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Divorce Discussion

Prince Of Pop

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I'm wondering if any of you have ever been through a divorce, or had your parents or a loved one go through a divorce.

What happened? Was it an ugly divorce or a mutual agreement that things were not going to work out?

My wife and I have been married 4 and a half years and things are so bad right now, the D word has come across my mind.

Could really use some personal experience stories on the matter. Thanks.
 
Divorce should be the last resort. Sit down with your wife and discuss where your problems are and work out a plan of action to sort them out:yes:
 
I am married for quite a long time. And there were times when I wanted a divorce badly. For some reason...I did not go through with it, but I wish I did.
So....I can tell you, if you feel that there is nothing to save any more...make your choice. Life is too short.
I am not happy in my marriage...there is no passion...just a habbit. But my financial situation is so bad and I don"t have a job right now. Maybe one day...
Of course, you two need to talk first.
I know a looooot of ppl who got divorced. A lot.
 
zpredra5 said:
I am married for quite a long time. And there were times when I wanted a divorce badly. For some reason...I did not go through with it, but I wish I did.
So....I can tell you, if you feel that there is nothing to save any more...make your choice. Life is too short.
I am not happy in my marriage...there is no passion...just a habbit. But my financial situation is so bad and I don"t have a job right now. Maybe one day...
Of course, you two need to talk first.
I know a looooot of ppl who got divorced. A lot.
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I am so sorry. :(

*hugs*
 
Marriage was originally a tool to enable the tying together of families for social/economic advancement and political alliances--it had nothing to do with love, and thus, I do not believe in its merits. In its modern meaning, it is unnatural and irrational, unless it is done to advance one's situation and one keeps a lover on the side like the aristocrats used to do.

In any case, if you truly can't stand the person you find yourself lodging with, and your economic situation isn't so poor that you couldn't properly support yourself if this liaison were to end, then go for it. Why waste time? Start a new life, and find someone else to court.

Here are some great quotes on the subject:

"Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience."
- Oscar Wilde

"Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out."
-Montaigne

"Call no man unhappy until he is married."
- Socrates

"[The] idealization of marriage is typical of those who are excluded from it: priests, gays, adolescents. It shows an extraordinary willful blindness."
- Michael Warner in The Trouble with Normal: Sex, Politics, and the Ethics of Queer Life (1999).

I forgot to throw in my two cents of experience: my mother, the eternal fool, has committed the foolishness Herr Wilde speaks of not once, but twice, and the ramifications the rest of us had to live through as a result of her idealism and foolhardiness are still with us to this day. Watching a woman in her late forties think and act like a teenager is among the most terrifying things I have ever witnessed in my life.
 
I think that you should talk with your partner, if you have problems in your marriage and try to solve whatever is going on. There are periods in every relationship that for different reasons things simply look very bad and you just want to give up. But if you talk then maybe you may find a way to work things out or move on. But you should talk to the person with whom you are involved with. No one here can give you advice since no one is in the actual situation and no one is attached in an emotional way. Hope you work things out.
 
does your current unhappiness have anything to do with the baby? i believe your little girl was born last november? is my memory correct? it is a lot of pressure and stress with a baby.
 
My mother was never married (I was raised by her as a single parent) and never believed in marriage. She did have some relationships and proposals, but always refused to bind herself to someone else. Two years ago she got married to the man she had been with for 7 years and she is happier than ever. I don't think it makes sense to have a single rule about what marriage means or entails. It can be a beautiful thing and I'm sure it can be horrible. I'm married for almost a year now and very happy to be so. I have faith our love will last, but of course you can never be sure. I don't know many people who got divorced, but the ones that did never really seemd to belong together in the first place. I've never seen a great couple turning sour, just witnessing the logical, natural course of a relationship happen. Some relationships just aren't meant to be forever.

I think if you consider divorce you should really try to recall what drew you to your wife/husband in the first place. Why were you married? Is there still a glimpse of that feeling left? Try look for it and focus on that, it might become bigger and you might feel in love again. You should really separate feelings of discontent that your spouse can't help and those she/he can. Maybe something else in your life isnt'going as smoothly and you're blaming it all on the marriage. Be fair to yourself and her/him. You have two young children, right? I would plan a family day and do something really nice together, like going on a picknick and maybe a night for just the two of you having dinner in a nice restaurant. If you're able to have a quarrel free, happy day together there could be light at the end of the tunnel. Try to be optimistic and see if something changes. You could set yourself a timeline in which things have to turn for the better or end in divorce. Good luck figuring out what works best!
 
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I remember I never wanted to be married. I never dreamed about it, like they say little girls do.
My mother was in hell-marriage with my father who was an abusive sob. He was beating her and abusing me.
But somehow...I fell in love and got married. I thought it will be great and I fought for that marriage for a long time.
Now...I have given up. Me and my husband are like roomates...if you know what I mean.
But of course...I believe in love and comitmend.
I am just afraid that it does not last forever.
Every human being is different. Some ppl are in search for love all the time. Some just settle and stop expecting more of life.
I still wonder what am I.
 
I would just say that the three most important words in marriage are 'communication, communication and communication. What doesn't break you does make you stronger, and it is definitely worth not giving up without a fight. Remember that you can never go 'back' in life...the hardest thing to imagine is what life is really like (and how you will really feel) after a divorce (maybe that's why so many people seem to link up with someone new so quickly afterwards.)
 
The problem is finances and my job situation. My last 2 jobs ended badly. I have a new job, but she keeps blaming me for not keeping a job. We've been having communication troubles, but she doesn't want to talk about it. She's always saying I'm the one who doesn't want to talk. Which is BS.

The last 3 days she's been out with her friends, and I've been at home with my girls. She actually missed our youngest daughters 1st easter. She missed the whole f*cking day!

Yesterday my dad sent her an email telling her how everyone had a good time, we missed her, etc etc. She made the mistake of telling my dad that all wasn't well and she was going to kick me out of the house today. My dad tipped me off, and I went home on a lunch break to grab some stuff.

So as of right now, we're officially seperated. She's blaming my work history, and saying I have an anger issue on it. The way she wrote to my dad, it sounds like this isn't going to be resolved and I don't think it will.

She is too damn stubborn. She's 25 years old and yet she acts like she's 17. The only good out of my marriage is my 2 little girls. The rest of this 4 and a half years has been nothing but a crock of crap.
 
If you see that you actually do not love your partner no more, go ahead and divorce. Some people may say that the parents need to stay together for the children's benefits; however, to me, it's nothing but marely a way of saying. You know, my parents's marriage had some trouble; they separated for many years. I and my brothers and sister want them to divorce as soon as possible because we all se that there is no way to save their marriage when they have no interest in each other.
 
Prince Of Pop said:
The problem is finances and my job situation. My last 2 jobs ended badly. I have a new job, but she keeps blaming me for not keeping a job. We've been having communication troubles, but she doesn't want to talk about it. She's always saying I'm the one who doesn't want to talk. Which is BS.

The last 3 days she's been out with her friends, and I've been at home with my girls. She actually missed our youngest daughters 1st easter. She missed the whole f*cking day!

Yesterday my dad sent her an email telling her how everyone had a good time, we missed her, etc etc. She made the mistake of telling my dad that all wasn't well and she was going to kick me out of the house today. My dad tipped me off, and I went home on a lunch break to grab some stuff.

So as of right now, we're officially seperated. She's blaming my work history, and saying I have an anger issue on it. The way she wrote to my dad, it sounds like this isn't going to be resolved and I don't think it will.

She is too damn stubborn. She's 25 years old and yet she acts like she's 17. The only good out of my marriage is my 2 little girls. The rest of this 4 and a half years has been nothing but a crock of crap.
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The most important question is: Do you still love her? Do you want to make it? Does she? Say, if she wouldn't blame you for not keeping a job, would you then be happy or is it not that simple and is this topic just the thing most arguments are about while if this wasn't the issue there would be something else to quarrel about? All these things could be overcome if you still desire to live with her and share your lives together. Love is bigger than some past job issues, especially if you now have a job and are content about keeping it. (Does she have a job herself btw? If not, she could try to get one to up the financial situation a bit.)
 
Prince Of Pop said:
The problem is finances and my job situation. My last 2 jobs ended badly. I have a new job, but she keeps blaming me for not keeping a job. We've been having communication troubles, but she doesn't want to talk about it. She's always saying I'm the one who doesn't want to talk. Which is BS.

The last 3 days she's been out with her friends, and I've been at home with my girls. She actually missed our youngest daughters 1st easter. She missed the whole f*cking day!

Yesterday my dad sent her an email telling her how everyone had a good time, we missed her, etc etc. She made the mistake of telling my dad that all wasn't well and she was going to kick me out of the house today. My dad tipped me off, and I went home on a lunch break to grab some stuff.

So as of right now, we're officially seperated. She's blaming my work history, and saying I have an anger issue on it. The way she wrote to my dad, it sounds like this isn't going to be resolved and I don't think it will.

She is too damn stubborn. She's 25 years old and yet she acts like she's 17. The only good out of my marriage is my 2 little girls. The rest of this 4 and a half years has been nothing but a crock of crap.
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I am so sorry to hear that...

As for getting a divorce, I truly believe it's not the end of the world, and if two people don't love each other anymore and don't want to be together, they shouldn't force themselves to stay together even for their children's sake, because I believe that children can feel their parents unhappiness and it will make them unhappy too. So when everything is said and done and the marriage can't be saved, a divorce is not a bad thing...

Like you said you have your little daughters, and you and your wife can try to stay friendly for their sake so that you could meet and act normal around your children.

I really hope everything is be ok in the end.. Stay strong!
 
I feel for you.
Sometimes...even if you still love somebody-divorce is the only way.
If that love is real....you will be together again.
If not...both of you are so young and you could find what you are looking for.
Your girls will allways be your girls. I wish you the best.
 
I have been married to my husband for almost 26 years..and let me tell you there is ALOTTTT of give and take in our relationship. There have been times when I have been like...this is way to hard I just want a divorce...but then I stop and think about what it is I would be losing..do the benefits outweigh the loss...and my answer is no. I have to agree with another poster that said communication is the key word in ANY marriage..if you dont have that..then it just isn't going to work. Have you guys tried counseling...because here is why...your wife will say that you are the problem and you will say that she is the problem...what you need is a neutral person that wont blame either one of yous..but will listen to both and teach the two of you how to communicate without always fighting. I have never been to counceling my self..but I do know people that have and sometimes it helps...sometimes it didn't...but it may be worth the try. My inlaws were married for 55 years until pop recently passed away...I learned from my mother-inlaw how to give and take and how a marriage can succeed...attimes when you think it is over...it isn't...you just really need to dig both heels in and refuse to let go until everything is tried....I wish you luck.
 
I'm really sorry to hear about the situation Prince of Pop. I have no experience of marriage being as I have never married myself.

Having said that, my parents are in the process of getting divorced, even though I was 20 years old when they separated, I lived in an unhappy home for years before it actually happened. People say they stay together for the children but I completely disagree with that sentiment. My teenage years were some of the loneliest times I ever had living in that house. Walking on eggshells, constant negative atmosphere blowing up in a huge argument every now and then. It's not constructive to growing up at all.

Maybe sometimes what's needed is some time out. Maybe a separation will help things. My advice would be to not decide anything yet for certain and just see how you both feel after some time out. Whatever happens the most important thing is that you and your wife and your children end up being happy. Because that's what your daughters will take from the situation and if everybody's happy there is no problem. I'm sure they would rather see you separated and happy than together and miserable. My relationship with my mum is a million times improved since my dad left and I think she regrets that she wasn't there for me growing up, being too involved in this war with my father. That's my take on things having been on the other side of the situation.

Good luck. :flowers:
 
Prince Of Pop said:
The problem is finances and my job situation. My last 2 jobs ended badly. I have a new job, but she keeps blaming me for not keeping a job. We've been having communication troubles, but she doesn't want to talk about it. She's always saying I'm the one who doesn't want to talk. Which is BS.

The last 3 days she's been out with her friends, and I've been at home with my girls. She actually missed our youngest daughters 1st easter. She missed the whole f*cking day!

Yesterday my dad sent her an email telling her how everyone had a good time, we missed her, etc etc. She made the mistake of telling my dad that all wasn't well and she was going to kick me out of the house today. My dad tipped me off, and I went home on a lunch break to grab some stuff.

So as of right now, we're officially seperated. She's blaming my work history, and saying I have an anger issue on it. The way she wrote to my dad, it sounds like this isn't going to be resolved and I don't think it will.

She is too damn stubborn. She's 25 years old and yet she acts like she's 17. The only good out of my marriage is my 2 little girls. The rest of this 4 and a half years has been nothing but a crock of crap.
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Oh, I'm really sorry that things have moved so fast in the last few days...what you both really need is time to stand back and see the bigger picture. When you are in the middle of disagreements, everything seems impossible and things said in haste soon build up to cause resentment on both sides. A separation can be helpful, as long as positive communication keeps going,and I agree with the poster who said that counselling from an independent source can help. Try not to do or say anything rash, no matter how you feel...least said is soonest mended. Your children won't want to see their parents apart until it really is the last resort. Having work problems and home problems can be a real nightmare, but even a long 'blip' might only be a 'blip'...look after yourslf, get support and stay strong.
 
There is no love in our marriage. I have lots of information I have been keeping from other members of my family about her....which I won't get into. Let's just say I know she's admitted her love..but not at me.

I'm at the point I'm ready to just say F it and get this thing moving. I've already filled out legal aid assistance on this matter to see what I need to get done to get this moving, as well as get my rights for my kids as well. She actually thinks because of my anger issues I would do harm to them or her...which is not true. I would take a bullet for those kids. So for her to use them as pawns in all this...it's crap. She denies using them as pawns, but whatever.

I'm doing this for me and my girls.
 
when I read you post earlier..I suspected that was the case..I just didnt want say it...especially when you said she had been out for 3 days...that is a dead give away. But anyway...you do what you think you need to do for you and your children..good luck.
 
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I am divorced. There was huge pressure on me on top of the usual sadness and the kids because I was the first in not just my family but my entire community that I grew up in. I had to face a whole buncha gossip on top of my own pain that drove me to move away. It was so stupid because how the hell could they expect me to stay with someone who thought it was ok to beat me? I was told from an early age to be strong and take no crap and stand up for what you believe yet expected to stick out that sheet and 'work at my marriage'. Stuff that. Divorce should not be taken lightly but you should not stay with someone who ruins your life either. My case is rather extreme though so not certain my advice is gonna help much tbh
 
Prince Of Pop said:
There is no love in our marriage. I have lots of information I have been keeping from other members of my family about her....which I won't get into. Let's just say I know she's admitted her love..but not at me.

I'm at the point I'm ready to just say F it and get this thing moving. I've already filled out legal aid assistance on this matter to see what I need to get done to get this moving, as well as get my rights for my kids as well. She actually thinks because of my anger issues I would do harm to them or her...which is not true. I would take a bullet for those kids. So for her to use them as pawns in all this...it's crap. She denies using them as pawns, but whatever.

I'm doing this for me and my girls.
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Get out of there now, if you haven't already done so. I read she's kicked you out, but if she offers to take you back, do not take that offer. It sounds to me like this person is doing nothing but playing games, and it's better to be an impoverished beggar and free than to leech on financially to someone who plays games and puts you on an eternal spin. I commented earlier that it would be acceptable to remain if it was just a loveless marriage, since most marriages are, but if she's playing games and using the kids as pawns, make a clear statement that you will not tolerate such behaviour--now or ever. If you don't, it will only get worse. She sounds like my stepfather, who was a crazy abusive psycho. So, do the best thing, get out of there while you still can, and relinquish any emotional ties you may still have left to that woman. If they see you were the one who was leaving, then the courts would be less inclined to believe her testimonies about anger issues, since leaving is an action which tells us you recognize a bad situation when you see one, and remove yourself from it promptly.

Despite the well-intentioned (albeit ill-conceived and naiive at best) Dr. Phil advice others have given (i.e. communication solves everything, etc.), I urge you to run like the wind, because if she's already playing games, it can only get worse. There is no communicating with someone like that, because they know exactly what they're doing, and they see the entire thing as a game with winners/losers, and not as a collaboration between two sane people.
 
Well, I don't know much about divorce, as I'm not married, but through the divorce of my parents I know that sometimes divorce is the best option, my parents were married for 23 years before separating, I grew up in 14 years of hell, all they fights, violence, arguing that went on, I wished they had gotten rid of each other way earlier, that way my younger sis was luckier she was around 5 when they divorced, she didn't have to go through the hell I went through with both of them being together. You do what you think you need to do, fight for yourself, for your girls and stay strong -let no one play you-. The sooner you seek help (as you did with your legal aid) the higher your chances of custody or joint custody. I wish you luck.
 
StaceyMJ said:
I'm really sorry to hear about the situation Prince of Pop. I have no experience of marriage being as I have never married myself.

Having said that, my parents are in the process of getting divorced, even though I was 20 years old when they separated, I lived in an unhappy home for years before it actually happened. People say they stay together for the children but I completely disagree with that sentiment. My teenage years were some of the loneliest times I ever had living in that house. Walking on eggshells, constant negative atmosphere blowing up in a huge argument every now and then. It's not constructive to growing up at all.

Maybe sometimes what's needed is some time out. Maybe a separation will help things. My advice would be to not decide anything yet for certain and just see how you both feel after some time out. Whatever happens the most important thing is that you and your wife and your children end up being happy. Because that's what your daughters will take from the situation and if everybody's happy there is no problem. I'm sure they would rather see you separated and happy than together and miserable. My relationship with my mum is a million times improved since my dad left and I think she regrets that she wasn't there for me growing up, being too involved in this war with my father. That's my take on things having been on the other side of the situation.

Good luck. :flowers:
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I can relate to this. My parents SHOULD have split up when I was a kid but they didn't split until I was 22, so I had already been gone for 5 years. I always wonder if the reason they were both so horrible to me when I was a kid was because they were taking things out on me when the true problem lied within themselves. My Dad had affairs that my Mum was in denial about, but probably knew deep down inside. I think this made her feel inadequate which would explain why she felt the need to put me down and criticize my appearance - which lead to me having dysmorphia - she was taking it out on me I guess. She clung onto him for so long, even telling me she would choose him over me (seemingly to keep me quiet about the fact he often physically hurt me - and once to the point of needing medical attention), yet if they had just accepted things were not working and gone their separate ways I can see things would have been so much better for all of us. I know it is not exactly a common thing for people to take it out on their kids when they're having relationship problems but it does affect them, like in your example - the atmosphere is just horrible, makes you so nervous. When they split up I got along with both of them for a long time, and both apologised for the way things had been....until they got back together so I distanced myself again in fear of another flare up. I have gotten along with my Mum better lately, since I started my relationship with Motsey, probably because he's helped and supported me and it's not like I have to live with either of them. And I also think perhaps they're both sorry now even if they brush over it a lot. But I always wish they had just ended it when I was younger and stayed apart, maybe my childhood would have been a lot happier.

xMichellex said:
I am divorced. There was huge pressure on me on top of the usual sadness and the kids because I was the first in not just my family but my entire community that I grew up in. I had to face a whole buncha gossip on top of my own pain that drove me to move away. It was so stupid because how the hell could they expect me to stay with someone who thought it was ok to beat me? I was told from an early age to be strong and take no crap and stand up for what you believe yet expected to stick out that sheet and 'work at my marriage'. Stuff that. Divorce should not be taken lightly but you should not stay with someone who ruins your life either. My case is rather extreme though so not certain my advice is gonna help much tbh
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I can relate to this to a degree as well. Whilst I was not married I was in a long term relationship with someone who was abusive but I covered up for for a long time. When we split up people that lived in my area that didn't know the full story felt it was alright to create gossip and make me out to be someone I'm not, and make me out to be a failure for ending my relationship before getting married or whatever. Particularly people he was friendly with and went to with a load of lies about how terrible I was when i was too ashamed to tell the truth. But the fact is you can't stay in an abusive relationship, or even one you're deeply unhappy in just to keep up appearances. You haven't failed just because it didn't work out - you're just taking care of yourself and that applies to ANYONE.

Prince Of Pop, it sounds like you are deeply unhappy and that to some extent your wife is abusing you, maybe not physically but definitely emotionally with the disappearing for days and using the children as weapons against you, implying you would harm them when you know you wouldn't - and she MUST know that too otherwise why would she disappear and leave them with you if she thought you would harm them? I think ending the relationship is the right thing in this case for all of you. Legal proceedings can be really really tough though so be prepared for that.

I wish you luck with the legal proceedings and hope it all turns out for the best and that you can stay strong through this.
 
well I got a bit of good news tonight. My significant other is going to let me have my 2 girls Saturday night and Sunday. I'll get to pick up more of my stuff, and them Saturday afternoon.

I was going to make a proposition to her that would work for all of us, but she pretty much shot it down if it ment me moving back into the house.

I'm at the point I'm ready to just say enough and start ending this as quickly as possible. But at least some good for me has happened. The last 3 days have been a complete disaster. :(
 
The weekend with my girls was so great...but so fast. My work hours changed, and now I have to work Saturdays, so my time with them on Saturdays will be someone limited.

Tomorrow (Wednesday) is a day off for me, and I intend on following up with my legal aid, and look into housing assistance. If I don't find something in the next couple weeks, a friend of mine said I could move in with him back in town where my job is.

Thank God for backup plans! lol
 
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