Need to get this out of my chest....

Billie Jean

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It was a tough afternoon on my shift.

I'm an ICU RN, and as I returned from my lunch break, one of the patients had complicated enough to need intubation (according to the doctors, but not really when you analized the situation in detail). Anyway, we had to get ready for the procedure.

Intubation for mechanical ventilation... I knew what that meant, and I was hoping to never had to go through this situation (at least yet). Because there's a protocol to be followed, and certain medications that must be administrated.

And there I was, with the bottle of medication I feared, on my hand. The patient had already been given a small amount of it by my colleague, but it was not enough to sedate him, so the doctor asked ME to give him another dose.

Propofol.

And I felt my heart break again. Especially since the patient had already dropped his blood pressure to a warning level after the first dose and I had to remind the doctor about it, but still the second dose was needed. So, I had to serve it. And I did.

And I saw how the patient decompensated even more, his blood pressure dropping even more, his breaths getting shallower. And I could only think of one person.

This was nothing that should have surprised me. I know the medication, it's effects and side effects, how the body reacts, what to expect and how to respond to it's possible complications. We got to stabilize the patient and return his B/P to a normal level, but my emotional response was so strong that none of my academic preparation or professional training could have prevented me from it.

I kept my cool, controled my emotions as I could and kept working. But while I was out of my unit getting on my way to the laboratory, I almost lost it. I felt my throat closing, my eyes sweling with tears and my breathing getting harder, just like if the past 4 months have not passed already. Like if the hole was opening up again.

It was a difficult feeling, because not only it wouldn't have been the most inappropiate time or place to react like that, but because I knew that at that moment there was no one around who could understand why this was so hard for me, why was I reacting the way I did.

So I just had to go on, as if nothing had happened. My others patients needed me, and I had to be in the best condition to provide them with the best care possible.

But just the thought of who could have been in that bed like that, in a similar situation... was enough to wipe away my happiness again.
 
ooohhh...I am so sorry that this happened to you today...it must of been a very rough situation...it sounds as though you handled it very professionally though....you sound as though you are a great nurse.......having to use this med on your patient acted as a trigger for you.....I dont know if it will ever be easy on you again having to use that med on patience...your mind will always drift to Michael..I will pray for you .
 
I cant imagine how that must have felt for you to have to go through that with all those awful thoughts in the back of you mind, god even the word propofol makes my heart skip a beat so to have to stand there and watch the effects of it... well it does not even bare thinking about!

From what you say though hun seems like you did a fantastic job of keeping it all together and i think that takes a brave person to be able to not let there mind take over there actions! You should be proud of yourself for dealing with the situation the way you did *hugs* xxxxx
 
I wish I'd have been there besides you when you needed someone to understand even if I don't know you.
It must have been so difficult, reading your text, I just imagined the whole scene and.. oh my...
From where I am, all I can give you is a big virtual hug :hug:

You were very strong in this situation, very strong, I wouldn't have been able to do that.

Oh my god....

:hug: :cry:

You are so strong.
 
oh God.. that must have been a tough situation to be in. I cant even imagine :cry:

:hug:
 
Thank you. All of you.

I really appreciate your kind words. And all your love has really given me strenght to keep up my work. It's an MJ-fan thing that I guess only us can understand, because I must say that I have felt so much better after sharing this with you.

May I ask you for a favor please? Please include my patient in your prayers. It's been a week and he's still alive although sedated, but the situation has brought a very poor prognosis. This morning though I saw something that made me raise my hope a little higher: he opened his eyes and moved his head as I went to see him. May our prayers give him the extra boost to at least get out of that ventilator.

Thanks again, God bless all of you.
 
Thank you. All of you.

I really appreciate your kind words. And all your love has really given me strenght to keep up my work. It's an MJ-fan thing that I guess only us can understand, because I must say that I have felt so much better after sharing this with you.

May I ask you for a favor please? Please include my patient in your prayers. It's been a week and he's still alive although sedated, but the situation has brought a very poor prognosis. This morning though I saw something that made me raise my hope a little higher: he opened his eyes and moved his head as I went to see him. May our prayers give him the extra boost to at least get out of that ventilator.

Thanks again, God bless all of you.

:bugeyed I had to stop reading when I saw profofol.

just going to send you a hug :hug:
 
I'm sorry I didn't read this post until now I just wanna give you all the strength you need by doing your job it must have been very tough to be there big *hug* to you
 
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