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MJ's Ghetto Oprah Interview (for the new fans who haven't read it yet!)

CarinaT

CarinaT

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This was a classic amongst the fans when Dave (aka a member called 'lostchirrun') wrote up this spoof of the 1993 Oprah interview.
For those who haven't read it yet, enjoy! :lol:
It'd be funnier if you saw the original interview first.
Note: This was created in 2002 when we were all going wild about 'Vince'.

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.:~*Exclusive! Michael Jackson's Ghetto Oprah Interview*~:.

Oprah: Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Jackson, or as I like to call him, Mizzey Jizzey, my nizzle fa sho.
(Michael enters the living room of his crib, iced out, wearing leather, his hair braided in cornrows. Michael gives Oprah a big ghetto-love-hug, almost choking her.)
Oprah: How's it hangin'?
Michael: Whut?
Oprah: Er, I said, how are you doing?
Michael: 'S off da heezy fo sheezy.
Oprah: Of course. Are you nervous?
Michael: No. I'm just chillin' in my crib. Would you like some Red Kool-Aid?
Oprah: No thank you. I was watching you in the background there watching you in the video of the early years. Did that bring back memories for you?
Michael: Oh gosh, it made me holla, 'cause it was so magical, just all of us, dancin' as a group. Did you know I was the original thug superstar? (Smiles, showing his platinum grill)
Oprah: (squinting) Umm...no.
Michael: Yeah, I think Bobby Brown is a genius for trying to replicate that lifestyle. Every time he was on TV, Lisa-Marie would call me from the living room. He'd be on COPS and I'd be yelling "Show him! Show him!" 'cause they would blur out his face on TV.
Oprah: So, you admire him?
Michael: Oh gosh, he was off da heezy.
Oprah: (writing down phrase on notepad) "Off da heezy." I'll have to use that sometime. Who else?
Michael: Ice T who I adore as a pimp, and of course gangs, the Bloods. R. Kelly is brilliant, I just love great thugs.
Oprah: When I look at those tapes of you, and heaven knows, putting this together I think I've seen every piece of video of Latoya slapping you, were you as (making finger quotes) "tight" as you appeared to be?
Michael: When we were onstage, I had a fun time...
(The reflection of the light off of Michael's teeth is too much. Oprah squints. She can't see.)
Michael: But offstage, kids were always beatin' me up for quatas.
(Oprah puts on sunglasses.)
Oprah: Really?
Michael: Damn straight.
Oprah: Did that make you sad?
Michael: Not when I invited the kids to the subway.
Oprah: When did that start?
Michael: When I was in haah skool.
Oprah: What was your majuh?
(Michael gives her the look of death.)
Oprah: ... So... it wasn't what it appeared to be to the rest of the world, all of us... I remember I was a little white child-
Michael: Little black child.
Oprah: Oh yeah. Anyway, I wanted a piece of Marlon's @$$. That type of life, being a ghetto celebrity, didn't satisfy you?
Michael: I was sad because I wanted to be one of the toilet-scrubbing Irish potato farmers in Harlem.
Oprah: (looks confused) Do you feel... I talked with Susan De Passe, whose maid braids your hair. She feels that your thughood was lost. Is you feelin' that?
Michael: I remember when I'd have to practice dancing with my brothers for a TV show at 1 AM and I'd look across the street and see James Brown being arrested for indecent exposure. I would cry because I always had to maintain a goody-goody image. (takes out a red bandana and blows his nose on it.)
Oprah: I want to go to this and show some pictures of you as a little thug.
Michael: Aight.
(A picture of Michael at 4 with half his hair in braids, half in an afro with a pick sticking out, appears onscreen.)
Oprah: Susan said it was a heavy price. I want to know how big of a price it was, losing your thughood or having this kind of life?
Michael: Well, you don't get to do things that other children from the ghetto get to do, you know, getting arrested and selling drugs, and gang members. There was none of that for me. I didn't have no posse when I was little. My brothers were my posse.
Oprah: Was there ever a place where - because you know children - because I remember talking to myself and playing with a Ken doll I painted brown and called Denzel... wait that was last night... was there ever a time you could do that?
Michael: I don't play with dolls.
Oprah: I meant did you ever have time to spend as a gansta?
Michael: No, and that's why I built all this in my backyard. I have about 150 lowriders here. There's a spray paint factory. I even own half the stock of Kool-Aid. We'll take kids from South Central and play midnight basketball. It's all fun.
Oprah: Did you feel, James Brown said this about you in court, and so have many other convicts, that you were like a pimp in the body of a little punk-ass b****.
Michael: I remember hearing that all the time from my teachers when I was in Indiana. They used to call me a 45-year-old hustler midget. I never gave it another thought.
(Michael pulls out a bottle of Cristal from his pants)
Michael: Want some?
Oprah: Uhh...no.
End of Part 1
 
Oprah: So here you were, Mizzey Jizzey, you all had so many hits, four hits in a row, and you were crying because you had a clean police record.
Michael: We all loved the Benjamins, but I remember there was a plane for us leaving for Dee-troit, and I didn't want to go, 'cause I was such a country thug boy.
Oprah: Was your posse hating on you when you became the ghetto superstar you are?
Michael: I never felt any hateration.
Oprah: You never felt like you had to have eyes in the back of your head so Tito wouldn't fish through your garbage can at 2 in the morning?
Michael: I don't think so. And if they did, they were great fakers.
Oprah: Do you think they are jealous of you now?
Michael: I wouldn't think so.
(Tito sneaks past the living room in the background, carrying a bucket of KFC to the door)
Oprah: How's the peeps?
Michael: I'm feelin' the love. I wish I could see them a little more often than I do. But I try to see them frequently, even if it's just on TV or "Where Are They Now?" I've even seen every porno Latoya has been in. (Counts on his fingers) "Malcolm XXX", "The Bootyguard", "Apollo 69", "The Deep End of My Ocean", "The Uncircumcised Mr. Ripley"...
Oprah: (disgusted) That's enough! Didn't you hear what Latoya said about you and the family in her book?
Michael: Well... I haven't quite read LaToya's book yet. I just know how to love my sister dearly. Even though she sent me a toaster that was supposedly for use in the bathtub. (Laughs) Nice try, Latoya.
Oprah: Do you feel that some of the things that she wrote are true?
Michael: The truth is, Oprah... I can't read. I'm a thug all the way. (flashes his grill)
Oprah: (squints again) So, you never had a bangin' lowrider party?
Michael: Never.
Oprah: So how was it going through the adolescent stage when people no longer confused you with Gary Coleman?
Michael: (sips Cristal) It was hard. They want to keep you little forever. Literally. They wanted me to fit in the trunk becuase there was only room for four Jacksons in the other seats.
Oprah: That sounds uncomfortable.
Michael: I had corns on my feet so bad that I would sand them in the morning and my father would come in my room with a welding mask to tease me.
Oprah: Your daddy did that?
Michael: Yes and tell me I had a "Barbara Streisand meets Fat Albert" nose.
Oprah: Your father would say that?
Michael: Yes. My bad, JJ.
Oprah: How are you two today?
Michael: I love him, but I let him borrow my VCR, and well, I think you can guess what he did with it.
Oprah: Are you angry with him for doing that? I think that's pretty cheap actually.
Michael: Do I got beef wit' him?
Oprah: Because superstardom is tough enough without your daddy dissing on you...
Michael: I never sent my friends in low places to deal with him. My momma does that sometimes. She's the original gangsta-mom.
Oprah: So your pops would tease you, make fun of you?
Michael: Mm-hmm. (takes off his shoes and starts picking his toejam)
Oprah: (staring at Michael's feet) Would he... did he ever jump-smack yo @$$?
Michael: Yes.
Oprah: And why?
Michael: All my dreams been broken?
Oprah: No, why would he beat you?
Michael: Cuz he loved me. He's like the little girl on the playground who trips you and slaps the back of your head because she likes you. So separating myself from him was like tearing out that girl's weave.
Oprah: Did he intimidate you?
Michael: Not as much as your weave does. But there's been times when I would cough up my chitlins at the sight of him.
Oprah: As a child or as an adult?
Michael: Right before you came. He's never heard me say this. Sorry, but ya gotz ta feel me on this one.
Oprah: Are you two still tight?
Michael: Ain't no thang. But gosh, I hear so much garbage about my life and how some people accuse me of not being country OR ghetto. It's terrible.
Oprah: There are so many rumors to clear up. Like the one that you and Bubbles robbed a convenience store last week. Then there's the one that you don't really have "In-dee-uns" or "good hair" in your family. Some people say that you're wearing a wig now and still have that damn Jheri curl from 1982.
Michael: That's completely wack. Why would I be rockin' that style if it was old-school?
Oprah: Where did that get started?
Michael: I went to a barber shop and asked the barber for a recommendation. He said "Jheri curls" and I said "ok" because I thought he asked if I wanted a "cherry twirl", like it was a drink. So I said yes, and by the time I realized what had happened, BAM! I had that wack-@$$ hairdo. But the peeps was feelin' it, so it stuck. That became the popular style.
Oprah: Wow. I think I have some rare pictures of you. Hold on.
(A picture appears onscreen of Michael, Quincy, and Bruce Swedien in the studio, all with Jheri curls. The next one shows Michael and Bill Clinton shaking hands, both with Jheri curls. The last is of Nelson Mandela, Elizabeth Taylor, and Michael in Africa, all with Jheri curls.)
Michael: Crazy, ain't it?
Oprah: Now the most recent is a rumor that you wanted a rich little black child from Beverly Hills to play you in a Heineken commercial.
Michael: Gosh, that is so wack. I'm proud to be a black thug. It's like you wanting a white person to play you as a child. Does that make sense?
(Oprah sits and daydreams, smiling)
Michael: Oprah!
Oprah: What? Oh...(disheartened) I... guess not...
Michael: Stop buying into these ridiculous rumors, people.
(Bubbles walks in, wearing a bandana and a diamond necklace with his name.)
Michael: Ignore that.
End of Part 2.
 
Oprah: Let's go straight to the thing that bugs most people. Your hair has obviously become straighter over the years. I think we have a photo of that.
(The screen shows a picture of Denzel Washington with heart shapes, stars, and glitter all over it.)
Oprah: (quickly) I've never seen that before in my whole life. Remove it.
Michael: The thing is that I have, uh, my hair is naturally straight. (Oprah stares at him.)
Michael: Well, don't tell me that thing on your head is a dead owl.
Oprah: I wish it was dead.
Michael: It's not a big deal. I got it braided yesterday anyway. Besides, nobody complains when white people have afros or braids.
(Liz walks past the camera with a flat-top.)
Liz: Excuse me.
Oprah: So when did this start, when did your... when did the texture of your hair start to change?
Michael: Sometime around Off the Wall, Thriller, around sometime then, when I discovered activator.
Oprah: But what did you think?
Michael: It's in my family, my father said I'm 1/32 Spanish. I guess I have what you would call "good hair."
Oprah: So okay, I just want to get this straight, like my hair. You never tried to get a permanent Jheri curl?
Michael: No. 'S wack. There's no such thing.
Oprah: Well, I heard about it in the 80s. But I think you had to use like 30,000 gallons of activator.
Michael: But you know what's funny is, why is that important? If I ever met Redd Foxx, I'd ask him what he did last night, or if he's making legal money, or if he would let me buy the rights to the theme music for "Sanford and Son." I mean that's what I feel.
Oprah: How many platinum teeth do you have?
Michael: Very few. I can count them on my brothers fingers...if you really want to know me, instead of getting all up in my face, buy my book, MoonStalker.
Oprah: That's my "GhettOprah Book Club" book of the month this month.
Michael: Gosh, thanks. (flashes peace sign and smiles)
(Oprah's sunglasses break from Michael's smiling.)
Oprah: Why did you get plastic surgery?
Michael: Why you all up in my bidnass, foo'?
Oprah: You don't want to tell me what it is? You had your come-get-me-thighs done obviously. I think you shared a "Playgirl" centerfold with Eminem.
Michael: Yeah, but so did a lot of people that I know.
Oprah: Ew. Have you had anything else done?
Michael: I've never gotten fake nails, or colored contact lenses, or hair curlers.
Oprah: Do you like the way you look?
Michael: Absolutely. I look in the mirror everyday and say "Michael, you a handsome mother@#$%$#!"
Oprah: So there are days when you say "I'm too bootylicious for you babe?"
Michael: Exactly. I am bangin'.
Oprah: I must ask you this, since we have so many hoochie-mamas and straight-up gangsta hoez in our audience: Why do you always grab your package?
Michael: My package? You mean when the delivery man comes? Well, I...
Oprah: No! Your...peeper.
Michael: My eyes? Well, sometimes I cry because it goes back to when we were all little thugs and just looking at where we are now...except for Jermaine, but -
Oprah: Your crotch, Michael! You've got a thing with your crotch going on there.
Michael: Oh. I don't think I really notice it. I'm not in a huge rush to grab down there in most cases, but I'm a slave to the beats. Sometimes if I hear a record scratch or bass lick or speaker-bustin' drum kick, or if I start to go numb down there, I'll grab myself. But it's mostly not intentional. (pause) What are you doing?
(Oprah is drawing a stick-figure picture of her and Denzel holding hands and kissing with heart-shapes surrounding Denzel. She puts it away.)
Oprah: Nothing. Let's go to a commercial, Den-er, Michael.
After a commercial break, some of Michael's major achievements are shown:
Most Expensive Pimp-mobile of all time
The Golden Pick Award for Biggest Afro
More alcoholic beverage endorsements than any other artist.
Entertainer with the poorest siblings (tied with Janet)
Most Iced Out Chimpanzee
Longest Span of Jheri Curls (1982 to 1991)
"You're a TERRIBLE man" Award for Thug of the Century
"Gon' Kill US!" Award for Evading Suge Knight
Honorary Majuh in Subway Construction from Queens Haah Skool.
End of Part 3
 
Oprah: When you have set yourself up as a role model for purse-snatchers everywhere, how do you keep on improving? What do you have to be arrested for to top yourself?
Michael: Oh gee, I think, just committing crime from the heart is important. I like to think of myself as an overall thug, not just a thief, or someone who likes to get drunk off a Henny.
Oprah: So do you go out and say "I'll do Rap City on BET today" or "I'm going to send Rosie a letter bomb" or "I'm shoving Tito down the steps and taking his food stamps" or "I'm sending a love letter to Oprah to tell her how much I love being on her show and to call me sometime 'cause I could use a big strong sista fo' support?"
Michael: Say what?
Oprah: Err, Liz Taylor said, before she left for her perm, that you were the King of Thug. What do you think?
Michael: First off, I never proclaimed myself nothing. Liz Taylor caught me choking Kurt Loder with his microphone.
Oprah: And that's where this all started?
Michael: Yes, and the fans... all the jook joints, where the fans would wear FUBU with my picture on it. One time when I was doing a record signing at Foot Locker, I slept in the store becuase I was too cheap to pay for a hotel. When I woke up, there were fans chanting my name outside. They were all security guards, but I felt the love.
Oprah: Let me ask you, are you a playa?
Michael: Yes.
Oprah: Who you be playin' now?
Michael: Well, right now it's Beyonce. Her independent @$$ and I hang out in N'awlins, especially for Mardi Gras.
(A picture of Bubbles, covered in beaded necklaces, is shown onscreeen.)
Oprah: Have you ever loved somebody so much you cain't sleep at night?
Michael: Fa sho'.
Oprah: With Beyonce?
Michael: Yes, and Miss Cleo.
Oprah: She's ain't Jamaican, and that's ain't her real hair. Let me ask you this, and it might be embarrassing, but that's half the fun. Is you gettin' any?
Michael: Yes. Tru playa fo real. (smiles)
(Oprah shields her eyes with her hand.)
Oprah: I just wanted to know.
Michael: I'm a pimp.
Oprah: You're a pimp?
Michael: I'm a gangsta pimp.
Oprah: I would interpret that to mean that you believe that a lady is a ho and therefore...
Michael: I can't really talk about it or the police will show up at my door.
Oprah: So if I wanted to be, say, one of your gangsta bit-?
Michael: I can't say.
Oprah: Do yo think you'll ever give up the game and have sum mo' chirrun?
Michael: I will, but I still love the chirrun I have. Little P can barely read and write, but he can rap. And Paris, or PLW as I call her, is going to be the next Christina Haguilera or J. Ho.
Oprah: What kind of "shorty" could you really go for? Am I your type?
Michael: No. I used to have a crush on "Dirty" Diana Ross, but she looked like a black Jacob Marley at Liza's wedding.
Oprah: She did?
Michael: Yeah.
Oprah: Did you ever pop the question to Liz?
Michael: Unless that question is "are you gunna eat that?", no.
Oprah: You've never proposed to her?
Michael: You're nosy.
Oprah: Well, Elizabeth Taylor is here. Liz wanted to have your back and bust my @$$ if I said something wrong, but I guess you don't need that now. Say hi to Lizzy T.
(Liz walks out, rocking a tall gray fade. She has on a gray jogging suit and some white Adidas shoes. She sits down next to Michael and gives him a handshake.)
Michael: 'Sup Liz.
Elizabeth: 'Sup my n****.
(There is an awkward pause. Michael pimp-slaps Liz so hard, she falls off her chair.)
Oprah: Have a seat.
Elizabeth: Ok...
Oprah: Did Michael ever propose to you?
Elizabeth: No! But he's such a fine specimen, so humble and sexy. I'd have his baby now if I wasn't hung over from the Cristal.
Oprah: That's hideous. Do you have anything to say about Michael that our viewers would actually like to hear?
Elizabeth: All the things you mentioned. He is the dopest, most bootylicious, phat, hype, stupid-fly, bangin' brotha on the block. He is ghetto almost to a fault of himself.
Oprah: (clipping her nails, bored) Uh-huh.
Elizabeth: And if he has any... oddities, it's only because he is a larger than life playa and knows how to rock tha boat. I call him the King of Thug, Ghetto, the Game, anything.
Oprah: (bored) Lovely.
Elizabeth: And everybody loves him! From the lazy suits at Fony, to the idiot who did your weave, to the M to the Jizzo, E to the Lizz-ay. (does "raising the roof" gesture) "For shizzle, my nizzle, used to record up in Gary." Even my niece likes him.
Oprah: (sitting up) What? Tyrese? Where?
Elizabeth: I said MY NIECE.
Oprah: (disappointed) Oh. I see. (loud, obvious sigh) And why do you two connect so much?
Elizabeth: We grew up the same way. I always used to want to become a Mafia member, but I became a child star at nine.
Oprah: What should the world know about him?
Elizabeth: How country/ghetto he is.
Michael: You cain't be rill. Ya'll too much. (laughs)
Oprah: And he can make a sista laugh.
Elizabeth: I find his comments about big-booty women to be quite full of humor. He's more than a brotha.
Oprah: My sponsors have just notified me by phone that they will pull out if I don't stop talking in Ebonics. So thank you for joining us.
Elizabeth: (staring at her hair) Ummm... That's fine.
Oprah: Is it that bad?
Elizabeth: I'm sorry. It looks like it was taken from a dog. And not a part of the dog I care to mention on TV either.
Oprah: (furious) What?
Michael: (laughing) Stop it, Liz. We should just weave it alone.
Liz: "You cain't be-weave it!"
Oprah: (angry) Let's go to a commercial.
Cut to a commercial.
(Some kids on a street corner are doing Michael's hunch move. Michael walks up to them, wearing a knit cap, and dances. He takes the cap off. The kids all point at Michael in awe. Michael takes out some Heinieken and tries to share it with the kids. A police car runs down the street. Michael puts his ski mask back on, drops the beer, and runs away.)
End of Part 4
 
Genius, ain't it? :lol:

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Announcer : Live from tha Never-li-zone, Mizzey and GhettOprah holla at each other.
(Michael and Oprah ride throught Neverland in a Cadillac with hydraulics.)
Oprah: This is what surprises me, that you were ghetto enought to take a Cadillac, soup it up, and convert it into the biggest, loudest lowrider on the planet
(Michael turns on the radio. "Big Pimpin'" plays.)
Michael: Fa sho'.
Oprah: What we're doing now is leaving Mike's crib and taking a tour of the Never-li-zone, which is a few hunnered yards away from his pad. Now, here we have an authentic project facility.
(The car stops by two fourty-floor project buildings. Clotheslines hang between the two buildings.)
Oprah: Now did you build this for you, or for the chirrun?
Michael: For me and the chirrun. Every fiddy days, we take chirrun from the inner cities and bring them over here. Spoiled rich kids, kids with bad attitude, kids on death row, we'll bring them here-
Oprah: To your projects?
Michael: True dat, true dat.
Oprah: Bust a Cap Foundation, Elm Street, Streetlight, yes?
Michael: E'rry fiddy days, we bring them kids here. And we let them live by themselves in tha projects.
Oprah: I see.
Michael: And they come here to live like ganstas.
Oprah: This is off the hook. These are not just any projects. This is a really dangerous neighborhood. There are some real thugs out here.
Michael: *laughs*
Oprah: I mean the Bloods, the Crips-
Michael: The Olsen Twins.
Oprah: Yeah, the Olsens, and there's even authentic project heating! It's so-
Michael: Ghetto? Thanks. It really brings out the thug in everybody. I do this so I can live like a baller and a hustler at the same time.
Oprah: Were you able to do that when you were a kid?
Michael: Not as much as I wanted to. Even the Osmonds got more hoez than I did.
Oprah: But now you beat him?
Michael: Several times over. I got hoez in all the different area codes.
Oprah: How often do you come out here and visit the projects?
Michael: I live here right now. I'm on floor 36 with MC Hammer.
Oprah: Well, is this a part of you, what we were talking about earlier, the pain of growing up and not being able to live like ghetto boys and ghetto girls, and now you have this to make up for it.
Michael: True dat, true dat.
Oprah: Stop that.
Michael: Make me.
Oprah: Can you ever really make up for it, though? Is it really as ghetto as the true thing?
Michael: (smiles) More ghetto.
Oprah: (squinting) Really?
Michael: I wouldn't go back in time and break Joseph's knees if I could, like I used to want to. I'm glad how things turned out.
Oprah: I had one too many fried chicken wings at the movie counter. Speaking of the theater, I love how pimped out it is in there.
Michael: *laughs*
Oprah: You've got E.T. shooting at the screen, Pinocchio talking back to the movie... it's like a theater in the projects!
Michael: *laughs*
Oprah: Only an out-of-work brotha did not put this together. This is off the heezy.
Michael: I like to do things fo' the chirrun and try to imitate Al Sharpton - and I am not saying I'm Al Sharpton, I'm not saying that.
Oprah: (rolls eyes) Thank God.
Michael: Right, I'm trying to imitate Al in the fact that he said to help the community, keep it in the community, shop black. And we'll have like a hunnered afroed chirrun, they're all balding, and they'll be running around, even though they only have half a fro.
Oprah: A half-fro.
Michael: Right. And they love it, and I feel hunnered that I could do this for them.
Oprah: (eating Milk Duds) Mm-hmm.
Michael: Makes a brother all warm inside.
Oprah: Well, when we were putting this special together, planning it in South Central, we had some people put cameras in the projects to watch the people who live there. And, let me tell you, you must have a real love for thug life to put in all that effort.
Michael: We got thugs with life sentence for murder.
Oprah: They can't get out on parole.
Michael: Right. They can't get out and this water, it's like water in the projects, we've got hard-ass mattresses, Red Kool-Aid in a pitcher with ice and lemons in every room, all the things I wanted as a kid. When we were young, our father forced Blue Kool-Aid on us.
Oprah: Now let me ask you-if you had not had your thughood taken away from you, do you think you'd still want to help these kids?
Michael: I'd probably forget about them.
Oprah: Really?
Michael: Yeah. I woudn't care. But I'm feelin' the way things are now.
Oprah: I remember you were draggin a few years back there after the Jheri curl went out of style and you invested in a company that made activator.
Michael: *laughs* I lost a lot of money. But now I have stock in Hawaiian Silky.
Oprah: Has that made you happier. I know it makes me happier.
Michael: Being able to be ghetto and share that mentality with the world.
Oprah: Uh-huh.
Michael: Steal Tha World Foundation, which I've formed which helps kids in getting in touch with their inner playa. We're doing Thug-Out L. A., which is uh, we have three primary goals in mind: ghettoization of chirrun, starting a big-baller big-pimpin' program, and education in activator abuse. And Rick James has teamed up with us to do Braid Atlanta and we're going to go from state to state stealing- we've taken a lot of stuff written it off as a business expense.
Oprah: I know, I know, we have photos of you braiding the hair of children all over the world.
(She shows a photo of Michael and fifty poor Filipino children with braids.)
Michael: Ain't that beautiful?
End of Part 5
 
Oprah: One of the things I was talking to you in the house about, before you caught me sticking Milk Duds in my blouse-
Michael: It almost passed me by-
Oprah:-is one of the rumors that you're faking the MoonStalk and that your bling-bling teeth are so bright, that no one can prove it.
Michael: Whatchu say?
Oprah: They think you're fakin' it.
Michael: That's a lie. Michael Jackson never fakes anything. You hear that ladies? (smiles)
Oprah: Yes, we do. You've spent so much time dispelling wack rumors. I wanted to ask you this-where did the MoonStalk come from?
Michael: Well, the MoonStalk came from these beautiful thugs, the thiefs who live in the ghetto. Anyway, I was at the ATM machine at midnight in South Central, and some suckas came up tryina rob me. So I pretend to do one of my trademark spins and when I come out of it, I punch them in the face.
Oprah: I want to see you try that out.
Michael: I don't think so.
Oprah: I want to see you dance live.
Michael: I can show you the MoonStalk, but If I do too many spins, the ice I'm wearin' is gunna slap me in the face.
Oprah: OK then.
(Michael goes on stage and dances to "I Just Can't Stop Thuggin' You." Oprah puts on headgear and a mouthpiece.)
Michael: That's the MoonStalk. You need to catch it in the front.
Oprah: (trash-talking) Whatchu gon' do, muhf****? I'm gonna f*** you up, sucka! You wanna piece o' me? You ain't s***!
Michael: Are you ready?
Oprah: (angry) Bring it on, bia-
(Michael punches out of a spin, like in "You Rock My World." He misses completely.)
Oprah: (taunting) Come on! Is that all you got, sucka? Yo' brutha! Yo mama! Yo sista!! Ask MEEEEEeeeeeee....!!
(Michael performs the move again. This time he clocks Oprah in the jaw.)
Oprah: WHUT?! Is that all? You ain't bad, you ain't nuthin'!! I'mma go Joseph on you!
(Oprah goes into a rampage, putting Michael in a headlock, and punching him in the gut.)
Oprah: Oh, now what, huh? Now what? You ain't bad, you ain't nuthin'!! Ssssss.....
(Oprah realizes the camera is watching and lets go. She composes herself and steps offstage like nothing happened.)
Oprah: *applauding* Well, I saw it live, and you took it from something you learned on the streets! And like I said, when you were here before doing the "Playgirl" centerfold-
Michael: (angry) Girl, is you crazy?!
Oprah: (takes off headgear) Of all the things they said in the tabloids, the only thing that's been true is that if you mess with me, I will f*** you up!
Michael : *laughs*
Oprah: Anyway, last time we were here, you were up all night, figuring out different poses and expreimenting with various thong th-thong thong thongs.
Michael: For "Playgirl"?
Oprah: Yes, yes.
Michael: I'm never happy with what I do. After I saw my Hotown-I'm sorry, Motown 25 performance, I cried uncontrollablly into Jermaine's lap.
Oprah: Why?
Michael: Because he was the closest nearby and I didn't want to get my clothes wet. And when I saw the performance, I realized that my hair was terrible.
Oprah: (taking out her mouthpiece) You cried after Motown 25?
Michael: Yes, but as I was walking to the car, this young Jewish boy, about 12 wanted me to autograph a picture for him. I looked at the picture and it was from about ten years before and I saw that it looked like Jermaine and I were wearing Chewbacca wigs. It looked so awful, I had to feel a lot better about how I looked during my performance.
Oprah: You felt so good, you probably wanted to say- (imitating Michael) HEE-HEE!
Michael: (annoyed) No, Oprah. Why would I want to do something stupid like that?
Oprah: (embarrassed) Well, you-I thought... (changing subject) Would you like to sing something for us a capella?
Michael: Not really. What would I sing?
Oprah: "Who Be Dat?" since we're here in the theater. Where did that "Hee-hee" thing come from? Sounds like a space filler to me. "Hee-hee."
Michael: Hee-hee! (starts the beat and makes instrument sounds to "Who Be Dat")
I gave her bling-bling,
I gave her ice.
I gave her all tha things
I thought were over-priced!
And it doesn't seem to bother,
and it doesn't seem wack,
'cause I got more dough where that came from,
I gotz much mo' than that!
Don't you diss me cause I'm ghetto,
don't you blast me 'cause I'm quick.
All the ladies here will tell you,
that my lovemaking's the sh-
Oprah: (nervous) Umm, we've got to go to a commercial. When we get back from a commercial, more with M to the *****!
Michael: Who the hell you callin' "*****", Okra?!
(Oprah tosses down her mike and rips off her jacket.)
Oprah: Aw, hell no! Oh, it's on now! (taking off earrings) Get me some Vaseline...
(Cut to a commercial.)
End of Part 6
 
OMG I remember this *ROTFL*.....priceless. thank you for the giggle! :)
 
(Oprah and Michael stand in the lobby of the theater. Oprah has some chipped teeth and smeared lipstick. Michael has a black eye.)
Oprah: One of the reasons we took a look at some of those freaky clips before we came back is to show how much Michael has done for booty videos over the years.
Michael: Yeah. The thing I didn't like about booty videos is that most of them have no plot. It's jess a bunch of big-booty hoochie-mamas dancing around in lingerie. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
(Michael gives a bright smile. One of his teeth is missing.)
Oprah: (squinting) Don't smile, please...
Michael: I wanted to do somehting with a beginning, middle, and an end, so it felt like a porno, that's what I wanted to do. And that is what we did with Beat It and Booty Thriller and Criminally Smooth and all those type of nasty things.
Oprah: So when you start to look at the music, them nasty thoughts is already going through your head?
Michael: Yes, that is very true.
Oprah: My voice has been described as Latoya Jackson meets sandpaper, so I'll never know what it's like to sing on stage before a mob of thugs, gangstas, pimps, and grandmas who were dragged along. I just wanted to tell you, the response you get from brothas around the world is unbelievable. In case you don't know what a mob of ODB-wannabes looks like, let me show you...
(Cut to an MJ concert. While Mike tries to sing on stage, a riot breaks out in the crowd. The crowd throws beer bottles, knives, and tomatoes. A pair of panties lands onstage. Michael looks to see who threw it. Roger Friedman waves at him and yells "Yoo Hoo!")
Oprah: So, when you're standing there and there's a sea of seedy people out there, what do you feel?
Michael: You feel a lot of people trying to grope you when you walk through the crowd. But you also feel tha love. I'm proud to be an instrument of Snoop Dogg.
Oprah: An instrument of Dogg. That's a ghetto way to describe yourself.
Michael: Yes, I know.
Oprah: Are you very spiritual?
Michael: You mean, do I drink a lot?
Oprah: No, do you believe in higher power?
Michael: I believe in getting your @$$ busted by the PO-lice, absolutely, absolutely, very much.
Oprah: Ouch. And I believe that everybody comes to the world for a reason. What do you think your purpose for being here is?
Michael: Whaddo I bring to da table?
Oprah: Uh-huh.
Michael: Oh, boy, to thug out in the best way I can through crime, and hard-core videos, and Cristal. I mean, I am committed to my ghetto mentality. I believe that all the projects have as their ultimate goal the union between the money and the power, the booty and the divine. I believe that to be the reason for the very existence of the ghetto.
Oprah: Interesting.
Michael: And I feel that I was chosen by whoever to set an example for the chirrun. Not the children, but the chirrun of the world. I'm 'unnered to be an instrument of poverty.
Oprah: Do you think that by not denying that you have strong thug roots, that you won't have to worry about being shot at a stoplight as much?
Michael: I would hope so. My security would love that.
Oprah: I hope that happens too. (muttering) So I can beat yo' punk-@$$ in, you mutha-(realizing) Oh. Anyways,we thought this would be a good time to premiere the "Give Me Some Time" video. So here it is...
(Cut to the world premiere of "Give Me Some Time.")
Oprah: So, we want to know how it starts on the back of a Budweiser label-back that thang up-and turns into that.
Michael: Well, Give Me Some Time, I wanted to write a song, with kind of a big booty edge to it, one that was a salute to all tha women who rejected me over the years. And Slash, who's my n****, we love Courvoisier and drinks like that, he wanted to get hammered and I wanted him to get hammered. We got together and we went to Germany, because they have a lot of beer there, and shot it in one hour. Michael Jackson is no one-minute man. We wanted it to be exciting and funky and bootylicious and the fans, it's like a keg party.
Oprah: You mentioned Courvoisier. I know everyone's going to ask me when I leave here, what in the world is in that room? Whatchu got in that room? I said at the start that I expected there to be a bangin' party, where the thugs at? Where are the partying animals? Doesn't Bubbles have wild parties?
Michael: *laughs* Well, the animals are everywhere and they're ghetto, too. You'll see them drinkin' and rappin' and bustin' caps, brading their fur, getting they groove on...
Oprah: Why do you like seeing the animals thuggin' so much?
Michael: Because I find in animals the same thing I find so off-da-hook in chirrun. They jess wanna have a good time. They don't care about how much money you have, who you are, as long as you can hang with the best of them.
Oprah: I feel you, ma n****.
Michael: Don't say that.
Oprah: We'll be back in the Never-li-zone after this break.
(Another Heineken commercial airs. This time a kid wanders backstage into Mike's dressing room before a concert. The kid picks up an afro pick from a drawer and stares at it in amazement. Michael, surrounded by several women, busts in the room, and takes the pick out of the kid's hand. He sticks it in his 'fro and walks onstage with the women, chugging a Heineken. The kid watches backstage until security picks him up and drags him out of the stadium. Michael flashes a peace sign to the camera and smiles.)
End of Part 7


Announcer: Mizzey Jizzey gives Oprah a shout-out. Fiddy-nine minutes with the King of Thug, primetime style, fo' real.
Oprah: We're live at Mizzey's crib, in his thugged-out theater and we asked BET for an hour. I think it was too much.
Michael: *laughs*
Oprah: I don't think we have to worry about the rumors anymore though: you did not try to buy Eazy E's bones-
Michael: *laughs*
Oprah: No permanent activator in the house. I don't know, are you going to lay off the crotch a little bit?
Michael: *laughs* Ask Lisa Marie.
Oprah: Ask Lisa Marie will you lay off the crotch. That's awful. Oh, we didn't get to the Source Awards. Did you tell D'Angelo that you had to be the only one with corn rows?
Michael: I really don't feel who ever made that up. That's the most wack, uncool, bogus thing I ever heard. I'm the one who told him to get the corn rows in the first place. I don't mind if he rips off my style as long as I don't see him wit' a Jheri curl in his next video.
Oprah: What do you want the world to know about Mizzey Jizzey?
Michael: You mean like personal info? Like my number?
Oprah: We'd like that, but I mean to be remembered by after P. Diddy does a lame tribute to you.
Michael: I'd like them to know that I was the original gangsta and that Billie Jean was never my shorty. She was jess some hoochie who said I'm her baby's daddy. But I ain't neva seen that kid befo'.
Oprah: Interesting. You know, Denzel asks me this all the time on my show. His cologne also smells better than your does... (fantasizes) mmm. And I love the question, so I am going to ask you...
Michael: Whut?
Oprah: You're fohdy-tree years old. Whatchu know-I mean, what do you know for sure?
Michael: Hmm. What do I know for sure?
Oprah: I just said that.
Michael: Oh, boy, I know business fa sho', what with my "In The Closet" clothing line. I like to think that I know more about being country/ghetto than anyone else.
Oprah: I cain't thank you enough for not smiling long enough to let me regain my vision. I wish you all the cognac in the world. I loved being here because it made me feel like the black person I used to be. I promised myself that when the interview was over-live around the 'hood- I'm gonna freak-dance with Bubbles the monkey!
Michael: Freaky.
Oprah: That is exactly what i'm gunna do, I'm gon' put on my snakeskin pants, my hoop earrings, and get my freak on.
Michael: G'on girl.
Oprah: I'll have a good time and stuff some more Milk Duds in my blouse, and maybe when it's all over, you'll teach me how to do the MoonStalk in private-(winks) when ain't no one gonna stop me from bustin yo' @$$...
Michael: That sound like a challenge to me.
Oprah: Yeah! You gon' get it!
Michael: After your weave, Okrah.
Oprah: (angry) WHUT?! (rips off her jacket) Oh, that's it, you and me, RIGHT NOW!!
(Oprah and Michael duke it out. Bubbles and a female chimpanzee walk by, carrying bottles of Heineken.)
End of the interview.

By Dave S. (lostchirrun)
©2002
http://www.geocities.com/Davis71005/oprah.txt
 
Thank you for sharing. Michael himself would laugh his ass off if he reads this in heaven!

In daily situations, he probably has the same accent and pronunciation. I heard some fans say he's got that "ghetto accent" cuz that's where he came from. I know he was taught to change that during the Motown days. The charming school and stuff. To speak different from the way he usually speak among friends and family when he does interviews and speeches, etc.
 
I never thought Michael talked with a "ghetto" accent, even as a child. Michael was a black American and that was reflected in his language and speech pattern. I think in the time in which he was growing up, most black Americans spoke like he spoke, so, of course, he would speak that way. If anything, he had a very "soulful" accent (and I'm not trying to be pc) as a child that he used later probably when speaking to family and intimate friends.

I always enjoy hearing him speak. He goes between using (very heartwarming and gently-spoken, imo) black American vernacular (aka "ebonics") and standard American English, depending on the context. This happens with most black Americans. Code switching, it's called.
 
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I haven't read all this yet. But I love hearing MJ say 'Giiirrrl..' like he does on those tapes with Glenda
 
this thing never gets old
 
An old @ss fan here.. OMG it was like reading it for the first time I laughed so much. I didn't remember half of it....sure it hasn't been changed? The lyrics to Who Be Dat :D Gee...
 
Music&Me said:
I never thought Michael talked with a "ghetto" accent, even as a child. Michael was a black American and that was reflected in his language and speech pattern. I think in the time in which he was growing up, most black Americans spoke like he spoke, so, of course, he would speak that way.

I always enjoy hearing him speak. He goes between using (very heartwarming and gently-spoken, imo) black American vernacular (aka "ebonics") and standard American English, depending on the context. This happens with most black Americans. Code switching, it's called.
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This is very true! I can totally relate...funny interview though.
 
Glad you guys got a much-needed laugh out of it! :lol:

raingirl said:
An old @ss fan here.. OMG it was like reading it for the first time I laughed so much. I didn't remember half of it....sure it hasn't been changed? The lyrics to Who Be Dat :D Gee...
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Totally 100% unchanged. :D

"You're a TERRIBLE man" Award for Thug of the Century
"Gon' Kill US!" Award for Evading Suge Knight
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:lol:
 
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