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I'm a nervous wreck

raingirl

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I feel like I'm a nervous wreck. Like I'm gonna explode at anytime. I feel terrible. There's a lot of hate and frustration that I'm feeling. I'm also depressed.
I think this all started a year ago when I lost my job. At that time I was almost happy to be "let go", because the work schedule was killing me. It was early mornings, evenings and the worst of all, nights. I had a burn out when I left. The summer was stressing even though I didn't do much, tried to find something to do and spent a lot of time at our summer cottage. But it was a lousy summer, cold and raining all the time.
I found a course at an adult education center and at first I was really excited about it. I thought I'd get good skills at sales and stuff and find a job too, but how wrong was I. Too late I discovered that it wasn't the course for me. It would have coused me more financial trouble to drop out so I just had to keep going. In february I had an anxiety attack, stress or whatever and went to the doctor. I got 10 days of sick leave and later 6 days more, but I couldn't really rest. I was really close to drop out of the course, no matter what it would have done to my finance situation.
I was in touch with my teacher the whole time and he arranged me a new job training place at a warehouse. The job was easy but boring as hell and it didn't help that my primary work mates didn't like me. I got the feeling that they didn't want anyone interfearing in their job. Besides there already was like 5 other trainers so nobody really cared what they were doing.
Now the course that started in last september is finished. I made it. But my nerves are gone. My selfesteem is at all time low. I'm more depressed than ever. I don't even want to find a job, at least not right now, I need to rest. I don't think my nerves could cope with a new job or anything like that right now. I really don't care.
I get these terrible anger fits. I try to control myself but sometimes I just have to scream. And since I live alone with my dogs they are the ones to whom I yell at. The smallest things. Muddy pawns, barking, destroying something.
I thought that I'd wait and see for a couple of more weks and see if my nerves calm down since the course, that I believe made it all worse, is over. If not then I guess I must go and see a doc again and ask for some calming drugs. They are the last thing that I want but I don't want to feel this way much longer. I think I've lost my sence of humor too. Very few thing make me laugh and I'm just not my happy self.
Thanks for letting me share this with you all.



Tired of injustice
Tired of the schemes
Kinda disgusted
So what does it mean
Kicking me down
I got to get up
As jacked as it sounds
The whole system sucks

Peek in the shadow
Come into the light
You tell me I'm wrong
Then you better prove you're right
You're sellin' out souls but
I care about mine
I've got to get stronger
And I won't give up the fight

With such confusions don't it make you wanna scream

Make you wanna scream

Your bash abusin' victimize within the scheme

You try to cope with every lie they scrutinize

Somebody please have mercy 'cause I just can't take it
Stop pressurin' me
Just stop pressurin' me
Stop pressurin' me
Make me wanna scream
Stop pressurin' me
Just stop pressurin' me
Stop pressurin' me
Make you just wanna scream

Tired of you tellin' the story your way
You're causin' confusion
You think it's okay

Keep changin' the rules
While you're playin' the game
I can't take it much longer
I think I might go insane

With such confusion don't it make you wanna scream

Make you wanna scream

Your bash abusin' victimize within the scheme

You find your pleasure scandalizin' every lie

Oh father, please have mercy 'cause I just can't take it
Stop pressurin' me
Just stop pressurin' me
Stop pressurin' me
Make me wanna scream
Stop pressurin' me
Just stop pressurin' me
Stop fuckin' with me
Make me wanna scream

"Oh my God, can't believe what I saw
As I turned on the TV this evening
I was disgusted by all the injustice
All the injustice"

"All the injustice"

With such collusions don't it make you wanna scream
Your bash abusin' victimize within the scheme

You try to cope with every lie they scrutinize

Oh brother please have mercy 'cause I just can't take it
Stop pressurin' me
Just stop pressurin' me
Stop pressurin' me
Make me wanna scream
Stop pressurin' me
Just stop pressurin' me
Stop pressurin' me
Make me wanna scream
 
Hey, Raingirl! Sounds like you feel just awful, and I'm SO sorry. Lost your sense of humor, TOO! Wow.

Can you post more, but in the Support Forum? It would be easier to find your posts there and I want to keep talking to you! (PM me if you want?)

I will say, though, that sometimes "calming medication" does turn a situation around, as well as someone to talk to. It's possible that a series of turns of bad luck can affect moods so that they feel permanent. I've been low myself, but it DOES pass. I know it's hard to imagine that now, but it DOES.

Probably the most serious thing here is anger problems, especially around animals. Your dogs must feel like they're in trouble all the time!

Do you have friends you can vent to? Maybe there will be someone -- a friend, a medical professional, counselor, someone. . . . .who can help you sort out the employment situation and when that resolves, your mood will improve?

So sorry you feel so badly. I DO understand. Post again in the Support Forum?

Take care,

Victoria
 
there has to be a search for what you do best. it's not worth it to go any other way, cus eventually, you will lose money, anyway, if you try something that doesn't fit you. doing what you love for less is a release. doing what you hate for more money can be emotionally destructive. don't let anybody stop you from being yourself. it's amazing how your money will catch up if you get paid less for something you love, cus you'll keep doing it. if there is any way you can search inside yourself to know what you do best, it's worth the trouble. at least, it can make you happier. here's hoping you find that. and then, eventually, you can find a way to ask for more money, doing what you love.
 
OK let's take a look at some things you've done so far even though you probably don't look at it the positive way.

Here we go:
- going to work dispite the difficulties, it's good you didn't stay there, you wanted something that will make you feel better;
- going to a course - good step, you wanted to improve your skills and find a better job. Sometimes we learn the hard way, but now you know what you don't want, keep going forward;
- you decided to spend some time in a summer cottage - great to relax, good move, too, try to REALLY enjoy it next time;
- you kept in touch with your teacher and started doing something else.
You're not thrilled, but you continued the search.

And all that is much better than staying at one place that does you no good.

I support your thought of paying your doctor another visit and taking calming pills.
Enough sleep, healthy food, talking to your family and friends will be helpful.
Please do all that. OK? Let us know how you feel after that.

Your pets should be a comfort zone, wonderful moments for all of you to enjoy.
Start spending quality time with your dogs instead of taking out your anger on them, they are true friends, appreciate them more.

It is important to have a job you enjoy, don't give up.

But first, you need to calm down and rest and clear your mind.
Start taking those steps!

I suggest a short movie -The Secret- It will make you feel better and remind you of the law of attraction.


All the best,
S.
 
I think I heard somewhere that exercise helps cheer a person up. I know it can't solve your problems but maybe regular exercise can be a thing that helps improve your mood. Something to do with endorphins ... I think staying cooped up a lot can help a person feel down. Do you know what I mean?
 
Raingirl, if you can, talk to a trained/licensed counselor of some sort.

Sometimes just talking it out with a professional of some type helps to release anxiety. Someone listening to you "unload" in a non-judgemental but professional way could help diffuse some of the anxiety, and/or suggest someone that would be most appropriate to deal with specific issues.

Check out the varying modes of treatment by a licensed counselor/psychologist/psychiatrist and decide which sounds best suited to your specific issues. Each branch offers treatment/suggestions uniquely specific to their focus, it's just finding which one is right for you right now.

Wishing you the very best in working with what you are feeling right now-
and hoping that you can find the option best suited to your specific circumstances. Sometimes just reaching out and verbalizing what you're feeling, as you are now in this thread, may be helpful in some way. Just know that there is support out there, whichever road you chose to take.
 
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I've moved this to the support forum.

It may sound corny but I've always leaned heavily on Michael's voice to help me through the rough times. I think between a counselor and MJ's voice we can overcome most things. It's very important to find someone in your area to talk with - someone who knows more about listening and positive reinforcement.

Giving ya a big cyber HUG!
 
Thanks, everyone, for helping. Keep it coming. Many people have faced dark times in their lives, and help sometimes comes from unexpected places.

I'm so HAPPY that you have animals (your dogs) This might sound weird, but in addition to the other suggestions, TALK to them? Tell them what is going on with you? Pet the animals. Touch them. Try to relax. You have a lifetime ahead of you, and this, too, shall pass.

peace,

Victoria
 
You need to rest. Best would be to really find a rest to do it with a friend... a person you like to spend your time with, a person you trust and you like to talk with but also a person you like to be quiet with.

I think you've done amazingly good and strong in finishing that course, wow, congratulations.

It's best now to find yourself back in this... find out what your chances are, find out what's the chance you'd like to try the most etc....
but therefore you need some time and it would be good to not spend it all alone, or even only with your dogs.
To me it sounds very much you're feeling very alone in your situation there. Does your friends and/or your family know how you feel? Tell them if possible please.

Yes of cuz a councelor or a psychologist or someone else professional does know lots of possibilities and ways for you but at the end they do not know you... well it's possible to go to them and yes maybe a smart move but it's you who knows if that's needed.
 
Hi, again.
I feel a bit better today, hopefully even more better tomorrow. I wasn't at a good mood this morning but this afternoon I took something that took the sharpest edge off of my mind.
I have some friends to whom I can talk to and vent, and my mom too, She's great, but at the moment she has her own concerns so I don't want to worry her too much.
Probably the most serious thing here is anger problems, especially around animals. Your dogs must feel like they're in trouble all the time!
Click to expand...
Your pets should be a comfort zone, wonderful moments for all of you to enjoy.
Start spending quality time with your dogs instead of taking out your anger on them, they are true friends, appreciate them more.
Click to expand...
I really feel bad about it if I've been yelling at them. I don't always yell at them, just at things but they can't understand it. My whippet gets more upset than my other dog. I know that I must fix our bond together and start training him and my puppy too.
I'm so HAPPY that you have animals (your dogs) This might sound weird, but in addition to the other suggestions, TALK to them? Tell them what is going on with you? Pet the animals. Touch them. Try to relax. You have a lifetime ahead of you, and this, too, shall pass.
Click to expand...
My dogs are everything to me. I didn't want to leave them alone at home for 7 hours every day when I went to school or work but it's something most of us have to do.
I'm gonna start spending quality time with my dogs and be nice to them. The best way of relaxing is to go for a walk with them or just sit and watch TV with them.

I've been thinking that I should start writing a diary again. That may help a bit. I used to write a diary when I was in my teens.
 
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Hey Raingirl! Thanks for posting again. I'm glad to see that you seem to be doing better. Yeah, quality time with the dogs sounds like a good idea, as does journaling. Keep checking back here and let us know how you're doing?

peace,

Victoria
 
:( Bad news. My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. Luckily it's only a small tumour and the doctors should get it out with an easy operation. But it'll take time for her to recover from the operation and she'll need my help in everyday things. Of course I'll help her and I've already started to search for an appartment closer to her. But all this will affect our summer plans and the worst case scenario would be for me to miss my This Is It concert in August, maybe it won't go that far but :( *sigh*
I had a good day so far but now I'm just feeling sad and disappointed mostly in myself.
 
(hug) raingirl, i'm sorry about your mom's diagnosis, but it's good she can be helped. i worry how this will affect you? hope you have found someone to talk to face to face. im sorry these are such dark times for you. i will keep you in my thoughts. hope you keep doing better.
 
Oh sheeeeeesh I'm feeling for you. You'll both be in my prayers.

Maybe your mom can make it even without chemo therapy or something?

From my own mom having cancer twice and it seems at least for now successfully got over it I know a lot of changes will come for you and I can only tell you for me it was best to take it step by step. There's a lot of anxiety and fears connected to this... but try to focus on every day really as it shows up. I experienced it that I worried about too many things... all of them could have happened but not really in one life... usually we worry so much and not half of our worries ever come true.

Look around for support. To me it helped to have ppl to talk BUT not ppl who tend to talk all the time about cancer then or who constantly feel the need to tell me how amazingly I manage everything or bla. You need ppl who are just able to be with you and shut up when needed... maybe just stay with you over night only cuz you can't sleep... or someone who'd go shopping for you... or someone who'll look for your mom for that you'll just have some time for yourself. Gather ppl like that.
Also take the freedom to be absolutely honest to these ppl. If someone is annoying you need to tell them to leave you alone no matter who they are! For now focus on your mom and yourself.

I wish your mom and you lots of strength and all the best. It's good you have eachother. Keep the faith!
 
cry

rant on: :mat:

Hi again. I think it's ok if I keep writing here because everything is connected.

My mom went trought the surgery to have the cancer removed from her lung everything went really well and she was released from the hospital only 4 days later. And still no chemo therapy for her they believe she don't need it.

But here's the thing, she is fragile and needs time to heal. I understand that and I have been helping her wih things.

I just talked to her about my upcoming trip to London for August 12th concert and to see my friend in Southampton on the same trip. She thinks I should cancel the whole trip because of shortage of money (I'm unemployed at the moment but on a low budget I believe I could manage it, especially if I get a job later this year) and because she might not be able to look after my two dogs while I'm gone. I feel like crying and screaming now. If she can't take care of my dogs I don't know what to do. There is a dog hotel near by but it's gonna cost and it would be the last solution I'd take. I might get one dog to its breeder but I haven't asked her yet. And mom might cope ok with my whippet or I may find him a place too.
I know there is still time, anything can happen. I just pray that I get to go to atleast to the concert...just a couple of days.
*Rant off* :ph34r: :frustrated:

Let me just say one more thing. As much as I love my mom she makes me mad. She always says how I should be more social and go and do things but when I tell that I'm planing to go she says no. She makes up a reason. It always happens when it has something to do with Michael. I don't know if she does it on purpose or not.
 
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Can you leave the dogs with a neigbour or a friend? Let her know that you really need to go on this trip to recharge your batteries. While you're away can some relatives & friends look in on her?
 
raingirl... I don't know I mean how old are you, is it still that important what others think about you being a Michael Jackson fan?

As much as I think it needs to be very much respected that your mom is of fragile health and can't help you with your dogs, I don't think it's her business what you're doing with your money also I wouldn't care at all what she thinks about Michael or even you being a Michael Jackson fan.
Though let me also say pretty clear I do understand her worries when you rely on getting a job later this year, which you simply don't have yet. That sounds to me pretty risky like spending money you don't have yet already. And even more I would understand your mom if it's her who has to help you out with money at times. A life threatening disease like cancer brings up lots of anxiety and fear. What if it comes back? What if I'll need more than the usual care? Will my insurances pay everything I really need? What if I can't be there for my children anymore? etc. etc. etc. Money for many ppl means security not only for themselves but also for their beloved ones.
I have lots of understanding for your mom honestly, so please don't expect her to help you cuz now it's the time she needs support and help. She might went pretty good through operation and she might doesn't even need chemo, that's wonderful for now... still recovery from cancer physically and even more psychologically needs lots of time and lots of patience.

Still I think it's your business, your responsibility what you're doing with your money.
But as I said before you need support and help also from others... from family and/or friends... you need to look for these ppl. Maybe you should look for a group of ppl relatives of cancer patients... yes indeed this is the time to socialize and look for help.
Can't believe there's noone else around who can't take care of your dogs.
 
Love.him said:
Can you leave the dogs with a neigbour or a friend? Let her know that you really need to go on this trip to recharge your batteries. While you're away can some relatives & friends look in on her?
Click to expand...
Well there is one friend who sort of promised that she could take both of my dogs but she lives some 400kilometers away on a farm. And I still haven't directly asked any others for help.
Mechi said:
raingirl... I don't know I mean how old are you, is it still that important what others think about you being a Michael Jackson fan?
Click to expand...
Well the funny thing is that I am almost 30 and live on my own. I don't care what she thinks of me, Michael and me being a fan, that's not the point but I wish she'd support me on this. She says that she's ok, I don't need to be there for her 24/7.
And I have some savings so I'm not totally broke...yet :D
 
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