Do You Sometimes Still Struggle?

[Cats-whiskas]

Hi All, apologies if I have posted this in the wrong place or if this has been discussed before. Still finding my feet here. I have been a fan for over 35 years and grown up with Michael. I know it has been 8 years now since we lost him but sometimes I have days where it really sinks in and I really do struggle that he is gone? Does anyone know what I mean? It is so hard to discuss this anywhere other than with other people who are MJ fans. People in the 'real world' look at me like I have three heads if I even begin to discuss the genuine grief I went through for someone I never actually met or knew in real life. Today has been one of those days. Recently I told my 6 yr old that Michael was in heaven now. He has grown up with MJ too through me and I had to tell him as he asked if we could meet Michael some day. That was a tough thing to do.

I think somewhere deep down I could never imagine Michael growing old. It just didn't seem like something that was possible, I guess because he just seemed so other worldly in many ways. But I never actually considered him dying. His death also had a bit of an existential impact on me in a way. But even though I tried to touch on my feelings in therapy sessions - it just seemed they dismissed feelings of grief for someone famous.

Seeing everything he had to endure in his life was hard to make sense of and the fact that he died still with people saying so much trash about him and believing the most horrendous things, I find hard. For someone who was such an incredible humanitarian - there just seems to be no justice. I don't have any particular beliefs. I kind of believe you die and that is it, you are snuffed out. Gone. It just all seems so unfair. I hate the fact that as soon as I tell people I am a fan of Michael, I then have to wait for the next bit where I have to defend whether or not he was guilty of heinous crimes. It makes me so angry that his memory has been blighted like this.

Sorry to have rambled but does anyone get what I mean? I think Michael is an artist unlike many others as not only did he give his fans his music and incredible talent but he really gave you so much to morally aspire to. Most fans became a fan of the person behind the music and what he stood for. I know none of us ever really knew him, but we knew his message and were a fan of that too.

Please tell me I am not alone in my ramblings. Does anyone get where I am coming from?

 

[EmJ1979]

I know exactly what you mean. Some days I can watch him and other days I can put something on and it makes me sad to think that he's not here anymore. I love to watch the documentaries and interviews, the ones with him actually in them not just other people talking about him. When I see him running around and having fun I always sit and think how could people have been so vile to him when he was such a lovable person. Then I think about how he was so lonely and I hate that so much. No one should ever have to be alone.
I do believe that there is something after this world so all the people who have passed have now moved onto a better place. A place with no pain and no prejudice and no hurt where you gravitate to the people you loved most on earth. I have read a bit about it and some people probably think I'm a nutter but I believe this isn't it.

 

[Daryll748]

Well, yeah recently I've been having this moments too! So, kudo's for this brave thread and I'm glad there is still a place where we can utter our true feelings about Michael as in the 'real world' you just have to claim you're okay as it's been 8 years and on and WHY should you still 'grieve' over a 'celeb' People just don't get it that even 'celebs' are people who you can love 'unconditionally' and who can shape your world and bring you lots of joy and meaning to life.

I've been 'loving' Michael for a straight 35 years now and I admit I've never 'grieved so hard for anyone like Michael. I think it's the fact of him been 'murdered' and that I just couldn't say 'goodbye' to him. He was literally 'snatched' out of our hands.

The world had become such a :coockoo::coockoo::coockoo: place since Michael was sent to heaven.

If that gets people 'up in arms' Yeah, I believe in 'heaven' and I believe we go 'home' to a better place where I'm sure Michael is if only to 'soften' the blow of his loss and to give him 'a place' where he is now.

I don't care what people think I'm still proud of Michael and I will always be proud of him no matter what 'tabloid' stories people believe in. I knew the 'real' Michael. Kind Loving Inspirational, too damn good for this world really!

I live on in his name and do all to make him proud and just do the stuff he taught me to 'believe' in myself and to just go for your dreams and all.

To end this ramble lol.
Yeah, I thought the 'anger' would just 'evaporate' over the years but it's like a 'volcano'. Lots of days are quiet as I have my fave Music and my passions and then some days the volcano just 'erupts' especially if I watch something on TV that reminds me of what Michael endured. Then the 'earthquake' erupts and I'm all upset all over again. So, yeah the struggle remains...

 

[Cats-whiskas]

Thank you Daryll748 for your kind response. I almost deleted my post many times as I was writing it. My fandom is a very personal and sensitive issue for me and to share it was hard. I hope it lets others who feel the same, know that they aren't alone. x

 

[MJsBollywoodGirl7]

All of the damn time. When I am at home I am still always wearing a black MJ t-shirt, black pants, and 3 MJ necklaces. Then again those necklaces practically never leaves my neck. Seeing people on tv that once knew doesn't help make me feel better. What is really upsetting for me is when I hear stories about people who came back from experiencing Heaven. That is really not fair to me is they got to do that and Michael didn't. If it did we would still have him now. I am 37 and I have been a MJ fan ever since sometime back in the early to mid 80s. When I had heard the worst news ever about him. I knew my once H word life was never going to be the same for me. All I had wanted to do that first horrible summer with him was sleep. Just so I could try and forget of what had happen to him. That first month without him I had lost 50 pounds since I totally stopped eating. I just had totally lost all interest in eating. And during the first 3 months without him I had completely lost the taste for chicken. And chicken was my prefer choice of meat to eat. Especially since I have given up eating all pork and most red meats about 10 years or so ago. During those first 3 horrible months without him. Every single time I had looked at chicken it just put me off of wanting to eat it. Since it was just a horrible reminder of how much Michael used to love to eat chicken. Now I can eat it just fine now. Also every single time I come on this site. which is not very much anymore. Either 1 to maybe 3 times a day at the most. I tend to always ask myself why do I even bother anymore? When this site is never going to be like how it was back when we still had him. Back then I was probably on this site 15 to 20 times a day. If not more than that. Since all if not most of the topics on this site was updated probably every 30 minutes or so. Probably even less than that. I was one of his most devoted hardcore fans. He was my total obsession back when we still had him. Now my MJ fandom still remains on life support. In other words my MJ fandom is almost non existence. I live in the United States and in my country we have about several tv programs that is all about the latest celebrity news and gossip. And I don't even bother watching any of it. What is the point when I am never going to hear the latest news about Michael. And what is going on with him. Michael was really the only American celeb that I ever had an interest in hearing about. Back in the 90s and up until what happen to him. I had this obsession of always wanting to tape anything that was about him. Good or bad I did not care if it was MJ it had to be taped. I still have all of the news stories about him on blank vhs tapes. And I can't even look at a single one of them now without really crying. The same goes for the Music award shows like the AMA's, VMA's, and the Grammys. What is the point of even watching them when you are never going to see Michael on them ever again. Or see anything related to him up for another award. :boohoo Now it is all these untalented singers getting these awards now. When the awards should only be given out to truly talented singers. I can't tell you just how badly it still really hurts to hear about untalented singers like Justin Beiber getting some sort of a music award. And sadly there is almost no more truly talented singers left in my country. At least not that I know of. Even thinking about it is making me cry now. And it is not just the news stories and music awards that I have on tape that is about him. It is also all the MJ related specials I also had taped. Like the home movies, the interviews he did, and the Elizabeth Taylor birthday special from 1997. And then there is all of the concerts I bought from Ebay, Moonwalker, and the HIStory and Dangerous short films. All of that is now collecting dust now. Since I will never be able to watch them again. And this is the same fan that would freak out. If I saw the most tiniest little speck of dust on an MJ related video. Now I don't even care if the dust on them is 7 inches thick. I am never going to able to watch them again. Well not without suffering from one of my anxiety attacks. That my depression over what happen to him cause me to suffer with now. I can't tell you just how badly I still miss my MJ nights. Almost every single night back when we still had him. I used to have what I like to call my MJ nights. When I will spend a few hours of watching and listening to him. As I also spend even more time in my MJ sites. By having those MJ nights I knew I was going to have a good night's worth of sleep. Since I will be having another one of my amazing MJ dreams. Where I often was his lover in those dreams. And I can't even begin to tell you just how incredible those dreams were. Now ever since what happen to him. I have been suffering from horrible insomnia. And the most worst horrific vivid nightmares about him. And on very rare occasions his kids as well are a part of those nightmares. When I have one of those nightmares I am up the entire night. Since going back to sleep is practically impossible for me. Just like my MJ related videos and dvds. I don't care if I have dust collecting on the rest of my MJ items. Most especially my Michael Jackson Opus book that I have. Ever since getting that book on December 18th 2009. I only ever looked at that book 3 times. And each of those 3 times had really brought on the tears for me. So I decided it is best to never look at that book ever again. Plus it is a huge reminder of how much Michael would have love that book. :boohoo Also ever since what happen to him. I don't even bother celebrating my birthday anymore. What is the point of it when the 3 things I was so accustom of doing on my birthday I can never do again. Which was spending the day watching and listening to him. As well as spending the day of h word wondering what he and his kids were doing on my birthday. Now when ever I hear or see someone celebrating their birthday it tends to make me very, very angry. Because they still get to celebrate their birthday and I can't. It is all thanks to that nameless ahole is why I can't celebrate my birthday anymore. I remember back when I was celebrating my 29th birthday. I was making huge plans of how I had wanted my 30th birthday to be. And I wanted my 30th birthday to be entirely MJ theme the cake and everything. It was something I always wanted to have. And unfortunately that never happen for me. Since it was my first birthday without him. And all I had wanted to do was to try very hard to forget what kind of day it was for me. And what really hurts the most for me. Is that my bedroom is no longer my MJ shrine all of the pictures and posters I had up on my walls and doors have all been taken down. And are now down in the basement. I don't even know what to do with them now. I don't want to sell them. Since my MJ collection is still too much a part of me. But I also don't want to see them. Most especially see them in my room. I was probably the only MJ fan in the world that truly can say they have so much in common with him. Like some of these:


We were both born on a Friday during a full moon
we both have this weird connection to the number 7
Every 4 years our birthdays would fall on the same day of the week
We were both both born in 2 of the 3 top Amish states Indiana and Pennsylvania
We were both born in opposite corners of our states. 30 miles from a major city that has a river running through the city.
We both have a skin disorder though mine is not anything like his.


About the weird 7 connection. For me it is things like my birthday is exactly 7 months and 25 days before his. My older brother's birthday is 6 months and 1 day after mine. And I was 29 years old on that horrible June day of that horrible year. It is no wonder why our favorite number is 7. So it is still quite understandable of why I am still really hurting over what happen to him. But thankfully I have my Bollywood and video/computer games obsessions to help me get through on most days. Since there is only 2 times of the year I can listen to Michael which is his birthday and that horrible June date. Where I was once 3 times suicidal during the first horrible year without him. Now I am not since I had forced myself to go back to my Christian religion after what happen to him. And before that I had once considered myself an atheist for years back when we still had him. I realized now what a huge mistake that was. And as badly I still miss watching and listening to Michael. I have Shahrukh Khan now. Watching one of his performance is almost like watching an MJ performance. His dancing reminds me of Michael dancing in away. But the real MJ like dancer is Hrithik Roshan his dancing can practically match Michael's dancing. He and the Indian singer Sonu Nigam are definitely India's version of Michael Jackson. If you heard Sonu Nigam's song Tees Maar Khan you will know what I mean. All the different voices in that song were all done by him. I am so extremely thankful that I have my favorite Indian celebs to help me get me through of what happen to Michael. Because if I didn't have them and my obsession to video/computer games. I probably really would have gone through with one of my 3 suicide attempts. During that first horrible year with out him. :boohoo Of course being force to live with 2 MJ haters is not helping my depression or my anxiety. Ever since what happen they have not been very understanding at all. Especially my MJ hating mother. She has never not even once been at all sympathetic or remorseful to me. Over what had happen to him. And my mother is always saying that I don't care about her. How the hell can I start caring about her. When she never once cared about me after what happen to Michael. She even once threatened me during that first summer without him. That I better snap out of it or else. But thanks to what that evil nameless ahole did. I have since gotten used to living a life full of total constant misery and deep depression. My Bollywood revenge movies does help make me feel some what better. Especially watching Shivani Chopra and Pratap Ravi get their revenge on the people that destroyed their life. In the 1994 movie Anjaam and the 2010 movie Rakta Charitra. And sorry for my long post. But this is pretty much how much my life is now. And it is all thanks to that evil ahole that I have since gotten used to it. And it is also thanks to him that there is literally nothing to look forward to as a MJ fan. Well not for me there isn't anymore. :boohoo

 

[Cats-whiskas]

Wow I feel so much for you Hun. I just want to give you a hug. I think it is so sad that you can't bear to watch or listen to Michael. I have times when it is hard and there are certain songs I can't listen to at all. But I try so hard to celebrate the fact that we had him. And we lived in a time when Michael was here and doing amazing things. No one can take that away. Sending you lots of Love x x x

 

[EmJ1979]

Well, yeah recently I've been having this moments too! So, kudo's for this brave thread and I'm glad there is still a place where we can utter our true feelings about Michael as in the 'real world' you just have to claim you're okay as it's been 8 years and on and WHY should you still 'grieve' over a 'celeb' People just don't get it that even 'celebs' are people who you can love 'unconditionally' and who can shape your world and bring you lots of joy and meaning to life.

I've been 'loving' Michael for a straight 35 years now and I admit I've never 'grieved so hard for anyone like Michael. I think it's the fact of him been 'murdered' and that I just couldn't say 'goodbye' to him. He was literally 'snatched' out of our hands.
Who cares what other people think, we can all believe in what we believe in and that is the point of living in free world. I don't believe in god but I don't believe that this is it. I believe we move on to a better place and that being on earth was to teach us lessons. If we have learnt all we need to learn then we can choose to stay there or we can choose to come back. I have seen psychics and they have told me things they really wouldn't know about deceased family members and I don't mean generic things that could be guessed. If people think I'm nuts then so be it but I am who I am and I believe what I believe.

The world had become such a :coockoo::coockoo::coockoo: place since Michael was sent to heaven.

If that gets people 'up in arms' Yeah, I believe in 'heaven' and I believe we go 'home' to a better place where I'm sure Michael is if only to 'soften' the blow of his loss and to give him 'a place' where he is now.

I don't care what people think I'm still proud of Michael and I will always be proud of him no matter what 'tabloid' stories people believe in. I knew the 'real' Michael. Kind Loving Inspirational, too damn good for this world really!

I live on in his name and do all to make him proud and just do the stuff he taught me to 'believe' in myself and to just go for your dreams and all.

To end this ramble lol.
Yeah, I thought the 'anger' would just 'evaporate' over the years but it's like a 'volcano'. Lots of days are quiet as I have my fave Music and my passions and then some days the volcano just 'erupts' especially if I watch something on TV that reminds me of what Michael endured. Then the 'earthquake' erupts and I'm all upset all over again. So, yeah the struggle remains...

It doesn't matter what other people believe, we can all believe in what we want to believe in and I applaud you for saying that. I believe in life after death but I don't believe in god.

 

[KOPV]

It's all bitter sweet to me, hearing/watching Michael.. I don't think I'll ever fully grasp the fact he's not here.. There was not a life without Michael, I mean my mother grew up with Michael, I grew up with Michael.. Yes he was human but the impact of art was omnipresent - through time & place...

Also his voice, his eyes, his presence was SO alive that we could feel his presence wherever we were!! how do we "kill off" something that lives within us that we can still feel? you watch a piece of footage of him emoting, he is so alive in that moment..

 

[Cats-whiskas]

It's all bitter sweet to me, hearing/watching Michael.. I don't think I'll ever fully grasp the fact he's not here.. There was not a life without Michael, I mean my mother grew up with Michael, I grew up with Michael.. Yes he was human but the impact of art was omnipresent - through time & place...

Also his voice, his eyes, his presence was SO alive that we could feel his presence wherever we were!! how do we "kill off" something that lives within us that we can still feel? you watch a piece of footage of him emoting, he is so alive in that moment..

I can't grasp it either. Got the day off today so me and my 16mth old baby sat and watched History tour and 30th Anniversary show. I was loving life. At end of show, Michael said goodnight and then bam. A black screen. White writing. Michael Jackson 1958-2009. Cue mood crash and tears. Gonna be one of those days.

 

[michaeljacksonkingofpop]

Good thread! To be honest, it's hard to put it in words. Yes, there are some days for me where I really can't "grasp" the fact that he's no longer here because I always thought he would go on making music and doing what he loved until he would say from his own mouth on when he would stop. He taught me to help people in need the best I can! So yeah, it's still bittersweet to this day but it doesn't mean I'm less of a fan of him because I'll always be a fan.