I was reading a recent thread on here concerning the pain of Michael's death and how we have been affected by the passing of time.
I for one, was more than ready for the end of the summer in 2009. It was the closing of a terrible chapter in my life. One day I watched out of my kitchen window as a wind picked up and blew the leaves off of the trees. I tried to imagine that the sadness and hurt within me was blowing away with each falling leaf. However, when the air became still again, I just felt empty inside.
Autumn came and went, Winter arrived, and although I was still very much grieving, I felt more in tune with the season. I was cold inside, and so was the weather. I felt comforted by layers of clothing and blankets. Before I went to sleep I would be all bundled up in my pajamas and bathrobe, in my desk chair listening to songs like "Fall Again," or "Be Not Always," on my iPod. It just felt right.
Then Spring and Summer arrived, and I started experiencing the same emotions and sensations that I had felt the year before. It was amazing how even certain summer air smells would unearth feelings and emotions that I had tried to bury.
On the anniversary last year, I felt mostly numb. I kept busy around the house, trying to keep Michael off of my mind, but it didn't work very well. It was just a strange numbness, that I don't think I had ever experienced before. I don't think I even knew which direction to look in. I was at a complete loss for words, and unsure what the following days and weeks would bring. Slowly, I started to adjust better to it all. I still have "those moments," but they have grown farther apart. I didn't hold up too well during the preliminary hearings. It was one thing to speculate on how he died, and another thing entirely to learn what was actually happening that day. I was devastated, but at the same time, it brought a small sense of closure to me.
I was never real effusive over my love and admiration for him. It was too precious to me. My mother and a friend of mine that I broke down to about the prelim. have an idea of it, but most people that I know are unaware and if they read any of this they would probably be shocked.
Over the past month I've gone into a state that I can only describe as emotional seclusion regarding Michael. I don't talk about him or the case, I listen to him and watch him in private, and I quietly prepare myself for the events to come.
I'm doing okay at the present time. That doesn't mean that I don't miss Michael like crazy, it just means that I have adjusted accordingly. I've learned that I have to let whatever feelings I may experience happen, to not tell myself that I shouldn't be feeling sad because of the passing of time. He is a part of my soul and with that comes both joy and heartache. I try to dwell more on the wonderful things that he left us rather than the negative crap that continues to this day. He is first in my thoughts when I wake up in the morning, and last when I go to sleep. I let him know how I feel all the time, and I hope he is listening.
I for one, was more than ready for the end of the summer in 2009. It was the closing of a terrible chapter in my life. One day I watched out of my kitchen window as a wind picked up and blew the leaves off of the trees. I tried to imagine that the sadness and hurt within me was blowing away with each falling leaf. However, when the air became still again, I just felt empty inside.
Autumn came and went, Winter arrived, and although I was still very much grieving, I felt more in tune with the season. I was cold inside, and so was the weather. I felt comforted by layers of clothing and blankets. Before I went to sleep I would be all bundled up in my pajamas and bathrobe, in my desk chair listening to songs like "Fall Again," or "Be Not Always," on my iPod. It just felt right.
Then Spring and Summer arrived, and I started experiencing the same emotions and sensations that I had felt the year before. It was amazing how even certain summer air smells would unearth feelings and emotions that I had tried to bury.
On the anniversary last year, I felt mostly numb. I kept busy around the house, trying to keep Michael off of my mind, but it didn't work very well. It was just a strange numbness, that I don't think I had ever experienced before. I don't think I even knew which direction to look in. I was at a complete loss for words, and unsure what the following days and weeks would bring. Slowly, I started to adjust better to it all. I still have "those moments," but they have grown farther apart. I didn't hold up too well during the preliminary hearings. It was one thing to speculate on how he died, and another thing entirely to learn what was actually happening that day. I was devastated, but at the same time, it brought a small sense of closure to me.
I was never real effusive over my love and admiration for him. It was too precious to me. My mother and a friend of mine that I broke down to about the prelim. have an idea of it, but most people that I know are unaware and if they read any of this they would probably be shocked.
Over the past month I've gone into a state that I can only describe as emotional seclusion regarding Michael. I don't talk about him or the case, I listen to him and watch him in private, and I quietly prepare myself for the events to come.
I'm doing okay at the present time. That doesn't mean that I don't miss Michael like crazy, it just means that I have adjusted accordingly. I've learned that I have to let whatever feelings I may experience happen, to not tell myself that I shouldn't be feeling sad because of the passing of time. He is a part of my soul and with that comes both joy and heartache. I try to dwell more on the wonderful things that he left us rather than the negative crap that continues to this day. He is first in my thoughts when I wake up in the morning, and last when I go to sleep. I let him know how I feel all the time, and I hope he is listening.
