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I need some support..:(

xrisx

xrisx

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I don't know if I'm posting this in the right section, if it's wrong you can correct me.
I hope I make some sense because it's hard to express myself right now :(
(I'm crying as I type this)

However I really need some support.
I don't really know what's going on with me.
I've been suffering from a depression for some time now and that's been very hard. Turned my life upside down.
I've always fallen back on Michael in times like these. Reading about him, hearing him, seeing him always made me happy in some way. It would make me happy if only for a some time.
However right now it's not working for some reason in fact it almost feels like my fandom is somehow starting to fade a little.
It scares me because I've always loved Michael so very much and I don't want that to change.Yet sometimes it feels like it is for some reason.

Ever since June 25th I have been going through so much. Recently I feel it's getting harder and harder to come to this site for instance and enjoy myself.
Seeing threads like the one of the LMP interview and the Family Oprah interview just really tear me up. I can't really explain why,but it just kills me.

It sometimes feels like there is nothing positive from Michael anymore. It gets tainted by comments other people make. All the drug talk, the pain, coldness from him.
I just want to go back to experiencing Michael the way I have always done.
When I would enjoy just seeing a new picture or reading something he did for fans or something.
He was the person that could cheer me up and right know it's almost like he causes just as much pain.

It really hurts my heart because I love him so very much (maybe even too much) and it's just scary to think that because I'm going through all these things in my life I might lose him (again) but this time as a fan.
I don't want that but I don't know how to stop it.
I get so stressed out sometimes ( or a lot of times) when I read all the stuff being said, I just wished I could scream. I literally get to a point where it makes me sick sometimes.
I shouldn't care so much but I do. I don't know why but I do. It's like I can't control it anymore.

Maybe I should just take a break from this board, but it's hard for me to do that.
I keep hoping something will cheer me up. Usually it doesn't happen. :(

I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense, I just can't talk about this sort of thing to other people. They don't understand how much Michael effects me and I think you guys as fans can. (Maybe)

I don't know I just feel very confused and upset. I don't know how to deal with this.
I really don't. I just wanted to see him, just once. I want to tell him how much he means to me. Maybe that would calm me some. I can't do that now and it's just hurting me so much.

I'm sorry for making such a long post about this. I just hope someone out there understands me right now because it feels like I'm all alone in this. :(
So very lonely..
 
I'm so sorry to hear that :( That's terrible :hug: I know it's difficult right now, love :(
I'm available to talk usually all day for support (tomthedude_2008@hotmail.com), please just let me know if you need a hand.
:hug:
:heart:
 
It sounds to me as though you're getting caught up in all the extroverted affairs regarding Michael, namely, the Lisa Marie/Oprah/Katherine/etc. and all that is being said about him. What you need to remember, however, is that none of these people are Michael, and that each person is saying things only from their perspective, and that some people are easily led, and others have agendas to fulfill. You are looking for Michael, for that long-lost joy and shining thing he used to bring, but you look in the wrong places, it seems.

You won't find Michael in the next Lisa Marie interview, or even in this forum. We're not Michael, and we never will be. Yet, even now, Michael is still here. You have to look inside and see that this is the truth, that he continues, and your feelings for him will never fade. It is in introspection that we find the truth. I know all too well the rush of the next interview, the next thing, the next set of videos, and the next album. The thrill of the tangible reminder of existence, of the graspable memento of what once was, of an illusory continuation.

At times, we take these material, graspable, human things to be the only things there are. True, we'll never hear of another great achievement of his in life, but we will always hear from Michael, and don't forget that. Even if you leave us, even if you were to move on, that love which burns eternally on will continue to live within your heart because he is deserving of it and you know it. Life will take your focus away from him, as it does with me, and with others, for moments at a time because that is life, but within our hearts the flame of love we feel for him is ever brilliant.

In this depression you are feeling currently, allow yourself to go and seek solace in nature, in the quiet solitude of that which isn't human or man-made, and therein you will find Michael, and many other wonderful, eternal things. You won't find a cure for your sorrow in a forum or in a news article.
 
mikagesouji, what you said was very nice :clapping:

xrisx, I understand what you are going through as well. But, you know, I think things like these happen because we tend to have an idealized image of a person and so tend to forget the fact that they are normal human beings (doing good but also making mistakes. no one can avoid that in life. we can't be just 'good' or just 'bad'. we all have something from both sides in us).
And your rage, if I may call it that way, towards Michael comes from the fact that, inside, you might think that all this love you feel is in vain as he is no longer here to receive it. You were hoping that Michael would live forever (literally) and you would always hear, see, experience new achievements from him and have something to look forward to.
I must confess that one of my biggest dreams was to meet Michael in person. And deep down inside I truly believed that could come true someday. When I heard the news of his passing and realized that a dream can no longer come true, I was crushed.

Anyway, what I do now is remeber what was nice, enjoy the music, the videos, the pictures, look forward to the new stuff, all the time keeping in mind that, whatever I hear of him, he was 'only' human. ( Remember that question Michael was asked by a fan "Do you go to the toilet?" - imagine what MJ thought after that :) )
 
First of all thank you guys for responding. I really really appreciate it.
Thanks for listening. :) (and Tom thank you for your offer :) )
I feel a little ashamed that I posted all of this. I guess last night I just reached a certain rock bottom. I just had to let it out and I'm glad you guys can understand it somewhat.

I don't think Michael is perfect, I understand he is a human being just like all of us.
(That's part of the reason I really respect him) That's not why it gets to me so much.
Maybe it's the injustice of it all. It all seems so complicated now. I still can't really explain it. All I know is that I don't want to give up on Michael.
I've loved him more than any other entertainer and I want to be able to enjoy him for years to come. I know I will always admire him and hopefully the love I feel will be there as well.

You did help me think about it some more and maybe your right. Maybe I've surpressed my emotions somewhat after june 25th and I just need to find Michael again in different things. This is why I thought I needed to post this here instead of talking about it to people who aren't fans. You guys seem to understand what I was talking about.
Sometimes I guess it's natural to miss the excitement and the joy when now so many fans are still in pain and/or angry. Also the lack of good news doesn't help.

I will definitly take the advice (Mikagesouji) and spend more time in nature and other places to find more peace.You really helped me think with your words.
That's another way I always found Michael and enjoyed him. I've lost touch with that part of my fandom I think. I don't know like I said right now it's hard for me to see everything clearly.

I realise I need to take care of myself a lot more. It's very hard though because like I said for years I've looked towards Michael to make me happy or to make me not think about my personal life and feelings. It's hard when you realize you can't help yourself like that at the moment. That you need to find a more honest way of dealing with your emotions.

Like I said before I'm going through a lot personally as well so that could have something to do with it. I do think I need a break from all the negativity/endless discussions that seems to be going on in the "Michael" world right now.
Not everyone is like that but right now it's just too much for me. Maybe I need to but some blinders on for once and just focus on the positivity.

I had such a horrible night last night, I didn't sleep just cried. I guess the floodgates had been opened for some reason. It probably needed to happen though. At least that's what I'm trying to tell myself. Sometimes I really do feel like I'm the only one feeling all of this and that I'm losing my mind or something. It can really feel very lonely.

So again I thank you all for offering advice/ and listening to what I had to say.
It really really means a lot to me. I was kind of afraid you all would think I was crazy and would just ignore it. I'm glad I was wrong.
 
Oh, hon. :( You sound just like me. I've been feeling like this for the longest time, but have refused to admit it.

Thank you so much for your post, mikagesouji, it's always a pleasure to read everything that you say on the board, and you speak so much sense.

It sometimes feels like there is nothing positive from Michael anymore. It gets tainted by comments other people make. All the drug talk, the pain, coldness from him.
I just want to go back to experiencing Michael the way I have always done.
Click to expand...

I completely agree.
 
Thinking of you, xrisx. It's been a really difficult time for so many of us. And it's really hard to block out the negativity. I feel for you and hope you feel better soon! I'm always around if you want to chat by PM. :)
 
mikagesouji said:
It sounds to me as though you're getting caught up in all the extroverted affairs regarding Michael, namely, the Lisa Marie/Oprah/Katherine/etc. and all that is being said about him. What you need to remember, however, is that none of these people are Michael, and that each person is saying things only from their perspective, and that some people are easily led, and others have agendas to fulfill. You are looking for Michael, for that long-lost joy and shining thing he used to bring, but you look in the wrong places, it seems.

You won't find Michael in the next Lisa Marie interview, or even in this forum. We're not Michael, and we never will be. Yet, even now, Michael is still here. You have to look inside and see that this is the truth, that he continues, and your feelings for him will never fade. It is in introspection that we find the truth. I know all too well the rush of the next interview, the next thing, the next set of videos, and the next album. The thrill of the tangible reminder of existence, of the graspable memento of what once was, of an illusory continuation.

At times, we take these material, graspable, human things to be the only things there are. True, we'll never hear of another great achievement of his in life, but we will always hear from Michael, and don't forget that. Even if you leave us, even if you were to move on, that love which burns eternally on will continue to live within your heart because he is deserving of it and you know it. Life will take your focus away from him, as it does with me, and with others, for moments at a time because that is life, but within our hearts the flame of love we feel for him is ever brilliant.

In this depression you are feeling currently, allow yourself to go and seek solace in nature, in the quiet solitude of that which isn't human or man-made, and therein you will find Michael, and many other wonderful, eternal things. You won't find a cure for your sorrow in a forum or in a news article.
Click to expand...

Very true and kind thoughts, as most times and beautifully expressed, as always. Thanks for that :)

xrisx said:
First of all thank you guys for responding. I really really appreciate it.
Thanks for listening. :) (and Tom thank you for your offer :) )
I feel a little ashamed that I posted all of this. I guess last night I just reached a certain rock bottom. I just had to let it out and I'm glad you guys can understand it somewhat.

I don't think Michael is perfect, I understand he is a human being just like all of us.
(That's part of the reason I really respect him) That's not why it gets to me so much.
Maybe it's the injustice of it all. It all seems so complicated now. I still can't really explain it. All I know is that I don't want to give up on Michael.
I've loved him more than any other entertainer and I want to be able to enjoy him for years to come. I know I will always admire him and hopefully the love I feel will be there as well.

You did help me think about it some more and maybe your right. Maybe I've surpressed my emotions somewhat after june 25th and I just need to find Michael again in different things. This is why I thought I needed to post this here instead of talking about it to people who aren't fans. You guys seem to understand what I was talking about.
Sometimes I guess it's natural to miss the excitement and the joy when now so many fans are still in pain and/or angry. Also the lack of good news doesn't help.

I will definitly take the advice (Mikagesouji) and spend more time in nature and other places to find more peace.You really helped me think with your words.
That's another way I always found Michael and enjoyed him. I've lost touch with that part of my fandom I think. I don't know like I said right now it's hard for me to see everything clearly.

I realise I need to take care of myself a lot more. It's very hard though because like I said for years I've looked towards Michael to make me happy or to make me not think about my personal life and feelings. It's hard when you realize you can't help yourself like that at the moment. That you need to find a more honest way of dealing with your emotions.

Like I said before I'm going through a lot personally as well so that could have something to do with it. I do think I need a break from all the negativity/endless discussions that seems to be going on in the "Michael" world right now.
Not everyone is like that but right now it's just too much for me. Maybe I need to but some blinders on for once and just focus on the positivity.

I had such a horrible night last night, I didn't sleep just cried. I guess the floodgates had been opened for some reason. It probably needed to happen though. At least that's what I'm trying to tell myself. Sometimes I really do feel like I'm the only one feeling all of this and that I'm losing my mind or something. It can really feel very lonely.

So again I thank you all for offering advice/ and listening to what I had to say.
It really really means a lot to me. I was kind of afraid you all would think I was crazy and would just ignore it. I'm glad I was wrong.
Click to expand...

Oh honey, please don't you ever think like that. Take it one day at the time and as it was suggested here - enjoy nature more. And if you feel the need and it all seems too much to bear, do take a break from this forum.

Just know that you are never really alone. Anytime you need help, just call, ok? You got us and you got Michael as well, he's always here. Stay strong, find peace and keep on loving Michael, in whatever way you can at the moment. I bet he would understand. Time will solve everything, you just wait and see :yes:
 
firstly hugs to you x. Secondly alot us including me know how you feel. Now that now Michael is no longer physically 'here', it often seems the negativity is taking over. But I suppose everyone's fandom evolves so to speak. We all have our own ways of coping and adapting to this situation, just like we all did when we first became fans we worked Michael into the fabric of our lives. Even in death he can still be there, in our minds, our hearts in our memories in a different way. If you need to take a break from this board leave we will all understand. It has been very rough for us all since June 25th. I think the negativity seems worse because Michael is not here to balance it anymore with his concerts, album, even him just being alive and with us was a blessing in itself. Unfortunately there is no compass, no guidebook to show us the way in this situation. We just have to take it day by day. xx
 
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