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Changing/keeping your surname after marriage

Redridinghood

Redridinghood

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Hi Guys,

I am having a total crisis with my decision on this, as I keep changing my mind! I have been married for 6 years and I still have not made a decision...!

I never thought that losing my maiden name would be an issue, all the way up to my wedding I was excited about becoming Mrs XXX
When reality hit though, I found it impossible to lose my maiden name. The added complication is that my maiden name is also my professional and 'stage' name that I have used all my life as an actress. So I do not want to lose it completely.

My husband is fine with whatever I decide, I know that deep down he would like me to take his name but he also respects me enough to let me keep my maiden name if I want to.

So, my options seem to be:

1, keep my maiden name completely (but then what the heck to we give our children if/when we have them)

2, keep my maiden name for work/professional purposes but change it to Mrs XXX for home life (this seems to be the answer but how do you decide what to call yourself for each thing such as passports, tax returns, bank accounts, credit cards, doctors, dentists etc) then our children would take the father's name?

3, deed-poll my name to maiden-xxx for everything (what name do we give children though?)

4, husband and I both change our name by deed poll to maiden-XXX (not sure if he would do this)

I know that in the grand scheme of life this is not terribly important, but it's become such a terrible quandary for me. I feel like I am losing my identity giving up my maiden name but I also want to do the right thing for my husband and future family.

Would love to hear your thoughts....
 
Why not keep your maiden name but tack on your husbands as well? That's what I did. I have both and felt it was a happy medium.
 
Jona said:
Why not keep your maiden name but tack on your husbands as well? That's what I did. I have both and felt it was a happy medium.
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so you did deed poll to maiden-XXX? what will you children use though?
 
I'll be in your position in a few years and I plan on changing my name but keeping my maiden name as my stage name. I will have my family name in my personal life and my maiden name on stage.

My surname was changed to my mothers maiden name by deed poll when I was three. Some places know me as the name on my birthcert and others know me as the other name (which is on my passport). Having that option is great too cos if I want my original name on something I hand in my birthcert and if I want my current name I hand in my passport.

If you don't want to give up your identity but you want your future family to have your husbands name then that's the way to go.

My future husband would never take my name. I suppose to men it's their legacy. Women just have to be lucky enough to have a brother to keep the name going :D
 
Yea me three as well, i plan on doing a stage name with my career next year. and i simply want to change my name in general.
so when i find the guy in the future i want to marry, i will be happy to use his name in my personal life. but you know, we girls need to have our own names too if thats what we want, its part of our happiness as well.
i know im not going to be a hyphen carrying two last names around, its would be too long for me personally, and i do not want three names including my first name in a sentence. but thats me.

My mom has always used her maiden name, for her work, bills everything. shes very independent. and i admire her for that. she used her own name in a time when it wasn't really heard of... not too long ago! she is proud of her own family name and heritage. but her and my dad split the bills, some come in her name, some in his. in fact on mine and my brothers birth certificate she has both her and my fathers last names on there, though we used our fathers at school, she still made sure her name got past down in some way. haha

but she gets called her married name at relatives homes and those type places. so in a way you can have both. some people may think its weird that my parents use different names, but they are still married. so who cares what they think, it doesn't take away the love. but really do what makes you happy, not anyone else.
 
I see nothing wrong with not wanting to change your last name. Its your family history and a great tribute to your parents. And when you have children - Use your original last name as a Middle name, or a hyphen whatever you wish. If you do want your children to have a hyphen when they're older defintly give them the choice of the name they would rather use.

Don't be afraid to be non traditional. :) Its the 21st century.
 
thanks for your responses guys. I'm not in any way afraid of not being traditional, my concerns are simply for the future of our family. We want to have children and be a family unit, I am not sure how to do this is we do not share the same surname, I want our children to feel they belong in name to our family. If we hyphen their surname to include both of ours, then what awaits them when they grow older and want to get married and keep their name but also take another?!
 
Redridinghood said:
2, keep my maiden name for work/professional purposes but change it to Mrs XXX for home life (this seems to be the answer but how do you decide what to call yourself for each thing such as passports, tax returns, bank accounts, credit cards, doctors, dentists etc) then our children would take the father's name?
Click to expand...
I think this would be a good option, since you said that your stage name is the main reason of your concerns. As far as I know, all your legal docs will have your new name, there is a section in the passport for a stage name. A lot of actors, authors and other entertainers do that.

Furthermore, changing your stage name into Mrs XXX doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. Look at Victoria Beckham. She became famous as Miss Adams but I doubt there are many who remember her maiden name. :)

I understand that people want to keep their legacy through their name, but hey, at the end of the day it's just a name. It is YOU who keeps the legacy, regardless what your name is. :yes:
 
When I was married I was happy to get rid of my maiden name lol. I had more problems when we divorced and I went the way I wanted and actually kept my married name as my legal name.

My Aunt had the same issues as you are having and she went with the hyphenated maiden-married. She kept the children's last name as just the married name as they came along and when they were adults they both decided to just stick with the married last name.

It's your name though so I understand all the fuss over it and many find the family name legacy very important. Good luck with it :)
 
Mmm, I would probably change my name unless I really didn't like my husband's last name or if it didn't go well with my first name. If I was in your situation I would probably keep my name as a stage name and change my personal name. I've heard from some people who have different names as their children that they sometimes find it difficult to travel (airport security being very strict when an adult wants to travel with children and they don't share the same last name) - I don't know if that's a concern for you. But yeah, then there's also the hyphen route. Like I said, I would probably change or do the hyphen unless the new name was odious to me lol. But everyone should do what's right for them, so good luck with the decision!
 
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