Like a loss of sunlight
in a cloudy afternoon
gone too soon.
Why Michael, why? That's a question I aim to punish me for a whole week and even more. Until a couple of nights ago I got a experience which would change my whole thinking of this situation, but before I even sum up my experience and what happened I will take you back 20 years to where I was a little girl, a four year old adopted child from Chile, a new home, a new invorment and new chance for a better life.
I had just arrived to Sweden from a struggled childhood I beyond had a couple of months before, no mother or father that took care of me, I had to pretty much take care of myself and was thrown to one orphanage to another in which I ended up landing at a place where I had a future, a bright future with hopes and dreams. I've always been fascinated by so many things, been exploring the most common things that most people take for granted but I still get amazed by cartoons, I still get amazed by the fact you can be yourself with any age that matters. All from 2 years old to 10. I loosen up when I learned it's ok to be a child when you want to, you aren't just an adult cause the sociaty tells you are.
Michael came in my life in 1989, a time when I needed comfort the most and he ejected my heart and stepped into where my heart was broken and healed it, he sealed it and would never go away. He made my life smile, my entire childhood have some sort of matter and understanding in meantime trying to raise me in a proper manner. He was my second-time father, healer and guider through these 20 years I've known him and respected him. It was in fact not until 1997 or 1998 I started to realize what Michael actually meant to me, I was a looner in most people's eyes, misunderstood exactly like Michael cause he rose me in a way that he felt was necessary and I did everything Michael did. I remember I used to come to school dressed in whatever I felt like at one time I had a mask on me and his hat, I was called strange and weird, just as Michael.
I didn't have any friends as Michael didn't have a normal childhood, we grew up lonely and confused on who we actually were, but whenever I felt lonely and sad I turned to Michael for comfort he was always there, bringing him back to life after a whole year almost forgetting about him was a wake up call. "Don't ever let go of Michael again, you need him in your life to be able to survive". Of course there were times in my life which I felt was impossible to cope from even if I tried to regain strength and understanding from Michael he had a struggle at some point coming through me but I faught and I faught and he did the same to come through me and we both connected ones again, I was there at both molestation accusations, I held him tight when he needed my support the most.
I saw the weakness in Michael that I hadn't seen before, I got scared and afraid and saw a difference in him I hadn't seen before, that's when I got nightmares, daily nightmares that someone would hurt my father, healer and guider. Who? I didn't know but someone evil and hater would kill him at the end, every single day I prayed he'd be safe and had a hard time waking up in the morning afraid I'll see the headlines that he died.
"I don't want that to happen, ever Michael will live forever," I used to say to my friends which thought it sounded weird again and finding me even crazier than before, so cut all contacts with them when I started high school, I was in my own and was getting used with the bullying and constant giggling and laughing behind my back. I redrew from the crowd, locked myself up in a trance of zone, I spent my every single night for 9 years clawing at Michael and depending on Michael, he was my ONLY friend for nine years, the only person that I could relay on, someone that wouldn't just get up and run the fastest he could away from me.
But he also made my door open up, for the first time in several years he made me see the light of hope, FRIENDS! It was as if I could see from behind him smiling and been happy for me. I got to do things I hadn't done for 4 years since my 18th birthday, clubbing, partying, having a time of my life, it was the first time I ever experienced all of that, it was new, it was exciting and most of all thrilling and chilling.
Years passed until I finally got the chance to be near him, for the first time EVER I stood up close and near him, I am so sad I didn't get the chance to thank him for helping me become my own, but I was close very close, I could smell his scents and how beautiful he looked, smiling so widely at me and touching my cheek and giving me a kiss, it was as if he said "This is for you only, keep this memory alive" and I had since then. He was my savor and my light, someone I could depend on, someone that always was there for me, I wanted to end it all last week when I got the horrible news, I predicted the worst years ago and it came true, my worst nightmare came true, it kept me in valium for an amount of days until one night I was laying in my bed trying to sleep.
I heard this "shhhh" in my ear, I crept up like a baby and held my pillow tight and a stroke through my hair emerged suddenly.
"It's alright, it's ok", I heard a voice whisper in my ear, I never saw him but he was there all night stroking my hair, my arms and my hands, he's been doing that since which comforted me enough to start think of this situation better, he also gives me light and happiness also, just the other night he played with my computer mouse looking at the light on it, he made me smile for the first time since last week (I've faked smile before), he played with my computer and I'm certain he'll make some noises too just to make me smile.
What people must understand is, we've lost a CLOSE family member, our heart, our world. We've lost simply Michael Jackson, but we have to stand together now as uni and never forget Michael's mission.
HEALING THE WORLD!
Thanks for reading, god bless everyone of you!
- Cindy Jackson
