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as 1 year approaches ; I'm still weeping

BillieJean84

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so I need to rant tonight. As 1 year approaches, I am still weeping. I have to say, afew years ago I predicted that 'if / when Michael Jackson died, all hell will break loose.'

I just don't want to be here anymore in fact I think about why haven't I just do away with myself, June 25-26th 09? I have accepted the fact hes gone & hes not coming back ; but I still cannot believe that Michael Jackson is gone. Something is not right about it.

I dont want to be here anymore and I think about it and p.s. don't worry its not like I will commit suicide because I would have done it already. But I think Michael would disapprove.....

I had something way better posted here but I accidentally hit the 'backspace' button and its gone. lol anyway I sure do hope that someday when I'm gone I will be able to be with Him

thanks everyone. I'm glad I am here at mjjc & with everyone here.
 
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Yea it's more than a messed up situation. Death is the only thing that's irreversible. I miss him so much too, he is a part of my heart.
 
Mostly every single day ever since that horrible day I am still crying over Michael. It was just earlier I was in Blingee's site trying to make a new MJ signature. And the one MJ stamp that I saw there just made me start crying all over again. I am ready to cry over him again. I have been suffering from depression ever since that horrible day. Is just that the depression that I have now is clinical depression. I have all the symptoms of it. Especially thoughts of suicide and death. Because death and wanting to be with Michael is where I so badly want to be now. I just hate having to continue to live in a world without Michael in it. I am forever a different person now.
 
I cannot believe he is gone man, is still so hard, sometimes I think I am obsessed with the situation now, he had so many plans and everything ended just like that. Michael is so needed here, and to think it was all in the hands of a stupid doctor.
 
We must keep strong, I know it's hard just remember to keep Healing the world remember. :huggle:
 
I keep wanting to wake up from a reeeaaaally bad dream. It just seems not right. I was right though - I predicted 'all heck break loose' IE the suicides, etc...
 
It's so weird sometimes, it seems like this world doesn't make ANY sense at all any more. I know Michael's gone, I know he's in a lot better place right now, I know all our wishes and prayers can't possibly bring him back. And yet I have to admit I can't believe it. Because I don't want to have it, I just don't believe it. It's almost scary that it's so easy to fool yourself into believing he's alive and well simply by not thinking of the fact that he's gone.. Sooner or later the reality check always comes along and...oh well.. :cry:

But we're in this together and we must stay strong. Michael wouldn't want anything bad to happen to any of us. Sometimes when I'm really down I like to think he's there somewhere and he's looking at us. He would like us to see all the beautiful little things in life that are so precious and wonderful :yes: and I'm thankful to him for sending that thought into my mind :)

Keep the faith people :better:
 
I dont want to go into denial because thats just plain dumb. I know ppl personally who go through denial & honestly, its a waste of time. They need to just come out of denial - thats alittle harsh I know! dont bombard me with bad, negative thoughts but all I'm saying is I don't want to go through denial ; I want to believe hes really gone. After all its part of the healing process and God only knows I am still grieving.
 
^^
I'm not in denial though...it's just kind of..hard to explain. "Fool yourself into believing" was a lousy choice of words but I'm really tired and didn't think about it enough. I'll have another try...

If I'm not thinking of the fact that he's gone and e.g. watch some concert footage or stuff and kind of get carried away by it, then it sometimes happens that the fact slips my mind if that's a correct way to put it. And for a while things look brighter and the world makes sense again :) Then along comes something that reminds me of the miserable reality and the "illusion" is gone :sigh:

Deep down I have to know the facts all the time, I think. I'm just not actively thinking of it, but I wouldn't call it denial? Because like you said, I also think it's a waste of time. I think it's rather escapism and it only happens unintentionally. :yes:

But the fact that it's really, really hard to believe and understand that Michael's no longer with us, probably means my mind wouldn't like to have it that way.. As if there was a choice.. :no:

(I sound like an idiot, right? :lol:)
 
^ I think I understand what you're saying, I feel the same way too.

There are days that I simply enjoy watching his concerts and listening to his music and it makes me happy, I simply "forget" to mourn and "forget" to think about the fact he is not here with us anymore :cry:
But sometimes, I just remember it suddenly...And then the reality hits really hard! :(
But I don't think that I'm on a denial on those moments when I kinda forget to mourn, I just think it's his beauty, magic and talent that overwhelms me and makes me happy. And I'm glad there's moments like that nowadays, even if I have to wake up and face the reality afterwards.
 
I really understand the way you're feeling
with every single moment approachs i still hear his words in my head saying : ''I wanna live forever'' & it makes me feel so...sad & always makes me cry...

it feels like yesterday & everytime i close my eyes the flashback starts i see those horrible days when it first happend.....
i always listen to ''you are not alone'' it makes me feel so much better
& i always try to be remember that he's in Heaven happy up there ,

nobody can hurt him or anything like they did here on earth
everytime i remember him i smile , i smile 'cause i know that little angel is where he belongs now in Heaven , he's looking down at us (all of us) & i'm sure he wouldn't like to see anybody sad or broken because of him

Michael always suffered but everytime we look at him he was smiling , wasn't he ?!
so you have to be like him , be strong , hold on
we all gonna be with him at the end
it's all a matter of time , life's too short
so live your life , this life on earth to the fullest & make him proud from up there in Heaven.
 
Lately I've been in the same mood I was in last year in July/August. I wish I could just have the happy memories but there's still a lot of pain. In a way it has gotten better but also different and harder. If that makes any sense.
 
I think it will become easier after a year has passed. There is going to be a lot of talk about it on the year anniversary next month. This is it prolonged things as well for a lot of people.

Although This is it was a massive comfort for me actually.
 
I'm still far from over it and I still can't believe he's gone either.
It's all such a mess in my head. I wish I could go on with my life because it's really getting to much for me.
I'm always tired and never feel like doing stuff, I'm sure it's because of all the things going through my head all the time.
 
Alittle heartbreaking / foreshadowing lyric from 'Jam'


I Just Want You To
Recognize Me
In The Temple
You Can't Hurt Me
I Found Peace
Within Myself
 
Angela_MJJ said:
I'm still far from over it and I still can't believe he's gone either.
It's all such a mess in my head. I wish I could go on with my life because it's really getting to much for me.
I'm always tired and never feel like doing stuff, I'm sure it's because of all the things going through my head all the time.
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this .:angel:

:better::no:
 
Seriously, I didnt feel like 1 year at all. Mostly everyday is like June 25th to me. Time has stopped for me since that day :cry: Youtube is killing me with all the beautiful footages of Michael. That's all what left of Michael, beautiful memories :cry:
 
smile4mj said:
Seriously, I didnt feel like 1 year at all. Mostly everyday is like June 25th to me. Time has stopped for me since that day :cry: Youtube is killing me with all the beautiful footages of Michael. That's all what left of Michael, beautiful memories :cry:
Click to expand...

I know what you mean. All day long all I have been doing on and off is just cry over Michael. And when I wasn't crying I was just miserably thinking about him. It can't be helped it is all I have been doing mostly every single day since that horrible June day. I am just so sad and miserable without my Michael in my life to make me happy. Michael really was my joy and happiness and I will never feel that way ever again. I remember on that horrible June day before I had heard the worst news ever. I was really happy that day because I was just so happy for Michael about doing these concerts and stuff. It wasn't until 6:30 that night was when I had gotten the most worst news ever. Now I can only wonder what it is like to be happy. And just wish I could feel that way again. I am just going have to learn to live a life full of misery and sadness. I really do know that Michael wouldn't want me to feel sad and miserable. But how can I be happy knowing someone forever took away my joy and happiness?
 
I still can't believe hes gone & can't believe more that this Dr.'s medical license is not taken away. I'm studying healthcare admin so perhaps this issue will keep me motivated. (sorry if that sounds wrong)
 
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