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Having a hard time

twinklEE

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I just need to get this off my chest, since I can't discuss this with anyone I know in person without them thinking I'm a basket case, I'm writing it here.

When Michael died back in 2009, I was completely shattered and heart broken like -all of us. Michael was more than just a celebrity to me, in my mind I could connect to him on another level, I felt like I had some kind of a connection to him, despite not knowing him personally.

I first became a MJ fan during the Invincible era, shortly before the Bashir interview and and trial. I remember defending Michael throughout middle and high school, which wasn't always easy considering the lynch campaign the media was on back then.

Michael's death really took a toll on me, so much that I've been suffering from depressions on and off since 09. Even had t take antidepressants for some time.

Earlier this year I kept myself busy by doing an internship for my studies. Now that it has finished I can't help but be caught up back in ''MJ world''. This AEG case has affected me badly and I can't stop crying everyday, because of what Michael went through and still has to go through.

My entire room is basically a shrine to MJ with 5 big posters hanging on the walls and even on the ceiling, he is the last thing I see when I go to bed, and the first thing when I wake up in the morning. I'm just feeling this never ending pain, I wish the pain would stop. At times I cry like a baby because I get emotional over something I've read, or a picture I've seen.

It feels like the pain never stops, it just gets worse when I think of what he had to endure. I can not imagine the pain he had to go through. At times I wish I'd die so that I don't have to feel anything anymore. It's not like I'm wanting to harm myself, but I wouldn't have a problem with not waking up tomorrow, or dying in an accident or so.

At least that way I'd be closer to him. I don't see the point of continuing when Michael was so brutally taken away from here. I first thought these thoughts/feelings would change/leave me when Murray was on trial, I thought I'd be able to get closure after he was convicted, but I couldn't.

Every night I pray that I don't have to wake up in the morning, but so far in vain. I just want to stop existing, sometimes.

I just don't know how to keep these feelings in control..
 
I know it can be disorienting when you feel this way. I only became a fan a year ago, and this year has been the most intense roller coaster of my life. With all that you are describing, plus regret at not having appreciated him when he was here, when I was lucky enough to have lived during his time.

The way I am getting through it is by listening to Michael. Not just listening to his music but by hearing him and what he had to say.

Michael wanted everyone, each and every person to reach their amazing potential. I think that he believed, and I agree, that when we put our minds to it we can all achieve greatness. I think it made him very happy when people pulled themselves out of whatever was keeping them down and reached for something. Personally I think that when we achieve our purpose, whatever that may be, it helps to heal the world. I think Michael would agree.

When we achieve our life goals, the sound of approval will rise across the universe.

I feel that Michael will rest easier if we strive to achieve something while we are here. Michael would be so hurt that you feel okay with loosing your life. Since he is no longer here to make a change in the world, we've got to do it for him!

I find it very healing to help others. When I can't take it, when I just can't stop crying or feeling unbearable pain, the one thing that always eases that for a time is helping someone. When I am down I will stop at a store and buy a homeless person something to eat. It lifts me a little and makes me feel closer to Michael.

You can always talk to us :) we may not know just how you feel, but we have some understanding of what you are going through in our small way.

Lark
 
I know how you feel. Since I am still in a constant state of mourning. My constant wearing of all black clothes is a good proof of it. I am still suffering from deep depression over what had happen. And knowing what is about to happen next month. Is just making me feel even more worst. True justice for me is seeing him get the death penalty. Have the state do to him. That he did to my beloved Michael. Since he took away my most greatest joy I had in my life. I used to listen to him every single day when we still had him. Now only when I am out in public is when I can listen to him. Since I can't cry over him then. So listening to him is something I really don't do much of anymore. Nor does watching him. In almost 2 weeks it will be one year since I had last tried to watch him. Which that cause me to suffer a panic attack. Never did I thought I will have a panic attack while watching Michael. My phobia of bees yes but never with Michael. So watching him has now been replace with playing video and computer games. It is the only time when I am feeling better. Cause I am not thinking about him then. I can't even really call myself an MJ fan anymore. Since I don't even like going in to my MJ sites anymore. Since coming to my MJ sites only causes me more pain. Because of the fans posting all sorts of MJ related videos. Which really hurts me since I can't go and watch them. Because of the fear that I could suffer another panic attack if I did. So I just tend to go back and play with one of my video or computer games. In the past 4 years my MJ hating mother refuses seek any kind of help that I know need. In fact she is just so sick and tired of hearing me. She has even started making fun of me of my constant wearing of all black clothes. She has never not even once cared at all about how I have been feeling in the past 4 years. Which is something I should expect from her. Especially since she was the one that made fun of what had happen to him. Right in front of me just 2 days after it had happen. So I can not get her to understand why I am such a video games addict now. When back when we still had him. My Sims games was the only game addiction that I had. Now it is almost any kind of video or computer game. My MJ fandom which was once a true hardcore fan. Now it is almost non existent.:( :boohoo Though I still keep my bedroom a total shrine to him. With the 12 MJ posters I have up on my walls and doors. Almost every where in my room is something MJ related. Which is something that is never going to change for me. I am one of Michael's older fans. Been one since the early 80s.:( I am 33 years old now.
 
Thanks Lark for your uplifting words :angel:

Thanks TwinklEE for opening your :heart: to us.
We can of course NOT 'represent' any 'Professional' help but we can give you an insight on how we 'survive' and 'thrive' as fellow fans. :better:

Talking or 'writing' it here is the FIRST step to Healing and everyone has its pace. I may seemed 'healed' now but I still got watch for my 'triggers' that would eventually plunge me back into my depression.

Indeed, I did go and see my GP about my depression. Instead of 'whisking' it away with meds, he just listened :angel:

He gave me some GREAT advice too that I 'try' to think about every day :blush:

Eat healthy!
Try to avoid Stress and stuff that makes you sad and frustrated. You don't need to carry the whole world or someone pain :sigh:
Take walks in nature and have a fixed 'sleep' routine'
Don't isolate yourself cause the 'inner demons' will come back to 'haunt' you.
Get out in the BIG BAD world although you think its :evil: and there's NO hope but Michael 'in spirit' will be there 'every' step of the way :angel:

Go back to College, plunge into a challenge that will make you 'forget' all about the 'recent' mayhem. Its NOT the same as you can't LOVE Michael any more or the 'dreaded' get over it line peeps use to 'help' you.

It's like Lark said... I'll quote here cause she said it PERFECTLY :cheeky:

The way I am getting through it is by listening to Michael. Not just listening to his music but by hearing him and what he had to say.
Click to expand...
Michael wanted everyone, each and every person to reach their amazing potential. I think that he believed, and I agree, that when we put our minds to it we can all achieve greatness. I think it made him very happy when people pulled themselves out of whatever was keeping them down and reached for something. Personally I think that when we achieve our purpose, whatever that may be, it helps to heal the world. I think Michael would agree.

When we achieve our life goals, the sound of approval will rise across the universe.

I feel that Michael will rest easier if we strive to achieve something while we are here. Michael would be so hurt that you feel okay with loosing your life. Since he is no longer here to make a change in the world, we've got to do it for him!

I find it very healing to help others. When I can't take it, when I just can't stop crying or feeling unbearable pain, the one thing that always eases that for a time is helping someone. When I am down I will stop at a store and buy a homeless person something to eat. It lifts me a little and makes me feel closer to Michael.
Click to expand...


THIS is what makes me SURVIVE and THRIVE. I'm going back to College next week cause indeed I FEEL like dying here too at HOME :blush:

Its something PERSONAL I know and everyone has his pace and stands on his own ground but ONE fine day, you have to 'pick' yourself up and say STOP to what is KILLING you and GO for the LIGHT :angel: cause Michael is there waiting for you at the end of the dark tunnel. Don't be afraid to walk through it with a FAST pace ;D

My life is quite brighter NOW since I went back to College cause you MEET other souls and you have the CHANCE to make Michael PROUD if you chase your DREAMS again.

Is it scary? Yes!
Is it exciting? Indeed, it is.
Is it disrespectful towards Michael to be happy again? NAH, Michael would indeed rest easier if he sees that you have listened well and are NOW fulfilling YOUR mission so that when the day arrives you will MEET him again, he'll be PROUD and know in his heart and mind that his 'suffering' wasn't in vain cause we 'learnt' from it and it made us 'grow' into the beautiful and resilient people we are today!

So, yep! If you NEED to lift your heavy :heart: We are HERE for you as YOU ARE NOT ALONE :friends:

Daryll.
 
I just don't know how to keep these feelings in control..
Click to expand...

I also want to add that trying to surpress your feelings can be harmful. It may be tough, but allow yourself to feel what you are feeling without sinking into the quicksand of it all. Allow yourself to go through it because it is THROUGH it that you will find light and something to hold onto. I hope this makes sense.

I am sure I seemed like a crazy person this past year, I never spoke to anyone all I did was sit at home and cry. If you read some of my old posts you will see I started a thread just like this one entitled "I need you" where my fellow MJJCers, including Daryll, helped me through. But I know I wasn't crazy. Trust the way you feel is for a reason, but always strive to lift yourself. little by little, in your own time you will get there.

I believe in you, and I know Michael does too :hug:

Lark
 
twinklEE said:
I just need to get this off my chest, since I can't discuss this with anyone I know in person without them thinking I'm a basket case, I'm writing it here.

When Michael died back in 2009, I was completely shattered and heart broken like -all of us. Michael was more than just a celebrity to me, in my mind I could connect to him on another level, I felt like I had some kind of a connection to him, despite not knowing him personally.

I first became a MJ fan during the Invincible era, shortly before the Bashir interview and and trial. I remember defending Michael throughout middle and high school, which wasn't always easy considering the lynch campaign the media was on back then.

Michael's death really took a toll on me, so much that I've been suffering from depressions on and off since 09. Even had t take antidepressants for some time.

Earlier this year I kept myself busy by doing an internship for my studies. Now that it has finished I can't help but be caught up back in ''MJ world''. This AEG case has affected me badly and I can't stop crying everyday, because of what Michael went through and still has to go through.

My entire room is basically a shrine to MJ with 5 big posters hanging on the walls and even on the ceiling, he is the last thing I see when I go to bed, and the first thing when I wake up in the morning. I'm just feeling this never ending pain, I wish the pain would stop. At times I cry like a baby because I get emotional over something I've read, or a picture I've seen.

It feels like the pain never stops, it just gets worse when I think of what he had to endure. I can not imagine the pain he had to go through. At times I wish I'd die so that I don't have to feel anything anymore. It's not like I'm wanting to harm myself, but I wouldn't have a problem with not waking up tomorrow, or dying in an accident or so.

At least that way I'd be closer to him. I don't see the point of continuing when Michael was so brutally taken away from here. I first thought these thoughts/feelings would change/leave me when Murray was on trial, I thought I'd be able to get closure after he was convicted, but I couldn't.

Every night I pray that I don't have to wake up in the morning, but so far in vain. I just want to stop existing, sometimes.

I just don't know how to keep these feelings in control..
Click to expand...



tumblr_mbaqy6y07Z1qkwbdeo1_400.gif
 
Twinklee,

hang in there girl... it will be ok.. I miss MJ too. Although I try and weather the storm by saying I will see him again and that he can no longer be hurt where he is
 
Lark0016 said:
I also want to add that trying to surpress your feelings can be harmful. It may be tough, but allow yourself to feel what you are feeling without sinking into the quicksand of it all. Allow yourself to go through it because it is THROUGH it that you will find light and something to hold onto. I hope this makes sense.

I am sure I seemed like a crazy person this past year, I never spoke to anyone all I did was sit at home and cry. If you read some of my old posts you will see I started a thread just like this one entitled "I need you" where my fellow MJJCers, including Daryll, helped me through. But I know I wasn't crazy. Trust the way you feel is for a reason, but always strive to lift yourself. little by little, in your own time you will get there.

I believe in you, and I know Michael does too :hug:

Lark
Click to expand...

awww :blush: Thanks Lark :ciao:
You see, lark helped me too to reach that light.

The reason why it took me 4 years was simply, I wasn't HONEST with myself, I know that NOW. I was NOT taking this 'grief thingy' serious and since I did, I crawled out of that abyss I had fallen into or was I trapped there and didn't know.

So, it's only through the fire that you will reach the light!

Take care! :friends:
 
twinklEE said:
Earlier this year I kept myself busy by doing an internship for my studies. Now that it has finished I can't help but be caught up back in ''MJ world''.

This AEG case has affected me badly and I can't stop crying everyday, because of what Michael went through and still has to go through.
Click to expand...

Dear twinklEE
suppose you are younger than I (64) and therefore i may venture an opinion.

There is nothing wrong when your grief about Michael's dead and your pain about the distress in his live is still there.
And sometimes it takes long time (years) or it will never end to 100%.
For that there is only ONE way for you: You must learn to handle with your depressions.
Look, the depression is there and is un-sucessfull if you take antidepressiva because it goes only away for a very short time and later it is there again.
Take your Michael-depression as a part from your live and give your pain time how long it need. Listen the pain. You may allow your depression to stay over you only sometimes and you can learn to say: Now is a break with my depression for a while and I will see all that beautyfull in Michael's life and in MY life.
Be good to you and your psyche/soul. Your soul needs still this grief and your soul should may it.


You are writing you had interrupted the depression because your studies. That is a very good sign. You can see: You can!

Maybe you can find something what gives your soul a good feeling and, no, I don't mean donating money to a organization but doing something direct (I don't know where you are living, but here in Berlin there are many Cats who buyed from people as they were nice babies and putting to the outside when they were not more babies or made the flat dirthy. They are hungry, needs kastration or sterilisation... only for example...)

But be patient with yourself; sometimes it goes with this interrupting-thing and sometimes it goes not so well.

My best wishes to you! Stay strong and keep an eye on yourself too! You know: Michael would wanted it!
 
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MJsBollywoodGirl7 said:
I know how you feel. Since I am still in a constant state of mourning. My constant wearing of all black clothes is a good proof of it. I am still suffering from deep depression over what had happen. And knowing what is about to happen next month. Is just making me feel even more worst. Which is why maybe I should have gone through with one of my 3 suicide attempts. At least I won't be alive for when that monster gets out of a prison. 4 years is not what I call justice. True justice for me is seeing him get the death penalty. Have the state do to him. That he did to my beloved Michael. Since he took away my most greatest joy I had in my life. I used to listen to him every single day when we still had him. Now only when I am out in public is when I can listen to him. Since I can't cry over him then. So listening to him is something I really don't do much of anymore. Nor does watching him. In almost 2 weeks it will be one year since I had last tried to watch him. Which that cause me to suffer a panic attack. Never did I thought I will have a panic attack while watching Michael. My phobia of bees yes but never with Michael. So watching him has now been replace with playing video and computer games. It is the only time when I am feeling better. Cause I am not thinking about him then. I can't even really call myself an MJ fan anymore. Since I don't even like going in to my MJ sites anymore. Since coming to my MJ sites only causes me more pain. Because of the fans posting all sorts of MJ related videos. Which really hurts me since I can't go and watch them. Because of the fear that I could suffer another panic attack if I did. So I just tend to go back and play with one of my video or computer games. In the past 4 years my MJ hating mother refuses seek any kind of help that I know need. In fact she is just so sick and tired of hearing me. She has even started making fun of me of my constant wearing of all black clothes. She has never not even once cared at all about how I have been feeling in the past 4 years. Which is something I should expect from her. Especially since she was the one that made fun of what had happen to him. Right in front of me just 2 days after it had happen. So I can not get her to understand why I am such a video games addict now. When back when we still had him. My Sims games was the only game addiction that I had. Now it is almost any kind of video or computer game. My MJ fandom which was once a true hardcore fan. Now it is almost non existent.:( :boohoo Though I still keep my bedroom a total shrine to him. With the 12 MJ posters I have up on my walls and doors. Almost every where in my room is something MJ related. Which is something that is never going to change for me. I am one of Michael's older fans. Been one since the early 80s.:( I am 33 years old now.
Click to expand...

Until that last sentence, I thought you were a teenager. Why do you need your mother to get help for you when you're 33 years old?

I'm sure Michael would be devastated to know some fans have contemplated suicide over him. I truly hope you and Twinklee find the help and understanding you need to get better.
 
In the AEG trial they paint a black picture but remember Michael was smiling when he went home from his last rehearsal.
He had to endure a lot but he had happy times too, even in his last months.
A fan-who gave him the t-shirt curls for your girls , 23/6-09-asked him if he was happy.
Michael answered I´m happy if you are happy.

I think it goes up and down for most of us, sometimes we are happy sometimes not.
Sometimes it´s the circumstances and sometimes you don´t know why you feel blue.

I imagine there is something on the other side, Michael is going to have the greatest concert,you get the ticket if you can answer what did you do to heal the world.It should be something you put your heart into.

I am the particle
I am the wave
Whirling at lightning speed
I am the fluctuation
That takes the lead
I am the Prince
I am the Knave
I am the doing
That is the deed
I am the galaxy, the void of space
In the Milky Way
I am the craze

I am the thinker, the thinking, the thought
I am the seeker, the seeking, the sought
I am the dewdrop, the sunshine, the storm
I am the phenomenon, the field, the form
I am the desert, the ocean, the sky
I am the Primeval Self
In you and I
Click to expand...

I don´t know where you live but if you can go out into the nature it´s good,I think Nature has a healing power .
 
LindavG said:
Until that last sentence, I thought you were a teenager. Why do you need your mother to get help for you when you're 33 years old?

I truly hope you and Twinklee find the help and understanding you need to get better.
Click to expand...

Because I don't work and that I have learning disabilities and health problems. That I am unable to work because of that.
 
It's true, I think Daryl and MIST are right. Eating healthy and being in nature are so important. If you have a TV, turn it off. It's great to be on here sometimes, but get outside and drink plenty of water. Meditation and exercise, just 20 minutes a day, can make a big difference.
 
twinkIEE, I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time. I can totally relate to you, as I feel the same way on weekends, or whenever I have a little extra time and my thoughts revolve mainly around Michael. Although he's top of mind always, when I'm at work and as I'm handling a couple of large projects at the moment, it's not so bad.

I'm assuming you are still studying or between jobs, so with a lot of free time? If that is the case, my advice is to find some activities that interest you. Perhaps you can volunteer at a local charity? That can be so rewarding, and make you feel close to Michael - saying this with personal experience.

If the other crap going on is getting to you, just try to take your mind off it. I read the AEG trial forum, but somehow manage keep myself detached from all of that. Not posting and getting involved in debates has been helpful in this regard. My feelings and opinion of Michael are set in stone. Nothings going to change that.
 
I can imagine what you go through cause I am not the one to sit and say "I KNOW what you've gone through", it's not right I know that but let me say this, loosing somebody (especially Michael) was really difficult to cope... I had to really turn the time back completely to be able to sit here today and tell you these wise words...

Having your room shrine to Michael might not always be a good idea cause if you're a person that deals with depression and FEEL depressed of something like this it can hardly ever heal (Trust me I had to almost "throw" all of my Michael things away when he died and now many years after I've healed enough to be able to have Michael in my house) but it all depends on how you feel inside. My suggestion to you would be you put some or all of your merchandises of Michael away for a while to be able to heal yourself in my case it only got worst when I still had all of my Michael memorabilia in my house, I got better because of that.

I am not saying that you should stop loving Michael or something like that, let him just "rest" for a while and when you feel it's time to "bring" him out again do that.

Hope you take this in the right way!
 
Wonderful and uplifting advice :angel:

Indeed, the Psych consult said to me "Having a schedule and planning stuff is VERY important to HEAL and STAY focused"

Otherwise, all these worries eats you alive :blink:

If you can't handle stuff like AEG trial where Michael's darkest hours are 'revealed' than TRY to stay away. Its NOT the same as burying your head in the sand but if it doesn't HEAL you, the BEST thing you can do is AVOID that 'trigger'.

Try to find ways to REFUEL your energy :angel:

I talked in a 'previous' post about 'triggers' :blush: Try to locate yours and then 'rule' them out! In that way, you can HEAL!

I had to 'rule' out MJ parties, MJ tributes, the AEG trial, watching THIS IS IT :cry:, watching TV in general.

Positive stuff I do: Write down my feelings, escape in stories, bring light to people, engage in charity goals, chase my dreams, take walks in nature, eat healthy, have a fixed schedule, know when to STOP. only follow my favourite stuff on TV.

Take care you all :friends:

Daryll
 
Hi twinklEE,

I just want to send you a hug and let you know that it's okay to be sad.
You will get through this and you WILL be fine, just don't give up and in Michael's words; 'Keep the Faith" .

If you need to talk feel free to PM me.

xx
 
Thank you all so much for the comforting words, thoughts, tips and prayers. I will try my best.
@Petrarose special thanks to you, thank you for all your advices. Love xoxo
 
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