. Out of feeling like I could completely and utterly relate to him, I cried. I cried because he touched the depths of my soul.
For the last few days, once hearing about MJ's death. I never really cried. I shed a tear here and there when there's a song playing or something said, or a video clip that just brings it all home again. Yet I remember during the trial, breaking down completely while washing dishes.
I figured I just matured. I've had complete faith that God takes care of those who pass on and that MJ is with Him. I've been through most of the stages...numbness, angriness, denial, sadness...all of them. I finally thought I was going to accept it. But how could I? Really for the last couple of days I've been living in bizarrow world...
But i did the normal thing. I celebrated his life. For the most part I can listen to MJ's music without a problem. I watched Moonwalker again. I've talked about his death a lot to family and friends. I was fine.
I guess i wasn't. Today with talks of funerals and burials, its truly heartbreaking. I was watching a video special on MJ's famous videos. The hostess kept saying "the death of Michael Jackson" and suddenly those words booming from a tv screen made me feel literally sick to my stomach. Its a horrifying nightmare. The words finally registered with me after all this time. Remember all the times that I cried 'with him', that I've defended him, that I poured all my emotions for him, that he inspired me, how I've learned so much from him, how I used to write fan fics about him, how I used to draw his face when i was little to make posters, how he's always been there and never for a second did I think he'd ever leave, at least this soon.
I used to write horror stories about MJ's ghost, and vampires and the like...I wrote those stories with the complete, utter impossibility in my mind that he might actually die. It was fiction I was writing.
Now Im in some bizarro world where Michael Jackson is dead, the media is sucking up as if their cruelty never existed, and we're talking about funerals and if he's sending messages from heaven.
I watched that video show, feeling sick to my stomach. Asking myself for the first time in these days afterwards , "How can he be dead? How can he be really gone? In what world is Michael Jackson dead...it can't be this one. It can't be." And with nothing else to do, I finally had a good cry about it. I dont know why I broke down now. I dont know what emotions were coming out of me when I cried. I simply cant wrap my head around the fact that he's...really dead. Its like...it has to be a mistake. Michael Jackson cant be dead. I dont understand.
But I do understand. And its suffocating me badly, emotionally. You can't bring MJ back, there's not second chances or possibilities. Michael is gone. This costant footage of him smiling and walking and dancing and all other moviements does not bring him back, even though it seems as if hes alive through those vids. There is no choice. God took Michael and that's it.
Its eating me up.
Thanks for listening.
I've been a fan for 14 short years compared to some other fans. All the ups and downs, highs and lows. I've cried about the seemingly littlest things. I've cried tears when I first read Dancing the Dream (first time I've ever cried about MJ), I've cried during the scare of the crane falling during a performance. I cried about MJ's Oxford speech. I cried when i heard Heaven Can Wait for the first time, Morphine for the first time. I've cried a number of times listening to Speechless, Will You Be There, Smile, Little Susie, She's Out of My Life, and countless others. I cried a many times during the trial and I cried when he was vindicated. All of these tears were so passionate, out of true love for the man, Michael Jackson. Out of feeling like I could completely and utterly relate to him, I cried. I cried because he touched the depths of my soul.
For the last few days, once hearing about MJ's death. I never really cried. I shed a tear here and there when there's a song playing or something said, or a video clip that just brings it all home again. Yet I remember during the trial, breaking down completely while washing dishes.
I figured I just matured. I've had complete faith that God takes care of those who pass on and that MJ is with Him. I've been through most of the stages...numbness, angriness, denial, sadness...all of them. I finally thought I was going to accept it. But how could I? Really for the last couple of days I've been living in bizarrow world...
But i did the normal thing. I celebrated his life. For the most part I can listen to MJ's music without a problem. I watched Moonwalker again. I've talked about his death a lot to family and friends. I was fine.
I guess i wasn't. Today with talks of funerals and burials, its truly heartbreaking. I was watching a video special on MJ's famous videos. The hostess kept saying "the death of Michael Jackson" and suddenly those words booming from a tv screen made me feel literally sick to my stomach. Its a horrifying nightmare. The words finally registered with me after all this time. Remember all the times that I cried 'with him', that I've defended him, that I poured all my emotions for him, that he inspired me, how I've learned so much from him, how I used to write fan fics about him, how I used to draw his face when i was little to make posters, how he's always been there and never for a second did I think he'd ever leave, at least this soon.
I used to write horror stories about MJ's ghost, and vampires and the like...I wrote those stories with the complete, utter impossibility in my mind that he might actually die. It was fiction I was writing.
Now Im in some bizarro world where Michael Jackson is dead, the media is sucking up as if their cruelty never existed, and we're talking about funerals and if he's sending messages from heaven.
I watched that video show, feeling sick to my stomach. Asking myself for the first time in these days afterwards , "How can he be dead? How can he be really gone? In what world is Michael Jackson dead...it can't be this one. It can't be." And with nothing else to do, I finally had a good cry about it. I dont know why I broke down now. I dont know what emotions were coming out of me when I cried. I simply cant wrap my head around the fact that he's...really dead. Its like...it has to be a mistake. Michael Jackson cant be dead. I dont understand.
But I do understand. And its suffocating me badly, emotionally. You can't bring MJ back, there's not second chances or possibilities. Michael is gone. This costant footage of him smiling and walking and dancing and all other moviements does not bring him back, even though it seems as if hes alive through those vids. There is no choice. God took Michael and that's it.
Its eating me up.
Thanks for listening.
