Help! Military Friend w/Mental Issues being Clingy and Needy!

[Moddie777]

Help! Need your advice and input.

Me and my Husband are facing a dilemna with a family friend of ours. I have personally known this guys family for more than 40 years, we have a family member who have dated and had children with a family member of his over 30 years ago. So in other words there is a history, in spite of our problem, we recognize we will see this guy around from time to time.

But here is the problem, please tell me if i am wrong and what I can do better.

This guy has been over to IRAQ for 2 or 3 tours. He was in the War that our former admininstration supported. He is now retired and only about 41 years old. His wife has left him, that makes a total of two now. I am telling you all of this so you can understand what we are dealing with.

Since he has a kid the same age as one of ours, my husband and I invited him and his kid to hang out with us twice on two different family outings. He has also been over with my husband hanging out and talking, it was then that he told us, how the military has sent him to a bunch of different therapist and physcologist and put him on alot of different meds. He also went on to tell us, how he has black outs and severe head aches that leaves him almost crippled and unable to get out of bed. He has dreams over in the night, where he gets up and runs throught the house, thinking he is in combat. He has hurt himself on accident during these dreams.

My husband and I were very hurt when he told us this. Initially like anyone elese we treated him with the respect he deserves and like a hero. We informed our children of his great service and the younger ones even saluted him a few times when he came over with us.

But now, he has started being really really clingy and I am very uncomfortable and upset about it. He calls too much, we don't have time for his calls. He even started calling us in the middle of the night. One call was at 11:55pm, the other call was at 12:13( after midnight). We did not answer the phone, but i got up each time thinking it was an emergency call from a family member. The calls scared the hell out of me! I was afraid the phone would wake up the kids, school had just started. I sent him a scathing text message but my husband wanted to talk to him about it first. I didnt give him time. I responded out of anger. My husband on the other hand was more sympathetic but i had to remind him, his a$$ wasn't the one getting out of the bed to run to the phone, I was!!!!!!

And if thats not enough he is dropping by without an invite, this is something we have told him not to do but yet he does it anyway. The last couple of times he did this, I did not let him in. The first time, it was early in the morning on a weekend, he came by and i was still in my nightgown for christ sake. My husband had eaten breakfast and laid back down when he came knocking at the door. I was so angry when I saw him! I couldnt pretend I wasn't home, our front door( screen door) was open allowing the beautiful sunshine in.
I told him, he was not allowed to come to our home without us telling him it's ok to come. Because my husband has a soft spot for what he has endured, I took all that into consideration when I nicely reminded him, i was in a gown not appropriately dressed and it was too early for company . He does not understand. He had the nerve to say, it was ok about me being in a gown and that wouldn't bother him at all. I know he isn't well and I am very sorry for that but he has gotten on my nerves big time and due to the fact of my holding back, I am now angry and I don't want to be.

We are aware there is a very high suicidle rate among Troops. We both agree, something needs to be done to help him more but clinging to us is not the answer.

My husband talked to him 2 nights ago and he was firm for the very first time, about respecting our family time and not calling us so much but instead to practice; waiting for us to call him. My husband told him, how upset I had become.

And what do you suppose our friend did? He called us after 6am the following morning. The phone rang only 2 times.

I am about ready to pop him upside his head or get his family involved. My husband said if we did that, that would involve us even more in his life and problems. In other words there could be an even deeper connection to give our friend reason to depend on us.

What should we do? What would you do?

 

[Sdeidjs]

Help! Need your advice and input.

Me and my Husband are facing a dilemna with a family friend of ours. I have personally known this guys family for more than 40 years, we have a family member who have dated and had children with a family member of his over 30 years ago. So in other words there is a history, in spite of our problem, we recognize we will see this guy around from time to time.

But here is the problem, please tell me if i am wrong and what I can do better.

This guy has been over to IRAQ for 2 or 3 tours. He was in the War that our former admininstration supported. He is now retired and only about 41 years old. His wife has left him, that makes a total of two now. I am telling you all of this so you can understand what we are dealing with.

Since he has a kid the same age as one of ours, my husband and I invited him and his kid to hang out with us twice on two different family outings. He has also been over with my husband hanging out and talking, it was then that he told us, how the military has sent him to a bunch of different therapist and physcologist and put him on alot of different meds. He also went on to tell us, how he has black outs and severe head aches that leaves him almost crippled and unable to get out of bed. He has dreams over in the night, where he gets up and runs throught the house, thinking he is in combat. He has hurt himself on accident during these dreams.

My husband and I were very hurt when he told us this. Initially like anyone elese we treated him with the respect he deserves and like a hero. We informed our children of his great service and the younger ones even saluted him a few times when he came over with us.

But now, he has started being really really clingy and I am very uncomfortable and upset about it. He calls too much, we don't have time for his calls. He even started calling us in the middle of the night. One call was at 11:55pm, the other call was at 12:13( after midnight). We did not answer the phone, but i got up each time thinking it was an emergency call from a family member. The calls scared the hell out of me! I was afraid the phone would wake up the kids, school had just started. I sent him a scathing text message but my husband wanted to talk to him about it first. I didnt give him time. I responded out of anger. My husband on the other hand was more sympathetic but i had to remind him, his a$$ wasn't the one getting out of the bed to run to the phone, I was!!!!!!

And if thats not enough he is dropping by without an invite, this is something we have told him not to do but yet he does it anyway. The last couple of times he did this, I did not let him in. The first time, it was early in the morning on a weekend, he came by and i was still in my nightgown for christ sake. My husband had eaten breakfast and laid back down when he came knocking at the door. I was so angry when I saw him! I couldnt pretend I wasn't home, our front door( screen door) was open allowing the beautiful sunshine in.
I told him, he was not allowed to come to our home without us telling him it's ok to come. Because my husband has a soft spot for what he has endured, I took all that into consideration when I nicely reminded him, i was in a gown not appropriately dressed and it was too early for company . He does not understand. He had the nerve to say, it was ok about me being in a gown and that wouldn't bother him at all. I know he isn't well and I am very sorry for that but he has gotten on my nerves big time and due to the fact of my holding back, I am now angry and I don't want to be.

We are aware there is a very high suicidle rate among Troops. We both agree, something needs to be done to help him more but clinging to us is not the answer.

My husband talked to him 2 nights ago and he was firm for the very first time, about respecting our family time and not calling us so much but instead to practice; waiting for us to call him. My husband told him, how upset I had become.

And what do you suppose our friend did? He called us after 6am the following morning. The phone rang only 2 times.

I am about ready to pop him upside his head or get his family involved. My husband said if we did that, that would involve us even more in his life and problems. In other words there could be an even deeper connection to give our friend reason to depend on us.

What should we do? What would you do?

He is calling out for help/support/companionship...War is very ugly, I am sure he feels like he is all alone in the world, no one understands what he is going/has gone through;

Your husband more than likely is more sympathetic/compassionate towards this friend because they have gotten into a much "deeper level" of conversation about his experiences with the war etc. This friend feels comfortable with your hubby.

Suggestion: find and suggest information about a support group in your area that deals with vetrans of war/divorce...

:angel:Heal The World...WE Are The World...Education IS The Key~~~

 

[Moddie777]

He is calling out for help/support/companionship...War is very ugly, I am sure he feels like he is all alone in the world, no one understands what he is going/has gone through;

Your husband more than likely is more sympathetic/compassionate towards this friend because they have gotten into a much "deeper level" of conversation about his experiences with the war etc. This friend feels comfortable with your hubby.

Suggestion: find and suggest information about a support group in your area that deals with vetrans of war/divorce...

:angel:Heal The World...WE Are The World...Education IS The Key~~~

Your Suggestion is the job of his Psycharitrist and therapist isn't it? It was the Military who referred him to his best recourse and that was specific doctors and or groups.

I dont know what his schedule is with his doctors but he told my husband, he goes to see them.

 

[Fluffmeister]

he needs you, which is obvious, you are the only people being kind, nice, bing there for him etc and unfrtunately, even mentally ill people need to spoken to in honesty even if you have to show some form of passive agression; to make him realise and understand how mch is it getting to you.

I have a friend who became the same some time ago, andI ha to rite him a letter detailiong how he made me felt - he uderstood and gave me space eventuall.

Keep patience and maybe also contact a help group yourself and seek advce on how to deal with him

xx

 

[snowhite]

therapists and help groups are not enough, he needs a friend that's all he really needs I have a couple of friends who are like that, they have problems and they're very lonely and needy, when I met them I was aware of their problems but it didn't bother me I wanted to get to know them either way. once I got to know them better and we grew closer they became less clingy and insecure, they know they have a friend in me, they tell me everything that happens in their life and they trust me. and now they are more relaxed, more happy
everybody needs a support system - a family or a close friend doesn't matter what, and you already have that but he doesn't
I don't know what to tell you about how you should handle the situation but I know what he needs, and that's someone to talk to
maybe your husband should continue to talk to him if he wants to but not invite him at your house if it bothers you

 

[Moddie777]

he needs you, which is obvious, you are the only people being kind, nice, bing there for him etc and unfrtunately, even mentally ill people need to spoken to in honesty even if you have to show some form of passive agression; to make him realise and understand how mch is it getting to you.

I have a friend who became the same some time ago, andI ha to rite him a letter detailiong how he made me felt - he uderstood and gave me space eventuall.

Keep patience and maybe also contact a help group yourself and seek advce on how to deal with him

xx

No he does not NEED me or my husband now. I think he needs to lean on his own family and not ours. The more he believes he NEEDS us the more he will be clingy and needy towards us .

I failed to mention his family lives within walking distance to him. His brother, his sister, his mother, 3 aunts and 2 cousins not to mention some nieces and nephews all live within walking distance to him. His 2 Uncles live about 20 minutes away, we live about 7 minutes away. He can walk over to a neigbhors house and be at his own relatives home.

I do like your advice on seeking help for myself in how to deal with him.

 

[Moddie777]

therapists and help groups are not enough, he needs a friend that's all he really needs I have a couple of friends who are like that, they have problems and they're very lonely and needy, when I met them I was aware of their problems but it didn't bother me I wanted to get to know them either way. once I got to know them better and we grew closer they became less clingy and insecure, they know they have a friend in me, they tell me everything that happens in their life and they trust me. and now they are more relaxed, more happy
everybody needs a support system - a family or a close friend doesn't matter what, and you already have that but he doesn't
I don't know what to tell you about how you should handle the situation but I know what he needs, and that's someone to talk to
maybe your husband should continue to talk to him if he wants to but not invite him at your house if it bothers you

Yes, I agree, he does need someone to talk too. And I would think that would be the job of his Therapist and Physcologist to make sure he has a number to call whenever things get bad for him.

My Husband has enough on his shoulders now, he doesn't need the burden of shouldering another persons problems. He has his own family issues and drama and i aint talking about our 5 kids and me.

He is dealing with a family members illness and a sister in a domestic violence situation. Its so bad with his sister, we've had to get all our kids out of bed after midnight and drive over 2 hours away to go and see about her. She calls her brother( as she should, when police fail her) when she is afraid and need someone.

I feel awful for our friend but I am angry that he is trying to put so much on us. We can't help him! We have our own problems. He has a family right there very close to him. His sister has a husband close in age to him, that is right there.

I don't wanna be angry but I am beside myself.

Thank you guys for trying to help me. i really appreciate it.