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I Can't Take It

xosweetseducingsighsxo

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June 25th is coming up soon, as you all know. Well, ever since that day I've had the sad feeling in my heart. Now it's stronger than ever. I can't stop crying, I can't stop thinking about it, my heart feels like there's a boulder weighing it down. I can't talk to family because they'll just tell me to stop having feelings for someone I've never met. I seriously miss Michael you guys. You don't know how much. I feel so guilty, I mean, when I think about the pure HELL he went through, and me not being able to do a thing about it. I know I was really little when it happened, but still. I feel like I could've stopped June 25, but I feel so powerless knowing that I didn't and I couldn't. If Michael would come back..... That's all I ask, for him to come back. So I can hold him, let him know that I love him more than anything in this world and protect him. Michael was a part of me, he was my best friend, my strength, my ability to get through anything. And now. He's not here. I shouldn't question God or anything, I know, but why? Why did you take the one person that I loved. Hm? Why didn't you stop all those people from hurting him?

If no one else loves me, I'll always be happy knowing that Michael loves me.

I can't.. Like really... It's taking a hard toll on me. :'(
 
I still can relate to what you say here... I guess it's a wound we have to learn to live with it... I feel guilt too and yes... 4 years means... You can't talk to anyone any more so you just 'fib' you're fine :smilerolleyes:

Right now, I'm in the 'hiding' stage :doh:
I wanted to follow up the AEG trial thingy cause Law intrigues me but then the wound start bleeding again and my 'friend' Insomnia returned so... That is 'off limits' now and I'm glad 'Insomnia' left again :cheeky:

I've learnt to 'cope' with this loss though it's only a 'sticker' that peels off sometimes and I all I can say as a 'fellow fan' is PLEASE don't 'torture' yourself with the WHAT IFS cause they don't help... They just make you ill... :cry: been there done that...

Feelings of guilt and sadness are okay... Try to 'bend' them in POSITIVE stuff...
A PASSION where you can put your soul and heart in :tease:

Treating yourself to the simple pleasures of life... Walks in the forest, taking long hot baths, enjoying your fave meal, going back to college, enjoying a COOL movie... :clap:

Routine and schedule KEEPS you going...
MJJCommunity :love: where you can still speak from the :heart:

Writing down your feelings HELP too... I wrote a "WHAT IF we could have saved Michael story" in MJJC Blog :heart:
You can also visit this thread :angel:

http://www.mjjcommunity.com/forum/t...on-Love-amp-Light-Thread-!-February-14th-2013

The AIM of this thread is to SUPPORT the MJ fam and 'spill the beans' on 'coping strategies' :blush:

YOU are NOT alone cause WE are HERE to carry the burden with you, dear Michaeljacksonsprincess :better:
 
^ you're so nice Daryll. I think we're all here to comfort each other indeed. And I do understand you too though. I NEVER talk about Michael with family or ''friends'' cause they'll think i'm crazy for caring so much for a person i've never met personally just like you and whom he doesnt even know exist. Yet we feel that we're all so close to him through his music, videos and everything he ever did for us, the fans, his people, his audience.
Really the best thing to do is to fill up al of your spare time and do the things you enjoy. Especially enjoying the things he gave us. Look at the bright side..I must say while some may have progressed a bit during the past for years by trying to cope with, im one of those that escaped from reality which hurts even more now. Realizing he just isnt on this planet anymore and not breathing at this moment, you know?

Just be sure, just like what Daryll said, you are DEFINITELY not alone, we're all in this together. I just hope people in general on here would be nicer to each other too, cause we are one family here. I truly believe that, one family.
 
Thanks MJ*PP :blush:

I know how it feels to be LOST and then to be FOUND ;)
Funny thing is that I met one of the MJ family at college and Michael is like 'off topic' :blink:
Strange feeling though but then again, I have YOU guys to 'rant' to, hey :tease:

Tough days like today are GONE in a blink of an eye too :cheeky:
 
Michaeljacksonsprincess, when I read your post I could only thnk, I love you so much!!

Daryll is right, you are not alone. I know it is so hard, and for me, I am still in my first year of this. Even on day one, when it suddenly all his me it was like it had happened that day. But by then, I couldn't say a word, not to anyone, because it had been three years and nobody around would understand.
If no one else loves me, I'll always be happy knowing that Michael loves me
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Oh gosh, boy do I understand. You are not the only one. I was little too, but you know what? He loved all the children of the world, and that was US. We will be okay because even if we didn't know it (I didn't) Michael was out there caring for us and loving us, all of us, equally.

Remember, Michael wanted us to believe in our dreams. We can heal the world for Michael if we take action and achieve them! I listen to keep the faith because it helps me take each step. "Look at yourself and what you're doing right now" is number one, we've got to live our lives right if we want to do anything to help him now.

It is all a process, it takes time. :heart:

Lark
 
Oh wow, reading your post took me way back. The last 4 years have been one hell of a journey for me. Even contemplating its been 4 years of this hell is hard for me. In a way it feels like a lifetime and on the other hand it feels so fresh and new this awful situation we're in. There's nothing I can tell you to do that will make you feel miraculously better. It just 'is' - this awful feeling.

If I'm being honest the first couple of years since we lost him I was in a living hell. It got to the point where I had to distance myself from all this because it just wasn't healthy for me anymore to be immersed in all this misery. So that's when I made the change of doing things that I was putting off but are now a huge part of me. Going out, meeting people, focussing on other things and keeping a busy life, this sounds pointless when you're not in that place yet. But you'll get there, and that's when you know that you can keep Michael with you always, and live in a way that makes him proud. The MJ family will always be here and I feel more at home here than most places on this earth. There's no guilt or shame in distancing yourself from the unpleasant things that happened to Michael, sometimes its the only way to stay sane. You really can torture yourself with that stuff. But it's a process and you will get there. Through your journey know that there is so much love for you from other MJ fans who know exactly what you're feeling and going through. And you can take it, trust me. :huggy:
 
Hey StaceyMJ :ciao: So chuffed to hear from you :blush:

Indeed :agree: I started 'College' to get a degree to find a 'suitable' job but it also helps me to 'heal' and 'cope' 'cause a whole different world opens for me... ONE that is NEW and not 'tainted' :unsure:

ONE day, MichaelJacksonsprincess :ciao: you will FEEL the joy again to 'boast' about Michael the way I did this afternoon :tease:
I boldly told a classmate I've been a fan for 31 years now and I felt such a warm glow in me :blush:

TIME... It takes TIME and Indeed... It also takes COURAGE to 'break' the circle of guilt... Michael is in heaven :angel: and we can't do a thing about it... ALL we can do is make him PROUD here... SHOW People what Michael has TAUGHT us...
 
I can also relate to what you are saying. Especially when this was how I was yesterday.:


Very sad
depressed
very tired
and really miserable


I am also wondering why God is making me suffer horribly. By letting me to keep on living. When all I want to be is dead and with my beloved Michael right now.:boohoo I am only 33 but I am already so very sick and tired of living. And I used to so L.O.V.E. life at one time.:( But what is the point of living when you are going to feel sad, miserable, and depressed all of the time.:(


I am a little bit better today. But I still feel like that. And it is all that I had felt ever since it happen. My most greatest joy ever was my beloved Michael. And it is absolutely beyond hell that I can't watch and listen to him like I used to. I still so hate the fact that all of my MJ videos and dvds is collecting dust now. And there is nothing I could do about it. Since it hurts so bad to go near them let alone touch them. I have tried countless of times to find the right thing that could give me the same joy. That Michael gave me. And thought I had found it with my Bollywood, my non Bollywood videos, and my video, computer, and puzzle games. But then I realized it is just a very poor replacement. Yet I am still in to them. I have to do and watch something since I can no longer watch and listen to Michael like I once did. Bollywood especially since it is the only thing that I have now. Where I can see dancing nearly as good as Michael's dancing. And hear Indian singers almost as good or just as good as Michael's singing. During that first horrible month without him. I had lost nearly 50 pounds. Because eating was really the very last thing I had wanted to do. All I wanted to do was to be in my bed and sleep. And just try to forget what had happen. I even had my black laptop at the time in bed with me. So I can still be in my MJ sites. And for 3 months I had lost the taste I had for chicken. And that was very unusual for me. Since I L.O.V.E. chicken and it was my main source of protein. But it was because of the fact that chicken was one of Michael's favorite foods. And knowing that reason is why I had lost the taste for it. Since I had given up eating most meat products. I was also 3 times suicidal over what happen to him. Cause I was going to keep that vow that I had made to myself back in December of 1995. When I was 15 at the time. I was so extremely upset over Michael being in that New York City hospital sick. I told myself if anything horrible should ever happen to him. I will kill myself because I absolutely refused to live in a world without him in it. Back during the HIStory Era I was extremely obsessed with him. Which would explain why I will make a vow like that to myself. But after it had happen with him. I almost immediantly went back to my Christian religion. I was a long time atheist. But I had to in order to go to the same place where my Michael is now. And I also realize that I could not commit suicide because it was a sin against God if I did that. Which means I will not be able to be with my beloved Michael. Another thing all through that first horrible summer without him I was constanetly plague by the most worst nightmares you could possibly have about Michael. 2 of the nightmares were so bad that it cause me to wake up crying and shaking uncontrollably they were that bad. I had very bad insomnia and hyperinsomnia back then. Even now I still suffer from horrible insomnia from over what had happen to him. I haven't had a single good night's worth of sleep since before it happen. And unfortunately it is something I have gotten almost used to. And whats also worst is that sometimes I wish I never became a fan of his in the first place. That way I will not be living this constant hell that I am in now. I might wish it but I really don't mean it. Even though I am still suffering from horrible depression over what had happen to him. And I am still very much am in mourning over him. Cause of my constant wearing of all black clothes. Always a pair of black pants and a black MJ t-shirt. He will always remain one of my 3 major passions. Just like astronomy and Bollywood is. So yeah I do know exactly how you feel. Especially since I am one of Michael's older fans. Been a fan of his since practically the early 80s. Didn't became the true hardcore fan until the HIStory Era. When I was finally old enough to remember an entire MJ era.
 
MJsBollywoodGirl7 said:
I can also relate to what you are saying. Especially when this was how I was yesterday.:


Very sad
depressed
very tired
and really miserable


I am also wondering why God is making me suffer horribly. By letting me to keep on living. When all I want to be is dead and with my beloved Michael right now.:boohoo I am only 33 but I am already so very sick and tired of living. And I used to so L.O.V.E. life at one time.:( But what is the point of living when you are going to feel sad, miserable, and depressed all of the time.:(


I am a little bit better today. But I still feel like that. And it is all that I had felt ever since it happen. My most greatest joy ever was my beloved Michael. And it is absolutely beyond hell that I can't watch and listen to him like I used to. I still so hate the fact that all of my MJ videos and dvds is collecting dust now. And there is nothing I could do about it. Since it hurts so bad to go near them let alone touch them. I have tried countless of times to find the right thing that could give me the same joy. That Michael gave me. And thought I had found it with my Bollywood, my non Bollywood videos, and my video, computer, and puzzle games. But then I realized it is just a very poor replacement. Yet I am still in to them. I have to do and watch something since I can no longer watch and listen to Michael like I once did. Bollywood especially since it is the only thing that I have now. Where I can see dancing nearly as good as Michael's dancing. And hear Indian singers almost as good or just as good as Michael's singing. During that first horrible month without him. I had lost nearly 50 pounds. Because eating was really the very last thing I had wanted to do. All I wanted to do was to be in my bed and sleep. And just try to forget what had happen. I even had my black laptop at the time in bed with me. So I can still be in my MJ sites. And for 3 months I had lost the taste I had for chicken. And that was very unusual for me. Since I L.O.V.E. chicken and it was my main source of protein. But it was because of the fact that chicken was one of Michael's favorite foods. And knowing that reason is why I had lost the taste for it. Since I had given up eating most meat products. I was also 3 times suicidal over what happen to him. Cause I was going to keep that vow that I had made to myself back in December of 1995. When I was 15 at the time. I was so extremely upset over Michael being in that New York City hospital sick. I told myself if anything horrible should ever happen to him. I will kill myself because I absolutely refused to live in a world without him in it. Back during the HIStory Era I was extremely obsessed with him. Which would explain why I will make a vow like that to myself. But after it had happen with him. I almost immediantly went back to my Christian religion. I was a long time atheist. But I had to in order to go to the same place where my Michael is now. And I also realize that I could not commit suicide because it was a sin against God if I did that. Which means I will not be able to be with my beloved Michael. Another thing all through that first horrible summer without him I was constanetly plague by the most worst nightmares you could possibly have about Michael. 2 of the nightmares were so bad that it cause me to wake up crying and shaking uncontrollably they were that bad. I had very bad insomnia and hyperinsomnia back then. Even now I still suffer from horrible insomnia from over what had happen to him. I haven't had a single good night's worth of sleep since before it happen. And unfortunately it is something I have gotten almost used to. And whats also worst is that sometimes I wish I never became a fan of his in the first place. That way I will not be living this constant hell that I am in now. I might wish it but I really don't mean it. Even though I am still suffering from horrible depression over what had happen to him. And I am still very much am in mourning over him. Cause of my constant wearing of all black clothes. Always a pair of black pants and a black MJ t-shirt. He will always remain one of my 3 major passions. Just like astronomy and Bollywood is. So yeah I do know exactly how you feel. Especially since I am one of Michael's older fans. Been a fan of his since practically the early 80s. Didn't became the true hardcore fan until the HIStory Era. When I was finally old enough to remember an entire MJ era.
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I'm still mourning over Michael too. His death is just too painful for me. I'm always wearing black clothes, and it's rare that anyone will see me smile now.
 
I am a much older fan, there since the beginning with J5 so it's been a very long time for me to have Michael as part of my life. I sympathise with all of those fans who are still going through such a tough time since we lost him. It's a clique I know but it will get a little easier as more time goes by, you'll never forget him, you'll never stop loving him and missing him but it will become more bearable. What I think fans can do is set out to be 'Mikelike'. Throughout your lives do something which benefits others, support charities which were favourites of his and always be loving and forgiving even if that's hard to do. Allow yourselves to fall in love, have children (God willing) and just enjoy being alive. Michael would be so unhappy if he thought that his death had caused such pain and depression with the very people he loved so much. We cannot bring him back but we can live our lives with the examples he set. I am always here via pm if anyone needs to talk and unburden themselves, I'm a long time married lady with grown up sons and like to think I am a good listener. Play your music and videos even if it's painful and makes you cry, just remember the joy he gave us whilst he was with us. Live your lives for Michael because he loved life. Hugs.
 
soulmum said:
I am a much older fan, there since the beginning with J5 so it's been a very long time for me to have Michael as part of my life. I sympathise with all of those fans who are still going through such a tough time since we lost him. It's a clique I know but it will get a little easier as more time goes by, you'll never forget him, you'll never stop loving him and missing him but it will become more bearable. What I think fans can do is set out to be 'Mikelike'. Throughout your lives do something which benefits others, support charities which were favourites of his and always be loving and forgiving even if that's hard to do. Allow yourselves to fall in love, have children (God willing) and just enjoy being alive. Michael would be so unhappy if he thought that his death had caused such pain and depression with the very people he loved so much. We cannot bring him back but we can live our lives with the examples he set. I am always here via pm if anyone needs to talk and unburden themselves, I'm a long time married lady with grown up sons and like to think I am a good listener. Play your music and videos even if it's painful and makes you cry, just remember the joy he gave us whilst he was with us. Live your lives for Michael because he loved life. Hugs.
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I very much doubt it will get easier for me. Not when I see topics about that evil murdering bastard on MJ sites. My anger blows over in to absolute rage when I see those kind of topics. So much so that I still have thoughts about getting murderous revenge for what he has done. That monster needs to be dead now and forever burning in that Lake Of Fire. Where monsters like him needs to be. I want nothing more to be the one to send him there. But because of the fact that I had gone back to being a Christian again it is something I can not do. And I will let God handle my revenge for me. Thank God that I have several Bollywood revenge type movies to help ease my anger by watching them. Especially one called Anjaam I just so totally L.O.V.E. how Shivani Chopra gets her murderous revenge in that movie. Especially on her evil brother in law. By shoving his money that he had won on a horse. Right down his throat. All he ever thought about was money and gambling. He never once cared about his sick wife. Since he had thrown not only her sister his wife out of the house. But her daughter as well. Since her sister was taking care of her. While her mother was wrongfully in prison for the murder of her husband. Who she did not kill. But by a very wealthy guy name Vijay who had this sick crazy obsession over her. Not only did he killed her husband but he also killed her daughter and her sister as well. After they were kicked out of the house. Because Shivani's evil brother in law was sick and tired of looking at the killer's relatives. Especially at Shivani's daughter who was probably only 6 or 7 years old.


As for me I can not do those things. Since I have no money. Well I do but that is locked away where I can't get to it. And thanks to the learning disabilities and health problems that I have. I am unable to work because of that. Nor am I able to drive to go somewhere. The only guy I had ever truly L.O.V.E. since I was 8 years old was Michael himself. From when I was 8 to 12 I had this huge mad crush on him. Then when I was 12 I saw his In The Closet video for the first time. And my crush on him ended. After I had saw what he had on in that video. That was when I had fallen madly in L.O.V.E. with him. And I have been madly in L.O.V.E. with him ever since. He was practically my soul mate. Because of all of the things I had in common with him. There is no other fan on Earth that had as many things in common as I did with him. I even have his name tattoo on my heart. Because my heart solely belongs to him. And not to any one else. I don't have any kids. I am an aunt though. But I almost never get to see much of my nephews and nieces. This past September was the first time since May of 2010 that I had watch Michael. And I really thought I was ready to see him again. I was so happy and Excited to see the Bad Wembley concert that night. Something I had waited for years to see. After I had been told by some of the older MJ fans how good that concert was. After finally getting my Bad 25 in the mail that day. As I was watching the Dirty Diana performance I couldn't really enjoy it. Like I was hoping to. All thanks to that horrible panic attack I was getting as I was watching him. And that was something I had never once experience before as I was watching him. I knew it was a panic attack I was getting. Because I had them before. But not with Michael but with bees. I have this phobia of bees, wasps, yellow jackets, and hornets. And to have this panic attack with Michael. Was very upsetting for me. And I was force to shut that concert off after the Dirty Diana performance was over.

You know it serves me right for thinking about the Billie Jean performance I had wanted to see after Dirty Diana. Back in October of 2009 I had decided to watch my Denmark HIStory Concert. And I was feeling great watching it. Up until half through the Billie Jean performance I was crying so extremely bad that concert got shut off after he was done with his performance. I have yet to go back and watch a Billie Jean performance. Or anything else that has to do with an MJ related video. Those tears truly came out of no where for me. I was on such a MJ high that night. That crying over him was the furthest thing from my mind. That was the last MJ high that I ever had. And I haven't touch that concert since. But because of that panic attack that I had. I don't think I will ever be able to watch Michael ever again because of it. And I can't even begin to tell you just how bad my MJ with drawls are sometimes. And it is just so upsetting to know there is nothing I could do about them. Except maybe to watch a Bollywood movie. It helps but when you have MJ with drawls as bad as I have them sometimes. Watching Bollywood movies doesn't help all that much to control them. I once L.O.V.E. life but now I just plain hate living. Like I had said before what is the point of living if you are going to feel sad, miserable, and depressed all of the time? If suicide wasn't such a sin against God. I really would of committed it on that horrible June day. That way I wouldn't have to live a single day longer without him.:( :boohoo
 
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I understand the pain of watching him, but I truely believe that the pain is what will heal, in the end. For me, I spent the last 8 months in the worst pain I have ever felt, constantly watching videos and listening to music. I cried so hard every day. I never saw anybody, just cried and cried, with an emptiness that burns inside me.

But a funny thing will happen. The pain is so bad, so much, too intense, and it FORCES you to reach out for the light. It makes you find the light in yourself, it forces you to find a way through the dark. Right now, I feel that you are circling a big fire, trying to find a way around t and you keep getting burned so you jump back and keep looking for another way. But if you step into the fire, you must walk through it. And I know, there is healing on the other side, it is the only way to get there. And we will hold your hand all the way.

Now I realize, Michael has taught me his own way of healing. Nothing could heal the pain of his childhood except helping others, and I feel it is the only thing that makes me feel better. It doesn't last, but while I am helping people, I feel a light that eases all the pain. So I just keep doing it, so the light doesn't fade too long.

Perhaps the songs will help you like they helped me too. On The Line, Keep The Faith, Man in the Mirror, Keep your head up. Michael actually left us detailed instructions on where to begin.

Michael will hold your hand through it, and we will all lift you when it's too hard :heart:
 
Lark0016 said:
I understand the pain of watching him, but I truely believe that the pain is what will heal, in the end. For me, I spent the last 8 months in the worst pain I have ever felt, constantly watching videos and listening to music. I cried so hard every day. I never saw anybody, just cried and cried, with an emptiness that burns inside me.

But a funny thing will happen. The pain is so bad, so much, too intense, and it FORCES you to reach out for the light. It makes you find the light in yourself, it forces you to find a way through the dark. Right now, I feel that you are circling a big fire, trying to find a way around t and you keep getting burned so you jump back and keep looking for another way. But if you step into the fire, you must walk through it. And I know, there is healing on the other side, it is the only way to get there. And we will hold your hand all the way.

Now I realize, Michael has taught me his own way of healing. Nothing could heal the pain of his childhood except helping others, and I feel it is the only thing that makes me feel better. It doesn't last, but while I am helping people, I feel a light that eases all the pain. So I just keep doing it, so the light doesn't fade too long.

Perhaps the songs will help you like they helped me too. On The Line, Keep The Faith, Man in the Mirror, Keep your head up. Michael actually left us detailed instructions on where to begin.

Michael will hold your hand through it, and we will all lift you when it's too hard :heart:
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Yeah I know you are trying to be helpful. But when it comes to those songs you have listed. There is no way I am ever going to go back and listen to them again. Especially one called Man In The Mirror. That used to be one of my most favorite MJ songs. Up until July 7th 2009. Ever since then it has been my most hated MJ song. That song as well as that building has been pure 100% poison to me ever since. I don't want to have anything more to do with that song and that nameless building. I still very much wish that they would tear that whole building down. And just turn that whole area in to a park or something.
 
Lark0016 said:
I understand the pain of watching him, but I truely believe that the pain is what will heal, in the end. For me, I spent the last 8 months in the worst pain I have ever felt, constantly watching videos and listening to music. I cried so hard every day. I never saw anybody, just cried and cried, with an emptiness that burns inside me.

But a funny thing will happen. The pain is so bad, so much, too intense, and it FORCES you to reach out for the light. It makes you find the light in yourself, it forces you to find a way through the dark. Right now, I feel that you are circling a big fire, trying to find a way around t and you keep getting burned so you jump back and keep looking for another way. But if you step into the fire, you must walk through it. And I know, there is healing on the other side, it is the only way to get there. And we will hold your hand all the way.

Now I realize, Michael has taught me his own way of healing. Nothing could heal the pain of his childhood except helping others, and I feel it is the only thing that makes me feel better. It doesn't last, but while I am helping people, I feel a light that eases all the pain. So I just keep doing it, so the light doesn't fade too long.

Perhaps the songs will help you like they helped me too. On The Line, Keep The Faith, Man in the Mirror, Keep your head up. Michael actually left us detailed instructions on where to begin.

Michael will hold your hand through it, and we will all lift you when it's too hard :heart:
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I've tried listening to those songs, and I've cried every single time. I just feel as if I lost apart of me.
 
Awww, you guys, I'm getting happy tears from reading all your thoughts. The day we lost Michael was the day music would never be the same again becuase he was the one that opened doors for future music artists in the 90s that we grew up listening to. Examples: Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Backstreet Boys, etc. If you're a 90s kid and grew up listening to those people, then you get my point. ) And now today, all the music we have is just crap by Justin what's-his-name, Nicki Minaj, Kesha, etc. because we don't have anyone else that can go up to Michael's level. It's sad we can't do anything about it but Michael deserves to live in peace now after being bullied for so long. Don't get me wrong, I miss him and love him every day but we can't live our lives in depression all the time because it's not healthy and Michael wouldn't want to see us fans doing crazy things to ourselves because he loved us. We still have his music to cherish and that is what makes us feel closest to him, read this quote: "If you want to be close to me, listen to the music. The love is stored there and it will not die.". That quote shows that Michael is always here with us. :angel:
 
michaeljacksonkingofpop said:
Awww, you guys, I'm getting happy tears from reading all your thoughts. The day we lost Michael was the day music would never be the same again becuase he was the one that opened doors for future music artists in the 90s that we grew up listening to. Examples: Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Backstreet Boys, etc. If you're a 90s kid and grew up listening to those people, then you get my point. ) And now today, all the music we have is just crap by Justin what's-his-name, Nicki Minaj, Kesha, etc. because we don't have anyone else that can go up to Michael's level. It's sad we can't do anything about it but Michael deserves to live in peace now after being bullied for so long. Don't get me wrong, I miss him and love him every day but we can't live our lives in depression all the time because it's not healthy and Michael wouldn't want to see us fans doing crazy things to ourselves because he loved us. We still have his music to cherish and that is what makes us feel closest to him, read this quote: "If you want to be close to me, listen to the music. The love is stored there and it will not die.". That quote shows that Michael is always here with us. :angel:
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I agree with you about the horrible artists we have now. Especially with that Justin what his name. You have no idea how much it hurts hearing news stories about him. And to know that as an MJ fan that this is the kind of crap that these young people are listening to now a days. And think that these young people don't know what real talented singing is. And all the real talented singers like my beloved Michael and Whitney are all gone now.:( It just really hurts to know that if I want to see real talented dancers now I have to turn to my favorite Bollywood actors. Especially my number 1 favorite actor in the world Shahrukh Khan. His dancing is almost like watching Michael dancing. Which is no wonder since he is an MJ fan. I am an 80s kid when I was growing up in the 80s we had so many talented singers and dancers. It is such a total shame it is not like that anymore.:( Especially since some of my favorite singers growing up was Michael, Madonna, Whitney Houston, Janet, and Phil Collins. Especially Madonna who I was more of a fan of hers than I was with Michael. I even dress kind of like her back then. Even though they were both my number 1 favorite singers back then. Now I prefer Janet more over Madonna. In fact I don't even consider myself a fan of hers anymore. Michael's music I would so L.O.V.E. to listen to him again. Since it has been like 2 or 3 months since I last listen to him. With my depression being what it is I just can not do that. And I just so totally miss listening to him like I used to. The only way my depression can be truly cure is for God to give me back my beloved Michael. And until he does this is the way it is going have to be for me unfortunately.:( :boohoo Since he was my most greatest joy ever. At least I had still kept my bedroom a total MJ shrine ever since 2004. And as much as it still hurts to go in to that bedroom sometimes. I will never going to take down any of my MJ posters and pictures of him.
 
I've tried listening to those songs, and I've cried every single time. I just feel as if I lost apart of me.
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So do I, I can't hear them in public because I will cry. But I still feel that even though it is hard, They help me find my will. I feel like his passionate voice is telling me to get up, like he needs me to see to it that all he gave us and taught us was not a waste. If all we do is feel sorry for ourselves and cry, cling to depression like it's the only proof we love him, then we fail him. I really believe that. We need to, when we can and are ready, we need to lift ourselves.

I am reminded of a beautiful line in The Hobbit, I thought of Michael and all the ways he has changed my life, because Gandalf summed up all that my life is about now. "Saruman believes that power is what can stop evil, but I think it is the small stuff, simple acts of kindness and love". I really cried in that moment because Michael taught me that. A year ago I would have thought "That's a nice idea" But now...

Michael believed in us and I am going to prove him right. One simple act of kindness at a time.
 
Lark0016 said:
I understand the pain of watching him, but I truely believe that the pain is what will heal, in the end. For me, I spent the last 8 months in the worst pain I have ever felt, constantly watching videos and listening to music. I cried so hard every day. I never saw anybody, just cried and cried, with an emptiness that burns inside me.

But a funny thing will happen. The pain is so bad, so much, too intense, and it FORCES you to reach out for the light. It makes you find the light in yourself, it forces you to find a way through the dark. Right now, I feel that you are circling a big fire, trying to find a way around t and you keep getting burned so you jump back and keep looking for another way. But if you step into the fire, you must walk through it. And I know, there is healing on the other side, it is the only way to get there. And we will hold your hand all the way.

Now I realize, Michael has taught me his own way of healing. Nothing could heal the pain of his childhood except helping others, and I feel it is the only thing that makes me feel better. It doesn't last, but while I am helping people, I feel a light that eases all the pain. So I just keep doing it, so the light doesn't fade too long.

Perhaps the songs will help you like they helped me too. On The Line, Keep The Faith, Man in the Mirror, Keep your head up. Michael actually left us detailed instructions on where to begin.

Michael will hold your hand through it, and we will all lift you when it's too hard :heart:
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The BOLD text is so uplifting, Lark :angel:

Indeed, IF you keep 'sabotaging' yourself and keep 'believing' you will NEVER smile or be happy... Then, you'll NEVER will be, period :tease:
Give it TIME... Give it a place... Go through the motions or like Lark says 'Go through the fire' ... That's the ONLY way to HEAL...

Know where your 'triggers' lay and if you can avoid them... GOOD 'cause indeed Michael wouldn't want you to 'suffer' like this...

I'll just 'quote' the BOLD text here :agree:

Doing charities does indeed make you FEEL 'healed' and okay... You can live with a tight Budget... But just a little amount or showing a little :heart: can brighten up your day so MUCH...

Being "Michael like" :love: is a BIG step forward too... BE PROUD to :wub: him... You are the CHOSEN ONES to 'infect' the world with Michael's love and light...

"You can kill the dream... You can never kill the dreamer" :agree:

Hang in there, lovelies :better:
 
I try not to think about that day. It is still surreal for me. What is for sure is that I am over the fandom in-fighting. I could give less of a f--k about anything past the CM trial. Michael is gone. None of it shines. It is Hell, and Hell is empty.

I like to remember him on his Day, and not on June 25. It is far too cruel to think of him then. To think of the blunders which could have very easily been averted, had certain parties practised common sense. It is simply psychological punishment to reroute back to that day, when I would very much prefer to sleep as he has.

The fact I am homeless now and don't have his posters to look at for comfort kinda makes it worse. I will always have him, of course, but the visual comfort is surely missed.
 
Severus Snape said:
I try not to think about that day. It is still surreal for me. What is for sure is that I am over the fandom in-fighting. I could give less of a f--k about anything past the CM trial. Michael is gone. None of it shines. It is Hell, and Hell is empty.

I like to remember him on his Day, and not on June 25. It is far too cruel to think of him then. To think of the blunders which could have very easily been averted, had certain parties practised common sense. It is simply psychological punishment to reroute back to that day, when I would very much prefer to sleep as he has.

The fact I am homeless now and don't have his posters to look at for comfort kinda makes it worse. I will always have him, of course, but the visual comfort is surely missed.
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You're homeless?? Oh my :'( the pain must be hard on you. I know what you mean, like Conrad Murray knew that common sense should tell you not to leave the patient on something as deadly as that unsupervised. I'm baffled as to how stupid he was for doing so. Btw, if you don't mind, I'm gonna keep you in my prayers :)
 
Severus Snape said:
I try not to think about that day. It is still surreal for me. What is for sure is that I am over the fandom in-fighting. I could give less of a f--k about anything past the CM trial. Michael is gone. None of it shines. It is Hell, and Hell is empty.

I like to remember him on his Day, and not on June 25. It is far too cruel to think of him then. To think of the blunders which could have very easily been averted, had certain parties practised common sense. It is simply psychological punishment to reroute back to that day, when I would very much prefer to sleep as he has.

The fact I am homeless now and don't have his posters to look at for comfort kinda makes it worse. I will always have him, of course, but the visual comfort is surely missed.
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I am so very sorry to hear that you are homeless Severus. But just like you I try very hard not to think about that horrible June day. But I have a very hard time controlling my anger. Every single time I either see or hear that monster's name. Or see a picture of him. My anger tends to go in to rage. Forcing me to have thoughts of sweet murderous revenge that I would like to get on him. For not only what he has done to my beloved Michael. To his children cause they have to grow now with out a father in their lives. And for also ruining my life. I so badly want him to pay dearly for what he has done. I still want nothing more to be the fan to send on a one way trip to eternally burn in that Lake of Fire. That is where he needs to be right now. The judge was very wrong to give him only 4 years in prison. That monster needs to be on death row. To wait execution by lethal injection. The bible says an eye for an eye. And that is what I had always believe in. I have always been a big time death penalty supporter. That to me is where true justice is serve. 4 years in prison is not justice. Not to me it isn't.
 
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