Billie Jean
Proud Member
It was a tough afternoon on my shift.
I'm an ICU RN, and as I returned from my lunch break, one of the patients had complicated enough to need intubation (according to the doctors, but not really when you analized the situation in detail). Anyway, we had to get ready for the procedure.
Intubation for mechanical ventilation... I knew what that meant, and I was hoping to never had to go through this situation (at least yet). Because there's a protocol to be followed, and certain medications that must be administrated.
And there I was, with the bottle of medication I feared, on my hand. The patient had already been given a small amount of it by my colleague, but it was not enough to sedate him, so the doctor asked ME to give him another dose.
Propofol.
And I felt my heart break again. Especially since the patient had already dropped his blood pressure to a warning level after the first dose and I had to remind the doctor about it, but still the second dose was needed. So, I had to serve it. And I did.
And I saw how the patient decompensated even more, his blood pressure dropping even more, his breaths getting shallower. And I could only think of one person.
This was nothing that should have surprised me. I know the medication, it's effects and side effects, how the body reacts, what to expect and how to respond to it's possible complications. We got to stabilize the patient and return his B/P to a normal level, but my emotional response was so strong that none of my academic preparation or professional training could have prevented me from it.
I kept my cool, controled my emotions as I could and kept working. But while I was out of my unit getting on my way to the laboratory, I almost lost it. I felt my throat closing, my eyes sweling with tears and my breathing getting harder, just like if the past 4 months have not passed already. Like if the hole was opening up again.
It was a difficult feeling, because not only it wouldn't have been the most inappropiate time or place to react like that, but because I knew that at that moment there was no one around who could understand why this was so hard for me, why was I reacting the way I did.
So I just had to go on, as if nothing had happened. My others patients needed me, and I had to be in the best condition to provide them with the best care possible.
But just the thought of who could have been in that bed like that, in a similar situation... was enough to wipe away my happiness again.
I'm an ICU RN, and as I returned from my lunch break, one of the patients had complicated enough to need intubation (according to the doctors, but not really when you analized the situation in detail). Anyway, we had to get ready for the procedure.
Intubation for mechanical ventilation... I knew what that meant, and I was hoping to never had to go through this situation (at least yet). Because there's a protocol to be followed, and certain medications that must be administrated.
And there I was, with the bottle of medication I feared, on my hand. The patient had already been given a small amount of it by my colleague, but it was not enough to sedate him, so the doctor asked ME to give him another dose.
Propofol.
And I felt my heart break again. Especially since the patient had already dropped his blood pressure to a warning level after the first dose and I had to remind the doctor about it, but still the second dose was needed. So, I had to serve it. And I did.
And I saw how the patient decompensated even more, his blood pressure dropping even more, his breaths getting shallower. And I could only think of one person.
This was nothing that should have surprised me. I know the medication, it's effects and side effects, how the body reacts, what to expect and how to respond to it's possible complications. We got to stabilize the patient and return his B/P to a normal level, but my emotional response was so strong that none of my academic preparation or professional training could have prevented me from it.
I kept my cool, controled my emotions as I could and kept working. But while I was out of my unit getting on my way to the laboratory, I almost lost it. I felt my throat closing, my eyes sweling with tears and my breathing getting harder, just like if the past 4 months have not passed already. Like if the hole was opening up again.
It was a difficult feeling, because not only it wouldn't have been the most inappropiate time or place to react like that, but because I knew that at that moment there was no one around who could understand why this was so hard for me, why was I reacting the way I did.
So I just had to go on, as if nothing had happened. My others patients needed me, and I had to be in the best condition to provide them with the best care possible.
But just the thought of who could have been in that bed like that, in a similar situation... was enough to wipe away my happiness again.
