arnspecs
Proud Member
- Joined
- Jul 25, 2011
- Messages
- 363
- Points
- 28
Please don't find this too self indulgent. Over the last few days I've felt a hurt I haven't felt before. A dull ache that won't go away. I'm hoping that what I've discovered in my pain will help some of you as some of your words have helped me .....
From age 5 I have thought about Michael Jackson every day. Sometimes in passing. Sometimes for hours at a time. I have been a fan for 23 years. The last several years particularly the first thing I do when I wake up each day is hop on MJJCommunity and see if MJ has been up to anything overnight. Sometimes during the long quiet patches I'd get kinda mad at him, but only because I cared about him. There's no other artist that made me angry ... because there was no other artist that made me care. Michael always made me feel something.
Through so many bad times in my life when I thought I had nothing to look forward to, Michael was the light at the end of the tunnel. "There's always MJs next album to look forward to .. however far away that might be" I'd always think. Or I'd watch a video and feel inspired and excited about the future. The future WITH MJ. In a way I've lived my entire life vicariously through MJ. His successes fueled me, and his hardships fortified me.
I don't have a father so as a child I made him my hero. Through everything he has remained my hero. A part of me is because of him. MJ is a part of my soul. Outside of my Mother, he is my favourite thing in the world.
Like a member of my own family, I didn't always have to agree with everything he did, but I did always love him. And will always.
When I heard my phone go off on Thursday morning and the text said 'Whats happened to MJ' ... I immediately thought "oh god .. another illness, or bogus story" and got straight to my PC to see what MJ was up to now.
Then I saw the headline. Michael Jackson DEAD. Minutes later another headline. Michael Jackson in a coma. Its the first time in my life I've wanted someone to be in a coma. Anything but dead. Someone might recover from a coma. But there is no coming back from death. I could care less if he ever performed again. I just wanted him to be alive. For his kids. The confirmation was the strangest feeling of my life. I went numb. I was hearing and seeing it and I knew it was real but I coudn't take it in.
I had a shower and packed my bag for work. No feeling. Then I sat down to tie my shoes and I suddenly felt like Id been punched in the chest. I cried so hard for a man that I never met and only watched from a distance. But he was so a part of my world. I've cried so many times over the last 3 days that I almost feel ashamed. I didn't know how much I cared about this man until he was gone.
Every other artist I like essentially fills the gaps between MJ albums for me. Now I can't ever see looking forward to an album, or watching a music video again without wishing it was something better. MJ.
A part of me is always going to feel empty ... and remorse for what could have been.
But then it hit me. It's time for me to make my own success. It's time for me to stop living through Michael and live my life. Michael would want each and every one of us to go out a make our own success. To live life to its maximum potential as he did.
I can never let him go. Ever. But I can honour the man I looked up to, my hero by achieving my own dreams. By being the best person I can be.
By helping others. By always seeing the best in my fellow man. By giving everything I do 100%. By loving life. By being like Mike !
I hindsight I see how much I have learned from MJ since I found him 23 years ago. Who knew MJ was so much a part of the man I have become, and the man I aspire to be.
I will cry again a thousand times for Michael. But inside the pain I feel honoured to have lived during his lifetime.
In Michael passing I have discovered how much love I can feel. I feel a true deep heartwrenching love for a man I never met. That makes me proud. To say I loved this man whose heart loved so many. I wish I could shake his hand and tell him that.
If anyone else wants to share hope they have found inside the tragedy .. please do ..
From age 5 I have thought about Michael Jackson every day. Sometimes in passing. Sometimes for hours at a time. I have been a fan for 23 years. The last several years particularly the first thing I do when I wake up each day is hop on MJJCommunity and see if MJ has been up to anything overnight. Sometimes during the long quiet patches I'd get kinda mad at him, but only because I cared about him. There's no other artist that made me angry ... because there was no other artist that made me care. Michael always made me feel something.
Through so many bad times in my life when I thought I had nothing to look forward to, Michael was the light at the end of the tunnel. "There's always MJs next album to look forward to .. however far away that might be" I'd always think. Or I'd watch a video and feel inspired and excited about the future. The future WITH MJ. In a way I've lived my entire life vicariously through MJ. His successes fueled me, and his hardships fortified me.
I don't have a father so as a child I made him my hero. Through everything he has remained my hero. A part of me is because of him. MJ is a part of my soul. Outside of my Mother, he is my favourite thing in the world.
Like a member of my own family, I didn't always have to agree with everything he did, but I did always love him. And will always.
When I heard my phone go off on Thursday morning and the text said 'Whats happened to MJ' ... I immediately thought "oh god .. another illness, or bogus story" and got straight to my PC to see what MJ was up to now.
Then I saw the headline. Michael Jackson DEAD. Minutes later another headline. Michael Jackson in a coma. Its the first time in my life I've wanted someone to be in a coma. Anything but dead. Someone might recover from a coma. But there is no coming back from death. I could care less if he ever performed again. I just wanted him to be alive. For his kids. The confirmation was the strangest feeling of my life. I went numb. I was hearing and seeing it and I knew it was real but I coudn't take it in.
I had a shower and packed my bag for work. No feeling. Then I sat down to tie my shoes and I suddenly felt like Id been punched in the chest. I cried so hard for a man that I never met and only watched from a distance. But he was so a part of my world. I've cried so many times over the last 3 days that I almost feel ashamed. I didn't know how much I cared about this man until he was gone.
Every other artist I like essentially fills the gaps between MJ albums for me. Now I can't ever see looking forward to an album, or watching a music video again without wishing it was something better. MJ.
A part of me is always going to feel empty ... and remorse for what could have been.
But then it hit me. It's time for me to make my own success. It's time for me to stop living through Michael and live my life. Michael would want each and every one of us to go out a make our own success. To live life to its maximum potential as he did.
I can never let him go. Ever. But I can honour the man I looked up to, my hero by achieving my own dreams. By being the best person I can be.
By helping others. By always seeing the best in my fellow man. By giving everything I do 100%. By loving life. By being like Mike !
I hindsight I see how much I have learned from MJ since I found him 23 years ago. Who knew MJ was so much a part of the man I have become, and the man I aspire to be.
I will cry again a thousand times for Michael. But inside the pain I feel honoured to have lived during his lifetime.
In Michael passing I have discovered how much love I can feel. I feel a true deep heartwrenching love for a man I never met. That makes me proud. To say I loved this man whose heart loved so many. I wish I could shake his hand and tell him that.
If anyone else wants to share hope they have found inside the tragedy .. please do ..