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I think I'm loosing my mind...

pawlinka

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I just don't know what is happening to me... since all that happened I was crying so much and I was so upset. but now it seems like my mind doesn't accept what happened, right now I don't even cry, I feel like it was another untrue story and he will be back in next few days. I try to understand that he's gone and my mind doesn't get it, I can't imagine him being not alive, and I feel so strange because I've been feeling like that for 5 hours or sth like that and before I was devastated. now it's like "it's ok, he'll be fine as always" I hate that feeling... I can't raise my mind to think properly, it just doesn't accept it.
 
pawlinka, I understand what you are feeling. We are all in shock. I think our emotions will go wild for awhile as each one of us finds the best way to cope. It may not be soon. . . . . but already I find that I'm much better off with friends. Getting out and doing things, no matter how minor. Being around other people seems to help. Turning to friends in the MJJC family will help, too.

I'm not sure what else to say to you, except that people CAN survive losses. The intense pain I know you are feeling will not always be this intense. The feelings that he is "ok" give you some peace for awhile? I do believe the soul/spirit goes on. I believe that he is not in pain. I believe that he feels our love. I have no "rational" reason to believe that he feels our love. .. but that is what I think.
 
pawlinka said:
I just don't know what is happening to me... since all that happened I was crying so much and I was so upset. but now it seems like my mind doesn't accept what happened, right now I don't even cry, I feel like it was another untrue story and he will be back in next few days. I try to understand that he's gone and my mind doesn't get it, I can't imagine him being not alive, and I feel so strange because I've been feeling like that for 5 hours or sth like that and before I was devastated. now it's like "it's ok, he'll be fine as always" I hate that feeling... I can't raise my mind to think properly, it just doesn't accept it.
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It's okay. You're not losing your mind. Denial or feeling emotionally numb or detached is a mechanism our brains sometimes use to protect us from further pain or distress. Trust me, I know all about this from personal experience. You will adjust. It just might take some time.
 
pawlinka said:
I just don't know what is happening to me... since all that happened I was crying so much and I was so upset. but now it seems like my mind doesn't accept what happened, right now I don't even cry, I feel like it was another untrue story and he will be back in next few days. I try to understand that he's gone and my mind doesn't get it, I can't imagine him being not alive, and I feel so strange because I've been feeling like that for 5 hours or sth like that and before I was devastated. now it's like "it's ok, he'll be fine as always" I hate that feeling... I can't raise my mind to think properly, it just doesn't accept it.
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Its only the 3rd day... It will take time.
 
I know how you feel.

When I was at the O2 on friday, I kept seeing the huge video screen saying the dates of Michael and it really just wasn't sinking in. :(
 
*hugs*
it's happening with me as well. until last night i could not stop crying, but today i hardly shed a tear. i just feel numb. a couple of my friends called me today, as i picked up the phone, i knew what they were going to say, but asked them not to mention it, but still it brought tears back to my eyes. and my aunt came up to me and said she's heard what happened.. i just turned and walked away, did not want to talk about it. i'm just not accepting it. i'm denying it.
i know when it's gonna hit me the hardest - when his family will say the last goodbyes at the funeral. i wish i could just close my eyes and disappear to a place where noone talks about it and no pictures can be seen or no music is played, but i know i will be glued to the tv/computer screen and won't stop bawling.
 
I don't want to believe it either and I try not to think about it but I'm still sad and I hate that I have to pretend like everything's fine and smile and talk about stupid things with my mother in law .... She knows I'm upset but she doesn't really understand...
 
Liva said:
*hugs*
it's happening with me as well. until last night i could not stop crying, but today i hardly shed a tear. i just feel numb. a couple of my friends called me today, as i picked up the phone, i knew what they were going to say, but asked them not to mention it, but still it brought tears back to my eyes. and my aunt came up to me and said she's heard what happened.. i just turned and walked away, did not want to talk about it. i'm just not accepting it. i'm denying it.
i know when it's gonna hit me the hardest - when his family will say the last goodbyes at the funeral. i wish i could just close my eyes and disappear to a place where noone talks about it and no pictures can be seen or no music is played, but i know i will be glued to the tv/computer screen and won't stop bawling.
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yes I think it will be the hardest but right now I feel so stupid... I even would like to cry rather that feeling nothing special... I've just talked to another fan and she says she was also crying and now she feels the same and she also feels so stupid so maybe it's normal feeling I don't know I've never experiance that before. maybe it's because they didn't show him yet like f.ex. they did during james brown funeral, I don't accept it. God I'm angry with myself really...
 
do not be angry, it's just the way it is, just what Nova said - your mind is trying to save you, it's blocking the pain. I've experienced the same numbness before with family members' deaths. it hurts so much you can not feel a thing.
 
I think I am going crazy too! One moment I can't see his face or listen his voice because I cry and cry until I can't breath...30 minutes later I so want to see him, I am watching MTV and want to see the videos like I never seen it before... and then I start again crying until I can't breath...
 
Im loosing it BIG TIME! I cant eat properly all i eat are sweets and energy drinks to keep me going.
Ive shaved my hair off for a fresh start because i cant be around anything that i had prior to MJ's passing.
I vowed to myself i will make it until the funeral and then im finished on this earth.
 
^ You can't think like that, what good would it do to Michael if you do something like that, it won't bring him back. Just talk to ppl, it's hard to get through this but you will eventually. You just have to be strong.
 
Don't sit around the computer/TV thinking about it all the time. Go to work, go to church, the grocery store... whatever. Just get away from it all for a little bit. Be around people. Call up your friends & try to take your mind off of it. Today was my first day back at work since Thursday and it was the best thing for me.
 
yes I know, I call the other fans and it helps and I'm not thinking about doing something bad to myslef but my feelings just went crazy, 5 minutes ago I was crying and now my mind is closed again, like I didn't have any feelings...but I know Michael wouldn't like me to be like that all the time, I think it would bring relief if we could do something to celebrate him and his life like charity or sth to help children f.ex...
 
guys...you are NOT loony, not crazy. you are experiencing grief. grief is full on, intense, overwhelming, totally f***ed. But it WILL lessen with time and eventually heal. How long it takes is different for everyone as is the rollercoaster that takes us on the grief journey. Hold on & hang in there.

I have been suicidal before and I have been through grief before. It is totally overwhelming and crap. But it DOES get better. With time.

Michael would feel awful, so awful, to see his death causing more deaths, suicides, and more grief. Michael went thru enough crap in his life, PLEASE :angel: let's not give him anymore!!! :no: Michael went through horrid stuff, and must have felt worse than what we feel now at his lowest points. But even then he did not give up, his life fell & he picked it up & kept on going.

We can do this together. Emotions of grief ARE intense, they ARE shit. but we can survive them, we have to, for Michael and for our loved ones and cos WE ARE THE ONES whose job it is to ensure Michael is NOT forgotten :yes: ......IT IS UP TO US!!!!!! It is up to US to keep his spirit and memory and music alive and celebrate it. Let's do it.

Yes try & get out into life & not dwell TOTALLY on despair. On the other hand, don't expect everyone (or even anyone) out there to understand your grief. If they have never been a fan they may well think you are loony. :D that's cool, just come & let it all out here, we understand!! :yes: ((((big hugs)))
 
that's exactly how I feel
when I heard he didn't make it I started thinking maybe I'm dreaming, maybe I'm asleep right now and this is one of those dreams where you can't tell if you're asleep or not I actually thought that...I still think that when I see footage of him alive, it's like I can't rely on my mind anymore
I also thought maybe his death is a sensational story, that he was sick but still alive and some news agency leaked that info to take advantage of the situation and then find an excuse say it was a mistake
 
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pawlinka said:
I just don't know what is happening to me... since all that happened I was crying so much and I was so upset. but now it seems like my mind doesn't accept what happened, right now I don't even cry, I feel like it was another untrue story and he will be back in next few days. I try to understand that he's gone and my mind doesn't get it, I can't imagine him being not alive, and I feel so strange because I've been feeling like that for 5 hours or sth like that and before I was devastated. now it's like "it's ok, he'll be fine as always" I hate that feeling... I can't raise my mind to think properly, it just doesn't accept it.
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I'm feeling the same.I just can't tell to myself - He's Gone!I can't !I feel that he will be back.With new outfit - all black.He will sing and dance.Smile to us.I think i'm going mad too.I can't feel pain anymore.My soul tells me that he will be back and he will be perfect.I'm in strange depression and I'm in panic laugh for something i don't know ! I caN'T cry anymore! He is still somewhere there for me!Waiting for the first shows.Oh God HELP ME!
 
I think i'm losing it too...I just keep thinking of Britney's song "Everytime"

"Everytime I try to fight I fall without my wings, I feel so small. I guess I need you baby..."
 
You know, all I did Thursday night and Friday was watch CNN and read things on the Internet and it was starting to really get to me. On Saturday I went out to a party and it really helped me. I think that getting out of the house and doing something that will take your mind off of it for a while helps a lot.

Michael taught us that we need to be strong (and as he always said have rhinocerous skin). We are all one big family here and we can get through this.
 
God I wish I could meet you all, I think together we could do amazing things, we can't waste our love to Michael, we need to do something for others, for those who need help, for children. We need to follow Michael this is our duty. If we won't take an action no one will do it!
 
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