I just really need to get this out somewhere...

[Lil_ReD]

Hello Everyone,

I have been a lurker on these boards for many years now and now I feel like I just need to express everything I'm feeling here because no one else will understand as well as Michael's fans...

As I sit here listening to my Ipod with all of Michael Jackson's albums on constant replay, unable to stop listening to this beautiful man, this beautiful voice; my heart aches. Having to pause every sentence while writing this because the fact that he is gone seems absolutely unreal to me yet so real at the same time. Every other second as I remember that this beautiful human being has left this earth, I feel a pang in my heart and new tears form in my eyes. As I hear his voice through my headphones, my brain forms constant reminders of the fact that this man is gone. The fact that I had to utter the words "R.I.P Michael Jackson" completely baffles me. This man's music has made me happy for 7 years now and as I listen a part of me feels empty. As I grew up, I became less obsessed with Michael. Catching up on his goings on only once in a while to see if he is happy and how his tour and album plans were coming. As a teenager, I would check the boards everyday and read every article I could get my hands on that had to do with Michael Jackson. Life began to interfere with all the free time I had for Michael but a part of me always knew that he was around and I took comfort in knowing that he was living, breathing and maybe just maybe getting ready for an amazing comeback. When I heard plans of his tour and album, I was ecstatic. It felt like I had just rediscovered his music and could not wait to hear what he had in store for us. Knowing Michael, I knew it would be magical. As I found out about his death, shock overtook me and I could not believe that a man as wonderful as Michael could be gone. It took about a day to hit me. As the day went on, I took out all his albums and dvds and started watching and listening, feeling like I did a few years ago when I would not go a day without listening to this man's voice. I remember I would not be able to fall asleep unless I had an MJ album on in the background. As I began to listen, I began to remember how happy this man made me and suddenly I felt empty. He was gone. The comfort I had in knowing that he would always be there was gone. The tears began to flow. My stomach went up into my throat and I felt sick. It can't be possible. As I sit here listening to his music, his voice, he feels very much alive to me and every time I remember he is no longer on this earth my heart hurts. As I reach the end of my rant, new tears are forming and I find myself missing him more and more. Gone is this beautiful human being and the world is that much darker because of it.

Thanks for reading, in a way I feel better having expressed myself because I have not really been able to talk to anyone about the way I actually feel.

We Miss you Michael.

 

[micaro7]

Wow!! you just posted how I feel exactly. I've been lurking since Thursday and hadn't posted anything but seeing this inspired me.

I was at work and about 4:40 pm someone came down the aisle saying Michael Jackson had just past. I immediately logged on to cnn but all they had was that he had been taken to the hospital and he was in cardiac arrest. I then went to yahoo, said the same thing, so I wondered where she was getting that information from. I then went to PerezHilton and it said tmz was reporting he had died. I just beginning to pray that TMZ was wrong and tears came down my face.
I packed up for the day and went to my car, and every station was playing Michael's music but I got angry that they were playing his music like he was dead, so I flipped to XM CNN listening to them all the way to my dermatologist appointment and by the time I got there CNN was reporting he had died. Tears started streamed down my face, but I had to pull it together for my appointment. Which I did as I was in shock but by then end of that appointment and through the long drive it hit me that he was dead.
I was a long time MJ fan, he's been apart of my life since I can remember, My parents especially my dad loved him but when I was about 15 and this is stuff I've never shared with anyone................
When I was 15 my sister was pregnant and her, my mom and my niece were dancing and laughing one night she then began experiencing stomach pains, next thing I know it was like a whirlwind of activity and I didn't really understand what was happening but my sister went into premature labor in the bathroom and baby was stillborn. She I guess not knowing what to do put the baby in the bathroom trash can.
Needless to say I tried to stay away from the scene but once everyone was gone to the hospital and I was left there alone, I went to the bathroom and saw that dead baby, and it traumatized me. During that same time Scream was just out. That song and that video helped me so much.
There were times when the image of that baby was in my head constantly however when that song played or video was shown, the image went away and I was able to escape.
After that I went into a severe depression. Michael Jackson was only thing that could get me to smile. HIs music, just his presence. I used to log onto the KOP discusion board, and many others every minute could to find out what was going on in his life. Anything Michael that was on TV was recorded and I read anything that I could get my hands on about him....
He was my angel during that time.......
Had I not had him to cling to during those years in my life I don't know where I'd be. The possibility of one day maybe meeting him kept me going.
I got help for my depression but after that I still regularly checked up on him, If he did a magazine article, I bought, if he was on tv I recorded it.
If he did a pop appearance a smile would grace my face.
In recent years I still somewhat followed him but not as closely.
I will admit in 2005 i didn't think he was guilty but a part of me was mad at him. I just wanted to shake him and go snap out of it stop letting these money-hungry people near you, and I stayed mad at him for awhile so I haven't kept up with him in the last few years but when I heard about the concerts I was so excited.
I never stopped rooting for him and hoping and believing he could conquer the world again. ever..
Thursday night I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, and I've been crying for 3 days straight.
Every emotion possible is running through me shock, sadness, anger, confusion.......I alternate between melancholy, disappointment of what could have been, shock that he is really gone, anger at him and his circle of friends and family and happiness that I felt a connection with him at all.

I really don't know what else to say but I love you Michael Jackson, and thank you.
May you rest in peace and may God have mercy on your soul.
I pray for his children that god give them strength, emotionally, physically, and mentally because they have a tough road ahead them, but I also pray they know and never forget despite what they hear as they get older, that their father was an extraordinary man

 

[Experience the magic]

Both of you are voicing what many of us are feeling, what many of us are experiencing and what many of us have to deal with. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us and welcome home to this community.

 

[earthlyme]

Reading both of your writing, I'm balling right now. my tears just cant stop. I have a little bit of the same experience as yall. I've been a fan for about 14-15 years, am 21 right now and i remember when i was 15, 16, and 17, Michael was the one that help me get through some hard times. With family and the world. All his music helped me to calm down helped me to be sane. I was so very excited when i heard about his concert @ the O2, and I wanted to go but I couldn't. But hoped that he came to the US for one last time. When I heard about his passing, i was taking an online exam and it was timed. But when my mom called me and told me to watch CNN cuz it was about Michael, I run to the leaving room and it was on. It said he was being hospitalized for cardiac arrest. I just stood there, didnt believe CNN but it was true. then they said that he was in a comma. And thats when I just had to sit down and wait for the devastating word, and not munits later came that Michael had ****. And from out of no where my tears came down my face. I couldnt stop. What do they mean? Whats going on, why? o why are they saying this? so I came on MJJC and saw a thread that said that Michael was taken in an ambulance.

Everything happend at once that I didnt compreheand it. I'm still Numb and only cried when it was announced. I'm waiting for him to be on TV and @ the O2. I know its not possible but I cant handle the ache, the pain that I'll suffer if I admit that he's really gone. I'll just have this time to imagen him with his children in some peaceful and quiet place. oh how so beautiful it is. Oh how I want him to say one last thing on TV for the fans, oh how I want to see him do one last "I love you more""I love you very much, from the bottom of my heart". Oh how I want to see him laugh and smile. how I want to see him play and joke with others one last time. This is by far the saddest most horrible time of my life.

He's in a better place now and is looking out for us. He's gonna be our guardian angel. Michael, oh how you were so Loved and cared for. We Love you more than you can imagen. You are our angel, the worlds Magic. We'll always be there for your children in any way they want us to be. Dont worry about them. I LOVE YOU MICHAEL!!! Words fail me.