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My ex bf filed a restraining order against me

OMG, that's scary. :bugeyed That must be awful for you. I hope things work out ok for you. *hugs*
 
seems like you had a lucky escape. If at any time threatens you, place a restraining order against him, you dont need to live your life in fear.
 
he seems like a crazy person. u should place a restraining order against him too and never call him or attempt to see him again. he seems crazy and dangerous. u didnt know he was like this so u couldnt predict that this would happen. anyone could be in the same place as u are right now. it was just bad luck and could happen to anyone.
 
Gosh, I hope everything works out for the best for you. It sounds like he has some real mental problems. At least you know that now, rather than getting married and then finding out.

Chuck all of his stuff out and if I were you, don't ever try to get in touch with him again.. You don't need someone like that in your life :flowers:
 
Omg hun! That's crazy; what a dick?!

First things first, even if you do get arrested, you will or should be given a legal advisor free of charge so you won't be alone. They will talk it through with you, but tbh, this prick sounds like he's just pissing around? Do you know whether he's not just playing a mean joke on you? Who knows? (correct me if i'm wrong).

Secondly; has he got any evidence? because otherwise it will be a breach of your human rights; the police can't just come and arrest you like that.

Tbh, he sounds like he has problems and should see a counsellor because he's just wasting police's time now, as well as causing bother to other people.

I hope it all works out. Keep us updated. x
 
big DB said:
seems like you had a lucky escape. If at any time threatens you, place a restraining order against him, you dont need to live your life in fear.
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I agree with you DB. The next time this person threatens you, put the restraining order on him. Don't compromise, and by all means, do not go back there to give stuff back. Burn it. You don't need him or his parents.
 
i truely think you had a lucky escape.he sounds like a compulsive liar too,
my brothers ex-wife is the same she made up a story last week that my brother was harrassing her,infact the time and the day she made these allagations to the police,my brother was out with friends ,so he has witnesses.
just be careful,and like big db and linda said if he freatens you don,t hesitate in reporting him,
you are in my thoughts let us know how you are getting on.
 
MJstarlight said:
Ok sorry guys I need to vent. I have been dating this guy for about 3 years. My first real love. Everything seemed just fine. We had plans for future, plans to get married all the good things. We were best friends and could talk about anything. Ok so things were fine for a while but he changed suddenly. He has not been acting like himself for the past month. He went off his medication and has competley gone *****. He broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. I was shattered when I heard the news, but slowly I became more accepting. I asked if we could still be friends he did not like the idea. He would not add me as a friend on facebook. He even threatened to kill me a few weeks ago. So I grew more angry. His parents showed up to my workplace today and were being very strange, staring at me, they would not leave. I told his parents I would be by later to drop some of his stuff off. I had a lot of his things I wanted to get them out of my sight so I showed up there to give him his stuff back, his parents took it. I called him later on because I wanted to tell him I forgot to give him back a couple things but he didnt pick up. Instead he called the police and made up lies that I have been harrassing him and I am now under a court order with the police, the officer said if I call again I am going to be arrested. I'm scared that he will make some false charges against me, I'll be arrested at my work, and I will have to go to court. And this person was someone who led me on, who said I would have a future with them, who I thought was my best friend!!! Those things he left behind I want to throw in the trash. I never thought he would do something this cruel and I am very scared of this man now. It is very sad. Please pray for me. :angel:
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MJstarlight, I know I'm probably about to sound like your mother, don't mind me none, it's just that I am a mother.
First let me tell you, how sorry I am to know what you are going through, that must be terrible.
YOU MUST DOCUMENT EVERYTHING! I mean it, make sure you write everything down; when his parents call or come by or if he should try and make contact with you. It's really best all together to terminate your friendship with his parents.

Do not go against the restraining order, not even if he calls and begs to see you. You can not put your safety in jeopardy.

If you fear him and he has made a threat against you, you need to go to the authorties. It needs to be officially documented, but be very clear and accurate.

After being treated this way, most significant others will try and come back for whatever the reason. DO NOT ASSUME, you will be safe with him.

Pray for strength and guidance, do not put yourself in a vunerable situation and NEVER go anywhere alone, especailly now.

Seek out counseling, get a strong support system around you and believe in your heart that God is with you every step of the way, all you have to do is put your faith in him and call on him.
 
you might think about keeping a diary so you can keep track of dates and things your doing. in case he mr weirdo goes even more weird, you'll know where you were, who you were with etc. etc. on which dates. if i were you, i'd be keeping my friends around me as much as possible so you have someone who can vouch for you. simple things like keeping receipts of things you buy - receipts have dates and times. in case he ever makes up some bs about you - if you got a receipt you were somewhere else at a time and place that is best - use your credit card - so that you have to give a signature for your purchases - this gives you an actual alibi - cash doesn't. it can be said its someone else's receipt with cash - credit card is best. start taking your camera with you, hopefully its got a date/time stamp and start taking photos of you and your friends when you go out and do stuff. you want to try and be able to keep a record with documentation of where you are and when as much as possible. if he does do something weird and you can prove that he's lying, its better for you. maybe they will lock him up, and keep him from giving you anymore hard time. good luck.
 
Sounds like a blessing in disguise to me. It may take time but I think you'll see it that way one day. Don't attempt to contact him and if he contacts you, get a restraining order for yourself.
 
First and most important: DO NOT GO AGAINST THE RESTRAINING ORDER... whatever happens!

cuz then you're save and second the message to your ex and/or his parents that's it's just an easy thing to do to follow it, is a healthy message they might need.

Second if you've been threatened make it official. Maybe ask officials (police and/or a lawyer) if it's sensefull to put out a restraining order yourself against them (ex AND his parents) also.

To write a diary seems a good advice for me also!

Take care! I'll send a prayer for you!
 
Change your locks too, MJStarlight. And stay safe, okay? I have played too many battered women/girlfriend benefits to know all too well about this type of situation. I am praying for you to stay safe and healthy. Take care.
 
Let me clarify where I am coming from.
rihanna-bruise-picture.jpg

I used to play Battered Women/Girlfriend benefits in a church in my area. I did this for years with my family. We'd play jazz and sing. My sister and I would sing in the choir...I sang some solos. In fact, they always had me at the end - cause I would be the show stopper. Brought the house down, baby! lol...

Anyway, when I heard about you having these problems, as well as Rihanna getting battered by her boyfriend Chris, I asked myself "Why? Why would a young, successful smart beautiful young woman such as Rihanna stay in such a relationship?" I wondered if she loved herself enough to back away from it.

I looked this up on the web, and here is what I found.

From: http://www.stopviolence.com/domviol/whytheystay.htm



Why women stay in abusive relationships is the wrong question. The questions we should be asking are: Why do men terrorize their partners? Why does the community allow battering to continue? How can we be helpful to women in the process of leaving? A common mistake in understanding domestic violence is to scrutinize the survivor and avoid looking at the perpetrator. People believe that if battered women REALLY wanted to leave they could just get up and go. Many people overlook the environmental barriers that prevent women from leaving and too often focus on psychological "characteristics" of women instead. Although men’s violence is the crucial question, many people wonder why women stay – and advocates of battered women have made the following suggestions.

Some battered women are held prisoner in their own homes. Assailants use psychological terrorism and abuse to break down the victims' will to resist and bring them under control. A worthwhile model is the "Stockholm Syndrome", which describes how those who are taken hostage begin to identify with, become attached to, and take the side of their captors as survival reactions to life-threatening situations. Batterers employ knowledge gained in an intimate relationship to attack the woman's spirit, her sense of self worth and thus her ability to resist. Sexual abuse and domination are particularly degrading to the spirit and weaken the capacity to resist. Torture and murder of pets - particularly those special to the woman - is also not unusual.


This page is an edited version of 20 reasons Why She Stays: A Guide for Those Who Want to help Battered Women (20 pages adobe.pdf).

This version appears as a boxed feature in Class, Race, Gender & Crime.

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See also Why Doesn't She Leave by Ann Jones

Some battered women stay because they believe that therapy will help their batterers stop being violent. Having the assailant enter counseling bolsters the woman's hope about the relationship: if he can be cured, she reasons (and her reasoning is supported by the therapist who is doing the counseling, who she sees as the expert), then the violence will end and their relationship can resume. All women want the violence to end; many do not want the relationship to end.

Some battered women are forced to stay because they can't afford justice. Getting a personal protection or restraining order may require getting a lawyer -- which usually requires money. Legal aid offices may not necessarily handle divorce, and many do not have the resources to handle divorce and custody cases when domestic violence is involved. Major cuts to legal services have hindered the limited options for legal redress. The assailant may have told her that he will use his income to hire a more skilled attorney who will take her children.

Battered women sometimes stay for their children, so their abusive partner will not get custody. Some survivors reason that they will sacrifice themselves so their children can have a father, good schools, a safe neighborhood or have financial security.

Some battered women stay because there is no place for them to go. Shelters do not exist everywhere or are full. Their funding is in constant danger, vulnerable to attacks from groups believing they are "destroying the family" or are "anti-male." Women face discrimination in the rental market and landlords are often reluctant to rent to formerly battered women, believing that their assailant will show up and cause property damage or physical harm. The assailant often deliberately sabotages his partner's credit rating (or prevents her from establishing one at all).

Some battered women stay because they are not given accurate information about battering. They are told by professionals, family, friends and the batterer that alcohol or drugs causes battering. They are told that they are codependent or enable his behavior – if they would change, then their assailants would. Women then endlessly attempt to modify their behavior only to watch the violence worsen and find themselves blamed for not trying hard enough.

Some battered women stay because they believe what most people in our society think about battered women: they imagine or exaggerate the violence; they provoke or are to blame for the violence; they all come from poor, uneducated, or minority backgrounds; their partner just has a problem controlling his anger or stress or; unemployment problems have caused the battering. If the woman goes for help to family, friends or professionals who believe these myths, they will suggest ideas that will not work and make it harder for her to escape.

Some battered women stay because their assailants deliberately and systematically isolate them from support. People who are in trouble need the aid of family, friends, co workers and professionals to weather the crisis and make the best decisions for themselves. Many assailants are extremely jealous and possessive; they constantly accuse their partners of affairs, demand that their partner speak to no one, and accuse them of infidelity every time they do so. Assailants force their partner to account for every minute of their time. One assailant marked the tires of his girlfriend's car to monitor her use of it. Another nailed the windows shut and put a lock on the outside of the door. Many take car keys, disable cars, and unplug or break telephones. Assailants methodically drive friends and family away.

Some battered women stay because they believe in love and they still love their partners. This is hard for people who have not been battered to understand. However, many people have been in difficult relationships (or jobs) they that knew they should leave, but couldn't, or needed time to be able to depart. Love is glorified in our culture. Popular songs and movies reinforce the idea that love is the most important thing in life and people (especially women) should do anything for it. Women may love their partners, and at the same time hate their violent and abusive actions. Battered women need to be reminded that she does not have to stop loving her assailant in order to leave. Some women may be troubled about making it on their own and being lonely. Leaving a batterer may mean enduring feelings of grief and loss from abandoning a circle of friends, family, a neighborhood and a community.

Some battered women stay because they believe what their assailant is telling them:
· "You're crazy and stupid. No one will believe you." Or, "You're the one that's sick. You need help. You're hysterical."
· "I know the judge; he won't put me in jail." Or, "The police will never arrest me."
· "If you leave, I'll get custody because you'll have abandoned me and the kids."
· "If you leave, I'll find you and kill you. I'll kill your family, your kids, and your pets. You'll never escape me."

Assailants deliberately supply their partners with false information about the civil or criminal justice system. At the same time, assailants often play on their partners concern for their well being through threats of suicide or exaggerating the devastating effects of prison. (In fact, convictions are rare, and usually for misdemeanors that carry a sentence of counseling). Assailants may tell their partners that shelters are lesbian recruiting stations, staffed by lesbians, and a place where she will be attacked by lesbians or become one.

Some battered women stay because they are addicted and their addiction prevents them from taking action. Their assailant encourages or coerces them into using alcohol or drugs, and/or sabotages recovery by preventing her from going to meetings. Some women consume alcohol or other drugs to numb the psychic, emotional or physical pain caused by the violence. Doctors may prescribe tranquilizers for a battered woman's "nerves". Few women know or are told that minor tranquilizers can be seriously and quickly addictive. It makes the woman less able to act on her own behalf and it gives the assailant a handy tool for discrediting and blaming her.

Some battered women are trapped in battering relationships because of sexism. Barbara Hart states: "The most likely predictor of whether a battered woman will permanently separate from her abuser is whether she has the economic resources to survive without him." Women do not have economic resources equal to or approaching men. Nearly one half of all female headed households with children live in poverty, as compared with only 8% of male headed households. The majority of African American and Latina female headed households live at or below the poverty level. Many battered women cannot find a job and assailants can damage her employment record by harassing her at work causing excessive lateness and absenteeism.

Further, many battered women do leave. Almost all battered women try to leave at some point. For battered women who leave, the violence may just be beginning. Batterers escalate their violence when a woman tries to leave or show signs of independence. They may try to coerce her into reconciliation or retaliate for the battered women's perceived rejection or abandonment of the batterer. Men who believe they "own" their female partners view her departure as an ultimate betrayal which justifies retaliation. Because leaving may be dangerous does not mean that battered women should stay. Cohabiting with the batterer is highly dangerous both as violence usually increases in frequency and severity over time, and as a batterer may engage in preemptive strikes, fearing abandonment or anticipating separation. Although leaving may pose additional hazards, at least in the short run, the research data and the experience of advocates for battered women demonstrate that ultimately a battered woman can best achieve safety and freedom apart from the batterer. Leaving will require strategic planning and legal intervention to avert separation violence and to safeguard survivors and their children.

Excerpted from an article of the same title by Susan G. S. McGee, available through . Reprinted with Permission of Susan McGee, The Domestic Violence Project/ SAFE House (Ann Arbor, Michigan). The original document contains many citations to support or elaborate on statements made in it.

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Wow.

I now realize that we DO need to look at the perpetrator. It is simply not fair to blame this on the survivor. We need to, as a nation, set down laws that simply do not just "slap the wrist" of the perpetrator. We need to institute an across-the-board attitude toward perpetrators - in churches, synagogues, temples that states that this type of behavior is totally unacceptable.

We need to have more shelters where women can seek refuge from such abuse. We need more programs to help women get trained on good paying jobs, so they are not staying in a relationship purely on economics.

We really need to start doing something about this. This problem is not going away any time soon.
 
im surprised someone on medication was taken seriously by the police!

drop his unwanted items off @ ur local police station and leave it at that.
 
Oh my god...i could only imagine what your going through. Hope eevrything works out
 
but what about his parents ? why are they taking his side ? why dont they see that their son needs serious help ?
 
I know what you mean I've been treated in similar fashion.
I have yet to learn what a real gentleman is :no:
 
snowhite said:
I know what you mean I've been treated in similar fashion.
I have yet to learn what a real gentleman is :no:
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Wow, I'm sooo sorry some of you young ladies hadn't experienced a healthy, positive and wonderful relationship with a male. It do Exist, it really does.
 
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