I'd like some advice please!

[Stranger]

Hello!

I wanted to ask for some advice from you guys, if that's ok?

As a child, I had this friend who I felt quite close to (I'm a girl by the way). We were school friends, but because of this sense of inadequacy I experienced as a child, I didn't feel equal to her. Its kind of difficult to explain without sounding somewhat pathetic. I had other friends and there were no similar feelings that arose from those friendships. I'm not sure why, but I felt sort of anxious that I was going to lose her friendship.

As we moved to high school (or secondary school as we say in the UK), we stayed friends but drifted apart (we weren't very close, but we were still good friends). Things were fine and when we turned 17 we became closer again. Then it came time to leave school at 18 and we promised to keep in touch.

So I called her a few times and we met up infrequently (with our other friends) and the years drifted by (lol). I began to tutor her younger brother (who's a great kid by the way). But then it suddenly dawned on me that the only reason we were still friends was becuase of me. Let me elaborate here.

We're 23 now and the past 5 years, it has been just me who calls her, me who initiates any form of communication etc. She has never made a phone call, an email and date for us to meet up. It has always been me making the effort. She always says that I'm one of her oldest and dearest friends, yet even at her brother's wedding, she invited her other friends, not me. She didn't tell me about any of the wonderful things that have happened in her life, including finding a fantastic job, her sister's pregnancy etc. When I'm over to teach her little brother, she never comes out of her room to even say hello. She doesnt even ask how he's doing in his studies either (nor do his parents come to think of it).

In fact, if I'm honest with myself, I know that I mean very little to her, whilst she means a hell of a lot to me. Its very unequal. I sometimes think the only reason she thinks of me as a friend is because she hasnt known anyone as long as me. We met when we were 8 and now we're 23, which means its been 15 years. Could it just be our history that keeps us friends? And could it be that those feelings of low self esteem I had when I met her have kept me wanting to stay friends? After all, I don't worry about no contact with anyone else or any other friends. Its just with her.

What I'm trying to say is do you think I'm making a mistake by trying to hold on to her, when she has made no effort? Should I just give up trying?

I'd like your thoughts on this as I need an outside perspective.

Thank you

 

[man.in.the.mirror]

i had a friend who was exactly the same as your friend,we were best friends in school,we were still friends when we left school,used to go out clubbing and stuff like that,but even then she was always full of her own self importance,like for example,if we had a remark off the oppisite sex,she would always say they were referring to her,

this will make you laugth,we went out one night and a group of guys went past,and they say one of them looks like julia roberts,and i said,they must be talking about me,because i had brown hair,my friend was blonde,
and she said in response,why would they be talking about you,huh
so i was quite quick witted i said to her,the only time julia roberts had blonde hair was when she was the prostitute in pretty woman,
anyway back then she was always the same,would never phone unless i phoned her,eventually i decided to stop ringing her all together,to see if she would ring me,

eventuially i got married,and 6 months ago i bumped into her after not seeing her for about 10yrs we had a little chat,and we exchanged email addresses,she emailed me once and then i emailed her back,never heard from her again since,
now i am a lot older and wiser,i think to myself ,she is no more important than i am so sod her,it,s her loss,

you should adapt the same attitude,true friend don,t act like that,
my sister has a best friend ,they go way back to infant school,they have stuck by each other through thick and thin and are still the best of friends now,

if your friend doesn,t want to make the effort that you are putting in then shes not worth it.

 

[Stranger]

Thanks for your opinion man in the mirror. Its what I was thinking too, but I dont know..still confused..

 

[Superstition]

Unfortunately, all the clues seem to point to this girl telling you that your friendship would be in the past if it was up to her.

I'm sure she still thinks highly of you, but she likely sees the friendship as more of a job than a convenience.

I'm not a psychologist, nor am I even in your position to say for certain, but if you're the one reaching out to her and not vice-versa, that's the biggest clue of all. I would try to make new friends and move on, and if your paths cross again, great.

 

[Mechi]

Hello!

I wanted to ask for some advice from you guys, if that's ok?

As a child, I had this friend who I felt quite close to (I'm a girl by the way). We were school friends, but because of this sense of inadequacy I experienced as a child, I didn't feel equal to her. Its kind of difficult to explain without sounding somewhat pathetic. I had other friends and there were no similar feelings that arose from those friendships. I'm not sure why, but I felt sort of anxious that I was going to lose her friendship.

As we moved to high school (or secondary school as we say in the UK), we stayed friends but drifted apart (we weren't very close, but we were still good friends). Things were fine and when we turned 17 we became closer again. Then it came time to leave school at 18 and we promised to keep in touch.

So I called her a few times and we met up infrequently (with our other friends) and the years drifted by (lol). I began to tutor her younger brother (who's a great kid by the way). But then it suddenly dawned on me that the only reason we were still friends was becuase of me. Let me elaborate here.

We're 23 now and the past 5 years, it has been just me who calls her, me who initiates any form of communication etc. She has never made a phone call, an email and date for us to meet up. It has always been me making the effort. She always says that I'm one of her oldest and dearest friends, yet even at her brother's wedding, she invited her other friends, not me. She didn't tell me about any of the wonderful things that have happened in her life, including finding a fantastic job, her sister's pregnancy etc. When I'm over to teach her little brother, she never comes out of her room to even say hello. She doesnt even ask how he's doing in his studies either (nor do his parents come to think of it).

In fact, if I'm honest with myself, I know that I mean very little to her, whilst she means a hell of a lot to me. Its very unequal. I sometimes think the only reason she thinks of me as a friend is because she hasnt known anyone as long as me. We met when we were 8 and now we're 23, which means its been 15 years. Could it just be our history that keeps us friends? And could it be that those feelings of low self esteem I had when I met her have kept me wanting to stay friends? After all, I don't worry about no contact with anyone else or any other friends. Its just with her.

What I'm trying to say is do you think I'm making a mistake by trying to hold on to her, when she has made no effort? Should I just give up trying?

I'd like your thoughts on this as I need an outside perspective.

Thank you

Do what you feel is right for you.
If you want to call her, then call her. She can hung up the phone if she doesn't like that.
If you do not want to call her, then do not call her. She can call you if she wants to talk to you.

Make yourself a bit independent from what is coming back. Listen to your inner voice and follow your needs.

If she's not giving you a nice feeling ask yourself why you still want her to be a friend. Maybe you're scared to be without her?
Then please know, the world is full of wonderfull ppl who'd be happy with a nice friend like you and you'll find them BUT you of cuz need to look for them... go out meet other ppl.
Just know always it is not ok if someone doesn't treat you nice, or is just giving you all the time difficult or awkward feelings. Do not start to tolerate that, do not start to make excusations... it is not ok.